Fug Madness 2013, Round One: Madonna Bracket, part I


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. Enjoy.

(2) KIM KARDASHIAN vs (15) LIBERTY ROSS

For a while, we were discussing having Pregnant Kim Kardashian play Nonpregnant Kim Kardashian in the play-in game, but we realized BOTH iterations of KimKard deserved to be seeded MUCH MUCH higher than 16. She BROUGHT THE FUG MADNESS THIS YEAR. I mean, do you remember THIS? You will never forget it once you revisit it. I’m serious.  We could NEVER forget these BIZARRO PANTS. Nor this halter/jumpsuit (humpsuit? No, wait. That’s something else. DON’T WEAR THAT).

And this is likewise distressingly weird:

Why does so much of Kim’s wardrobe involve an animal or something that makes her look like she’s turning INTO an animal? This has a tail, for example, and I’m pretty sure it sheds:

I think this…vest? Jacket? Shrug? Capelet? … is either made of Westminster Dog Show champion or an actual kitchen mop. Get ready for it to hit you in the face:

This is the fireside rug on which Blake Carrington once made sweet love to Krystal as a way of distracting her from the fact that he sent his Gay Son off to get blown up on an oil rig and return with a whole new face after killing said Son’s Lover by kind of sort of accidentally cracking him on the head:

Even Kanye is skeptical of whatever is happening with this poor creature:

Do you really want KANYE WEST wondering what you’re wearing? NO. NO YOU DO NOT.

Speaking of awkward:

In retrospect, the truth about Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders is written all over K Stew’s face there.  Liberty Ross’s dress looks lovely from the side, but from the front it’s clear she got infected by the Sheeritis that ran through that cast like swine flu:

If that were lined, I think we’d all be singing a different tune. In fact, Ross never lines anything. Behold her Oscar frock:

TMI, girl.

She and Kim K actually also crossed paths at the Topshop opening here in Los Angeles. If Kim was wrapped up in the feathers of the ancient dodo, or whatever it is she was molting, Liberty was once again nip-adjacent:

I’m sure she is going through a lot right now — if she and Sanders are divorcing, she may well be trying to rustle up the PR so she can get work again and make some money for herself and her kids –but nipples are hardly EVER the answer.

Archives: Kim Kardashian, Liberty Ross

(3) CARLY RAE JEPSEN vs. (14) SARAH JESSICA PARKER

The battle of the three-initialed ladies! Let’s start with CRJ:

Why is everyone in this bracket wearing an animal?

Here, it seems apt that She Who Will Not Dress Her Age (27…which it has been for over a year, I believe) is wearing something fun-sized to a movie by the same name:

And this romper is even smaller than fun-sized, if there is such a thing. It’s more of an amuse bouche of an outfit than an actual meal:

I worry that she can’t actually stand up in it without something popping out. Also, again, she is a year older than Lady Gaga. Just…percolate on that for a little bit. She’s lucky her face is so very young, but they’ve GOT to start aging this girl’s style up a little bit or things are going to get awkward. As in many things: Look to Madonna. At least, look to Madonna between 1985 and 1998.

I literally don’t even know what this IS, other than a bad idea:

This, though, I can easily ID. It is a schoolgirl’s uniform:

Say what you will about SJP, but she’s not going to show up dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl. Well, not if it’s not required by Sex and the City 3D. In fact, I’d argue that she spend this Fug Madness period of eligibility dressed OLDER than she actually is (47):

I mean, at least that dress is AIRY. It’s totally Cocktails on the Lanai With Blanche, which I completely endorse IF YOU ARE HAVING COCKTAILS ON THE LANAI WITH BLANCHE. But airy is better — arguably, anyway — than musty:

I hope she saved this because she’s going to look amazing in it when she’s 85. Ditto the following, which was possibly my LEAST FAVORITE dress of all Fug Madness eligible looks:

It turns out that I am really really really not into Valentino lately, primarily because I don’t want to wear the inside of a Crabtree & Evelyn on my body. This is equally musty (though I love the gardenia on her lapel, both because gardenias are lovely and because the tiny shout-out to Carrie Bradshaw is sweet):

Uh, at least James Wilkie looks smart? And speaking of shout-outs to Carrie Bradshaw, does anything scream SATC like Bradshaw sporting a visible bra during a moment when no bra ought to be visible?

Exactly.

Archives: CRJ, SJP

(6) CATE BLANCHETT vs. (11) HALLE BERRY

I predict this will be a close match. Because we’ve got Carte Blanchett – who gets away with things because she’s Cool Collected Cate Blanchett and she seems awesome and wise and confident and groovy — versus Halle Berry, who often gets a pass thanks to being The Tremendously Gorgeous Halle Berry. Two women whose looks we WANT to love enter the ring. ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE.

Let’s kick it off with Cate:

That looks like a Project Runway challenge. Those sleeves ARE made of Hefty bags, and you can totally just wipe them down, like a plastic picnic tablecloth, and the hem is stapled. CATE BLANCHETT, you are CATE BLANCHETT. Your skirts should be hemmed by the power of your MIND.

This ALSO looked like student work to me:

Her bob is adorable, but the middle of this dress looks like a special Hanes diffusion line for Spanx. Hanes for Spanx. Hanx.

This is another mash-up, of a shirt and a poncho. It’s a shoncho:

WHY?

AND THIS IS A ROMPER. CATE BLANCHETT YOU DON’T WEAR A ROMPER. DON’T EVER WEAR A ROMPER AGAIN:

I need to lay down, but first we need to talk about Halle Berry and how she’s trying so hard lately and how silly that is because SHE IS HALLE BERRY:

This is TMI and I used to be pretty sure we’d never get TMI from Halle Berry. How MI is T with someone so gorgeous? Now we know.

Then there’s her habit of dressing like Prince:

Even Prince is all, “I don’t know, babe.” And then there are these pants, a blight against the world and a constant object of horror for me personally:

And this? It’s just perplexing:

I plan to just focus on both of their faces from here on out. But while you’re doing that, VOTE IT UP:

Archives: Cate Blanchett, Halle Berry

(7) KEVIN McHALE vs. (10) EMMA ROBERTS

I am pretty excited about Kevin McHale’s potential Fug Madness run. I think he could be the Ryan Cabrera of this year, with less intense hair and probably fewer nipples. I also actually am kind of into this, although I can admit at the same time that is is INSANE and he should be playing the Poconos in it:

But at least that green suit is not giving me a seizure, while this combo may well do so if I don’t scroll down, like, REAL fast:

I legitimately don’t even know what this is, although I think the shoes are groovy (and overall, I salute the dude for having a point of view; so much men’s wear is BOOOOOORING and he’s admirably interesting, at least):

THIS is straight from a direct to DVD sci-fi movie where people fall in love with holograms and someone gets eaten by a two-headed snake:

And these PANTS are the cheesy BACKGROUND of that sci-fi movie:

But are space-printed pants enough to take down….whatever this is? I mean, I know Emma Roberts here is from Coachella, but…ELLIPSIS. ELLIPSIS ELLIPSIS.

I feel like someone told Emma Roberts that Coachella is a pool party (it is not), or that this is a dress (also not):

It’s telling when pants not seen since I last walked past a bunch of stoners playing hackysack at UCLA in front of the Taco Bell in 1995 are the most acceptable vacation outfit, and what it tells us is, GIRL. LEARN TO PACK FOR A WEEKEND BETTER THIS YEAR:

Emma had a couple of missteps on the red carpet, too — namely, this. Which is ALSO undergarment-y:

I did, however, forget that she’s dating Evan Peters, who looks super sharp. At they’re batting .500 at this one.

Archives: Kevin McHale, Emma Roberts

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Comments (49):

  1. Sara
    0

    I voted for SJP because she should know better.

    But then I thought about it and I’m not sure we’ve ever gotten that indication.

    • Janice
      0

      My thought.

      I find myself consistently voting for the older over the younger, if there is a tie. Because oh c’mon.

  2. Damian
    0

    Mark my words! Kim Kardashian is going to win it all this year. There’s nothing flattering or even pretty about her output this year.

    It’s like she saw Kourtney & Solange’s Fug Madness run and took it as a personal offense.

    • Aphy
      0

      I don’t know. Something tells me it might be Beiber that takes it this year.

      • Billie
        0

        These are my final two, Kim K against the Biebs. Honestly, they should be co-champions this year based on the amount of fuggery they put out.

        • Edith
          0

          I’m with you. Kim K v Beiber – but I’m hoping Bieber takes it. We need to crown a King of Fug eventually, and this is his year….

    • Maria L.
      0

      My money’s on Kim K also. She truly is A Fug For All Seasons. What a pro.

  3. Lori
    0

    Is it wrong that I voted for Kevin McHale because I want to see a guy go a little further?

    Blanchett vs. Berry was hard. Halle Berry works my last nerve, but Cate knows better. She IS better. That makes her fuggery so much more disappointing.

    • Trent
      0

      I agree about Cate vs. Halle. Yes, Halle has looked kinda desperate all year, but Cate was wearing a ROMPER. A fugly romper. And a shoncho! Really, she should know better.

    • Helen
      0

      I also voted for McHale, partly for the same reason. But also I thought that Johnny Weir’s outfits are just ducky on the ice, not so good on the red carpet, and McHale should not be borrowing them to wear to events.

  4. MelissaW
    0

    OMG, I have to wash out my brain after seeing those Emma Roberts pictures. Ack, ack, ack, ack. Yuck.

    • jeckiemt
      0

      Yeah, but — tragically — most of Emma’s ouvre here is just what 19 year old girls wear to festivals. Gross, but standard. Kevin McHale is pushing fuggery to new heights. That’s the kind of innovation we should be rewarding/punishing!

  5. Moa
    0

    Kevin McHale is seriously so adorable. And I actually really like the top outfit with the green jacket.

    • marie
      0

      this! I adore Kevin simply because he’s not boring.. compare it to Artie’s buddy Kurt and his red carpet staple of white button down shirts and dark jeans and it could get so boring too soon..Kevin is at least bringing something different in the men’s wear section

  6. jen310
    0

    Kim K is fug today, tomorrow, and forever. In all the years that famewhore has been around not once has she looked stylish. Is it possible she could up her fug game? Oh yes, yes it is. Pregnant Kim is by far the worst sin against fashion that can be committed. Skanky Kim was bad fug but Pregnant Kim is worse fug. In fact, she is the nastiest kind of fug and too many animals have and will die to cover her every expanding frame. Ugh. Kim FTW.

    Halle is too beautiful to work so hard to prove it to the world. No one that damn sexy should have to prove she is that damn sexy. You got the body, and the face, Halle, dress it with style not with fug (and slutty fug at that). BTW, those pants, skirt, shorts monstrosity you wore walking with you man and child – KILL THEM, KILL THEM DEAD.

    I went with SJP over CRJ. CRJ can still kind of get away with dressing her body in young fug because she looks younger than she is; its still fug though. SJP should not be dressing like she is in her 70′s. She’s still young and vibrant enough to work the I’m middle aged but I look good style of dressing. She’s not. If I had that body I would not dress it like a slightly eccentric but trying to be fashionable woman 3 decades older than me. SJP FTW.

    I appreciate what Kevin McHale is trying to do for men’s fashion but NO. JUST NO. Too much and too fug. I just can’t with him. Tone it done, Kevin, and we can talk.

  7. Amanda
    0

    Sigh. Whither my taste has flown? I would definitely wear one of those Emma Roberts outfits to Coachella (but I won’t admit which.) So perhaps it’s that, but really, I think it’s an overall feeling that Coachella is a designated space to let one’s freak flag fly — and also it gets really hot — so I’m going for McHale all the way on that matchup.

    • Amanda
      0

      Okay, I will admit it. For a 90+ degree music festival, I <3 the stoner pants.

      • Katharine
        0

        Yeah, I’m with you. I think Coachella should get an exclusion, even though, yes, they know there will be pictures. I’ve been to festivals. I’ve been to lots of festivals, and they are the places where people bring the wackiest clothes they’ve got, and try to outcool everyone else. (Except for the festivals where everyone takes off their clothes.)

        I guess we should just be glad celebrities don’t patronize Burning Man in large numbers, making Coachella look, by contrast, like tea with the Queen.

  8. Erin
    0

    Is it only me here, or does everyone this year seem MUCH better dressed than last year? And dare I say, some of the “fug looks” are fabulous in my opinion (not necessarily in this bracket…). The one exception is Kim K. Whomever the f*ck she hired as a stylist is making her look like an even bigger idiot than she actually is. Maybe it’s Kanye? Maybe it’s her? I really don’t know at this point, and I wish she would go on bed rest so we could be spared these horrifying outfits.

  9. Goldfish
    0

    Normally, I would not question. But I have to speak my truth:

    It was wrong to put the Halle Berry pants right there at the end. The laser-burning of the retina renders everything previous completely void. It seemed the Prince outfit was the capper, and we were done. Then we get the pants with no warning, and who can make a reasonable judgement at that point? It was essentially a scroll-down fug besides.

    I know I must have seen the pants at some point during the year, but I must have blocked them.

    • Carolina Girl
      0

      Yeah, but didn’t Nahla kind of make up for it? Those pants are an abomination in the eyes of the Creator, but it may be my favorite picture of Halle simply because of the absolute adorableness of her little girl. Nahla owns it!

      • Goldfish
        0

        lol. I didn’t even see her until your post and I went back to look. You are right in what you say.

  10. Stefanie
    0

    Oh my god. Cochella is a horrible horrible terrible eye rotting thing.

  11. Shari
    0

    I dunno -Blanchette is off to a roaring start.

  12. gin_in_teacups
    0

    How is SJP not taking down CRJ? Yes Jepsen’s clothes need to fit better, and yes, even then they’d be cloyingly twee but SJP’s are hideous! Just for the flowered dress alone she should win it, to say nothing of the see through lace thing.

    Is this just because her song was annoyingly ubiquitous?

    • Helen
      0

      I went Jepsen because she’s consistently fug, and Parker is off-and-on. Also, when Parker looks great, she really looks GREAT. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jepsen look great, and possibly not even good.

  13. witjunkie
    0

    I’m telling you, this is a hard Round 1. I let Hudgens’ Coachella pics influence me so I felt it only fair to hand it to Roberts on the same grounds. MacHale had some doozies, but generally I think he’s pretty natty.

    And I voted Carly Maybe because in my head I was ‘she dresses young but cute’…and then I saw her portfolio. Kinda not cute. And SJP was pretty mellow this year, except for that red horror.

    The others were easy.

  14. Alma
    0

    Why is Emma Roberts so naked???? Good grief

  15. Wade
    0

    Why, oh why, do you guys persist in keeping KK in the news? Drive her underground, please, her and the whole clan. And, c’mon, SJP, for someone who is supposed to know things, dresses like an idiot. Oh well….

    • Edith
      0

      Yes. GoFugYourself is the reason there’s a Kardashian on every major tabloid cover, every week. They are ubiquitous in American pop culture, and yes, they are useless and annoying, but for a pop culture site to ignore their existence would be really arbitrary. She is everywhere, at everything, and she dresses badly. That’s why she’s on this site, not because our lovely leaders want to keep her name in the news. I have no doubt that if H and J wielded such power, they would happily “drive her underground.” But I get really tired of people suggesting they are in any way responsible for the Kardashians fame and ubiquity.

  16. mary lou bethune
    0

    I’ll always vote for one who dresses like a trollop. Crazy fun, like Carly Rae, or going for a fashion edgy look, like SJP or Cate is appealing to me. My skin crawls when I see Kardouchian or that LIberty woman or – that bizarre Rita person- don’t know who she is but she dresses so vulgarly.

  17. Tiffany
    0

    I can’t see the polls, but last time after I submitted a comment they showed up. Trying that again…

    • Tiffany
      0

      Polls close after 24 hours??? I still can’t vote on this one! I will try a different computer later, but is there any chance we can extend the polls because of the voting issues? Pwiddy pwease? ;) I was able to vote on the other brackets, so this is confusing me.

  18. The Other Molly
    0

    I’m thinking mixed drinks are too light a fare for this year’s flock of fuggery.
    Straight liquor all the way.
    It’s a damn shame that Sarah Jessica Parker keeps getting bounced out of contention in the early rounds.
    She’s been fugging it deep and hard for years and still does not wear the crown.
    *Sigh* Drinks on the boat.

  19. bex
    0

    Kim K ALL THE WAY. I think she will take it. I want her to win. I need her to win. Also going with CRJ because when you mentioned she’s older than Gaga I spat out my coffee.

  20. Rayna
    0

    “NOT GONNA BE DEMURE LIKE RAYMOND BURR.”

    I’m telling you, it could be KimK’s year, especially with the backing of Kanye, a known Fugger.

  21. Louise
    0

    Liberty Ross has TERRIBLE fashion sense for a model adn looks way older than 34. I want to see her birth cert! Kim always looks trashy but Liberty should be more ashamed, she has access to all the top designers and these are the outfits she wears. Also, can she put those breast implants away?

    Emma Roberts is a bit of a mess too. Cate Blanchett can pull anything off

  22. Louise
    0

    Also am i the only one who never heard of Liberty before the Kristen scandal? Now it seems like she is going to the opening of an envelope.! Her and Kim should be besties!

    • Helen
      0

      I still don’t know who Liberty Ross is, but I thought Kim’s outfits were even worse.

  23. pantsonfire
    0

    I know it’s a very lonely stance, but I really didn’t mind the Valentino floral looks from that collection. I think they could have been phenomenal with some changes to make some of the silhouettes more modern while still retaining the historical vibe of the clothes (I don’t even know for sure what era he was referencing…Victorian? American Frontier?), but even as they are, they’re totally fine by me.

  24. Sylvia
    0

    Kim K makes me really uncomfortable with my pick for Biebs to win it all. I didn’t realize how bad her entire year had been. That leather outfit…I died a little inside y’all. She might win the entire thing.

    CRJ because she’s my age (okay, slightly younger) and I cannot condone what she’s doing. Besides, I can’t entirely hate on someone inspired by The Golden Girls, even if it isn’t age appropriate.

    Halle vs. Cate is hard, but I voted for Cate for the same reason I voted for Naomi Watts. She’s too awesome for this. Halle too has hit some out of the park, but I just have higher expectations when it comes to Cate. Plus, rompers are never, ever okay.

    While Evan Peters, who will always be Jack from OTH to me, is a great accessory, he cannot erase that first thing she’s wearing at Coachella. Dear God in heaven it’s horrible.

  25. Josie
    0

    I can’t believe Emma Roberts is beating Kevin McHale. When I researched his fug on Wire Image, I laughed for 10 minutes straight. I had such high hopes for him in this competition.

  26. TonyG
    0

    Kim, CRJ, Cate and Emma for me.

    Liberty brought some fug this year, but she was no match for Kim.

    CRJ over SJP was easy for me.

    Surprised by the lop-sidedness of Halle’s win. I was set to vote Halle, before I saw Cate’s off-the-wall stuff.

    Kevin has had some dorky looks, but I think he looks cute in some of them, whereas there is no excuse for any of Emma’s fuggery.

  27. Barbara
    0

    I have to admit: I’ll rather wear SJP’s outfits than CRJ’s and I’m 23. That’s how awful CRJ looks.

  28. Sajorina
    0

    Voted for KK because I HAVE EYES; for SJP because I know she dresses herself, while CRJ is dressed by someone who thinks she’s 17; for Halle Berry because Cate Blanchett RULES; and for Emma Roberts because she’s barely dressed in those pics!

  29. Margaret
    0

    how are more people NOT voting for SJP? She is wearing matching Laura Ashley shoes with her Laura Ashley dress. Ugh, nightmare flashbacks to my childhood when my mom dressed my sister and I in matching LA dresses for every christmas picture.