Fug Madness 2011, Sweet Sixteen: Bjork Bracket

(2) NICKI MINAJ vs. (6) CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Of all the crazy crap Nicki Minaj has worn in the name of getting attention, my very favorite is the thing she wore under the auspice of NOT wanting attention:

The caption on this photo was, “Nicki Minaj attempts to go incognito in South Beach,” or something, to which I say: If you are Nicki Minaj, and you want to go incognito, just wear a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and sunglasses. Nobody will know who you are. Don’t wear a Juicy sweatsuit with the world’s most GIANT red pashmina wrapped around your head. Which leads me to believe you do not want to go incognito at ALL, and so therefore why not just do it up right, with an electro-shock coif and a full animal-print body condom?

Xtina’s street clothes are just as subtle:

Knowing what we know now, every time I see a photo of Jordan Bratman with Christina, his eyes seem to say, “America, I tried. I promise, I TRIED SO HARD.” Especially THIS photo, with that particular charming message emblazoned across her falsies. And her hair is making me want to buy a bag of Bugles. Earlier that night, it was paired with this infamous outfit:

This is what I imagine would happen if you held the Project Runway cast hostage in a warehouse until they made you a dress out of whatever they could find lying around — chains, trash bags, the hair of a homeless man, whatever. In fact, those sad captives might have made two:

I feel like this started with a random dog collar and sprouted from there. Does the Westminster show have a saucy after-party of which I have been unaware? And why does it look like half of Christina’s face is melting off? Did she lean too close to a candle? All that makeup has got to be at least a LITTLE flammable. Oh, girl. She has had so many shits and misses this year, from the Globes to her visible globes to her uncared-for globes, to her visible AGAIN globes (really, pretty much everything from the last round’s post). And she even got pantsless for us:

It’s like Bob Mackie sneezed on her legs.

Can any of this unseat the heavily costumed Nicki Minaj? Well, let’s give credit where credit is due: At least Christina’s tights and slinky pants are not polterwanged. Nor do they come bedecked with their own cage:

Nicki is a delight. Who else would take the time to locate, or at least request, a cropped ski jacket? I would die to see her hitting the slopes in this outfit, maybe on a snowboard, with a helmet in the shape of that exact wig.

It’s been a busy year for Minaj — from her blingy exoskeleton to basically everything in this slideshow (especially the first slide, like, WHAT IS THAT CATSUIT, even Britney’s wasn’t that crazy), she has gone above and beyond to try and wrest the title of Most Cracked-Out Costumes in The Music Biz from Gaga and Katy Perry. But I think what I like best about her is that she’s not parading around trying to get all poncey on us and claim it’s “performance art” that is super meaningful, and which we peasants couldn’t hope to understand (points to KP for not doing that, either). No, she’s just a loon. To wit:

I would be so bummed if Nicki turned around and was all, “Well, that acid-washed denim jumpsuit was a statement about how technology bleaches the color and meaning from our lives,” because I’d much rather believe that she woke up and was like, “Hell, this is crazy, I want three of them.”

“Oh, hey, y’all, I was just going to pick up some bologna and bread at Ralph’s, dressed like Dolly Parton if she fell into a cotton candy machine. Just another Thursday!”

But lest you think Nicki is SOLELY about catsuits and jumpsuits and all things slinky, she does have a few fuller surprises up her sleeve:

Actually, this, AND the jumpsuit, both remind of me of things I feel like Christina would’ve worn years ago, back in her Dirrty phase but before the Marilyn phase (and thus obviously before her current Dirrty Marilyn phase). She is like the Black Swan, if the Black Swan were a dominatrix.

How to decide between the two? It’s going to be tough.

Look into their eyes and make the call. Parenthetically, I left these photos disproportionate because I like that it looks as if Nicki is popping out from behind Christina’s head, all, “BOO! GOTCHA!” I wish she would do that in real life. Separately, whatever, but together? Nickstina Minajilera would be unstoppable.