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Fugger: Zooey Deschanel
Now the scuttlebutt is over the fact that they’ve chosen to make Mindy Kaling’s cover black and white, and closely cropped. (She says she loves it, and she might. But let’s get real: NO ACTRESS is going to come out and say, “yeah, man. Elle really f’ed that up, right?” They are always going to politely claim to love their cover.) But the truth is that this scandal is distracting us all from the fact that Amy Poehler looks drunk on hers, and the other two aren’t very good either.
I really do not like this. At all. Let us count the ways.
1. Why are all the cover lines encroaching on her face, when there’s all that empty space at the bottom? Can’t we just scoot everything down a wee and let her breathe?
2. Was there an actual printing error? This cover looks like the person who laid it out was hammered. Why is the plus sign all the way over to the left, like it’s cut off?
3. And why is that stupid plus sign so much bigger than “I Escaped Life With 64 Sister Wives”? That should be bigger. THAT IS A LOT OF SISTER WIVES.
4. Why does Zooey Deschanel have Kristen Stewart’s facial expression?
5. That angle and that glare aren’t doing her loveliness justice at ALL, and they don’t really make me want to hang out with her for the duration of a magazine article.
6. Seriously, she doesn’t have to be cheery all the time, but I don’t think “Surly Zooey Deschanel” is tops on the list of things people want to see in the world.
7. Nor is Hunchback Zooey Deschanel, and yet here she is, too.
8. The Hunchback of Notre Deschanel does have a nice ring about it, though. THAT article, I might have paid to read.
[Photo: Marie Claire]
like Ironside does to shout things like “DAMMIT, MAN, WE HAVE PROCEDURES TO BE FOLLOWED,” so he crankily throws his cyborg out of the car and it gets run over by a semi and then a “defective” old-model detective is assigned to him, and it’s Ealy, and he says things like “I WAS MADE TO FEEL,” and a grudging-respect is born and also probably some conspiracy hooey. Urban looks like he’s phoning it in so hard and so long that his roaming charges will be astronomical. Cramazing.
And yada-yada Greg Kinnear in Rake as a ne’er-do-well (not a gardening tool, though the latter might inspire Emmy voters more) is zzzzzz, AND THEN. Sleepy Hollow has to be seen to be believed. It’s like Thor (Olde-Tymey Ichabod Crane comes back to life in modern America; makes wry comments about how many Starbucks we have and whether the black cops have all been emancipated, because slavery jokes are a treasure) meets National Treasure: Book of Horsemen (“THE ANSWERS ARE IN WASHINGTON’S BIBLE, ICHABOD! ICHABOOOOOOD!!!!!”) and even includes a moment when the cops shout “PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD… oh, wait” and ends with the slogan “Heads. Will. Roll.” As Stefon would say, “It. Has. Everything.” As I would say, “It. Is. Hilarrible.” I’m virtually certain I will watch. Then again, I said that when The Cape‘s hilarrible promo came out a few years ago, and I only made it through an episode and a half.
It’s not even that I don’t LIKE this, necessarily…
… just that, what party did anyone think this WAS? I get that it’s Tommy Hilfiger, and he’s the baron of preppy yachting-chic attire, but the Met Ball is not on a boat. It’s not even boat-adjacent, unless you count everything going on at the piers on the West side of Manhattan, which surely Anna Wintour does not. It’s also not on a beach, at the Hamptons, at someone’s back patio wedding, or in a Land’s End formalwear catalog. So punk theme or not, I’m a little confused about lavender seersucker at the Met Ball, period. I’m ALSO really not sure what I think about ZD without her signature bangs — something that I’m sure she feels a little stuck with now, as most people do with things that inadvertently became their signatures (see also: The Rachel, and possibly Tom Selleck or Victor Newman and their ‘staches) — so let’s just vote on all of it even though I’m vehement in my conclusion that this dress REALLY does not belong here. VEHEMENT, I TELL YOU.
This needs a little work, I think:
Primarily because right now, she looks like a student at one of the turn-of-the-century convent schools about which I used to enjoy reading when I was supposed to be doing my math homework. All she needs is a giant bow in her hair and the ability to make herself faint at will to get out of having to sit through Mass.