We need to talk about the FOX shows. Well, I haven’t watched the comedy clips yet, but the dramas… I can’t tell if they’re a steaming pile of awful or secretly so hate-watchably amazing that it becomes love-watching. Almost Human stars Karl Urban and Michael Ealy and LILI TAYLOR WHY ARE YOU THERE, and here is my run-on sentence summary: It’s set in a world where cops have cyborg partners, but Karl doesn’t care for this, see, because he’s been asleep for two years (?) and doesn’t have anyone around him like Ironside does to shout things like “DAMMIT, MAN, WE HAVE PROCEDURES TO BE FOLLOWED,” so he crankily throws his cyborg out of the car and it gets run over by a semi and then a “defective” old-model detective is assigned to him, and it’s Ealy, and he says things like “I WAS MADE TO FEEL,” and a grudging-respect is born and also probably some conspiracy hooey. Urban looks like he’s phoning it in so hard and so long that his roaming charges will be astronomical. Cramazing.

And yada-yada Greg Kinnear in Rake as a ne’er-do-well (not a gardening tool, though the latter might inspire Emmy voters more) is zzzzzz, AND THEN. Sleepy Hollow has to be seen to be believed.┬áIt’s like Thor (Olde-Tymey Ichabod Crane comes back to life in modern America; makes wry comments about how many Starbucks we have and whether the black cops have all been emancipated, because slavery jokes are a treasure) meets National Treasure: Book of Horsemen (“THE ANSWERS ARE IN WASHINGTON’S BIBLE, ICHABOD! ICHABOOOOOOD!!!!!”) and even includes a moment when the cops shout “PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD… oh, wait” and ends with the slogan “Heads. Will. Roll.” As Stefon would say, “It. Has. Everything.” As I would say, “It. Is. Hilarrible.” I’m virtually certain I will watch. Then again, I said that when The Cape’s hilarrible promo came out a few years ago, and I only made it through an episode and a half.

[Photos: Getty]