Fugger: Britney Spears

Letter of Truth: The Billboard Music Awards


Hey y’all,

I hardly ever get to write you a Letter of Truth anymore. It’s been so long that there are probably people who are alive who don’t know that I am a person who used to do things like have dance-offs and wear matching outfits with Justin Timberlake and stalk Justin Timberlake and kiss Justin Timberlake and write actual letters that I, the real Britney Spears, would post to my actual for-real website and they would be called LETTER[s] OF TRUTH and, obviously, they would have truths in them. Readers, I went through so much over the past baker’s dozens of numbers of years that this particular website right here that you are reading right now has been alive or whatever it is that websites are. I had babies and shaved my head and had a husband for three days and then married this OTHER person that we all thought was terrible but he actually turned out to be okay even though he’s missing now or something (I don’t know where he is). I had weird men try to date me and then I dated men who might have been normal but who cares because I broke up with them. I did bad things to my knees that meant that when I danced I mostly just stood still and waved my arms around, and then I got a job in Vegas and gained a secret mentor in the form of one Miss Celine Dion. Readers, Celine Dion would come to me at night and float over the top of my bed and hit herself real real hard in the chest and sing about her inner organs, and this is a thing that I am pretty sure happened for real and not just because I ate too much Alberto’s Beef Jerky before I went to bed. And because Celine is an inspirational human who sings much better than I do BUT CANNOT DANCE AT ALL — don’t tell her I said that — I was inspired to come back to the world and do things like walk on red carpets while people yell at me and take my pictures, and also to accept awards. Because it turns out that people like me and also I’m still extremely awesome and my knee feels better and I haven’t done anything like open a restaurant for children named after a dessert that grandmas make. I am Britney and you will love me forever and you will not care what I wear, but the truth is that I also decided to wear some really crazy shit this weekend because I don’t actually leave the house that often so why not make it interesting, right?

I love y’all. Come look at all my outfits!

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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MTV VMAs Fug Carpet: The Naked and the Sheers


Or in pizza* terms: It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorNOOOOOOOO.

*For the uninitiated, one day we decided we were tired of talking about sheer clothing and decided to talk about pizza instead. It’s morphed into GFY slang in which “pizza” means “sheer.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Teen Choice Awards Letter of Teen Choice Truth


Hey y’all!

GettyImages-484268136

The good news is, I just got an email from Mattel and they’re going to use these pictures to design their new Britney Barbie and it’s AWESOME because now I don’t have to put my shoes on and go into their offices.

Hope your summer is going great. Stay sweet!

Love, BRITNEY

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Letter of Truth, Part ESPYs


Hey y’all!

It’s been a long time since I got to bring you a Letter of Truth, so long that I realized maybe some of y’all don’t even know that The Letter of Truth is a real thing I did and not some crazy shit some weird lady-bloggers made up in a Cheeto-fried fever dream they had while they were off getting their roots dyed or whatever it is old people do. I used to write Letters of Truth ALL THE TIME because I used to have so much stuff to talk about, like K Fed (whatever happened to that guy) and Justin (I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT) and whatever my sister was doing with that pipe-layer she married that one time. And remember how I used to go out with Paris all the time, that one summer that everyone in Hollywood was driving down the freeway the wrong way and car-jacking people and flashing their cooters and shaving their heads? That was one crazy summer, y’all, like I’m pretty sure some smart person is going to write an oral history of it and I just hope I get to tell my story about how I found out Paris was going to jail while I was standing in a Denim Doctors getting my True Religions hemmed because it was totally the best day of my life. ANYWAY. Now I only really leave the house for special occasions and also when I am contractually required to do so by law and also last night, when I was celebrated for my amazing athletic achievements at the ESPYS:

The 2015 ESPYS - Arrivals

Y’all, I can’t even DANCE anymore so I have no idea what kind of sports thing I did to make this possible, but judging from what my mother made me wear before she shoved me into the limo and told me to go remind everyone that I’m still a thing — WHATEVER THAT MEANS — it’s possible I was a real good figure skater and I just forgot? I don’t know. That seems like something I might have had to learn for Crossroads, right? Anyway, just look at the back, y’all:

Read More

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Letter of Truth, Part WHAT


“Oh my god, y’all, I don’t know if you follow me on Instagram, but if you did than you saw this thing that happened to me:

My bod looks amazing in this old neoprene bikini from Body GloveĀ  that I found rattling around the back of the closet and decided to wear because the late 80s are super back and I look like maybe I was once in a Whitesnake video in it, but y’all: Since when does my face look like that? CAN YOU WAKE UP WITH A DIFFERENT FACE? Because the answer according to Women’s Health seems to be YES.

PS: Don’t ask me about Jessica Biel.

LOVE BRITNEY.”

[Photo: Instagram]

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New York Fugshion Week: Celebs of Day Six


We’re on the downhill slope for New York Fashion Week, but yesterday brought with it BRITNEY, Y’ALL.

 

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Letter of Truth: I Hate Math


Hey y’all!

So, it’s been like kajillion years since we talked and do you know why that is? It’s because I never leave the house anymore and when I do, I look just like any old normal lady person who’s going out to the Home Depot and then to California Pizza Kitchen for half a BBQ Chicken Chopped Salad, just like any other normal lady person who sometimes trips over her giant wedges and then has to be helped into the Costco and so now she’s not wearing them for a little while because her doctor said something-something arthroscopic something.

See?

THIS IS THE PERSON I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE Y’ALL. Pleather catsuits are exhausting. Oh right also I’m never out anymore because I guess I have that show in Vegas and it’s keeping me busy but what’s ACTUALLY keeping me busy in Vegas are three things: the slots, and also they have a Serendipity there now and I’m really busy trying to find it (I only know it’s there because I saw it on an episode of Food Network Star and also there was an ad in the LAS VEGAS MAGAZINE that’s in my dressing room).

You know who else hasn’t left the house lately? JESSICA BIEL I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

But anyway the whole reason I popped up today is because according to “sources” (the photographers who were with me today) some lady just walked up to me and GAVE ME THIS NICE RUG and I thought you should know that you’re still living in a world where strangers give former teen superstars really nice rugs just out of the goodness of their hearts. Not everything is as terrible as you think it is. Also, I wanted you to see that I look cute with this short haircut and actually I ALSO look better in sunglasses.

Maybe I’ll talk to you later. Am I on X-Files again this season? I kind of hope not. None of those people could sing and Demi Moore kept dipping the end of her extensions in my Diet Coke.

BYE!

Britney!

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