Fugger: Britney Spears

Letter of Truth, Part WHAT

“Oh my god, y’all, I don’t know if you follow me on Instagram, but if you did than you saw this thing that happened to me:

My bod looks amazing in this old neoprene bikini from Body GloveĀ  that I found rattling around the back of the closet and decided to wear because the late 80s are super back and I look like maybe I was once in a Whitesnake video in it, but y’all: Since when does my face look like that? CAN YOU WAKE UP WITH A DIFFERENT FACE? Because the answer according to Women’s Health seems to be YES.

PS: Don’t ask me about Jessica Biel.


[Photo: Instagram]


New York Fugshion Week: Celebs of Day Six

We’re on the downhill slope for New York Fashion Week, but yesterday brought with it BRITNEY, Y’ALL.



Letter of Truth: I Hate Math

Hey y’all!

So, it’s been like kajillion years since we talked and do you know why that is? It’s because I never leave the house anymore and when I do, I look just like any old normal lady person who’s going out to the Home Depot and then to California Pizza Kitchen for half a BBQ Chicken Chopped Salad, just like any other normal lady person who sometimes trips over her giant wedges and then has to be helped into the Costco and so now she’s not wearing them for a little while because her doctor said something-something arthroscopic something.


THIS IS THE PERSON I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE Y’ALL. Pleather catsuits are exhausting. Oh right also I’m never out anymore because I guess I have that show in Vegas and it’s keeping me busy but what’s ACTUALLY keeping me busy in Vegas are three things: the slots, and also they have a Serendipity there now and I’m really busy trying to find it (I only know it’s there because I saw it on an episode of Food Network Star and also there was an ad in the LAS VEGAS MAGAZINE that’s in my dressing room).

You know who else hasn’t left the house lately? JESSICA BIEL I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

But anyway the whole reason I popped up today is because according to “sources” (the photographers who were with me today) some lady just walked up to me and GAVE ME THIS NICE RUG and I thought you should know that you’re still living in a world where strangers give former teen superstars really nice rugs just out of the goodness of their hearts. Not everything is as terrible as you think it is. Also, I wanted you to see that I look cute with this short haircut and actually I ALSO look better in sunglasses.

Maybe I’ll talk to you later. Am I on X-Files again this season? I kind of hope not. None of those people could sing and Demi Moore kept dipping the end of her extensions in my Diet Coke.




People’s Choice Awards LETTER OF TRUTH

Hey, y’all:

I can’t tell y’all how honored I am that I won this interesting stabby crystal thing that I’m going to have to hide from my kids so they don’t accidentally murder me with it. Was this because of that awesome ice sculptures class I took about at the Mandalay Bay last week? The instructor did tell me that I had a grasp of the nuances of ice that surpassed all human understanding and then he said I was an ice-sculpting prodigy and I have seriously no idea what any of that means but it seemed good and so I gave him the tickets to my show that he wanted and I guess he really was right because look at this thing! ANYWAY, we should probably talk about my outfit. It’s my salute to frost and it’s how I’m telling all y’all out there in that polar vortex thing that happened this week or whenever that was that I am thinking of you and how cold you are and stuff, I guess. I’m a humanitarian now. And an ice sculptress. OMG AN ICE SCULPTRESS WHO CARES ABOUT POLAR THINGS TOTALLY MAKES SENSE. SUBTEXT AND STUFF.



[Photo: Getty]



Hey y’all!

GUESS WHAT? Like Celine Dion before me I have moved to Vegas and now I live in Vegas and I have a show in Vegas and do you know what else they have in Vegas that I love? SLOT MACHINES. AND ALSO BUFFETS. And also it’s really easy to get married here which is great for me and also Elvis lives here and I seriously thought he was dead but I guess I should be used to the fact that no one ever tells me anything by now. ANYWAY. Let’s look at all my outfits that they’re making me wear even though I don’t want to.

[Photos: Splash]


Well Played Cover: Britney Spears on InStyle


I look really GOOD on the cover of InStyle:

Tyra Banks texted me something about my neck that I didn’t understand because Tyra doesn’t speak English anymore — her text was all, “SMIZE BOOCH TOOCH BUT YOU FORGOT TO NOOCH. WERKKIT H2T <3 TYTYBAYBEE” and I don’t even understand what some of those letters are doing in that order but I just figure that Tyra is annoyed with me because I told her I couldn’t be fiercely real with her that one time, because I didn’t know what being fiercely real would ENTRAIL. Anywaaaaay, other than my lack of NOOCH, whatever that is, I look PRETTY FANTASTIC here, don’t I? Let’s talk about all the things that I am doing right now that are currently fantastic:

1) I am moving into Caesar’s Place, which is fantastic because their cocktail waitresses are the best dressed people in Las Vegas and maybe they’ll loan me one of their little togas and then I can finally look like Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor in Liz & Dick when I am outside having a Diet and Bacardi by the Lazy River and that is my number-one dream, okay?

b) I’m real in love with whatever rando brunette dude I’m dating right now, y’all. Whatever he’s called, no one has ever made me feel like him, whoever he is. NOT EVEN YOU JUSTIN. Actually honestly y’all, now that I have seen the horrible hideous ugly things Jessica Biel has been wearing since they got married I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. I am being totally serious, you guys. She has to wear like crocheted pants and stuff now and I was never going to do that. I might be unmarried right now and I might have to give Kevin Federline like twelve thousand dollars a month in alimony and I might be the record-holder for Shortest Vegas Marriage On Record but at least I get to wear whatever I want, y’all, and yeah, sometimes it IS a pair of cut-offs I haven’t washed in six months because I want to see if I can get them to stand up by themselves, but so what? That’s FREEDOM.

?) That reminds me, I should totally marry someone when I live in Vegas, RIGHT, Y’ALL? Oh my God, callĀ People and tell them that I am probably going to get married when I am in Vegas, maybe at the Lazy River and maybe to a craps dealer I AM SO EXCITED. THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST IDEAS.

iv) My Mom just called and I guess I’m actually moving into something called “Planet Hollywood” and I’m actually not that happy about that because no one told me that space travel was going to be involved in this and I don’t know if my new weave is going to look so hot in zero gravity but whatever I guess I signed the contract. There better be a lazy river there, is all I’m saying.

g)RIGHT, so I’m honestly over Justin and anyone who doesn’t think so can SUCK IT.

5) I do seriously look really good on this cover and so what if some of it is Photoshop? That’s the whole point of Photoshop.

*) The nice people at InStyle called me “Britney!” and I am pretty sure that’s because they know I like to sign my Letters of Truth, which makes me feel like someone understands me finally.