Fugger: Britney Spears

Letter of Truth, Part ESPYs


Hey y’all!

It’s been a long time since I got to bring you a Letter of Truth, so long that I realized maybe some of y’all don’t even know that The Letter of Truth is a real thing I did and not some crazy shit some weird lady-bloggers made up in a Cheeto-fried fever dream they had while they were off getting their roots dyed or whatever it is old people do. I used to write Letters of Truth ALL THE TIME because I used to have so much stuff to talk about, like K Fed (whatever happened to that guy) and Justin (I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT) and whatever my sister was doing with that pipe-layer she married that one time. And remember how I used to go out with Paris all the time, that one summer that everyone in Hollywood was driving down the freeway the wrong way and car-jacking people and flashing their cooters and shaving their heads? That was one crazy summer, y’all, like I’m pretty sure some smart person is going to write an oral history of it and I just hope I get to tell my story about how I found out Paris was going to jail while I was standing in a Denim Doctors getting my True Religions hemmed because it was totally the best day of my life. ANYWAY. Now I only really leave the house for special occasions and also when I am contractually required to do so by law and also last night, when I was celebrated for my amazing athletic achievements at the ESPYS:

The 2015 ESPYS - Arrivals

Y’all, I can’t even DANCE anymore so I have no idea what kind of sports thing I did to make this possible, but judging from what my mother made me wear before she shoved me into the limo and told me to go remind everyone that I’m still a thing — WHATEVER THAT MEANS — it’s possible I was a real good figure skater and I just forgot? I don’t know. That seems like something I might have had to learn for Crossroads, right? Anyway, just look at the back, y’all:

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Letter of Truth, Part WHAT


“Oh my god, y’all, I don’t know if you follow me on Instagram, but if you did than you saw this thing that happened to me:

My bod looks amazing in this old neoprene bikini from Body GloveĀ  that I found rattling around the back of the closet and decided to wear because the late 80s are super back and I look like maybe I was once in a Whitesnake video in it, but y’all: Since when does my face look like that? CAN YOU WAKE UP WITH A DIFFERENT FACE? Because the answer according to Women’s Health seems to be YES.

PS: Don’t ask me about Jessica Biel.

LOVE BRITNEY.”

[Photo: Instagram]

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New York Fugshion Week: Celebs of Day Six


We’re on the downhill slope for New York Fashion Week, but yesterday brought with it BRITNEY, Y’ALL.

 

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Letter of Truth: I Hate Math


Hey y’all!

So, it’s been like kajillion years since we talked and do you know why that is? It’s because I never leave the house anymore and when I do, I look just like any old normal lady person who’s going out to the Home Depot and then to California Pizza Kitchen for half a BBQ Chicken Chopped Salad, just like any other normal lady person who sometimes trips over her giant wedges and then has to be helped into the Costco and so now she’s not wearing them for a little while because her doctor said something-something arthroscopic something.

See?

THIS IS THE PERSON I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE Y’ALL. Pleather catsuits are exhausting. Oh right also I’m never out anymore because I guess I have that show in Vegas and it’s keeping me busy but what’s ACTUALLY keeping me busy in Vegas are three things: the slots, and also they have a Serendipity there now and I’m really busy trying to find it (I only know it’s there because I saw it on an episode of Food Network Star and also there was an ad in the LAS VEGAS MAGAZINE that’s in my dressing room).

You know who else hasn’t left the house lately? JESSICA BIEL I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

But anyway the whole reason I popped up today is because according to “sources” (the photographers who were with me today) some lady just walked up to me and GAVE ME THIS NICE RUG and I thought you should know that you’re still living in a world where strangers give former teen superstars really nice rugs just out of the goodness of their hearts. Not everything is as terrible as you think it is. Also, I wanted you to see that I look cute with this short haircut and actually I ALSO look better in sunglasses.

Maybe I’ll talk to you later. Am I on X-Files again this season? I kind of hope not. None of those people could sing and Demi Moore kept dipping the end of her extensions in my Diet Coke.

BYE!

Britney!

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People’s Choice Awards LETTER OF TRUTH


Hey, y’all:

I can’t tell y’all how honored I am that I won this interesting stabby crystal thing that I’m going to have to hide from my kids so they don’t accidentally murder me with it. Was this because of that awesome ice sculptures class I took about at the Mandalay Bay last week? The instructor did tell me that I had a grasp of the nuances of ice that surpassed all human understanding and then he said I was an ice-sculpting prodigy and I have seriously no idea what any of that means but it seemed good and so I gave him the tickets to my show that he wanted and I guess he really was right because look at this thing! ANYWAY, we should probably talk about my outfit. It’s my salute to frost and it’s how I’m telling all y’all out there in that polar vortex thing that happened this week or whenever that was that I am thinking of you and how cold you are and stuff, I guess. I’m a humanitarian now. And an ice sculptress. OMG AN ICE SCULPTRESS WHO CARES ABOUT POLAR THINGS TOTALLY MAKES SENSE. SUBTEXT AND STUFF.

STAY WARM,

Britney!

[Photo: Getty]

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Letter of Truth: VEGAS VACATION Y’ALL


Hey y’all!

GUESS WHAT? Like Celine Dion before me I have moved to Vegas and now I live in Vegas and I have a show in Vegas and do you know what else they have in Vegas that I love? SLOT MACHINES. AND ALSO BUFFETS. And also it’s really easy to get married here which is great for me and also Elvis lives here and I seriously thought he was dead but I guess I should be used to the fact that no one ever tells me anything by now. ANYWAY. Let’s look at all my outfits that they’re making me wear even though I don’t want to.

[Photos: Splash]

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