Fug File: Fugs

GQ Woman of the Fug: Kim Kardashian in Ralph & Russo


“THANK YOU, GQ, WISE BESTOWERS OF STATUES, FOR SEEING WHAT’S TRUE WHICH IS THAT MY BOO IS THE DOPEST VIEW, THE TOTAL CHEESE FONDUE, THE KOALA’S BAMBOO, THE STRONGEST HOME BREW, HOTTER THEN EVERY BRITISH HUGH, NOT JUST DINNER BUT THE WHOLE MENU. SHE WHIPPED UP SOMETHING SPECIAL, SOMETHING WITH POP: SHE TOOK HAUTE COUTURE AND CUT OFF THE TOP AND PUT A LEATHER PROP UNDER HER GIFT SHOP, THE WHISTLE TO MY STOP, MY FAVORITE PLACE TO FLOP. SHE’S SICKER THAN NUTELLA, ALL SPLASH MEETS BARBARELLA EXCEPT WITH A DOPE-ASS FELLA WHOSE MATCHING CLEAVAGE IS BLAZIN-HELLA (BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M HAPPY FOR KIM AND I’MMA LET HER FINISH BUT SHE SHOULD’VE WORN GIVENCHY BECAUSE MY MAN RICCARDO TISCI CAN TURN PLAIN UGLY INTO HISTORY BUT YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT FROM ME).  OH LOOK SOMEONE’S CALLING MY PHONE MACHINE. HEY THERE, JAY-Z, HOW THE HELL’VE YOU BEEN? OH YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN THE LATRINE? IS YOUR ANTI-KIM SMUG MIEN TURNING BOTTLE-GREEN BECAUSE IT’S SO OBSCENE THAT WE’RE STILL WICKED KEEN? YEAH, SUCK ON THAT, JEANINE, THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BLOW OFF OUR WEDDING AFTER WE’VE CARVED YOUR NAMES INTO THE DAMN GOLD TABLE. I MEAN REALLY. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY. SHEESH.”

[PHOTOS: GETTY, SPLASH]

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WTF: Ciara


Well, look, she’s just gone through a rather contentious break-up:

Newly single Ciara looks stylish for a dinner at Crustacean **USA ONLY**

And as far as I am concerned, nothing says, “IN YOUR FACE, EX-BOYFRIEND” like thigh-high boots with build-in knee-pads, leather shorts, and a real cozy short-sleeved version of those coats they give to swim teams. Wait, the end of that sentence turned out wrong.

[Photo: AKM/GSI]

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Casual Fuggerday: Ariana Grande on the Today Show


Here’s my hangup with Ariana Grande (whom my teenage niece loves; like, if Ariana is on TV, BACK OFF, because it’s not going anywhere): About seventy-five percent of the time, if not more, nothing she’s doing makes it all the way up to her eyes.

Ariana Grade Performs On NBC's "Today" Show

On the red carpet she usually looks half-terrified; when she’s performing, it’s like you can see the hamsters huffing and puffing on the wheel, trying not to trip and fall off it. (That’s not a comment on her intellect. More like, I feel like I can see her counting steps, planning ahead to the next dance move.) I remember the VMAs — or Grammys? — when she just stood up there and sang her heart out and was talented and cute, and it worked better for her in particular, to me, than all this generic Pop Princess stuff that feels strained. Although I am not her target audience, and whatever hash she’s slinging is CLEARLY finding a place on my niece’s plate, so whatever.

That said, this cellophane cheerleader bit is as dead to me as her eyes sometimes are (although can we give three cheers for her lipstick? It’s gorgeous on her). At first I thought it was going to be the skirt that annoyed me, until I got to this shot of the top and saw that it puts the “bust” in “bustier.” No need to be all Barneys all the time, but no need to be Dollar Store, either.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Royals Round-Up, August 29th 2014


HARRY (allegedly) HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND. I think she looks very much like Kate.  (There’s a rumor that Chelsy Davy is engaged, so it’s possible poor Harry is merely burying his long-simmering romantic devastation in a new lady [there are long-standing theories that Chelsy is The One Who Got Away], but this one does seem suitably sporty + charity minded, although her name is Camilla, so we’re going to have to come up with a nickname to differentiate between her and Camilla The First, if she proves to have staying power. But my snap judgement based on basically nothing is that I’ve decided I like this one. Kate, come on. Email me the scoop. Surely you’re reading this on your phone, in Scotland.)

Anyway, we’re light on pictures of the Brits this week — Kate and Wills have stuff planned for September, kicking off with an event in Oxford next week-ish, so we will not be bereft that long — and nada from Spain or Monaco or the Netherlands, but Denmark and Sweden are holding up the side.

ELSEWHERE, for your reading pleasure:

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FugJour Magazine: Kendall and Kylie Jenner


Kylie Jenner always looks so Over It to me.

Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner  for DuJour Magazine

In this instance, I believe she’s looking straight into my soul and saying, “I know right? It’s Batboobs over there or Supernavel. Can I file for emancipation yet?”

[Photo: Splash]

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Well Played, Zoe Saldana in Preen


First of all: There are photos in which she looks far cheerier, never fear. But you can’t see her outfit in ANY OF THEM to which I have access, so smirky it is:

Zoe Saldana at the CANTINFLAS Premiere in Hollywood

The print is kind of like Collegiate Photography Show On Crack, and the dress is all Prim Schoolgirl, and it turns out that marriage is going to be one for the ages. Who knew?

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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