Author Archives: Heather

Casual Fuggerday: Jennifer Lopez


“I am tired, lovers. I am chained to the Idol show again and nobody is talking about me because they want to giggle about Keith Suburban and Harry Blahnick Junior, and the fatigue, lovers, it is making me wilt. Even my poetry is crooked.  It is melting off of my bosom. I AM NOT ‘MOTH, ER.’ I DO NOT EAT CLOTHES AND THEN WATCH GEORGE CLOONEY WEAR MEDICAL CLOTHES. I am the mother of YES. REMEMBER.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Fug the “Cover”: Miley Cyrus on Seventeen

There has to be a secret story about this cover. Right?

Because that’s not a cover — it’s a “cover,” by which I mean, that’s just a photograph of Miley from a red-carpet event in February. Specifically, this one. And while her face and hair DO look perfectly nice here, it seems INCREDIBLY strange for Seventeen – supposedly one of the premier teen mags, and without even that much competition to worry about — to be slapping a Getty Images photo on its cover. Was it, in keeping with the “Freebie” theme, a money-savings? Is Seventeen too broke for a photo shoot? Is it lazy because it has no competition outside of Teen Vogue? Do we think Miley was scheduled to do one and then had to bail, for some mysterious reason? (This is the one I’m hoping for, because I like gossip.) Or is this happening all the time with Seventeen and I just didn’t notice because I am *cough, cough* a tiny wee bit out of its demographic? I mean, I could’ve dummied up this cover in ten minutes with Photoshop. This can’t bode well. Come on, Seventeen, pull it together. If the world can’t have Sassy or YM anymore, it needs you.


Unfug It Up: Anna Camp

This is SO CLOSE to being cute. So tantalizingly close.

Her head looks awesome. Her shoes are fabulous. And the crisp idea of the dress really works on her, but boy, is the execution weird. If only the boob patches joined up with the skirt, they’d look less like she’s in bandages. If only the underskirt didn’t look so much like an apron on a carhop. If only she were wearing a bracelet, and had a clutch that didn’t seem like it was originally planned for another outfit.

The waffled bit IS pretty, but I think that’s way too much of it down there on her thighs, and it’s used weirdly everywhere else… I just feel like there has to be a way to design this dress so that it still feels springy and cool and cute, and doesn’t evoke a waitress at a diner, and I suspect Fug Nation is just the bunch to fix it. To make it pitch perfect, as it were. O SNAP. When you have nothing witty left in the tank on a Friday afternoon, it’s a cherished GFY staple to go for the hackiest joke in the arsenal. I knew you’d be expecting it and I didn’t want to let you down; ergo I can call it SELFLESS triteitude. (Because, another GFY staple: nonsense words. IS IT BEER O’CLOCK YET?)

[Photos: Getty]


Beijing Film Fugstival: Zhang Ziyi

Usually, an outfit is felled by its LACK of pants:

But this one, unfortunately, has fallen victim to supreme overconfidence in them. She is a beautiful, ageless lady, and those pants are at least sixty-five and well on their way to collecting Social Security. And if the Everest-size pleats haven’t completely ruined this for you, then the stripper platforms can bat clean-up.

[Photo: Getty]


Zosia Fugmet

La Mamet is BACK:

And she’s performing her usual alchemy. Separately, most of this is probably totally fine — I even LIKE the wackadoo demi-paisley pants — and yet something about the way she puts the ingredients together bakes up the weirdest fug souffle. Here’s hoping she keeps her secret recipe to herself.

[Photos: Getty]


Fug the Show: Lindsay Lohan on “Watch What Happens Live”

Lindsay comes to an end on OWN this Sunday night with a two-hour finale that might liquefy whatever is left inside my skull. To promote it, she went on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, except apparently the “live” part was not entirely accurate, and said a lot of the types of things one says when one has done a reality show and the resulting portrayal of one’s personality is less than rewarding. Oh, and she also wore a crown:

AND A BRA. In fact, Andy Cohen asked her why she never wears one, and she shrugged that she thinks they’re uncomfortable, and then gestured to her demonstrably present black bra. I REALLY wish I trusted that she wore this outfit specifically as a nod to the Internet criticism she’s received for all that, but I don’t have a read on her self-awareness yet. She pointed it out almost like an afterthought, so if it was meticulously chosen, she forgot that awfully fast. Seriously, if I were on TV in that outfit — or at the grocery store in that outfit, or in my own home in that outfit — I would NEVER be able to forget it. In a bad way.

I MEAN. She looks like the No. 6 skater from one of those small nations that only ever sends, like, half of one figure skater to the Olympics. She’s totally auditioning for Reign, right? Anytime I see someone dressed as Coachella Attendee With Royal Aspirations, I think of that show.

She also does her Real Housewives style walk-with-motto, which she delivers as, “I’m done with mug shots and I’m ready for an Oscar.” She does at least laugh at this, thank God, but later she ALSO tells Andy that former Housewife Jill Zarin, who was fired in 2011, has a message for him — which is that Jill and Dina Lohan should do Real Housewives of New York together and bring up the ratings (their words). I KNEW IT. I KNEW Dina would have her eye on that prize. And that she would somehow try to wrangle Lindsay into giving people the idea. GROSS. STOP IT. To his credit, Andy looks and sounds terrified by that idea and only barely manages to cover it.

#SaveMatt was also present:

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