Author Archives: Heather

Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Andrea Riseborough in Escada

This whole thing is so odd.

andrea rise borough critics choice awards 2015

She’s like the Talking Heads meets the Girl Scouts with a dash of Inspector Gadget, as painted by Hans Holbein. Either Hans Holbein.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Fug or Fab: Angelina Jolie

Well, it’s certainly slinky and shiny and giving her waist a wonderful curve.

angelina jolie critics choice awards

So why am I BORED? I think it’s because about 85 percent of the time, Angelina is either in tight black pants and a white shirt and a black blazer, or something befitting her whole Motherly Nightgown preference. And I’m not sure WHY, because she seems like a person who’d take bigger chances than that. If I could pin her down and ask her one off-the-record question… well, I would not ask the one I’m about to type. I have about forty I would ask first. But at SOME point I would say, “Pick a dress in this room that you wish you were wearing and tell my why you AREN’T.” Like, what about Emily Blunt’s? Angelina would KILL in a skimming, elaborate red sheath. Or Diane Kruger’s — too precious, maybe, but it’s an ATTEMPT at least. Is Angie too afraid of not being taken seriously? Because that ship has sailed — at this point in her life as an actor, director, and humanitarian, you probably either do or you don’t, and it would take a lot to sway you in either direction. What if she were as adventurous as the preternaturally sophisticated and enviable Cate Blanchett, who manages to come off important and real at all times even when she’s wearing a glorified spider web? So I mean… you do you, Angelina, and if that’s what THIS is, then congratulate whoever found something that lies so beautifully on your waist. But if this isn’t really you and you’re playing a role, please claw out of your rut. Because you could DOMINATE if you wanted to, and I often wish you did.

What do YOU think?

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[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Fug or Fab: Reese Witherspoon in Lanvin

When I first saw this gown, I thought there was a slit along the side, and that the inside of the black was lined with a matching fuchsia:

reese witherspoon critics choice awards 2015

And I really LIKED that. Creative skirt linings are catnip to me (that is an INCREDIBLY specific thing, I realize, but if it helps it’s not the ONLY thing I like that much — others include sauces, a very cold Diet Coke from a can, Branston pickle on Double Gloucester cheese, almost anything Kenan Thompson or Aidy Bryant does on SNL, bathrobes, etc). It seemed like a fun way to jazz up a basic design, and I embraced it and then went to dinner.

When I came back, there were photos of the gown from the other side:

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Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Rosamund Pike in Valentino

I am imagining a scenario in which, after her Globes dress hung on her torso like a wedding tent, Rosamund Pike went back to her people and said, “THAT WAS A DISASTER. Tighten up this operation, if you know what I mean. SAVE THE GIRLS.”

The 20th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards Rosamund Pike

And so this happened. This awards season cannot be going the way any of these three had hoped. (And while in fairness I don’t hate the skirt, is she just going to wear white this whole awards season? Is this The Many Symbolic Weddings of Rosamund Pike to the Hollywood Machine?)

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Well Played: Diane Kruger in Naeem Khan

This is a voluminous miracle.

The 20th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards Diane Kruger

It’s possible that ONLY Diane Kruger could wear something straight out of Delft Porcelain for Bed Bath & Beyond and have it look perfect, graceful, dreamy. AND she has a cat that high-fives Pacey’s foot (thanks, Instagram). WHY DOES SHE HAVE EVERYTHING? AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE CATS. I did like Cats, though, but in fairness I was six when I saw it. So be kind.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Critics’ Choice Movie Awards Unfug or Fab: Jennifer Aniston in Gucci

I admit, I was tempted for a second to put Angelina and Aniston in the same post, and make you vote. Team Jen vs. Team Jolie, once and for all. But then I decided that story is A DECADE OLD NOW. Nobody cares. I’m on both your teams, and neither of your teams, all at the same time. As much as I love soaps and a good ol’ catfight, I’m over it, and — inasmuch as you’re ever truly over wanting to stick it to your ex’s new lobster — I suspect both of them are over it as well, because they would rather their gravestones not read, say, “Here lieth Jennifer Aniston, former wife of Brad Pitt, did some acting stuff, hated Angelina until her last breath, enraged that she went first, Unbroken stank,” or whatever.

So. For today, at least, until I change my mind again, I will only IMAGINE the side-eyes that might have been exchanged, and instead focus on Jennifer’s getup. (Except for how I just wrote a whole paragraph about her and Angelina ANYWAY. Sorry, Jen. Best efforts and all that.)

Jennifer Aniston at The 20th Annual Critics Choice Movie Awards in Hollywood

Jennifer had a truly endearing look on her face at the Globes that suggested she thought maybe, just maybe, she might win that thing for Cake. She didn’t, and then didn’t get an Oscar nod either. (I forgot that when I wrote my Oscar Afternoon Chat post. Haven’t seen that one, either.) That has to be disappointing. But much like how Emily Blunt may have been like, “FINE, let me show you what you are missing,” this outfit says to me, “Just be cool. Be cool. You’re not bummed. Be cool. You’re chill like ice. BE COOL. IT DIDN’T BOTHER YOU, YOU’RE JUST A COMPLETELY HIP PERSON OUT FOR A CASUAL NIGHT, YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT TROPHIES, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE  MANTEL, ALTHOUGH THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU SLEDGEHAMMERED IT IN A RAGE THIS AFTERNOON BUT WHATEVER NOBODY KNOWS THAT.”

What I like about it: the RED. As in, generally the only color she’ll wear that isn’t black or white or grey, although this one has a rusty tinge to it that’s a nice change from Fire Engine hues And I appreciate that it’s a departure from type. I even don’t hate the idea of the sexy suit jacket, sans shirt and plus sternum bling. But sometimes that can look weighed-down rather than like Letting It All Hang Out, and I worry this is leaning toward the former. I also think the overlong pant with the aggressive seams, paired with matching shoes, takes it even further away from hip and into older-lady territory. A slimmer fit on her shins and a high strappy pair of black or gold shoes… what do you think? Does it help? Tell it like it is in the comments. Y’all, be there for her. ‘Cause she’s there for you too.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]