Author Archives: Heather

Fug the Bangs (And Other Stuff): Beyonce

Blue Ivy’s safety scissors couldn’t cut butter, but apparently they CAN cut bangs. A beytrayal of the highest order.

[Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet]


Carefully Played: Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior

Remember when Kristen Stewart returned to the red carpet post-Rupert Saunders with a dress that screamed, “I CARE NOTHING FOR YOUR JUDGMENTS”? There is a part of me that wishes Jennifer Lawrence had come out swinging after the nude-photo incident, and worn something that flipped the bird to both the gross perpetrators of that crime AND the people who acted like the real crime was her being naked (I mean, yeah, not taking nude photos is probably the most prudent choice for a celebrity, but nobody else has a right to them, and people need to leave others’ private stuff the hell alone).

Having said that:

Jennifer Lawrence at premiere of Serena

I think this is pretty good — it’s got a sliver of sex appeal, but it’s also streamlined and chic, and avoids being stodgy. Dior has done SO MUCH WORSE by her that I’m relieved to see they all got this one right. Even the shoes work. Could they be saucier? Yes. But as black pumps go, those are beautifully shaped, and are such a welcome break from the whole platform/round toe/hoof aesthetic that I’m almost misty-eyed.

So, I’m torn. I would hate it if this staid outing is because anyone made J.Lawr think she needed to play it safe. But maybe she just FELT like playing it safe because she’s tired of everyone wailing about how the marriage between her and Dior is an unholy union of atrocious taste. And THEN I started wondering if she’s paranoid that Gwyneth Paltrow and the GOOP Army is out to get her for hooking up with Chris Martin — I read a Blind Item the other day that implied she’s getting detailed instructions from Gwyneth all about how to handle their children, right down to how much and what kinds of food they are allowed to eat – and thus might be going out of her way to look super respectable for THAT. And THEN THEN I got mad at GOOP for that even though I’m partially inventing it, because it has The Ring of Truth, and that made me come back around to wishing she were wearing something that tried to out-Paltrow La Paltrow. And then my tiny brain lost half its cells to an explosion and now I sort of wish she were in a sparkly minidress like the way it looked in the ORIGINAL Star Wars when the first Death Star blew to smithereens.

All of which is to say that I both like this and wish she were in something fresher. I can feel both those things at the same time, right?


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[Photo Getty]


Fug the Show: How To Get Away With Murder recap, season 1, episode 3

I wonder if the network gave notes after last week that there wasn’t enough actual real authentic legal procedures, because after The Great Missing Objections Scandal of 2014, the word “OBJECTION” was blurted out all over the place this week. If true, this makes you wonder why they didn’t just ADR the word “OBJECTION” right before Viola’s ridiculous line in that episode. Forget Olivia Pope. I am your fixer.

Let’s get the Pretty Little Lawyers out of the way.

How to Get Away With Murder, season 1, episode 3 recap

In this week’s present-day scenes, we find out that the whole gang gathered in Annalise’s office while Sam lay there in a Lake Eeeerie of his own blood and viscera. Wes went straight to a sobbing Rebecca, and Michaela was blubbering over by the bookshelf. Connor went over to her and started hissing all up in her face, because he’s a totally unappealing jackhole and I do not get this show’s insistence on putting him and his reek behavior at the top of every hour. It’s so off-putting. I don’t expect him to be speaking in respectful rhyming couplets during a stressful MUUURDER situation, but… anyway. He is neither as cute nor charismatic nor entertaining as the show believes him to be; instead he is greasy and stabby-making. Maybe he will be next season’s MUUURDER.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 3

As much as my relationship with this show is frequently one of frustration, there’s something soothing about the return to Scandal of the Week storylines, because it pushes (Un)B-Lievable stuff down and away from the fore. Of course, having said that, Portia de Rossi is stepping into that space and filling it with her own brand of being one scheme ahead of everyone, and while it’s nice to see a lady puppet master, it’s also a little exhausting to replace one shady behind-the-scenes operator with another.

Scandal, Season 4, episode 3

This week, Portia and the NRA honcho (played by Kyle Secor; I think he’s been on before?) are commiserating about Fitz’s insistence on gun control legislation, which is chapping the hide of her party’s extremist power players. She reassures him it isn’t going to pass, because she keeps all her schemes stashed in the hair that’s as tall as the Chrysler building. It’s like a head-purse full of plans.

incoming: mellie’s non-wine cardigan


Fug or Fab: Leighton Meester in Narciso Rodriguez

I love a lively pant.

Leighton Meester

But I swear, I detect a whiff of the polterwang in there, which is not quite the packaging one wants from one’s pants.


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[Photo: Getty]


Unfug It Up: Juliette Binoche in Fausto Puglisi

This bob is oppressive on her. I hope it’s for a role, because I think it’s aging her.

Juliette Binoche

However, I embrace that skirt enthusiastically. I just wish the top were a little less “I am the stern French headmistress of an academy of contemporary dance.” Black turtlenecks can be severe. So let’s redesign the bodice. Is it as simple as being a short-sleeve turtleneck, or a long-sleeve scoopneck? My preference for these things tends to be a deep, narrow vee, but if I know Fug Nation — AND I DO — y’all can come up with something more creative than I just did. So here is your canvas. Allez!

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]