Fug Madness 2018, Round 1: There Are Some Real Doozies In Here

A reminder: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2017, all the way through the Oscars that just finished (so, March 2, 2017, to March 5, 2018). Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. The bracket is here, the Fug Madness FAQ is here, and if you missed the first 16 matchups from yesterday, start here with the Cher Bracket and click forward.

(1) Demi Lovato vs. (16) Saoirse Ronan · (4) Andrea Riseborough vs. (13) Celine Dion · (5)Jennifer Lopez vs. (12) Kate Bosworth · (8) Mandy Moore vs. (9) Chloe Sevigny

(1) DEMI LOVATO vs. (16) SAOIRSE RONAN

Demo Lovato wore stuff this year that wasn’t pants. But I have a theory that she can win this matchup, and possibly the next few, or even this whole damn thing, on pants alone. I’m not even LOOKING at the dresses right now. Why? Doesn’t that feel like a waste of time, when we could be gazing upon this?

It is a garment that defies belief, and logic, and any and all aesthetic laws. And there is so much more whence it came. Like these frumpy khakis, or an outfit you THINK is just a skirt with two slits, until you realize it’s a SPLIT-LEG JUMPSUIT. But I guess… at least she didn’t install zippers on that one? Unlike this:

Apparently zippers up to the knee simply weren’t enough, because for this next outfit she extended them up as far as possible:

Confused? Well, strap in, and clutch at something stabilizing, because the fugnado is not stopping:

This one looks just as bad from the side. It’s a MARVEL, if by “marvel” you mean “monstrosity.” And what would any self-respecting Fug Madness contestant do when offered Hammer pants? Why, wear them, of course:

With a smile. And a sheer shirt, for good measure.

Saoirse did not offend via trousers this year. But she did wear the most drab Oscars garment imaginable, especially considering a raft of more creative attempts leading up to the big night.

It’s JUST SO POORLY DONE. And poorly chosen. And boredly styled. Even if you know you’re not going home with an Oscar, don’t check out completely. You can still enjoy the hotel’s many amenities, so to speak.

I guess Saoirse was really feeling pink this season, because at the SAGs she picked a frock in that color that unfortunately also looks like her armpits are sweating glitter. She also displayed a fondness for boob keyholes, as worn in this white dress and this ill-fitting shiny orange version. She wore them quite close together, and they’re fairly similar. Two-for-one?

This was not even worth a freebie:

How does one wear those? All that fringe is the equivalent of two hundred untied shoelaces just WAITING to kill you. I also just realized I’ve referenced injurious tripping a lot lately. I hope I’m not writing my own future into being. In the meantime, remind yourself of Saoirse’s sheer-sided jumpsuit from when she was on Jimmy Fallon and then remind yourself that she’s up against Demi, and set to ponderin’.

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(4) ANDREA RISEBOROUGH vs. (13) CELINE DION

Andrea is a fascinating character to me. I don’t know her well enough from her work to recognize her immediately — or rather, I didn’t, until this year, when her wardrobe burned itself onto my brain. But my point is that she always looks a bit different to me every time I see her, like when I saw the thumbnail of this photo and was SURE she was Ashlee Simpson. Or when she bronzed herself silly:

Or when she gelled her eyelashes into villainous spikes:

Those are apparently the neon stretchy Balenciaga boots, worn with SHORTS, that are then underneath this elaborate gown. It’s a LOT to ingest, as was this very large and largely shapeless outing.

There is also a terrible Monse, because, my God, there is ALWAYS a terrible Monse.

I can see why this appealed to her. Based on this filmy white day dress, she really likes letting ONLY her upper arms breathe.

Please do not sleep on the fact that Andrea wore a hipster hat and tight sequined mini to the Vanity Fair Oscar party. And this, her closing argument, feels like something her opponent Celine Dion would love:

Of course, Celine’s response to that would be this:

We did a huge slideshow of Celine’s clothes at year’s end, analyzing her pre-Law Roach years and her post-Law ones. If you want to immerse yourself in her, the best bet is to click here, which takes you straight to slide 17, and just cruise to the end. That is everything in her Fug Madness war chest, right there, and I highly recommend that you look at it because IT IS A RIDE. However, because I love it, I am still going to post highlights. Or lowlights, as it were. Like:

Celine spent the entire summer, possibly longer, living in a hotel in Paris and being confronted by fans cheering her every single time she came and went. And she STILL acted surprised. Gotta love her.

I wonder if she freelanced on this. Generally, Law Roach does not subscribe to anything that… tragic.

Are those basically her answer to Andrea’s Balenciagas?

At least she is cheerful. But seriously, can even a smile excuse whatever those shoes are?

And THOSE. They are PEARLED HOOVES with leather overalls. You can wave at me all you want, Celine, but I cannot handwave those in return. Is that okay? Are we still cool?

Thanks, friend.

Archives: Andrea Riseborough, Celine Dion

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(5) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (12) KATE BOSWORTH

Kate Bosworth had a worse sartorial year than I remembered. Unbelievably, I managed to bleach from my brain this truly strange thing that doesn’t even seem REMOTELY like it matches her tastes.

Some free lunches aren’t that tasty, Kate. Send it back.

Part of the issue is that Kate, I think, can be very easily overwhelmed. This gold sequined number might have been great on any number of people, but it totally overshadows her. This floral suit is eye-crossing on her. And I admittedly can’t tell if these pant legs are ACTUALLY different widths, or if it’s the way she’s standing, or just the wrong size.

This lacy confection looks really chilly on her:

It’s a very depressing Miss Havisham situation. And this may have been one of her bridesmaids:

Whoever made that was drunk-driving the sewing machine.

And I guess this is full-on making her queasy. I remember her being so charismatic in Blue Crush, and one year on the plane to Fashion Week I read a whole profile about how designers wanted Kate, Kate, Kate, so very badly. She was their dream get. I don’t see the proof of that in ANY of her clothes, and that’s too bad.

Jennifer Lopez feels way more in control of her destiny, and THIS is where she chooses for it to be:

She is the human embodiment of Just Because You CAN Doesn’t Mean You Should.

I feel like she is going to be in EXACTLY this shape when she’s 50, 60, 70. That bod is forever. And her taste level probably is, too. She is so consistent. Like this, which I eloquently jotted down as Beige Booby Leggy Thing. Or Teeny Pleated Thing, which you might recall from the first World of Dance presser from season two. She looks like her own head cheerleader. Given how outrageous her tastes often run, I’m really bummed out that she got invited to the Rei Kawakubo-themed Met Gala and then totally blew it off in favor of a sedate blue caftan. JENNIFER. You could have gone BONKERS. Where is the love, LOVER?

Speaking of saying HOLA to LOVERS…

Suffice to say Alex Rodriguez has NOT inspired any excellent outfits. The capper, the real apex of all this, is what she wore on her birthday:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BW7sMEEFJD7/?tagged=itsmybirthdaytoday

I repeat, Jennifer: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Archives: Jennifer Lopez, Kate Bosworth

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(8) MANDY MOORE vs. (9) CHLOE SEVIGNY

This is both a pairing I’d never have predicted, and a dinner that’d be potentially awkward. Let’s start with the familiar, chilling territory that is The Sev, whose taste — much like Diane Kruger’s — both always and never disappoints. Jessica headlined this piece, “Chloe Sevigny Wore A Thing To A Party,” and that’s as good a description of that outfit as any. And of course this turban is majestic. Check out THIS eyesore, though:

So green. So misguided. So Chloe.

I hope the only tragic thing that happened with these sleeves was the fact that they were made. She also had one dress that was TEEMING with squished cleavage, and another that came perilously close to crotch exposure. This romper, from other angles, very nearly dropped some under-buttock on the world:

This is no good, either.

Miu Miu did her precious few favors this time around. This dress is HOPELESSLY wrinkled, which I guess is thematic with the crinkly white boots she paired it with, an aesthetic she repeated a bit with this Saint Laurent ensemble:

Potent. Mandy Moore, you’re up, girl. What’cha got?

Hmm. That IS unfortunate. A strong opening salvo. Next?

Yeesh. That’s giving me a headache, much like this one did when I noticed how discordantly the pattern is stitched together. Or this, which was not my favorite outfit to parse. You look great in orange, but that one is odd, and this one is beautiful fabric put together so shapelessly and with an arm wreath.

Mandy, you are SO LOVELY. Why are things like this happening on your body. Although it’s not ALL crazy-busy. Remember that time you wore a peach ruff? Or this solid green off-the-shoulders thing with enormous sleeves? Oh, and this black shirt — why did it need a train, Mandy? And what happened here?

Oh, and while we’re talking, can you explain these pants?

The shoes are SO CUTE. Why is ANY of the rest of it there?

But mostly:

WHYYYYYY.

Archives: Mandy Moore, Chloe Sevigny

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[Photos: Getty, Backgrid, WENN, InstarImages.com, Rex/Shutterstock]