Fug Madness 2018, Round 1: ENTER RIHANNA

A reminder: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from after the Oscars in 2017, all the way through the Oscars that just finished (so, March 2, 2017, to March 5, 2018). Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. The bracket is here, the Fug Madness FAQ is here, and if you missed the first 16 matchups from yesterday, start here with the Cher Bracket and click forward.

LET’S DO THIS.

So who’s in this thing? Good question. PSA: Click on the name of the match-up and you will be taken to it directly. In this round:

(6) Halle Berry v. (11) Poppy Delevingne - (3) Hailee Steinfeld v. (14) Noah Cyrus – (7) Kerry Washington v. (10) Salma Hayek - (2) Rihanna v. (15) Jessica Biel

(6) HALLE BERRY v. (11) POPPY DELEVINGNE

I’ll be blunt: When Halle Berry wasn’t letting it all hang out, she was kinda phoning it in this year. And, look, I get it: She’s gorgeous and body be bangin’ and I feel like when you’re in that kind of life place, you can phone it in and get away with it. Like, this is just a big old pile of whatever — admittedly, she did wear it to Comic-Con, where the men show up in literal pajama pants half the time, so I kind of support it. And this is both ugly AND she looks like she kind of gave up on it when she got to her bottom half. This is REALLY cute, but for dinner with a friend and not necessarily a movie premiere, although I do appreciate that she DGAF about being in that movie. This sort of feels like something she had hanging in the back of her closet and decided she might as well wear it out to the Globes.

And THIS is BONKERS:

YES THOSE ARE PANTS. HALLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (She did pants SO MUCH BETTER at TIFF, too.)

HALLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? is also what I said when I saw this:

It….is bad.

This is also not great, I gotta say:

At least she managed to recycle the tulle?

And before I send you to Halle’s archive, I need to remind you that she once wore what I think might be an actual rug?

It’s like…Clan of the Cave Bear did a fast-fashion tie-in for Kohls.

Over to Poppy, about whose acting skills I was moderately snooty all year. The short version is: she’s Cara’s sister, they’re rich AF and vaguely aristocratic (their grandmother was Princess Margaret’s lady-in-waiting and if it weren’t for the way British titles can only pass through the male line, their father would be a Viscount), and I basically think she’s a rather pretty dilettante. Having said that: She was in the King Arthur movie that Guy Richie did this year, and she was not terrible! She was totally fine! And every time I see her, I think about how expensively groomed she seems to be. But what did she wear?

Well, first off, this was shocking:

This was ALSO not good; at the time I compared it to a sea anemone:

I stand by that assessment.

How do we think Hailee Steinfeld feels about that fact that Poppy basically got the dress she wore to the Vanity Fair Oscars party MONTHS beforehand?

Um, I think you forgot something, Poppy?

Weirdly, though, her press junket for King Arthur was kind of boring. She wore an Ellie Saab gown that was basically a formal loincloth but other than that, took a strange dive into reasonableness. Which is also a mistake, to my view: If you’re a serviceable but not mind-bogglingly great actor who rude fashion bloggers might knee-jerk refer to as a dilettante, that’s EXACTLY when you turn up the fashion so that at least you’re fun! Like this be-feathered look but with 75% more feathers.

You can enjoy Poppy’s archive here. And then….

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(3) HAILEE STEINFELD V. (14) NOAH CYRUS

Hey, we were just talking about Hailee! We might as well look at that dress again. It’s obviously not exactly the same — Hailee is wearing the Goth Fall version, while Poppy was sporting the Floaty Spring look — but it’s SUPER close:

It also feels, to me, WAY overwrought for someone this young, at a party rather than a premiere. I also feel like I’ve spent the last two years bemoaning the fact that Hailee seems to have decided she’d rather be a B-level pop starlet than an A-level actress, so I’m not going to belabor it again, but the point stands as far as I am concerned, and it’s also reflected in her wardrobe.  Sometimes that young pop thing really, really works for her — here, too, at the Grammys, she looked great, and this was right on point — and other times it pushes her off a cliff.

Like what even IS THIS:

Why.

Also WHY:

why

whhhhhhhy.

OH MY GOD WHY.

Hailee’s big (ONLY) movie this year was Pitch Perfect 3 (and I promise I’m not going to even say anything about that), and her press junket looks were, honestly, mixed. I am not sure her stylist knows what story she is supposed to be saying when Hailee takes a movie, to be totally truthful.  Likewise perplexing was this Pretty Woman-inspired get-up, this granny panty-themed ensemble, and, always, this:

???????

If you need more intel, here’s Hailee’s archive.

Noah Cyrus took 87% of your vote to best her sister Miley in this play-in game, and the question now, of course, is if she can take down another more famous young woman. FYI: Noah LOVES oversized sweatshirts as dresses:

Like, a LOT:

She sometimes also just throws everything out the window and full-on wears a sweatsuit. (And she’s also been known to throw the “sweats” part out of the window and just wear, literally, a shirt.) And Noah is gonna be sad when athleisure isn’t a thing anymore, too, because she also LOVES a bra top. Like, SUPER loves it:

Also:

And:

I COULD GO ON. But instead, I’m going to leave you with this.

What else is there to say? Except here’s Noah’s archive, and don’t forget to vote!

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(7) KERRY WASHINGTON v. (10) SALMA HAYEK

Kerry Washington was out a lot this year — more than I remembered — and as befits her number seven seed, sometimes she looked totally great and/or absolutely fine. Like, this is totally reasonable! And this was fully good (other than the shoes)! And this is ridiculous yet great. This would be super if it didn’t have pearls attached to her nipples. Her husband is totally cute. (Just saying.) She wore MANY MANY florals this year. Sometimes they were great and sometimes they were kind of unsophisticated, which she is not. Like, this…could have just been better:

This is underwhelming:

This needed a lining OF COURSE (although her head looks amazing here):

In the Non-Florals Department, let us never forget that she decided to do Flashdance cosplay for the Oscars Vanity Fair party:

Sometimes when we’re writing this stuff, we realize things, and I just realized two things: (a) Kerry loves thigh high boots, secretly, and also I’ve spent the last several months trying to figure out where I’ve seen the red boots that Queen Letizia has been wearing lately. Behold!

That Oscars look sort of entertains me, to be honest. And while we’re being honest, this is FRANKLY INSULTING to her from Gucci:

HOW DARE YOU, GUCCI.  And speaking of Gucci, unsurprisingly, Salma and Kerry were at A LOT of the same events this year. (Here’s Kerry’s archive, in case you need it). It won’t surprise you to hear that Gucci did a lot of terrible things to Salma, as did all of the Gucci group’s assets. Given that lots of people have looked good in Gucci et al, Salma is gorgeous, and her husband owns the company, you’d…think she would look better. I don’t even know at this point.  Like…what was that thought behind this? And none of us have forgotten how Over The Top her Oscars gown was. And then, like Maude, there’s this:

That ALONE could have — and kind of did — landed her in Fug Madness. But there was also this little number:

And this unforgettable moment:

She sort of looks like an antique chair. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world but maybe not exactly her game plan. Part of the issue, I think, is that she is prone to plucking out the MOST 80s numbers Gucci has to offer:

Okay, this one was great. And this was decent. And I love her for this. Regardless: JUSTICE FOR SALMA’S WARDROBE.

(You can see the rest of it her archive, of course.)

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(2) RIHANNA v. (15) JESSICA BIEL

I feel like even Jessica Biel is like, “um, I am not worthy to be in this game with Rihanna!!!” And that might be fair? But let’s discuss anyway. You guys, Rihanna had an amazing year — your definition of “amazing” might vary. But her Met Gala look was FANTASTIC. She spent a LOT of her time wandering around in huge poofy things. I loved this pink Giambattista Valli, but it is objectively insane. This was Poofy But A Mini (in both, nay ALL of these, her head looks fantastic). This red number from that Valarian press tour is ALL SKIRT.  And this is just…a huge shirt?

This is…a formal anorak?

This is a GIANT suit which makes me long for her to cover the Talking Heads:

This is perhaps two blazers stapled together?

Also, she’s wearing plastic bags over her heels? Actually, we’ve had a lot of rain lately and I could have used these.

Looking for your jeans? Well, Riri is wearing ALL THE DENIM IN THE WORLD.

This next look is representative of a LOT of what she wore last year….

….except for the time she wore a spangly bra-top and formal bedroom slippers to stand next to Cara Delevingne and grin like the cat that ate the canary.

I love her. And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. We’ve also got a denim duster worn as a shirt, potential argyle sock/shoes, this look that I originally thought were CULOTTES FROM HELL, and…okay, this one just makes me laugh because I love that she took her insane OdlR boots off in favor of flip-flops.  Sensible! In closing, I’d also like to thank Rihanna for Fenty Beauty, because it’s my current favorite foundation. Get lost in Rihanna’s archive.

Our other contestant has been through a lot this year, in the form of having to manage her husband’s ego. She also did professionally fairly well, thanks to her project The Sinner, which I didn’t watch but which I hear was pretty good. She promoted it looking kinda great sometimes?  Her Globes look was…fine.  This Ralph & Russo was good from the front but a bit of a mess from the back. And then this was traumatizing:

INTERNAL SCREAMING.

This was overworked, ultimately:

And this outfit is totally fine but is a good reminder that as early as the beginning of 2017, she was still doing those bangs, which have never done her any favors and which perplex me because she is SO GOOD-LOOKING that you’d think the bangs wouldn’t make much of an impact?

Here’s Jessica Biel’s archive, if you need it.

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