“HOLA LOVERS. Pull up a muffin and listen to your goddess, okay? I do not want to hear anything about the costume rules. Because that is where what you know ends, and what I know becomes infinity. Think of it: Comme des Garçons. Garçons… garçon… waiter… martini, cocktail party, cigarettes in long holders and ten feet of hair and caftans the color of the swimming pool, Don Draper in the corner giving me the eyes that say, ‘My tango is horizontal,’ and POOF: Here we are. A glamorous hostess from 1966, who does not need a man even though she has one anyway who eats up her every word but whatever he is just there at my pleasure. Oh, and he is there:

So you see, The Lopez does not need your themes. The Lopez makes her own. I am the theme, and the theme is me. Which, by the way, it will be. Someday. Mark your calendars for ‘Life, Love, and Lopez: Perfection and the Dao of Jenny,’ where everyone will try this and no one will succeed and the laughter will seep from my every pore.”

[Photos: Getty]