Well Played, Rihanna


well-played

Sometimes I forget how PRETTY Rihanna is:

She looks like a Disney Princess. Especially when she’s not wearing a chain-mail loincloth. Her dress sort of looks like she’s taken Maleficent’s headdress, dyed it pink, and strapped it to her boobs, and she STILL looks like she could burst out with, “Little town, it’s a quiet village/ every day like the one before./ Little town, full of little people/waking up to saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay BONJOUR!” (Yes, I did DVR Beauty and the Beast when it was on ABC Family the other week. That movie is REALLY GOOD. A) I am partial to movies wherein the heroine loves a library ladder as much as I do, and B) Jerry Orbach AND Angela Lansbury, and C) sometimes I just start singing “Gaston” to myself in the shower and I am pretty sure it’s the perfect song.) On the other hand, stripping Maleficent is ESSENTIALLY what happens to Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty on, like, a metaphorical level. Also, I just got sucked into a Wikipedia wormhole reading about Maleficent (my favorite, obviously, and certainly the scariest of the Disney villains, I think) and have no idea who I was even talking about.

Ah, yes! Rihanna. So pretty. As is the dress:

Yes, it’s the girliest thing that ever happened and the hemline is kind of bizarre, but I think it’s extremely refreshing to see her take her inner Zooey Deschanel out for a walk. Let her out more often, RiRi — this suits you.

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Comments (85):

  1. laura
    0

    she really IS pretty, just has HORRIBLE taste in clothes and either the worst stylist ever or is in desperate need of one…

  2. Christian
    0

    Her makeup is kind of weird and the shoes are a snooze, but the color is great on her, and it’s a major step up from the ratty early 90′s shit she usually wears. And I have to say I’m sick of talon nails!

    • Alle C. Hall
      0

      No no no! THe talon nails are the perfect offset to the overly poofy, overly pink dress. I hate the color, but love the design; especially the asym. bubble skirts. Is the first bubble skirt I have ever thought attractive.

      Yes, talons are very, very trying. In conjunction with the dress – and fact that it is R. sporting both – I wonder, is the whole thing is joke that manages to still be an attractive outfit?. Are the nails poking fun at the dress (yikes; unintended bad pun), is the dress on the vice-versa committee? Oris it all an exercise of R. gong meta-narrative on herself?

  3. Chasmosaur
    0

    Damn. Now I need to dig up my Beauty and the Beast DVD…

  4. Jane
    0

    It just so happens that Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie on this earth, and I frequently and totally accidentally just bust out with a “Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston, looking so down in the dumps” much to the alarm of the people around me. It’s a perfect movie. And I think RiRi’s hair and makeup are splendid.

  5. Chasmosaur
    0

    Oh, it should be noted – she attended this event with her mother.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2134840/Rihanna-cringes-mothers-joke-Ashton-Kutcher-Time-100-gala.html

    You think her mother was going to let her out of the house in a chain mail loincloth? ;)

  6. Jasmine
    0

    I was just nerding around on the internet and came across the bottom photo, and my first thought was “Oh, well PLAYED Rhi!”
    You ladies are rubbing off on me. And she totally does look like a Disney princess.

  7. em
    0

    Everything is dandy but sweet jeebus those nails are atrocious! How do you pick anything up with those suckers?!

    Amen to Beauty in the Beast. Of course now I am going to be walking around the halls of my office singing the amazeball songs from it.

  8. Annie
    0

    Yikes, I cannot get behind this dress at all. It’s disney princess meets acid flashback to the 80′s prom or something.

  9. Stefanie
    0

    Im here mostly for Maleficent.

    And a little bit for Beauty and Beast because I watch it every time it comes on.

    And I guess a little bit for Rihanna because she does look good. But she usually does look good when shes not dressed all cracked out.

  10. LadyRoberts
    0

    While I do love this look on her, that lipstick is not okay with that dress. Am I right?

    • Ella
      0

      You are totally right, although I think the nail color is even more egregious. Also: is her hem coming undone in the front?

  11. Eliza Bennett
    0

    Boob cones are not as tasty as snow cones. the end.

  12. lisas
    0

    I prefer her hair black and edgy, so 50% there on that, and otherwise, I love it! I’m biased though. I love her as well as finding her super pretty, so I’m constantly forgiving the unforgivable.

    I also hate the talons, but having whined about them once this morning already I should probably shut up.

  13. Tony
    0

    Inspired choice, Rihanna!

    Speaking of inspired choices, Angelina Jolie as Maleficent in a movie about her back story is an inspired choice. Check out this promo pic:

    http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25000000/Maleficent-Mistress-of-All-Evil-disney-princess-25002075-1024-768.jpg

  14. Clarence Beeks
    0

    Sometimes I think she is beautiful, sometimes I don’t think she is pretty at all. I go so back and forth about her looks.

    Maybe it is the fact that i just cannot stand her?

  15. AM
    0

    The dark hair, which I assume is her natural color, is BY FAR, the most flattering for her. See also, Beyonce. The color of the dress is really pretty on her. I don’t love the style, but compared to her usual stuff, thumbs way up!

    • Jessica
      0

      I know, I hate it when Beyonce goes too blonde. She looks so gorgeous with darker hard.

      • yeahandalso
        0

        I like Rhianna with this super dark color, but I like Beyonce with brown (not blond) sort of the hair color from Crazy in Love video

  16. Kathleen
    0

    She actually could be one of the color-coordinated mademoiselles who swoons over Gaston, no? She just needs a girlfriend in a yellow version of this dress and another in green.

  17. Morgan R.
    0

    Beauty and the Beast is also my favorite Disney movie, and Maleficent is also my favorite villain. Here, Rihanna kind of looks like Maleficent in her younger days, like, before the cowl and the crow familiars and stuff. I cannot help but approve of that look.

  18. lesli
    0

    Right on, Maleficent is also my favorite villain and I think the scariest.

    • yeahandalso
      0

      Angelina Jolie signed on to star in a movie about Maleficent…I think that is PERFECT casting

  19. lesli
    0

    Oh yeah, Rihanna does look much prettier than usual but that dress is a horrible bridesmaid-prom mess.

    • anonymoose
      0

      ^.

      an ill-fitting “horrible bridesmaid-prom mess” at that.

      talons and tatts as accessories are not helping, either.

      in all, still a measurable improvement from what she usually puts out.

      from the neck up it looks like she’s trying on her Marie Osmond costume, which is a jarring mash-up for sure.

      • anny
        0

        ^^.

        If she’d gone with the dyed-to-match shoes would that have pushed it into “ironic”?

  20. SharonCville
    0

    I think the black shoes and nails are a nice touch– it keeps this outfit from becoming too bridesmaid or prom. Yes, the nails should be 1/2 an inch shorter, but The Mail has a better angle on the shoes and they are not just boring pumps– they have bling on the heels and it looks like maybe some piping? Quite nice! I didn’t mind the blonde hair, but the dark is very nice, very glam!

  21. berryberrykix
    0

    In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston. He’s especially good at expectorating.

    • Jane
      0

      When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I’m roughly the size of a barge.

      note: singing Disney songs in your head is the best way to not get any work done/drastically improve your mood.

      • Softwear
        0

        Expectorating Gaston is the only good thing Disney’s cartoons have ever done.

  22. alter_ego
    0

    I’ll give you good hair & color, but I must say no to the boob twists & the bad hem job in front.

  23. Eve
    0

    Rihanna is one of the few people who can pull off a really short pixie cut, and since most of us cannot, I think it is her duty to wear it. She looks fine with longer hair, but not exceptional. So why bother? See also: Janine Turner in the 90s.

    And I’m trying to picture this dress with a sweetheart or other “normal” neckline, and I feel like in that case, we’d all be saying, “RiRi, honey, are you feeling OK?”

    Boob cones in context, is what I am saying.

  24. Adriele
    0

    I too forget that Rihanna is cute. It must be the fact that every news story I see of her lately is related to:

    1. Smoking Pot
    2. Getting a tattoo
    3. Flipping the camera off
    4. Wearing some crazy ass monstrosity of an outfit that is lacking coverage in vital bodily areas.

    I LOOOOOVE the Bell song. I sing that in the shower quite frequently. I’m sure my husband must know the lyrics by now, by default. :) Best. Disney. Movie. Ever.

  25. Mariela
    0

    Wow, she IS pretty here.

    Not ashamed to admit that “Be our Guest” made the cut for the latest driving CD (old car, no iPod connect). It is a bit jarring to play “The Bitch Song” and then segue into Jerry Orbach singing about dishes, but it works for all of us in the car!

  26. Wordphreak
    0

    that is one ugly prom dress. What the hell is going on with the boobs? And the skirt shape and funky hem can’t be flattering on any body. It even made the runway model look weird.

  27. dreamweave
    0

    Oh Fug Girls, now I feel like I never really knew you at all! I saw this on another site earlier and could not WAIT for the metaphorical delights that pink floppy cone-boobs and a mess of a hem would be unleashed by you. Yet I see nothing but praise! SOB. I’m so confused!

  28. Lynn Baber
    0

    I was reading this FUG about Rihanna, and I started to think I wrote it myself. I mean, you thing EXACTLY the way I do. Maleficent’s (the best Disney villain) headdress is EXACTLY what this dress looks like. I can’t wait to meet you someday. We will be good friends. I love your blog. You are fabulous.

  29. Shiitake
    0

    The Marchesa is a huge improvement over the “In Living Color” Fly Girl rigs she’s been sporting..

  30. Lynn Baber
    0

    typo: think not thing.

  31. Leah
    0

    Anyone else sorely disappointed when the beast turned into a big mimbo with a blonde ponytail? I’d rather have the fluffy beast husband.

    • eee
      0

      Yeah, the Beast’s transformation was the biggest letdown. When I watch it now I always make Tyra’s “wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” noise when he turns around for the first time.

      • Jill
        0

        I HAVE FELT THIS FOR YEARS. I’ve totally been wah-waaaaaah-ing in my head! I’m always like… change back into a beast, please. I like it when you’re big and growly and beastly.

        Also: what does she call him, post transformation? Because she calls him “Beast” before. But, like, that can’t have been his birth name (unless he has psychic/very mean parents). Seriously, this is the kind of thing i think about on Wednesdays.

      • eee
        0

        Jill, from the many, many different versions of the fairy tale that I’ve read, Beauty often ends up naming the Beast herself once he’s turned back into a human. Many stories play the angle that he’s been a beast for so long that he’s forgotten his own name and gives her the honor of renaming him. This doesn’t answer the question of what Belle calls him in the Disney version, though. Perhaps she just calls him “Wah-waaaaaaaaaah.” ;P

  32. Bella
    0

    IMO, she’s mostly a mess. But that could be because I really don’t like her. Or it could be because she really is mostly a mess.

  33. ak
    0

    Yes, yes, Rihanna is pretty, but can we talk about how weirdly and darkly BEAUTIFUL Maleficent is? I thought so even as a little kid. And it somehow makes her so much more fearsome.

  34. Gigi
    0

    Maleficent is THE greatest Disney villain ever. Shiver!

  35. maryanne
    0

    Traffic Cone Breasts! I can’t
    ..also the hemline makes me want to run up with my fiskars and chop!
    …..and yes the black nail spikes are horrific..but very Maleficent!
    A Beauty/Witch combo?

  36. Angela Brown
    0

    I watched Beauty and the Beast with my daughter for the first time recently and was blown away again by how awesome it is! I hadn’t seen it since it first came out, and this time, I caught a lot more of the nuances. The songs are amazeballs, seriously, the best of all the Disney movies. And I LOVE that the princess angle is turned 180 degrees, that she doesn’t care about meeting a prince, loves books, and in the end, she rescues HIM and saves him with HER kiss, instead of the other way around! I’m glad my daughter picked Belle to be her favorite princess and not that twit, Ariel.

  37. moi
    0

    Rihanna almost always has a beautiful face…but not here. Not in that get-up. She’s not looking cracked out for a change but she ain’t right, either. Ugh.

  38. Ann
    0

    This dress is a schlubby terrible fit. Is the hem supposed to look like that? It’s half-bubble hem and half regular hem. Why don’t Maleficent’s horns fit her boobs properly? The one one the right is breaking a break for it. It needs to be yanked up. And it weirdly poufs out at the waist, like there’s a secret fanny pack under there (not a terrible idea). I applaud the change of pace, but this is like “Courtney Love interprets Cinderella while drunk.”

  39. narshkite
    0

    Seriously? This dress is awful! I wore a dress that was very close to identical (just remove the wings on the sideboobs) as a bridesmaid in 1987. I had dyed to match shoes from Baker’s and fake pearls. Who says I don’t know how to style? Anyway…I looked like a fuschia liberty bell and so does she. Neck up though, she is undeniably gorgeous.

    • ivana
      0

      Holy schnikes!! That is EXACTLY what that dress made me think of: a godawful bridesmaid dress in that identical color I had to wear. Just add a giant bow on BOTH shoulders AND on the BUTT! I am not even kidding. And I totally had the dyed shoes from Bakers, too!! But I think it was more like 1992. Oh, and rhinestone jewelry. Giant rhinestone jewelry. Rhianna’s dress is just as ghastly with the deflated cone boobs, though…

  40. Ann
    0

    I use antlers in all of my deeeeeecorating!

  41. ashley
    0

    I have nothing to say about the dress but want to add that Maleficent is indeed the most terrifying Disney villain. I had the read-along book and record and I can remember always sitting in the bed with my feet WAY up off the ground so she couldn’t get me during the part when she turns into the dragon!

    Also, Jerry Orbach! I miss, Lenny!

  42. vandalfan
    0

    Neither croissants or pastry bags should be bodices, and the dropped waist plus low-slung top and long hem make me think “What are the Fug Gals drinking today?”

    The stage version of Beauty and the Beast was delightful- the candelabra snapped his fingers and little flames appeared. Real flames.

  43. Hel
    0

    This dress is better than being half-naked but it is still bad.

  44. Wade
    0

    Is this pic horizontally flipped or is that tattoo (fake or real) actually mirrored like that?

  45. Mavis
    0

    +1 on Rhianna Is Pretty and This Is Relatively Okay and I Heart “Beauty and the Beast” and The Song About Gaston Is The Best Ever.

    HOWEVER: After the jump, my first thought was, “Jacquee?” So after reading through the comments thus far, i can’t believe no one has made a “227″ or “Sister Sister” joke.

    • ivana
      0

      OMG! I love Jacquee! “Maaaaaaaary!”
      There’s no place like home, With your family around you, you’re never alone…

  46. ChristieLea
    0

    “Lefou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking”
    “A dangerous pastime”
    “I know”

  47. ChristieLea
    0

    Also: I must add that I love that this post has turned into a geeked-out Disney love-in/singalong.

  48. Jenna
    0

    You’re right, Gaston is the perfect song. A very stylish, soignee friend and I discovered a mutual love of it in Paris once, and walked around the Tuileries singing it at the top of our lungs like idiots. Good times.

  49. Kara K
    0

    She looks so pretty! Oh, please wear this all the time, Ri-Ri.

  50. Liane
    0

    “Gaston” is indeed the perfect song. It makes me so happy and at the same time so sad that Howard Ashman is no longer with us. His lyrics were clever and funny and could break your heart all at the same time. (See also: Little Shop of Horrors….seriously…see it now). I treasure him.

  51. The Fugger
    0

    This is a fab in comparison to the ear-piercing shorts. It’s still a “feh” because the bodice and the hem are so wonky-looking, at least to me.

    I hope if RiRi takes her inner Zooey out, our favorite cross-stitched slang phrase won’t take her inner Rihanna out. Accessorizing with bondage gear and a boorish woman-beater has NEVER been in style. (And no, I have not forgiven Chris Brown for that, nor do I ever see myself forgiving him.)

  52. Beka
    0

    I’ve seen a picture of this on the catwalk and that hemline looks like it’s actually come undone a little right at the centre top. You can see the crease where it’s supposed to end.

  53. Erin
    0

    I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you would call this dress Well-Played. This outfit is a monstrosity! This should be considered Rihanna’s first offering for next year’s Fug Madness.

  54. shanadana
    +1

    I JUST had the same conversation (well, me talking, someone else listening) about the awesomeness of Jerry Orbach and Angela Landsbury in Beauty and the Beast!
    “Ah Cogsworth, have a heart!” Perfect

    Oh yeah, Rhianna looks pretty in that colour, but the shoes…huh?

  55. Jo
    0

    Much prettier with longer less nutsy hair but the dress is fug!