Unfug It Up: Zoe Saldana


unfug-it-up

Well, there’s no arguing with Zoe’s face.

She’s very pretty. So pretty, in fact, that she elevates almost anything she wears. I say almost, because frequently I am very tempted to love her outfits even when they look — as this does — like a half-cocked bartender is mixing up a shot he calls the Krystle Carrington Streep. And just I was getting ready to climb on board with this, figuring it was a very modern-looking take on a potentially stuffy silhouette, I thought, “Well, but let’s at least look at the front.” Note to self: Always look.

And suddenly her crotch has become Nicodemus from The Secret of NIMH. Even Mrs. Brisby is thinking, “Yeah, he was venerable and all, but his face is not an outfit.”

How would you fix it? Aside from giving it a shave. OR WOULD YOU? (I would.) (I suspect Nicodemus would too.) (Because he is probably ALSO thinking, “Yeah, I’m venerable and all, but my face is not an outfit.”)

[Photos: WENN.com]

 

 

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Comments (74):

  1. Sarah
    0

    I read that this dress is really a mini that she added fabric to in order to make it “more formal”. Well that was a fail. Dress would be MUCH better without the semi-train.

  2. Willow
    0

    It’s really pretty from the back, so regal and elegant but then she turns around and suddenly her crotch is a stage.

  3. Farah
    0

    You made me spurt out tomato soup across the room. Nicodemus! Solid gold…

  4. Billie
    0

    Wow, from the side I thought ‘This totally could’ve been one of Kim Kardashian’s wedding costume changes’. From the front however, she has got to lose the drapes and the white fuzzy frown across her crotch … and bring it down a few inches.

  5. Sami
    0

    I would make the ENTIRE gown floor length, but not weirdly accentuating her crotch like it is now. The gold pattern should be the whole dress, so her hair would have to be up in some sort of twisty-Victorian thing.

    Jeez, Zoe.

  6. Leone
    0

    Nicodemus…BAHAHAHAHAHA! Exactly! Yes, yes shave the thing off cuz his face should NEVER be an outfit. Fantastic post Heather. Kudos!

  7. Geemee
    0

    Looks like her butt sneezed a veil. Get rid of the flowy and make it three inches longer and we’re good.

  8. Julia
    0

    Either:

    a.) Take that excess fabric back off the dress – in which case it is less formal, which might be just fine for a hip movie premiere.

    or

    b.) Wrap the fabric all the way around – in which case it is more formal, flowy, and very pretty. Although I have to admit, from the back, my first thought was that the dress looked like the offspring of C-3PO and Princess Leia (version “A New Hope”)… Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing.

  9. Anne B
    0

    I’d take about three feet off that train, put the giant headdress back on her, and send her out on stage with the rest of the showgirls for the 10 p.m. floor show at Caesars.

  10. annabeth
    0

    I’m with Julia. This would work either as a mini (as designed) or with a full white skirt (as only partly completed.) I prefer the mini — it’s kind of crazypants, but in a glamorous way that Zoe Saldana can carry off. The weirdness of the white stuff drags it down.

  11. Breda
    0

    I think it would be equally awesome as a plain mini or as a full-length gown, but the attempt to make it both sucks all the awesome out of it.

  12. Carol
    0

    Full white skirt ALL the way around the hips … delete sleeves and make it a halter … now, we’re talkin’

  13. Lisa K
    0

    That is a turn around FUG!

  14. Jasmine
    0

    MY EYES MY EYES.

    Oh man, that dress would be so pretty if the white skirt was taken off and it was two or three inches longer. Then it’s a super hot cocktail dress. Now it’s a terror.

  15. cycler
    0

    It looks so much like she accidentally stepped on the front part of the skirt climbing up the stairs, and either tore out the front part completely off, or cut the torn part off using fingernail scissors.

    the top part is pretty cool, although I’d vote for making it 3″ longer- it’s hitting her amazing legs at a point that somehow manages to make them look thick, which is really a crime.

  16. Jasmine
    0

    I totally am for making the whole thing floor length, and maybe the front a boatneck instead of a deep V– but I’d need to see the two in comparison to be sure.

    Pretty sure I choked on my water when I saw the front…. COME ON, ZOE. YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT.

  17. PeggyO
    0

    Crotch curtains. No. As they say in Oklahoma (the musical, not the state) “All or nuttin””

  18. Stefanie
    0

    After I clicked the cut and the picture loaded I said “Whoa” out loud enough my coworker asked what was up.

    I’m with Anne B. The top of this dress belongs in Vegas. The bottom belongs in the scrap bin at Mood.

  19. A.J.
    0

    It’s so pretty from the back – why didn’t they keep that going?

  20. Neil
    0

    Close the curtain on the stage and zip it up a few inches…..simple.

    Awesome commentary, as usual. The buildup to the money shot was perfection.

  21. Chasmosaur
    0

    Sorry. I can’t think how to change this because you just ruined my childhood… ;)

  22. Jennifer
    0

    Lower the hem and lose the curtain.

  23. Chasmosaur
    0

    Actually, I do know how to fix this: Send it onto Beyoncé, with whom it would feel right at home.

  24. Kristen from MA
    0

    I have no words for this.

  25. G
    0

    Take it off and burn it. She’s managed to wear something that is not only completely ridiculous but also extremely unflattering to her chest and legs.

  26. Kristan
    0

    I’m with the folks who want the fabric to just continue all the way around. I love all the detailing, and I think this is so close. She’s beautiful enough to pull it off, but it could be better.

  27. jess
    0

    How would I fix it?
    First of all, tear off this dress. TEAR it off.
    Then put on a different one.

  28. Kim
    0

    I liked the back, and then Whoa! That actually made me sit back in my chair, eyes widened in disbelief! Hilariously bad.

  29. Marie
    0

    Ha! But it’s Frisby… Mrs. Frisby.

  30. Autumn Van Weir
    0

    Holy WOW. I was thinking “Um, I really like this dress! the white and gold is so elegant!” but you had me. I will now live by your “always look at the front” rule…

  31. K
    0

    I just want Michael Vartan to be happy. So I’m going to root for this to root for the movie to get him a job.

  32. TonyG
    0

    I think Michael Jackson would have worn this if he had ever done full on drag.

  33. Lizzie
    0

    Get rid of the ass cape.

  34. allytartcheck
    0

    Thank you, Lisa K! You named the beast.

  35. A.J.
    0

    @Marie – It’s Frisby in the books, Brisby in the movie. For whatever reason.

  36. Laura JH
    0

    Just throw it out and start over.

  37. Katherine
    0

    Seriously!? No one is seeing an Elvis jumpsuit in this hot mess?

  38. CJ
    0

    Whoa. I might have been on board ….until the scroll down. That is truly fug. I was expecting a bateau neck (not a Toller Cranston slit down to the navel) and I was expecting that the front would look like the back with the beadwork down to the hip and a full skirt all the way around. Very Crystal Carrington, but she is so gorgeous she could have pulled it off. Even gorgeous Zoe can’t pull of this. And it looks like she wore black high heel gladiators with it. Uh, the horror.

  39. Jamee
    0

    Take the white thingy off and make the dress a couple inches longer and I’d love it. But is she wearing black gladiator sandal? Ugh, just…no. The dress is too Roman Empire-y for that. Throw on a metallic strappy sandal and I’d love it. Can’t deny the face, though. THE FACE!

  40. Aria
    0

    @Jamee — I totally agree with you!

  41. Kate
    0

    My monitor was very nearly covered in Chick-Fil-A Sweet Tea. NICODEMUS.

  42. Emilee
    0

    I literally gasped when I saw the pic after the jump. And it looks EXACTLY like Nicodemus from the Secret of Nihm.

  43. Julie
    0

    Heather: Woo on the Secret of NIMH reference. Can’t wait to introduce my kids to my favorite childhood movie.

  44. vandalfan
    0

    If it was a complete formal I’d love it. If it was a complete mini-dress, I’d love it. Either way.

  45. stupidisas
    0

    too bad about the alteration. zoe is gorgeous and can pull off anything, but the dress would have been sooo much better just a bit longer mini, without the white drapery.

    phenomenal hair and makeup, though.

  46. What's The New Black
    0

    But I just love the dress (The DRESS that is – without the white train) so much that I can’t hate this.

    http://whatisthenewblack.blogspot.com/

  47. Mongerel
    0

    The back is splendid. The front is competition-worthy vomitous.

  48. Claire L
    0

    It looks like her entire torso is an advertisement for some new movie involving gold robot aliens…..
    As for the rest, why not add a curtain pull and call it a day….

  49. Claire L
    0

    Oh.. unfugging it… I might get on bored of it weren’t a dress at all and it was turned into a top with some good slacks and a killer pair of heels…. and maybe on someone at least 20 years older.

  50. vpc
    0

    If the gold patterned top were about 3″ shorter and a stylish jacket, over that white floor-length skirt ALL THE WAY AROUND, I would love it.

    Similarly, if the gold patterned top were about 3″ longer and a mini in its own right, I would love it.

    As is? She’s better than that.

  51. Jacquilynne
    0

    More white floaty skirt or less — it needs either be there or not.

  52. Cecily
    0

    The front is shocking and hideous. Gold floaty knee length skirt, lose the white thing (someone said ass cape, hilarious).

  53. danders
    0

    not only do I love what you gals right on a regular basis, but the fact that you used The Secret of NIMH as a descriptor almost made me lose bodily function in a convulsion of love.
    Ladies, keep it up

  54. danders
    0

    omg mortification….I meant write :)

  55. Melissa
    0

    It’s very silly n’all, but I actually prefer this from the front. The skirt/fringe thingie should probably go, but I much prefer that gold Star Trek thingie as a quasi-minidress than a bodice.

  56. buttercup
    0

    If your dress can be described as a “Mullet”, chances are, you probably shouldn’t wear it.

  57. crystal
    0

    All of the white gone, and an inch or two longer. Or extend the skirt all the way around. Either way, it works better on Beyonce than Zoe.

  58. Marie Whitten Douce
    0

    I like it. I think it would be better if the gold part blended more smoothly into the white (like it does in the back), and didn’t have the little strip of white there in the front. I like the hi-lo hemline look, though. I like the patterns in the gold part of the dress, and I like the gold and white together. It’s not perfect, but it sure does look great on her.

  59. Jules
    0

    Make the skirt of the dress and the top part go all the way around.

  60. Veronica
    0

    This one is easy – continue the train all the way around or just cut it off completely. It has a brash elegance about it that deserves better.

  61. lc
    0

    Holy crap, what a scroll down! While normally I wouldn’t like the metallic section of the dress, you have to admire it’s flawless fit and it’s bright beauty. I’d tear off all the white chiffonery and attach a straight white mini skirt. Not as formal, but less over the top.

  62. NYCGirl
    0

    I think I’d just start from scratch. The bodice is too embellished and stiff-looking.

  63. Sajorina
    0

    I love the fabric of the mini dress, so get rid off all the yardage of white fabric and leave it as a mimi dress! OMG, this could’ve been an AWESOME outfit, but all the extra fabric and the shoes ruin it for me!

  64. Bilbo
    0

    The micromini trend has been going on so long I can’t even remember how it started. Slowly, my tolerance for many things evolves. Hoof heels? Sometimes I find them cute. Wedges? I have seen non-offensive versions. I also just defended a jumpsuit.

    However micro minis make my skin crawl, still. Everything about them is bad. They turn the most elegant and poised into streetwalker wannabes. I can imagine them riding up while I walk, I can imagine having trouble finding a proper way to sit (IMPOSSIBLE!) and I know they’re showing their panties or worse to anybody who happens to see them slightly from below. AWFUL.

    Ladies, if your dress is this short, it’s not just too short, its way way way past any sort of help too short.

  65. mara
    0

    This would have been awesome if the white fabric had just completed the circuit. It’s the crotch framing that ruins this completely. I almost take offense at the lost potential.

  66. Siouxi
    0

    This is just wrong in so many ways.

    Option A. Take off the white skirt entirely and make the mini dress a touch longer. Still looks like a matador went on a bender with a Las Vegas bedazzeler.

    Option B. Complete the white skirt all the way around, cut off the sleeves and replace the neckline plunge making the top a simple corset with a drop waist. Very formal but the crazy matador shoulders are gone and bedazzled mishap minimized.

    Option C. Ship this monstrosity to Beyonce where she will take one look and say, “too much.” Imagine that. Too much for Beyonce.

    Step away from the binge drinking, bedazzling matador. Step. Away.

  67. dee
    0

    Wow, just had to say – loved that movie and would so like to see it again :)
    Thanks for the reference…will have to go find it on the Interwebs.

  68. Lizzie T
    0

    I guess I’m the only one who thinks Zoe is totally pulling this off. I would HATE this on JLo or pretty much anyone else, but I think Zoe is wearing this well. The dress on its own is ridiculous, obvs.

    I have to say that I think the skirt going all the way around would look like something my grandmother wore on a cruise in 1992 (you know, sans the navel-deep neckline).

  69. Meeks
    0

    NICODEMUS. You make me so happy, I can’t even handle it. PS? Watched that movie for the first time in years last weekend…that is some scary sheez for a kid. Amazed I loved it so much when I’m such a pansy!
    Anyway. Nicodemus = GENIUS. Thank you.

  70. Becky
    0

    “O my gosh, I stood too close to the Samovar at tea with the Rockettes and the front of my dress evaporated!!

  71. EyreApparent
    0

    Dear God….

  72. vivelafat
    0

    I say complete the skirt, bring it up to just below the where the neckline ends and add a killer completely unadorned leather belt.

  73. EvilDictatorofTaste
    0

    I HATE the mullet dress!!!!! That being said, it would have made a cute mini.

  74. Caatness
    0

    I like the pattern and detailing in theory, but it’s all a bit much and looks too stiff. It fights with the flowiness of the drapery moustache at the bottom. Go sleeveless, along that cool diagonal line at the shoulder, make it maybe three inches longer for some real sartorial punch and elegance instead of typical starlet gynocological funtimes, and ditch the moustache altogether. Also, ‘no’ on those shoes, from what I can see. Something ridiculously spindly and gold and expensive and delicate with simple lines to reinforce the fussiness of the pattern in a good way.