Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: A GFY Post Fugtrospective


In honor of Tom and Kate’s contract finally expiring, and her deciding not to renew, a look back at the craziest shit those two put us through (all of these are old GFY posts, not random internet hoo-ha). I had A LOT of thoughts about Tom’s hair:

This hair was terrible. (His)

This hair was ALSO terrible. (His again)

– This hair was better but remember when they were friends with Posh and Becks and Posh was BLONDE? HER hair is terrible.

– But THIS hair is adorable. (Hers)

– Remember when he made her ride his motorcycle everywhere?

- Remember when Posh wore ALL this CRAZY STUFF to their wedding??

– Remember when she was pregnant for LIKE EVER OMG WTF? (I love this one but it also makes me a little sad because Heath Ledger is alive in it. The last several years have been weird, y’all.)

– Remember when he used to PRESENT her like a doll at things?

– Remember when she used to photobomb Posh and Armani?

– Remember when Chris Klein tried to turn Ginnifer Goodwin INTO her?

– Remember when he dragged her around by the hand and they wore literally matching suits?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT THESE TWO? And, more importantly: who’s her rebound going to be, and which starlet will he marry next?

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Comments (84):

  1. ES

    That post about her being pregnant forever will always be one of my favorite, most memorable GFY posts ever. That and the horrible slutty prom dress post.

  2. Jules

    I wonder if the contract had a time limit on the non-disclosure, or if it will be up to Suri to Reveal All?

    • Jessica

      My guess is there is an NDA and it doesn’t expire until his death (which I hope is a long time coming, of course).

      • Jules

        And may she outlive him if there is! I do hope she was happy at least some of the time, and that she & her daughter have a beautiful Scientology-free life ahead of them.

  3. Cath

    Okay, I’m just sitting here staring at the matching suit photo – with my mouth hanging wide open…What IS that even???!!! Tom’s blazer over those jeans. My poor eyes!

    Katie, I’m so glad you came to your senses! Operation Free Katie has been succesful

    Happy Birthday to Tom, ey? (he turns 50 coming Tuesday)

  4. alexis

    Way to go, Joey! My cousin lives in NYC and ran into Katie and Suri playing in the gym in her building. She said apparently Katie is renting a place there for a few months. Tom Cruise nowhere in sight.
    Obviously now she and Josh Jackson can fulfill their densities and get married, as it always should have been. OBVIOUSLY.

  5. Megan

    Oh God, I hope it’s Joshua Jackson for her!

  6. Lina

    I guess we should start watching Craigslist for Starlet Wanted ads again. Or maybe Tom will change strategies. What really cracks me up is that this is a surprise to anyone. They haven’t resided in the same timezone for at least two years now.

    • Anne B

      (Anne B puts on her serial-spouse-profiler hat)

      If Tom follows his recent pattern, The (future) Fourth Mrs. Cruise is an actress between 20 and 28, currently working on television — probably on The CW.

      All female cast members of Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries, or 90210 are warned to remain alert and take note of their surroundings. Should the serial spouse strike again, signs will include: the starlet suddenly abandoning her normal social routine, investing in tons of demure clothing, and appearing in or around the Celebrity Centre on Franklin in Hollywood.

      Personally? My money’s on Taylor Momsen.

      • Anna

        Cruise Lively 2012!

        • Aj

          Well … he is due for a blonde and she has the requisite starlet credentials. But … is it wrong of me to hope that Kim K. sees this as an opportunity?

        • Katty McNiley Ripley

          Taylor Momsen & Cruise would be a crazy-trainwreck-awesomeness!! And their nickname would be something like TayTom or TomLor!

          But Tom Cruise and “DrunkFace” McCord is THE wacky couple that I want to see!

      • Cynthber

        I am throwing money down on the bet that he will have a brief affair with Zhang Ziyi (details to be negotiated between CoS and the Chinese Communist Party) to coincide with the awards season carried through next summer’s blockbusters, after which she will make a semi-popular American rom-com. Then in about 18-24 months he will audition Shenae Grimes, Leighton Meester and Jessica Chastain, but will ultimately take Blake Lively on a tour of China, at the end of which he will bring out the new contract.

  7. Adriana

    Jennifer and Haley are free to make a comeback any time they want. Also, thanks for reminding me of how cute the bob was – it almost makes me want to go back and get another (even though growing it out was not fun at all).

  8. Christian

    I don’t understand why these people think coming out of the closet will ruin their careers. John Travolta and Tom Cruise’s careers haven’t been great for a loooong time now (though I guess Tom has the MI franchise). But good for Katie, take your kid and get the hell out of that uber-scary “church”. Maybe now she’ll stop dressing like a blind third grader.

    • Heather

      I’m with you. I’d have a lot more respect for him if he did (publicly) come out at this point. He could make a great role model for LGBT teens. Hey Tom, check out the “It Gets Better” Project! Your contribution could go viral!!

  9. Eve

    The Posh-Armani photobomb still makes me smile. Ah, the way we were(n’t?)….

  10. Katty McNiley Ripley

    Tom had SOME work done for sure! Or maybe is just the power of a good haircut, a good tan and some weight loss… I don’t know!!

    Is Chris Klein still available for Katie?
    Is Cher still available for Tom?

  11. Donna

    The way she sucker-punched him and announced it first, and via her lawyer, makes me think all this time girlfriend hasn’t been quite the doormat we’ve all imagined, and that she’s been playing the game perfectly for her own long-term needs.

    • Kara

      And she’s seeking sole custody. I think Nicole Kidman basically lost her older two kids to him (I think they live with his sister?) and Scientology, which she doesn’t talk about (which makes me think the NDA is iron-clad). It seems like Katie’s not going to go gently when it comes to Suri.

      The whole thing is just so creepy.

    • Amalia

      Well, I think the info that she “sucker punched” him came from his people, so true or not, that’s what they want us to think. Can Tom Cruise really be looking for sympathy from middle America? Take a consoling bath in your billions of dollars.

  12. Chasmosaur

    For Katie, I’m hoping she stays single for a while. I’m sure she will be getting a hefty payout and she has that adorable daughter. She needs to be by herself for a while and celebrate her freedom. And after years of being forced to wear flats, she needs to date someone who is taller so she can wear all the heels she wants.

    For Tom? For God’s sake, just let it go, man. Don’t get married again.

    • Gigi

      A source on the inside told me several months ago that her father is a lawyer and they negotiated the money up front. She’ll be fine.

      • Chasmosaur

        Oh, I figured there was an up-front payment. I was just wondering if there was an extra payment for staying in it for X number of years ;)

  13. Eli

    Did you all prepare this in advance, like newspapers do for obituaries of people who are probably going to die soon?

  14. Jill

    There was this great article on her, I forget what magazine it was in, shortly before she started dating Tom. She was free of Chris Klein and happily single and fixing up her own place in New York and talking about how wonderful it was to be on her own. She’s never seemed that happy since. THANK GOODNESS SHE’S FREE!

    • Barbara

      I remember that article – it was in InStyle magazine, and she did seem to be happy and enjoying her single-girl independence. What a contrast to later picures, when she was married to Tom Cruise, and always looked so depressed.

  15. Callie

    Jason Dohring’s a Scientologist? Nooooooo! Oh Logan you just broke my heart.

    On topic: congratulations, Katie, welcome back to Planet Earth. Can’t wait to see a) who she dates now b) how she dresses now.

    • Lisa

      Jason was born into the ‘religion’, so it’s not really his fault… his whole family is in it.

      • Callie

        Well, I take your point. However it’s undeniable that, to paraphrase James Morrison, I love him a little less than before.

        • jean

          Well, I think he’s already married with kids. He at least seems grounded. And he’s gorgeous. All good things!

  16. jerkygirl

    I usually don’t bat an eye at these celebrity divorces, but this one. . .I’m really hoping Katie doesn’t get the Nicole treatment and have Suri taken from her. If Tom Cruise was just a regular old Hollywood person it would be different, but that cult he belongs to is REALLY scary and they apparently have a lot of influence (and lawyers). Maybe I shouldn’t be so heavy on the subject matter here, but this situation (not that we all didn’t know it was coming eventually) is really sad. Hopefully I’m just overreacting as a result of hormones and lack of cheesecake.

    Happier thoughts: as far as who their rebounds are going to be, I vote for Channing Tatum for Katie (I recently saw a Magic Mike commercial, and he looks like he could give a good hug) and Gary Busey for Tom Cruise. ;)

    • Jessica

      Channing is married and I don’t want him to break up w. Jenna Dewan.

      Katie is suing for sole custody of Suri. I think she will be okay.

      • Kara

        And Channing Tatum really seems to love Jenna Dewan. It’s very cute.

        • jerkygirl

          Okay, I don’t want to break up a HAPPY couple. And I don’t really wish Tom on poor old Gary. ;D

  17. jerkygirl

    Oh, and I hope you’re right about Katie getting custody, Jessica.

  18. MelissaW

    I love you guys. Love you. (Although, I was seeecretly hoping for a slide-show).

    Here’s to Free Katie!!

    (he’s totally going to rob the cradle next – Dakota Fanning’s mom better lock her up)

    • Jessica

      A slideshow would have taken longer to throw together than I had time to devote today, unfortunately. I think it’s more fun to read what we thought in the moment, anyway.

      • Struds

        Yes…and i congratulate you for your “in the moment” thoughts being so……spot on. Where we are now was so “called” by you on more than one occasion in the past. Please keep up the good work. Carry on.

        PS Good luck to Katie and especially Suri

  19. jen

    Well I’m sure his agent is lining up auditions for “TOM’S TRUE LOVE.” Must be: a) less famous b) desperate for fame c) willing to be audited and Xenued. (is that a verb). So I’m making my likst:

    Demi Lovato–kinda crazy, super young, and could use a win. Plus it would overshadow Britney.

    Stacey Kiebler–mostly so Tom could taunt George

    Mischa Barton–come on, what else is she doing?

    • Cynthia W

      I’m pretty sure that Stacey and Mischa are too old for Tom! And poor Demi Lovato – isn’t she just getting herself back together now?

  20. Az

    Julianne Hough for Tom. She already has experience in bearding.

  21. LG

    OH GOD I suddenly want her to get with Riggins, because Riggins’s Man Parts apparently possess magical qualities especially useful to ladies who’ve just gotten out of bad relationships. Kind of angry-hot, young, just inappropriate enough to be the perfect rebound. Side note: I can never remember his real name without thinking for like five minutes…

    (Ooh! Taylor Kitsch! That’s his real name! Yeah, I want her to rebound with Taylor Kitsch, so hard. Is he with anyone? This desire is obviously predicated on the assumption that he’s available, because We Are Not Homewreckers.)

  22. Sarah

    How can someone so gay have such bad hair?

    • Glee

      Do you mean John Travolta and his rugs? Oh, you mean Tom Cruise and his beards. Oh, you mean HAIR hair, not fake or beard hair. My bad.

  23. Sandra

    Well, Nicole started doing much better work AND returned to wearing heels when she clawed her way out, so there’s likely a bright future ahead for Katie. She should fight like a rabid wildcat for her child.

  24. Bob Stanley

    She should demand a paternity test.

  25. vandalfan

    Shoot, nobody else knows what goes on in a marriage. People grow apart, expectations are unfulfilled. You can’t assign sole fault to either one. It’s fun to joke about how he’s nuts and she’s a captive, but in the end it’s just a very sad situation, especially for their little girl.

    And you can’t fault either Tom or Kidman for their present custody schedule. They, or a judge, may have felt it better to keep a US born child in the US.

    • Julia in Oz

      Nicole lives in the US – in Nashville with her much, much sexier new husband. She comes to Oz mainly for holidays.

  26. Guerra

    Something tells me toms not going to let go of his daughter that easy… Unless she’s got something good over him!

  27. heather

    She’s free? HOORAAAAAY! Go Katie!

  28. Cynthia W

    I’ll bet that custody was ironed out ahead of time and she’s not going to get it – there’s no way he’s letting that child be raised by a non-Scientologist and I’m betting she runs back to the Catholic church as fast as her legs can carry her.

    The Scientologists are crazy and Tom is really far up there with them – it’s obvious that he has Nicole over a barrel the way that she clams up in interviews. I’d be shocked if Katie even got partial custody in more than name, just like Nicole. We’ll never know the truth about anything that happened in either marriage until he’s dead – you can bet on that.

    If he wanted to keep a wife, he should have went the Travolta route and found someone who was already a Scientologist and ready to suck it up forever.

  29. Rachel

    I think that Josh Hartnett is Suri’s real dad. I wonder if that will come out now?

  30. Mahastee

    I hope divorcing Tom is as great for Katie as it was for Nicole – Katie was doing some interesting stuff before meeting him.

    Also, that post with Posh and Armani post is GOLD.

  31. sarah

    I freaking love you two.

  32. kess

    Someone posted this elsewhere – Mimi Rogers 1956; Nicole Kidman 1967; Katie Holmes 1978 – So, Tom Cruise’s next wife was born in 1989

    And that they were all 33 at the end – is that true?

  33. ML

    Googling “celebrity births 1989″ right now… Here are the results that matter. Shall we start a pool on the following candidates?

    Nina Dobrev
    Taylor Swift (People. This could actually HAPPEN.)
    Hayden Panettiere
    Shenae Grimes (too… many… fug… opportunities… cannot… process…)
    Aimee Teegarden (NO, JULIE, NO! TEXAS FOREVER!)
    Kat Graham
    Imogen Poots (just because I like the idea of “Imogen Poots Cruise”)
    Jordin Sparks

    I’m putting my money on Shenaenae. Because she’s young. And impressionable. And I’m not sure she has the tactical sense to forge an ultimate escape plan. OK, I *am* sure she doesn’t have the tactical sense to forge an ultimate escape plan.

    • Hazel

      Taylor Swift would be perfect (bearding experience and all), but she’s too tall for him, right?

      • ML

        Well, look at Nicole and Keith Urban – she’s way taller than he is and it’s all good.

        Would we be calling Taylor Swift and Tom Cruise “Tom Swifty” as a couple? Oh, dear…

    • Elle

      My money’s on Hayden Panettiere. She likes older guys and her career could use a publicity boost.

  34. Shiitake

    Finally…That fraud is over.

    Now for the court arguments over who owns Suri and the other embryos left in cryogenic stasis.

  35. Sophia Loren

    Motorcycle post suggests that Katie had good taste in clothes once upon a time? I’d love to see a retrospective post on that…

  36. Heather

    I never watched ‘Dawson’s Creek’ but love her in ‘Pieces of April’ and ‘The Wonder Boys.’ Hopefully she can get back to real acting soon!

  37. Patrick

    I feel sorry for Tom. Falls in love with an immature, spoiled actress and spoils her even more. If she had an ounce of gray matter she knew the importance of Scientology in his life, and if she didn’t buy into it she should never have married him. It’s hard not to believe she didn’t use him to further her career (as did Nicole Kidman) and pick up some money along the way to greater fame and opportunity. She could have ended it in a way that did less damage to his reputation.

  38. fritanga

    I have a horrid feeling that Cruise will play it really safe next time and choose from his church’s brethren. I am SO FRIGHTENED for Elisabeth Moss! NO! Not Peggy! Save her!

    He can take Laura Prepon or Erika Christensen instead.

  39. linda

    Patrick: you feel sorry for Tom Cruise? It was Katie who took him for a ride? She’s mean because the breakup has been bad for his reputation? You really believe Katie had full disclosure on how weird Tom’s Scientology crap might turn out to be? She should have stood by her (pint-sized) man?

    Have you been getting your TomKat coverage from Spike TV?

  40. Caroleena Stantonova

    His next beard will be a most maddeningly hungry starlet. But, of course.