The Fugent List


So, we’ve all heard by now — it was the giggle heard ’round the world — that J.Lo.Hew’s masterpiece of Kind Touchery, The Client List, is being made into a TV series. I have questions. How exactly is that going to work? Because in the movie (and I’m sure even if you haven’t seen it, this is not so much a spoiler as a mild WTF moment), it has a rosy ending wherein she gives up all the names of her clients in exchange for a reduced prison term for hooking, and then all the neighborhood wives ask her to give them sex tips through the use of fruit. BULL TRUE. So what is the series? Pretending none of that happened, and she’s still hooking? Pretending all of that DID happen, and the whole show is her giving booty seminars to harried housewives? Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does and also she actually totally liked it, and now there is demand that must be met with supply? What, is she an economist now? A Kind-Touching capitalist prostisseuse?

And is this the phase where she starts going Method? Because nothing screams “My touch is kind” like an animal-print genie jumpsuit. Or at least, I assume that’s what it is screaming. To be honest, and I am proud of this, I don’t speak Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit all that fluently — just maybe some conversational slang at best.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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Comments (52):

  1. Vanessa
    0

    Looks like she was hoping the paparazzi would mistake her for a Kardashian.

  2. Meghan
    0

    My Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit is rusty as well, but I could swear it’s screaming “Kim Kardashian, Wardrobe Consultant”.

  3. Marinn
    0

    She has pretty hair. That’s all I’ve got.

  4. BB_Brune
    0

    Dude, I’d be surprised if that show even got picked up… nevermind last more than what, half a season?
    Now, I despise anything leopard/animal print as a rule, and this pretty much sums up why… On Rose Byrne however, it totally works.

  5. Eliza Bennett
    0

    ahhh my eyes. I will never recover.

  6. Lindsay
    0

    why is this not an above-the-knee day dress? it could be so cute as a dress.

    this begs the question “why aren’t all jumpsuits dresses?”, which is really just a roundabout way of saying “WHY ARE THERE JUMPSUITS AT ALL?!?”

  7. Gigi
    0

    I think the French expression “putain de merde” works best here. Lord.

  8. Improbable Joe
    0

    That’s totally how chicks at the jack shack dress… or so I’ve heard.

  9. Synne
    0

    OMG she’s on Kim Kardashians Client List. The hair, the heinous jumpsuit, the shoes.

  10. A.J.
    0

    Um, I like the shoes?

  11. Susan
    0

    I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks she looks like a Lost Kardashian. Not a look anyone should aim for.

  12. marie
    0

    she actually looks like she was wearing something from that recent line the Kardashians designed

  13. Amanda
    0

    At first glance I totally thought she was Kim Kardashian, which I’m guessing is what she was going for. And, though both of them are very pretty and have enviably shiny, bouncy hair, neither of them could pull off such an atrocity.

  14. Stefanie
    0

    “Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does…” Amazing. SO amazing.

    And I fall into the Lost Kardashian crew. I think she figures that if she looks like Kim she will be married like Kim.

  15. Manderz
    0

    did she get extensions? or is this before she cut it?

  16. Brooke
    0

    Are you sure her series isn’t “The Klient List” brought to you by “The Kollection” ?

  17. Sensible Sea Monster
    0

    My Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit is likewise a bit shaky, but my rough translation of this one is “No happy ending for you!!”

  18. Court
    0

    Its my birthday today and you just said “blows harder than she does”. Thank you for my birthday present:)

  19. :paula
    0

    And also is she a Bratz doll now?

  20. Jamee
    0

    WHAT THE…???

  21. Jennifer
    0

    Is she wearing the leopard-print jumpsuit from the Sears clothing line by the Kardashians? The same one that Kim K. wore to the launch event? The fact that I’m even pondering that says that it’s a bad outfit choice . . .

  22. Carolina Girl
    0

    Her mantra should be WWHMD, not WWKKD.

  23. TheOtherJennifer
    0

    her hair does look good and that is completely from the “Look at Me Kardashian” collection.

  24. Kate
    0

    I totally read ‘Kind Touchery’ as ‘Kind Douchery’ at first. I think THAT should be a show. It would, obviously, star the newly reformed Chad Michael Murray because have you followed him on Twitter? He’s so clearly trying to improve his image that even though I’m inclined to think he’s still a bit of a douche, I kind of love him. Chad Michael ‘Kind Douche’ Murray FTW!

    Okay, that’s my tangent.

    I hope the actually Kind Touchery show is every bit as cheese-tastic as the movie. And I hope that jumpsuit is in it.

  25. Cecily
    0

    “Kind-touching capitalist prostisseuse,” sooooooooo funny. That jumpsuit is beyond heinous. It’s heyena-ous.

  26. Leens
    0

    Looks like J.Lo.Hew won “Who Wants to be the NEXT KARDASHIAN!” … I am pretty certain the prize was a lifetime of these jump suits … and maybe some hair shiner?

  27. vandalfan
    0

    So, maybe she’s released from prison to wear a wire to trap an unscrupulous… umm… senator, yeah, that’s the ticket, who is involved in White Slavery on the side.

  28. Blue Buddha
    0

    This is the first jumpsuit I’ve seen that I don’t hate. I’d never wear it myself, but it doesn’t look bad here. The hair though; I thought she had cute just-past-the-shoulder hair. This is so obviously fake as well as those ginormous eyelashes. Dunno… she’s cute as is; why all the accouterments?

  29. yeahandalso
    0

    @Vanessa I will one up you and say she is INTENTIONALLY dressing as a Kardashian…which, to be honest is probably a step in the right direction…say what you will about her but Kim Kardashian knows how to dress a short curvy body in a flattering way.

  30. yeahandalso
    0

    PS that is not an endorsement of this outfit though, it looked equally terrible on Kim…but the Harve Legers she’s worn recently make her look hot and like a Kardashian

  31. Kary
    0

    Plus one for the Lost Kardashian camp.

    I rarely think of JLoHew and the Kardashians at all, except to wonder how much money they spend a month on eyeshadow and false eyelashes. Because, OMG.

  32. Kellilee
    0

    She looks like she’s having some difficulty balancing in those shoes. I’ve seen 6 year olds tromping around in their mother’s shoes look more graceful than that.
    Team “You look like a damn Kardashian, knock that crap off”.

  33. Alexandra Nilsson
    0

    I too love the shoes.

  34. Rebecca
    0

    All I want to know is does this mean that you give unto us Fug the Episode: The Client List once weekly. Because, Ladies, please. Please.

  35. Samantha
    0

    @Blue Buddha – I agree. It’s the least awful jumpsuit I’ve seen recently. It still doesn’t make it good. It’s also one of the less-horrible outfits we’ve seen on our favorite Kind Toucher, which, again, doesn’t say much. Trying to put a positive spin on this outfit is making me sad. Bummer.

  36. Grant
    0

    So…they’re pretty much just trying to revamp a TV series that already exists with Billie Piper called “The Secret Diary of a Call Girl” but just make it more American-y with J-Lo-Hew? Ew. Not interested.

    And that jumpsuit man. No words.

  37. Struds
    0

    I must be tired, but at first glance I thought she had a bird perched on her hand, so was maybe on her way to a school “Be kind to animals and all who dress in them” -type presentation. You know, featuring Pesko the Plastic Parrot.

  38. Anne B
    0

    No! No. Please.

    By which I mean, more. MORE “Client List: The Series”, more Crazy Bird! More of all of this, immediately.

    YES.

  39. megan
    0

    trying to be a kardashian but not quite there

  40. lc
    0

    As much as I hate to say it, that harem suit does accentuate her curves nicely and really emphasizes her waist.

  41. NYCGirl
    0

    Trash. Y.

  42. Sajorina
    0

    NO to the jumpsuit!
    YES to the purse and shoes!
    NO to the hair extensions!
    YES to @Rebecca’s idea: “Fug the Episode: The Client List” once weekly! PLEASE!!!

  43. Grace
    0

    Straight out of the Boston Proper catalog. Yeah, don’t act like you don’t know what that is.

  44. Bilbo
    0

    Those shoes hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    However the jumpsuit is oddly (STOP SLAPPING ME) attractive on her. It does wonders for her figure, diguising her larger legs with a super trendy pants and playing up her great torso with the shirtfront.

    Thing is, this would be elegant, comfortable, and timeless if it were a just-below-the-knee length dress. PERFECT for her figure.

  45. Abart
    0

    Is it me, or does she have an teeny tiny head?

  46. Amber
    0

    Jumpsuits have. got. to. stop. However, ugly as they are, I kinda want some really flowy pants like that. Think of how comfortable those must be!
    And I, too, thought this was Kim K. at first glance. I don’t know–at this point in JLH’s career, maybe that’s a step up?

  47. rebeccacdm
    0

    I LOVE HER SHOES!

  48. Amber
    0

    prostiteusse is possibly my new favorite word.

  49. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Oh God, the Ks are working on world domination. I really thought that JLH was KK. Any of them.

  50. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    And is she really that thirsty? Is there nowhere for the next 10 miles that she can’t get a drink of water?

  51. Faye
    0

    The Kind Toucher as an conomist? Gives new meaning to “priming the pump” ;) .

  52. Lily1214
    0

    I think she looks rather nice.