Fug File: White House Correspondents' Dinner
Heather said that Rose here looked like she was trying to “hatch her way out of mourning,” and I don’t disagree. There is some weird Shedding of the Chrysalis thing happening here, and not in the way where it’s actually a lovely metaphor. Maybe crawl back into the chrysalis, babe, because you look like you’re STUCK in it. But what this also looks like to me is that she got this planning to deploy it at the Met Gala (tonight!) but then she didn’t get an invite or decided she didn’t want to go for some reason — boiling feud with Hailee Steinfeld or someone, surely — and then decided, “you know what? I’ve got this crazy dress. I AM WEARING IT.”
This started out fairly dishy.
Then it turned into a series of weird optical illusions: I keep thinking it’s a jumpsuit, possibly because of the awkward length; then, I realize it’s possible the length only looks awkward because of the shoes she chose, and THEN I get completely transfixed by THAT oddball effect. Because the nude upper looks like she’s in bare feet resting on black platforms, I get distracted trying to figure out why her toes are glued together, before remembering they’re INSIDE a shoe, and… y’all, I should not have to work this hard. It’s fashion. But it feels like physics homework.
“Listen, people, what am I SUPPOSED to do?”
“I’ve spent the last !#@$ years trying to make every single story on the Today show feel as important as if it were about a natural disaster. And yet apparently now that Lauer’s signed his deal, everyone keeps insisting I’m out because people think I’m boring, or strained. But what they don’t get is that it’s a STYLE. You want a side of gravitas with your cooking segment? Curry’s your girl. You want to treat the world’s fattest cat with the reverence due to a world leader? Curry it up. Do you like to be spoken to at a tone no higher than a lullaby? I’ll Curry the hell out of it. So if Today doesn’t want me, fine. I don’t care if this does make my generally ageless figure look like it’s wilting! I’ll go to this important gathering of news organizations dressed like a pack of Certs tastes, and everyone will say, “That Curry makes me feel strangely fresh,” or, “I need a mint after that divine Curry,” and BAM, before you know it, Robin Roberts and I will be the KLG and Hoda of ABC. So you want some Curry powder, newsies of the world? Hit me up for my spice. It’s very mild, I promise. No heartburn.”
Please do not excoriate Zooey here for the adorkability of the head-cocking. This is the only picture in which she is doing it — unfortunately, it is also the only full-length photo of her that’s not from rather a distance, so I had to use it. I like Zooey. I like New Girl. Actually, I liked it fine early on, but I love it now, because I think it’s done a very, very clever job of building up its other characters while either diluting Jess’s more cloying goofy qualities and/or letting the character get away with fewer of them. Plus, I want to play True American with them right now — as do, I’m sure, a lot of people, which means the No. 1 Google Search return, True American Roofing Company, has probably had a banner week.
Where was I? Oh, right: Zooey.
That’s quite lovely. And I might like this unreservedly if the hem didn’t do that. See it down there? The way it looks like she’s slowly melting into a pool of sparkle? Granted, if you were to ask Zooey Deschanel how she would choose to melt if melting were required, I think “into a pool of sparkle” would be part of her answer. So maybe she was fulfilling a dream.