Fug File: performances

Casual Fuggerday: Ariana Grande on the Today Show


Here’s my hangup with Ariana Grande (whom my teenage niece loves; like, if Ariana is on TV, BACK OFF, because it’s not going anywhere): About seventy-five percent of the time, if not more, nothing she’s doing makes it all the way up to her eyes.

Ariana Grade Performs On NBC's "Today" Show

On the red carpet she usually looks half-terrified; when she’s performing, it’s like you can see the hamsters huffing and puffing on the wheel, trying not to trip and fall off it. (That’s not a comment on her intellect. More like, I feel like I can see her counting steps, planning ahead to the next dance move.) I remember the VMAs — or Grammys? — when she just stood up there and sang her heart out and was talented and cute, and it worked better for her in particular, to me, than all this generic Pop Princess stuff that feels strained. Although I am not her target audience, and whatever hash she’s slinging is CLEARLY finding a place on my niece’s plate, so whatever.

That said, this cellophane cheerleader bit is as dead to me as her eyes sometimes are (although can we give three cheers for her lipstick? It’s gorgeous on her). At first I thought it was going to be the skirt that annoyed me, until I got to this shot of the top and saw that it puts the “bust” in “bustier.” No need to be all Barneys all the time, but no need to be Dollar Store, either.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fug the Concert Costume: Bey and Jay


Beyonce and Jay-Z at the On The Run Tour in New Jersey

JAY: Hey, Bey.

BEYONCE: Hey, Jay.

JAY: You okay?

BEY: Like a fine cabernet.

JAY: Should we cover some Sugar Ray?

BEY: I want to do “My Way.”

JAY: Maybe someday.

BEY: I get a say. I’m the one with leather up in my va-jay-jay.

JAY: I don’t want to hear this today.

BEY: What, in case it deflates your souffle?

JAY: My interest in this shows exponential decay.

BEY: Tell me: What does this mask portray?

JAY: Something risque? Like a minx in the CIA?

BEY: IT LOOKS LIKE A POWER PLAY.

JAY: Nah, it’s just a mystery buffet.

BEY: WHAT buffet? I CAN’T EAT. MY MOUTH IS BLOCKED OFF. AM I BEING SILENCED? AM I SUBSERVIENT TO YOU NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN? DO YOU NOT GET WHY THIS LOOKS OFF?

JAY: Does that follow our rhyme? NAY.

BEY: FINE THEN. HOW’S THIS: I HOPE THAT’S A TOUPEE.

JAY: I miss Kanye.

[Photo: AKM-GSI]

 

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Fugta Ora and Fuggy Azalea


I really love the pattern Rita Ora is wearing and wish someone would make it a tennis dress at the U.S. Open.

Having said that, everything about the rest of BOTH their outfits makes them look like Romy and Michele’s High School Cheerleading Audition.

[Photo: Fane/Flynet]

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WTF, Again: Steven Tyler


In the immortal words of Joey Lawrence: whoa.

Steven Tyler Aerosmith

Which do we think will happen first: Johnny Depp plays Steven Tyler, or Johnny Depp turns INTO Stephen Tyler?

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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WTFug: Lily Allen


I feel like I just stumbled back in time and into someone’s misguided LSD-fueled seance:

I mean, if you told me she was two seconds away from twirling and then singing “I Got You, Babe,” to a tree, I’d believe you.

And if you’re wondering whether this is as naked if she’s not lifting her arms:

warning: it is

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Oscar Performers Fugs and Fabs


Here’s my feeling about Travolta and Adele Dazeem: Plenty of people flubbed their lines at the Oscars; it was an extraordinarily sloppy show, and his had the misfortune of being the most cuckoo cock-up. But it’s true that nobody else screwed up on an “Adele Dazeem” level, and while I understand that people are attributing it to Travolta being dyslexic, and I have great sympathy for that, I also think it’s totally okay to be like, “Yeah, you know what? That guy is a professional and he could have been more prepared, and he wasn’t.” Because John Travolta has worked in showbiz for FORTY YEARS (which blows my mind a little). He is not new to the adjustments he has to make in order to avoid the pitfalls of live TV. Don’t memorize the patter, if you don’t want — nobody cares about patter — but at the very least, the TINIEST modicum of respect he could have shown for Idina Menzel, and her moment, was to bother to memorize HER NAME, so that even if the rest of it got tangled, he could just take a deep breath and laugh it off and then get the important part right. The whole thing was so bizarre that I’m not sure it CAN be excused except by The Drink, The Lazy, or maybe The Last-Minute Substitution. I suppose The Nerves? Maybe it was The Nerves. But I mean, not for nothing, Tom Cruise has dyslexia also, and you can bet that dude would have studied the hell out of it and walked out there and nailed “Idina Menzel” correctly if his life depended on it. Which I just realized sounds kind of bad, although I ALSO just realized that Tom Cruise and Idina Menzel becoming a couple would be really entertaining, and I wouldn’t have gotten there if not for Travolta and Adele Dazeem, so: Thanks, you two!

As for the outfits: We’ve got Idina in Reem Acra and Vera Wang; Bette Midler in Reem Acra and custom Alaia; Pink in Elie Saab; U2 in U2-type things; and Pharrell in a whole lot of good cheer.

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

 

 

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