Fug File: Olympics

Well Played: Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas on Teen Vogue


I love these covers. If I were a teen, I would run out and buy them; if I were the mother of a teen, I’d be delighted to see them arrive in the mail:

These covers are, simply put, utterly great. Both Simone and Gabby look like the strong, confident, supremely talented young women that they are. There is no weird fashion-mag artifice here; no decision was made to put them in some kind of directional, glossy milieu. Obviously, they’re both very pretty, and these are compelling photographs, but part of what is wonderful about these covers is that they’re primarily focused on how good Simone and Gabby are at what they do. I particularly love that Teen Vogue chose to run a photo of Simone where she’s lightly covered in chalk dust — it’s got a beautiful effect on the image, like an Instagram filter, except it’s actually a tool that she uses to dominate at work every day:

This quote, from Gabby’s interview, is likewise great:

Gabby’s mother (who doubles as her manager), Natalie Hawkins, reflects: “I remember when everyone was talking about her arms, and she became very self-conscious about how muscular they were. Then Gabrielle saw the elegance with which Serena Williams handled all the negative criticism of her own body. It was liberating for my daughter to see that. She said, ‘I don’t have to apologize to anyone about my body. My body is beautiful.’”

Hell, yes, it is. YOU ARE BOTH PERFECT AND DON’T EVER FORGET IT.

(You can read interviews with both women in whole at Teen Vogue.)

[Photos: Jason Kibbler, Teen Vogue]

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Fug or Fab the Olympics Uniform: The USA in Rio


As he did in Sochi, so has Ralph Lauren designed the USA’s opening and closing ceremony ensembles for the upcoming Rio Olympics. We haven’t seen the opening ceremony outfits yet, but let’s discuss the closing looks, shall we?

 Before we really get into this, we need to note that the upcoming summer Olympics means we will be getting a sequel to the 2012 Olympics Abs Post, which I fully believe is my most perfect work on this earth, and shall be projected into the sky at my funeral. I am SO EXCITED about the Olympics. I love them so much.

THAT SAID. I have notes. Lots of notes. For one thing, both of the dudes look vaguely like they just got off their shifts rowing your gondola. Second, even I, Noted Breton Stripe Lover, am concerned that everything about these is slightly….dorky? (Is it just that Lochte is inherently sort of doofy?) The shorts aren’t that flattering on anyone — and, if I may note again for the jury, THESE ARE OLYMPIC ATHLETICS, SO THEY ARE PERFECT OF FORM –  and they don’t seem to hit anyone at the right point on their hips/waist. And the patches! Why are they so big? Why does Ralph get to make his Polo logo SO HUGE? It’s not the Polo Ralph Lauren Games! (I also think, btw, that the Polo logo is too large on normal Polo gear; I actually like Polo, because I am an uptight prepster who owns shorts with tiny anchors on them, but I hate a huge logo.)  DIAL IT BACK, RALPH.

To make it up to you, though, do you want to see a transfixing Lochte in a white Speedo? I’m going to put it under the jump because…it’s….yeah. Let me tell you this: I am not a huge Lochte fan, and even I stared at it open-mouthed for like thirty-five minutes. I AM BUT ONE HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN:

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Fab and Fabber: 2014 Winter Olympics Figure Skating: The Gala


My personal confession is that I hardly ever watch the gala skates. Are you BATTLING FOR DOMINANCE? Then I don’t care. (Also, I hate skating to music with vocals, which means my life is going to become very difficult, as rumor has it they’re going to allow that in all figure skating now, rather than just ice dancing.) But I had to bring you Carolina Kostner’s pantlessness and Javier Fernandez’s adorableness if nothing else. Although there’s LOTS of “else.”

Did you miss any of our other skating coverage?  Behold the pairs! The men Your ice dancing! And, of course, the women.

PS: See you in Brazil, SWIMMERS.

[Photos: Me.]

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Fab and Fabber: 2014 Winter Olympics Figure Skating: The Women


At last! The so-called marquee event of the Olympics, as full of DRAMA and FALLS and TIGHTS MALFUNCTIONS and SUSPICIONS OF RIGGING. Did you want to talk about the pairs? We can do that. Do you have a burning desire to weigh in on the drama of the men’s event? We are here for you. Can you no longer go on without discussing ice dancing? We ALWAYS want to discuss ice dancing. All ready for the women? Let’s do this thing. As always: discussion of drama is welcomed! Ashley Wagner has already started stirring the pot for you! (It’s rarely a good idea to really let it fly to the press on a day when you’ve lost. I’m saying that as someone actually think she makes a good point, even if she doesn’t acknowledge the irony that the very lack of transparency in skating is part of the reason she ended up at this Olympics in the first place. And I’m saying that as someone who thinks Ashley showed up this go-round with a major chip on her shoulder.) ANYWAY. DISCUSS. Discuss it ALL.

PS: Dear Johnny Weir, I think I’ll miss you most of all. You and Tara are the wind beneath my wings.

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Fab and Fabber: 2014 Winter Olympics Figure Skating: The Ice Dancers


In which you will see both the medalists, and a variety of people that I felt you needed to witness in order to live a full and complete life. We’ve already covered the pairs, and the men’s competition, and all the Americans were covered at Nationals, although the Shibs have new costumes, so I decided to include them. And then because it felt weird to NOT include Meryl and Charlie, given that they won this one (and because I really love Charlie), I tossed them in too. And then I tossed in Bates and Chock because their short dance costumes are gorgeous. In other words: I am just making up the rules as I go along and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Additionally, you might want to review what happened in the previous Olympics. THEY WERE COMPLETELY INSANE. They make all of these costumes look like something you’d rustle up at the mall. And, as always: rumor-mongering and tales of ice-dancing DRAMA welcome.

[Photos: ME]

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Fab and Fabber: 2014 Winter Olympics Figure Skating: The Men


In which I say aloud to the TV, “BRIAN JOUBERT IS STILL ALIVE?!” As I mentioned in my post about the pairs, I got tired of waiting to bring you SKATING SKATING SKATING, so we’re breaking this out into a whole bunch of coverage this year. As I ALSO mentioned in my post about pairs, most of the Americans have already been discussed after Nationals...but that turned out to be a lie in this particular case, because I wanted to show you the back of Jason Brown’s Prince-themed costume and also we have to talk about Poor Jeremy Abbott, the Edith Crawley of figure-skating. ALSO we have to talk about WTF happened with Plushenko. Men’s skating rarely has so much dramz. ALSO ALSO ALSO, as usual, this is a melange of Winners Plus People I Thought You Might Want To See. SKATING!

[Photos: Screengrabs by my own bleeding hands, but these are marginally better than the pairs ones; again, apologies for our annoying photo situation in terms of sports coverage at the moment.]

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Fug the Uniform: The USA in Sochi


Well, here’s one way to ensure Canada will take the gold (AGAIN) in the event that really counts: winter clothes. If you make a sculpted Olympic athlete look terrible… WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE, RALPH?

[Photos: Ralph Lauren]

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