As he did in Sochi, so has Ralph Lauren designed the USA’s opening and closing ceremony ensembles for the upcoming Rio Olympics. We haven’t seen the opening ceremony outfits yet, but let’s discuss the closing looks, shall we?
Live on the @todayshow: Unveiling the official #TeamUSA closing ceremony uniforms from #Polo with @RyanLochte, Jordan Burroughs (@alliseeisgold), and Haley Anderson (@swimhaley). Click the link in bio to shop the collection and meet all six of our #Rio athletes, including Melissa Stockwell (@MStockwell01), Connor Fields (@cf11) and April Ross (@AprilRossBeach). #RoadtoRio @poloralphlauren
Before we really get into this, we need to note that the upcoming summer Olympics means we will be getting a sequel to the 2012 Olympics Abs Post, which I fully believe is my most perfect work on this earth, and shall be projected into the sky at my funeral. I am SO EXCITED about the Olympics. I love them so much.
THAT SAID. I have notes. Lots of notes. For one thing, both of the dudes look vaguely like they just got off their shifts rowing your gondola. Second, even I, Noted Breton Stripe Lover, am concerned that everything about these is slightly….dorky? (Is it just that Lochte is inherently sort of doofy?) The shorts aren’t that flattering on anyone — and, if I may note again for the jury, THESE ARE OLYMPIC ATHLETICS, SO THEY ARE PERFECT OF FORM – and they don’t seem to hit anyone at the right point on their hips/waist. And the patches! Why are they so big? Why does Ralph get to make his Polo logo SO HUGE? It’s not the Polo Ralph Lauren Games! (I also think, btw, that the Polo logo is too large on normal Polo gear; I actually like Polo, because I am an uptight prepster who owns shorts with tiny anchors on them, but I hate a huge logo.) DIAL IT BACK, RALPH.
To make it up to you, though, do you want to see a transfixing Lochte in a white Speedo? I’m going to put it under the jump because…it’s….yeah. Let me tell you this: I am not a huge Lochte fan, and even I stared at it open-mouthed for like thirty-five minutes. I AM BUT ONE HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN: