Fug File: jumpsuit

Fugsica White

Thank you to Jessica White for adding fuel to the pyre on which the “models can wear anything” theory is burning.

Models can’t wear this. Windows can’t wear this. Canopy beds can’t wear this. Marchesa models can’t wear this. Mannequins at the polygamist cult on-site lingerie emporium can’t wear this. Tables can’t wear this. Clowns can’t wear this. People who breathe can’t wear this. SWINTON can’t wear this. Leighton Meester might think she can wear this, but she can’t. Tyra Banks secretly thinks she can wear this, but knows better than to try.  Your mortal enemy should think she can wear this, even though she can’t, because that would be satisfying. In short, this is the incomprehensibly hideous Lanz of Salzburg sleepwear version of Erin Wasson’s idiotic Golden Globes dress: It is evil, and must be destroyed.

[Photo: Getty]


SAG Awards Fug Carpet: Rose Byrne

For a ssecond I thought I liked the bob on Rose Byrne; then I decided it might be too heavy for her face. But then, my best friend when I was five had essentially this haircut — or else, she did in my fuzzy memories of that age — so I think my residual fondness (even though she once dotted my skin with green permanent marker, which she may have thought was helping my appearance, and which may have been correct) is pushing this into the win column for me.

And when I saw this, I was like, “Oh, Rose Byrne’s dress might be really nice. I can’t wait to see the rest of it.”

turns out i could have


Collette Fugfe

Dear 2011:

When you go — and you WILL go, you jerk, and I will CACKLE as the wall calendar hits you in the nethers on the way out — please take this with you. And all its brethren, progeny, and ilk. The world, and we suspect someday Colleen herself, will thank you. Assuming we ever bother speaking to you again. I will NOT sign your yearbook.

Best wishes, or at least wishes,


P.S. Don’t even THINK about trying to turn 2012 against us or else we will somehow make you keep Kris Humphries and at least two of the Real Housewives.

P.P.S. But thanks for Stefon on Weekend Update. He did help.

[Photo: Getty]


Stella McFuggney

I seriously hate this jumpsuit on Stella McCartney SO MUCH I can’t even stand it:

I mean, first of all, GIRLFRIEND YOU ARE THE FREAKING DESIGNER OF THIS YOU COULD GET IT HEMMED TO A LENGTH THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TWO STEPS AWAY FROM GETTING YOUR HEEL CAUGHT IN THE HEM OF YOUR LEFT PANT LEG, FALLING TO THE GROUND, AND CRACKING YOUR HEAD OPEN (full disclosure: that once happened to me). Phew. Okay. I feel better now that I’ve let that out. Also! In addition to the fact that it is RIDICULOUS that a designer would wear her own design without it fitting her properly — I mean, can you imagine DVF walking out of the house in, say, a wrap-dress a size too large and her boob flopping out? Because I can not — this looks like a jumpsuit they’d ask you to wear once you’ve been permanently committed to the jailhouse santitarium. Chic for making macaroni necklaces with the other inmates. OTHERWISE NOT SO MUCH.

[Photo: Getty]


Fugs and Fabs: Freida Pinto

Freida Pinto is back on the circuit, and looking pretty damn swell. I like this particular outfit on her, mostly due to the color and the sexy rope neckline. Yes, okay, the waist tie isn’t creating the MOST flattering line for her figure (it makes her look a bit square), and sure, one could argue — and I probably have — that the tassels look like you could yank them and a butler would appear with a tray of champagne and some Tic Tacs. But I ask you: Would that REALLY be so terrible? I like champagne, and after a few too many, I’m sure I’d need the Tic Tacs. Frankly I think it’s very thoughtful of him.

[Photos: WENN]


Selita Fugbanks

Selita Ebanks IS a model:

And getting paid is the only possibly excuse for wearing Gumby’s formal wear.

[Photos: Splash]


The Fugent List

So, we’ve all heard by now — it was the giggle heard ’round the world — that J.Lo.Hew’s masterpiece of Kind Touchery, The Client List, is being made into a TV series. I have questions. How exactly is that going to work? Because in the movie (and I’m sure even if you haven’t seen it, this is not so much a spoiler as a mild WTF moment), it has a rosy ending wherein she gives up all the names of her clients in exchange for a reduced prison term for hooking, and then all the neighborhood wives ask her to give them sex tips through the use of fruit. BULL TRUE. So what is the series? Pretending none of that happened, and she’s still hooking? Pretending all of that DID happen, and the whole show is her giving booty seminars to harried housewives? Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does and also she actually totally liked it, and now there is demand that must be met with supply? What, is she an economist now? A Kind-Touching capitalist prostisseuse?

And is this the phase where she starts going Method? Because nothing screams “My touch is kind” like an animal-print genie jumpsuit. Or at least, I assume that’s what it is screaming. To be honest, and I am proud of this, I don’t speak Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit all that fluently — just maybe some conversational slang at best.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]