Fug File: jumpsuit

Selita Fugbanks

Selita Ebanks IS a model:

And getting paid is the only possibly excuse for wearing Gumby’s formal wear.

[Photos: Splash]


The Fugent List

So, we’ve all heard by now — it was the giggle heard ’round the world — that J.Lo.Hew’s masterpiece of Kind Touchery, The Client List, is being made into a TV series. I have questions. How exactly is that going to work? Because in the movie (and I’m sure even if you haven’t seen it, this is not so much a spoiler as a mild WTF moment), it has a rosy ending wherein she gives up all the names of her clients in exchange for a reduced prison term for hooking, and then all the neighborhood wives ask her to give them sex tips through the use of fruit. BULL TRUE. So what is the series? Pretending none of that happened, and she’s still hooking? Pretending all of that DID happen, and the whole show is her giving booty seminars to harried housewives? Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does and also she actually totally liked it, and now there is demand that must be met with supply? What, is she an economist now? A Kind-Touching capitalist prostisseuse?

And is this the phase where she starts going Method? Because nothing screams “My touch is kind” like an animal-print genie jumpsuit. Or at least, I assume that’s what it is screaming. To be honest, and I am proud of this, I don’t speak Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit all that fluently — just maybe some conversational slang at best.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]


The Kardashian Fuglection

Just as I was about to write this, Patti Stanger said — on last night’s Millionaire Matchmaker, not, like, from across the room — “Pancho Villa wants his jumpsuit back.” Patti, I don’t think Pancho Villa ever wore a jumpsuit, but I appreciate that effort. It’s difficult to come up with an appropriate historical jumpsuit wearer at a moment’s notice, I know. Personally, next time you are stuck for that reference, I advise going for noted historical freedom fighter John Travolta.

That being said, I agree with you that a skirt is  almost always better. SEE:

Not terrible-terrible, but wouldn’t it be cuter if it were a dress? As it is, the cut of this, paired with her body, makes her look a bit like she’s about to tip over. Wouldn’t she look less like an animal-flavored ice cream cone if it ended in something that weren’t tapered pants? Let’s take a look from the side:

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Fugsia Raisa

I have had this sitting in my lightbox for a few days, hoping the perfect bon mot would come to me.

It has not. And while that may be due to my incapability of crafting the perfect bon mot, I think it’s because this outfit is so bad, the perfect bon mot would be wasted on it. Like putting truffle oil on tripe, or basting a shoe in peanut butter. Also, now, the phrase “perfect bon mot” has lost all meaning, to the point where my stomach is interpreting it as “perfect bonbon,” and now I just want candy. In a nutshell, then, this outfit is clearly making me fat. THANKS, outfit. I hope you’re happy with yourself, you piney satin balloon. I hope you at least made her car smell like Christmas.


The World According to Fug

“So, a cut-to-the-navel jumpsuit means I’m still relevant, right? RIGHT?!?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO SO NO ONE THINKS I AM IRRELEVANT? I WILL DO IT. Murder someone? Okay.  Have a baby? I’ll do it. Marry some random dude after 24 hours? Done. Marry a baby after 24 hours? I CAN DO THAT. SOMEONE JUST TELL ME HOW TO STILL BE RELEVANT. I WILL DO IT. I SWEAR I WILL DO IT.”


Kim And Kourtney Fug New York

So, I’m feeling really good about Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy douchelord.

I mean, you know the old saying: The couple that matches its dock shoes and heinous ’70s reptilian jumpsuit together, stays together.

[Photo: WENN.com]