You know how sometimes you’ll be dating someone and you REALLY like them and you just keep thinking, “dear God, please don’t let him be [DEALBREAKER],” because you know you’ll have to break it off if they’re [a Scientologist/a vegan/a Mets fan/a chewing tobacco enthusiast/an ardent manscaper/an OJ Simspon apologist/a Real Housewives megafan (that one's me -- in the sense that I am one, not in the sense that I can't deal with that)/whatever your particular dealbreaker is] and even though you know you can’t live with someone who is home making scrapbooks of the collected works of Lisa Vanderpump (NOT ME although I totally look for her every time I pass her restaurant — I love her, you guys!), breaking up with them is just going to suck? Because when you find out that they are big fans of crystal meth or whatever, what dies is the awesome person you imagined they were. THAT is how I feel about her:
YOU ARE SO ADORABLE. PLEASE DON’T TURN INTO LINDSAY LOHAN. It will just do me in.