Rock of Fuges

Man. One inauspicious bump into Josh Duhamel’s lit cigarette, and Malin Akerman would’ve been starring in Crotch of Ages. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh my God. It’s too early in the week for me to be this embarrassing — if this is Monday, then by Friday I’ll have sunk to writing only filthy limericks and/or strange sounds spelled out in bizarre strings of consonants.

[Photos: Getty, WENN]

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Comments (32):

  1. Kato

    In this dress she looks like the lovechild of Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson.

  2. Evalyn

    Dirty limericks? Bizarre strings of consonants? Better than that dress, at any rate.

  3. Lilywise

    I think she looks quite fetching in that last dress (the first one shall pass without comment because I’ll just sound like an old lady clutching my pearls). And that makes me even sadder about Chastain’s hideous version of the dress. It’s not just that Chastain’s dress was so bad (which it was) but it also didn’t fit her right, she paired it with disastrous shoes, and the length made her look stumpy. I feel like Chastain is verging into Christina Hendricks’ territory: Girl, learn how to dress the perfectly lovely body that you have.

  4. Libby

    G*d, I feel old! So many holes and thigh-high slits! So much unlined sheer fabric!
    Is it too much to ask actresses to wear a dress that, at minimum, can accommodate underwear? Bring on the dirty limericks!

  5. laura

    I don’t care how perfect a body you might have, you should never go out of the house (let alone an event) wearing something like that!

  6. BrownEyedBetty

    Caesar’s Man Garnish. XD

  7. teekay

    I am tired, so, so, tired, of the ridiculous “leg jutting out of thigh-high slit” poses. That trend can’t end soon enough for me.

  8. Elizabeth

    You know, the cut-outs give this dress a weird optical illusion quality of rendering Malin Akerman straight-up-and-down like a boy. It, like, cancels out any curves she has, somehow. It’s a weird effect and not one that I think I would go looking for in a dress: can I get one that makes me look like I’m shaped like a dude with boobs?

    Having said that, I, too, am so very tired of this thigh-high-slit-stick-out-the-leg ridiculousness. I saw the thumbnail and just felt tired. It was a while before I could summon the strength to wonder why on Earth anyone would wear Frederick’s of Hollywood Formals For Shim.

    • Julie

      I was just coming to say something similar. It’s really not flattering her shape at all.

      • witjunkie

        Me too. I was going to say, this dress should have been saved for a girl with more of an hourglass figgah. I just assumed she had one of those Gwyneth column waistlines. But maybe it’s dress doing that. Or the pose; her weight being on the covered up leg is taking her hip away. In any case, yawn. Big cutout, lots of flesh. Seen it.

    • Edith

      THIS. Gratuitous semi-nudity, yawn. Legs for days, weeks, months, snore. Can’t imagine it’s comfortable, whatever. BUT THIS DRESS IS HORRIBLY UNFLATTERING. If she looked good in it, we wouldn’t care (much) that she is semi-nude, legs ahoy, and uncomfortable. But she doesn’t look good. She looks like a linebacker. Her waist is non-existent. Any curves are completely cancelled out by the lines of the cutouts. What a terrible thing to do to a great body.

  9. gladly

    Oh. That dress just looks sad and a little desperate. I know her career hasn’t been that great, but I didn’t think she was at “show as much skin as possible to make sure my picture ends up some place” territory. I think JLo’s green Grammy dress was the only dress to actually pull that off well.

  10. richard

    girls ~

    please don’t forget to post giant photos of SELENA GOMEZ and her macy’s promotional for her new fragrance.

    ridiculous amounts of Legnesss…

  11. Leah

    I think the point of these over-revealing dresses is to make us gasp, She’s naked and her body’s INCREDIBLE! But when I’m gasping, She’s naked and she’s shaped like a toaster! something went wrong.

    • Eliza Bennett

      ..shaped like a toaster!” I love this. Also, my sister is named Leah, so I feel I know you. Come over and we’ll do each other’s nails!

  12. Kris

    I know nothing about her love life but this screams “break-up dress” to me. She’s trying to prove to someone that she’s not all sugary sweet.

  13. meggyoh

    This trend needs to stop.

  14. pinkcheese

    Setting aside the complete inappropriateness of that dress even daring to exist, she simply doesn’t have the body for it. I’m not body shaming, I promise. I mean, she’s got a fabulous one. Really! But as a lady with (for all intents and purposes) no waist myself, I am unfortunately aware that certain designs are going to look like crap, regardless of how fit we are. That cut-out was never going to do anything other than make her look several inches wider than she actually is.

  15. Jo

    Heather, I believe there was a typo. Are you sure when writing about the shoes you didn’t mean ‘painful nudity’…?

    Also agree with the comments about the dress making her look boyish and cancelling any curves. Sexy dress fail.

  16. Art Eclectic

    On special this week at Strippers-R-Us! $29.99 including shoes!

  17. Lina

    Dear Malin, you did not invent vulva. Stop thinking you’ve got a lead on the next big thing.

  18. JanetP

    I have officially reached the point where I would prefer someone to be completely nude on the red carpet instead of wearing ridiculous crap like this.

  19. fiatluxury

    feh. I saw blonde and ugly dress and leg and “rock of ages” background and thought, oh JULIANNE, wasn’t dressing skankily in the movie enough for you? And then it was Malin instead. Who is 10 years older than Julianne, and should know better.

  20. Shiitake

    Malin really needs to quit the Crotchtacular Club.

  21. francesca

    After this photo-op, Malin will be in the lobby offering samples of her new fragrance, Eau de Desperate. If the clothes won’t turn a head or two, then her fragrance (no doubt a sugary sweet vanilla concoction) will. Nothing about this outfit is appealing.

  22. vandalfan

    This would be palatable if there was no cut out and three inches less slit. The shoes I like …?

  23. Helen

    So unflattering. I don’t know how a dress can make a body that good look this bad!

    But I kind of love the beige-ish with the gold leaves. Somehow it works with her coloring.

  24. TaraMisu

    Ugh…. why? Why? This dress is horrid. She looks so square and …. I guess desperate IS the right word here. I too long of the leg-thrust era to be over….
    Those shoes make my feet hurt just looking at them.

  25. Sajorina

    I love her hair, makeup, nailpolish, jewelry, clutch & shoes with the 1st dress, but the dress would’ve benefited from more fabric to cover that hole in her midsection and her hip! Still, her skin is flawless & those legs are to die for, so 1/2 FAB! But, the 2nd dress + hair & makeup + jewelry + clutch + shoes = PERFECTION!!! An absolute WIN… FAB! Love it! Want it! COVET!

  26. Ms. A.

    It looks like she got that dress at discount stripper. Like as a set that comes with a g-string.

  27. Lily1214

    “Crotch of Ages” – very funny. But seriously, from a distance this gown becomes bizarre.