Fug Madness Round Two: Charo Bracket, part II


(3) JESSICA BIEL v. (6) CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

In which two ladies with great genes ABUSE THEM BRUTALLY. For example, Biel gave herself Avian Flu:

While Hendricks infested herself with some kind of applique-related creeping crud, which I can only assume is related to her Mold Attack.

Poor Biel spent much of the summer suffering from a severe case of Rufflomania:

Not to mention its related malady, One Arm Caftanictonia, a mild case of the Musty Drabstwice!

Hendricks has a severe and possibly incurable case of Remitting and Relapsing OUCH:

Is it better to suffer from OUCH, or from Severe Advanced Geriatricitosis? Ask yourself that hard question:

Because this looks itchy. And it’s no better with the coat on.

Hendricks also suffers from a brutal case of the Ruts. Namely, the black and white ones, and while the black and white is a delicious cookie — look to the cookie, Jerry! — it gets a little stale in your wardrobe after a while:

Even that dude is skeptical.

And here, she seriously looks like a NYSE docent reporting for work in her polyester uniform:

Speaking of bad pants, though, we can’t go through a bracket featuring Jessica Biel without revisiting The Crotcheted Pants of Horror:

I need to lay down.

Archives: Jessica Biel, Christina Hendricks

(7) DIANE KRUGER v. (2) HEIDI KLUM

Or: the battle of the blonde models.

I present this without comment:

Kruger at least has the accumulated wisdom to know that the best way to distract us from the fringe and feathers and folderol on HER dress is Pacey:

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, is the window on the back of Klum’s jumpsuit/blazer ensemble the eyes to her torso?

This outfit is CLEARLY designed to be the eyes to Kruger’s rib cage:

And this is basically The Eyes To EVERYTHING, and I wish my own eyes were wide shut:

After that little number, this frock of Kruger’s seems sincerely SINCERELY demure, even though it has its own Window To Her Thighs:

But that is so sincerely NOT all. Klum also went semi-naked to the Emmys, and also to the Met Gala. She repeated her Lace Sheer Leggy look here, and here and  — oh, just look at her archives. They are EXTREME.

Kruger’s are no less dramatic, all full of berets, and more berets, and Heidi braids, and top knots, and Pacey. Always some Pacey.

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Comments (42):

  1. Sylvia
    0

    I know Hendricks has the most ill-fitting clothes this side of Lena Dunham, but I cannot vote against the rejected Golden Girls pantsuit. That thing is Sweet 16 material for me.

    Klum, and it’s not even close.

  2. Kate S
    0

    Biel smacks of desperation to me. I wouldn’t find her interesting if she was juggling flaming cats.

  3. Orange Clouds
    0

    Hendricks for managing to look herself dumpy despite what she has been given by nature.

    And the battle of the German blondes is definitely won by Frau Klum, put it away lady.

  4. Kendall
    0

    I *cannot* believe that Christina is beating Jessica. Jessica deserves Final Four on those crochted pants alone.

    Christina Hendricks is just clueless about her clothing; she may be fug but she’s not intentionally so (I think). That being said she really needs to step it up and learn how to wrangle her girls because next year I won’t champion her otherwise.

    Jessica, on the other hand, is intentionally fug but believes herself to be high fashion. And she’s not doing it the way Diane Kruger does, where DK is taking risks and is at least wearing halfway interesting items. Mrs. Timberlake manages to be simultaneously fug and boring.

    Biel deserves to go farther, Fug Nation.

  5. Karen
    0

    I don’t want a case of Rufflomania — but I read it as Ruffalomania — then yes, I’ll take a case of that.

  6. jen310
    0

    Christina wins this because she could do sooo much with what she has – which is that banging body of hers. She has the body of a WOMAN. She needs to show the world that just because you don’t have a stick figure you can still dress your ass off. Biel is boring and slightly misguided with her fug but Christina’s fug is a crime against her body and her breasts. They deserve better.

    Heidi suffers from the same affliction that Halle Berry suffers from, Trying to hard to prove you still got ititis. We get it, you got the bod, you got the face, you don’t have to prove it to yourself or the rest of the world. Put it away, ladies. Heidi FTW.

    BTW, Diane Kruger rocks her fug shit like no one else.

    • pantsonfire
      0

      Pretty much all of this.

    • Beth
      0

      Agreed! I hate that Christina seems to deliberately dress dowdy.

      On an unrelated note, The Consumerist always does a bracket where you can vote for the worst company in America. The “winner” gets a golden poo trophy (don’t ask) from the site. Does GFY plan to present this year’s “winner” with a trophy?

    • Goldfish
      0

      I get the “real woman” figure movement, but Hendricks is nowhere near a regular woman. So a “yay for a real figure!” cheer is not in order. And she TRULY cannot dress herself to accommodate her body. I had to vote for her fug because I always think she needs to acknowledge her plentiful assets and dress as though she does know her bra size. The “my clothes cannot contain my gi-normous boobs” thing is getting so, so old.

  7. Erin
    0

    Hendricks’ misappropriate of her assets makes me actually angry, and without the Biebs and KKardash she might make it to the top. That’s how angry her style makes me. Biel is a goober, but Hendricks…argh! It wasn’t even close.

    Jen310–you’ve got that right. Kruger works her fug to make it amazingly LESS fug, just because she’s working it. I admire that in a woman.

  8. Helen
    0

    Yes, but the prison jumpsuit that would result might at least be flattering. Biel does look good in sportswear.

  9. Jenny
    0

    My first thought almost every time I see Heidi is that whatever she is wearing would be so reviled by the judges on Runway. Tacky, Desperate and/or Cheap looking for so many of these things…sigh.

  10. Stefanie
    0

    Oh man. How are Beil’s crocheted pants of doom not beating the pants off Christina?

  11. Nicole
    0

    For me, Biel should be fugging Hendricks up and down the street. While Hendricks has certainly done unforgivable crimes to her body with her wardrobe, I have a feeling that we’re not quite there yet because she hasn’t figured out how to dress her body. It’s either too squished or too matronly. Biel seems to be trying for ‘edge’ without having any believable edginess to her and the results are cracktacular.

    For the other fug-up, Heidi hands down. I love me some Kruger whimsy and I love that she goes for different fashion looks. We know Heidi’s M.O. and it’s just saaaad now. And tacky.

    Plus Pacey is the best accessory ever, sooo…

    • Sarah B
      0

      I agree. I feel like Hendricks just can’t get past the old “black is slimming” adage and is running with it rather than just recognizing she has a banging body and dressing the hell out of it. Plus I imagine she faces significantly more difficulties in finding things that fit properly in the first place. Biel has no excuse. She has the body of a model, a bajillion dollars to hire a good stylist and whatever she wants, and yet she still manages to look either like sexy grandma or an alien lady of the night.

    • TonyG
      0

      ^^This^^

  12. Elle
    0

    Part of dressing your body-no matter how attractive one might be otherwise- is coming to terms with your actual size. Hendricks seems incapable or unwilling to do that.

  13. Sandra
    0

    Biel sometimes wears clothes that fit her properly. Hendricks never, ever, does that. And it’s not because there aren’t nice clothes that can be tailored to her figure.

    Klum looks desperate and rather down-market in what she’s been wearing lately. Kruger sometimes fails in her fashion experimentation, but she seems to know herself and be completely comfortable with the knowledge. And really, that does more for one’s aura of attractiveness than anything one does or doesn’t wear.

  14. TonyG
    0

    My choices: Biel and Klum.

    The Klum choice needs no explanation.

    Biel vs. Hendricks was also easy for me. Christina Hendricks seems defeated, most times, a bit of a sad sack with her clothes. I really do not believe she dresses like this out of any real effort to get it right most times. Biel is the opposite. She is so NOT defeated. She is lookin’ “fine” and she “knows” it and makes every effort not to bring the fug, and she still does.

  15. Heather
    0

    I also vote Biel. Christina Hendricks is beautiful and has great curves, but her degree of difficulty is thereby a lot higher — Biel has a LOT MORE available to her, and she still makes awful choices.

  16. Claudia
    0

    Biel is just so boring. Even if her outfits are fug, I can’t remember them for longer than 5 minutes. Snore. I can’t support this with my vote.

    Klum is so try hard and annoying, whereas Kruger always looks amazing to me. So creative and daring. She’s working it!

  17. The Other Molly
    0

    Krueger could have showed up in Ke-dollar sign-sha clothes and I STILL would have voted for Klum.
    That is how deep and abiding my dislike for “I love myself so much” Klum is.

  18. agcons
    0

    Biel vs. Hendricks came down to the sequinned pantsuit vs. the satin strapless number. Hendricks won, because I cannot understand why she so rarely looks good, and because that dress makes her look grotesque.

    Klum, hands (and everything else) down. Up is good too, Heidi, you should give it a try sometime.

  19. ANNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAA
    0

    I have Christina Hendricks’s exact body. My tits never look so tortured.

  20. Cassie
    0

    You know, I’m just . . . I adore Christina Hendricks, and she’s so pretty. I’m just tired of it. Almost every time she shows up to something, her assets have been mismanaged in the worst way. I mean, she clearly has a stylist who doesn’t know how to dress that amazing figure. She’s well-paid. She should get one who does.

  21. Inari
    0

    *sigh*
    I have to pick Christina Hendricks, because by now she has to know she looks absolutely stunning in certain colours – it’s not like Joan is constantly dressed in black, white or beige. Also, considering that my proportions are pretty close to hers, and I still manage to dress myself on a minimal budget, it is pretty obvious her atrocious choices cannot be explained by anything but lack of taste.

  22. Sajorina
    0

    I voted for Hendricks & Klum because Oh, THE FUG!

  23. Nancy
    0

    Hendricks, because she is always trying to smoosh her boobs into something that doesn’t fit. A crime again boobs.

    Kruger takes chances, and sometimes fails, so looks odd sometimes. Klum looks obscene most of the time. No contest. Klum takes it away. I think she might make it to the top this year!!!

  24. pantsonfire
    0

    Heavens. We need to eliminate Biel from this competition ASAP because every time I see that white feather peplum number, it grows on me. The first time I saw it, I thought it was comically awful. Now, however, I open the page and I’m like, “hmmm.” Please, let us dispense with the Biel, if only to save me from the shame of eventually coming to like that white feather peplum getup.

  25. tigers4us
    0

    As a redhead, I support Christina. Unfortunately, that means choosing her over Biel. It seems that we applaud Hendricks whenever she does marginally well, and that’s too bad. I don’t know if it’s lack of a stylist, or a good stylist, but really, she can do so much better (she looks great in Mad Men!). As for the the 2 K’s, Kruger may come up with a few misses, but it’s always interesting. Klum is an exhibitionist and has no class.

  26. camille
    0

    I might have meant to vote Biel, but I fell asleep while looking at her.

    Also, is it wrong that I do kind of like that Creeping Applique Disease dress on Hendricks? I mean, it certainly wants an iron and she should probably not have bothered with a push-up bra (because GIRL. We KNOW.), but compared to a lot of what she’s wearing, it fits her pretty well. And I don’t even think it’s all that bad-looking as a dress!

  27. Helen
    0

    I never really understand why we’re even looking at Kruger. She is just so bland and uninteresting to me.