Fug Madness 2013, Round One: Cher Bracket, part II


(3) ANNE HATHAWAY vs. (14) BEYONCE

These are two women whose Years In Fashion don’t have a lot in common, so it’s going to be a really odd one to ponder.

Anne’s recent fugtastical offerings are probably etched with unfortunate vigor on our frontal lobes. There was the pink satin helltube; a cocktail dress that a bunch of drunk birds and mice with grand delusions tacked an overskirt to and called it a gown; and the never-nips heard ’round the world (obviously we couldn’t see her ACTUAL breasts, but the mere fact that we had to stare SO HARD at them to confirm that is a Prada fail). But perhaps some of her earlier nightmares escaped your memories.

In other words: Summer fuggin’, had her a blast; summer fuggin’, shapeless and vast…

Grabbed a shroud made by Gucci; looked like a lost Shakespearean faerie.

Summer fug, something’s been dug, out of granny’s moldy estate. (WHOA WHOA WHOA.)

Tell me more, tell me more: Were there heinous big sleeves?

(Yes.) Tell me more, tell me more: Did her shoe choice aggrieve?

Okay, I need to stop with the Grease. Basically, Anne did a lot of playing with volume and shapes and levels of edge. But her persona, when she speaks, has all the edge of melted butter, and it’s notable that for the two heavily watched awards shows she went baby-soft with her fashion. So the rest of this — chiefly the Tom Ford dominatrix shoes and the sleeping back strapped to her back — just feels like a kid playing dress-up, but looking a clown.

And we haven’t even touched on her awful Oscar post-party drape, a cocktail frock whose mullet puts hockey coifs to shamethis white Prabal Guring that I really hated on her, Baroness von Fringe, and Captain Eek and the Meshy Slouchathon.

Man, I’m tired just typing how often Anne was out and about this year. Beyonce, conversely, didn’t hit the scene much. But when she did:

This dress, shockingly, made a lot of best-dressed lists. For me, that’s people confusing “attractive” with “OMG I can’t stop looking at it in case a butt cheek falls out.” In fact, the nude-look was big for Bey this year — she wore this to the premiere of her HBO vanityfest, and it’s boobylicious, but it also draws your eye right to the space between her legs. Which is creepy. And then there’s her transparent casualwear:

Strangely, it’s not even the visible bra that’s tripping me up here, so much as the GHASTLY fit of the shorts. It looks like she’s wearing a codpiece. It’s polterwang, inflated. It’s Polteryonce.

And I unearthed this head-scratcher today as well:

This was the Sports Illustrated Sportsmen of the Year ceremony, and Beyonce looks like she’s in her jammies for popcorn and Soapdish.

So who takes it: The gadfly who smoked the fashion crack, or the one who veered wildly from BEYONCE TURNED UP TO ELEVEN to blah?

Archive: Anne Hathaway, Beyonce

[Link to poll if it's not showing up ARGH.]

(2) KAT GRAHAM vs. (15) AMANDA PEET

Let’s not pretend that the main reason Amanda Peet is here isn’t her Golden Globes Worst-Dressed win:

That is a hospital gown, not a party frock. You wear this to get your meds in a cup and some soothing OJ and maybe sit in a rocking chair playing backgammon with the catatonic girl from across the hall (you almost always win, which is confusing). It’s bad. But so was this:

Such a bad idea. She is Bad Idea Peet.

The thing is, I actually really like Amanda Peet. Studio 60 was an abomination, but despite horrible writing, she managed to be charming on it rather than irritating. I think for whatever reason, even if I don’t love her character, she manages to sell it to me. But she cannot sell me these clothes. It’s not happening. She’s married to one of the Game of Thrones EPs, too, so you’d think people would be a little more plugged in to offering her clothes. Somebody please call her.

Meanwhile, this outfit is pretty much the opposite of anything Amanda Peet has ever worn, ever, in the history of her everness.

This is basically the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, if it were held in 1994 in Victoria’s basement.

“The hip bone’s connected to the… fug bone…”

Girl, you are the most ridiculous delight.  This is like aerobics formalwear. Just tear away the skirt and feel the burn. She also offered up a bra-top gown with a purse that looks like a candy wrapper that went the wrong way through Wonka’s shrink ray; the offspring of a disco ball and a WWE Championship Belt; and oh my God this looks like surgery. These two could not be more opposite: Elaborate grabs for attention versus terrible, horrible, no good, very bad naps.

Archives: Kat Graham, Amanda Peet

[Link to poll if it's not showing up. ARGH x2]

(7) MORENA BACCARIN vs. (10) ZOSIA MAMET

I have been looking forward to this one. I might just present it to you in relative silence.

Whoa.

@!?#@!#

Uh.

ACK.

Oof.

WHA?

POW.

ZAP.

HISS.

SPIT-TAKE.

Archives: Morena Baccarin, Zosia Mamet

 

[Link to poll if it's not showing up. ARGH x3]

(6) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (11) LILY COLE

It was Jessica who argued hardest for Lily Cole to get an eleven seed. “But those PANTS,” she said. “YOU HAVE TO SEE THE PANTS.”

You do have to see the pants:

The kicker? She wore them twice. VOLUNTARILY. … Wait, I shouldn’t malign her thusly. We have no idea if it was voluntary. For all we know, she got into a huge fight with her mother and said mother burned all the rest of Lily’s clothes. Then again, it’s a terrible sign when it’s BETTER to assume your mother committed fashion arson. A little searching revealed that these are not her only offenses. First there was this:

And then it’s POSSIBLE that two days later — per the dates on the pictures — she also wore it again. I keep vacillating, but I THINK I see the collar peeking out from under the black coat? And these shorts look longer, but the pattern is awfully similar so maybe it’s just a trick of the light? So basically, either she wore one ugly thing twice in three days, or two very similar ugly things. Not that it matters. There is no absolution in Fug Madness.

This is horrible. This is what I imagine the ribbon rack in Candy Spelling’s old wrapping room looked like whenever she went on a massive gifting bender.

A mess. Chloe Sevigny knows a little something about messitude:

This photo makes me laugh every time I see it. THAT IS SO AWFUL. So cheerfully, unrepentantly nightmarish. It’s like sumo-punk-dominatrix-crack. I also giggle whenever I look at this outfit. Click that link. TREAT YO SELF. The look on her face, the cotton-candy puff of a sleeve where no sleeve needed to be — much less THAT particular sleeve — is a hilarious glory to behold. As was her Met Ball gown:

Y’all, Chloe Sevigny might be a fashion comedian. I think she wore this SPECIFICALLY to see how many A-listers would simultaneously check their makeup in her groin.

But there is nothing funny about this. It’s giving me vexation wrinkles. As is this, which is like her Big Love character crossed with that dark, dangerous time in 1996 where everyone wore Tevas.

Also unfunny. WHY, Chloe. Maybe it was for a role? Was this when she was filming American Horror Story: Asylum? Was she ever on-screen long enough for us to notice what her hair was doing? Also: WIGS. I appreciate committing to your art, but there’s no reason to subject yourself to this. Especially not at an event whose FOCUS is shampoo and the hair arts. They probably wanted to kick her out. Also, and this admittedly has nothing to do with clothes:

I just now decided that if they ever reboot The Golden Girls or make it into a movie, here is your Dorothy Zbornak. That is an I-don’t-suffer-fools glare the likes of which Bea Arthur is applauding from her lanai up in Heaven.

Archives: Chloe Sevigny, Lily Cole

[Link to poll if it doesn't show up. ARGH-O FUG YOURSELF.]

react:
Leave a reply

Comments (52):

  1. Heather
    0

    Hold tight for polls. No one is helping us figure out this one so we have to… guess, and stress.

    • Heather
      0

      AND every time we get a poll to show up — or even if we add it but it NEVER shows up — it deletes all the carriage returns from half the post so we have to redo the spacing. I need a vacation from pasting polls and hitting the “enter” key. Thanks for your patience.

      • SKS
        0

        Thank you for all the hard work and dealing with the frustrations so gracefully. I remember that you had issues with the polls before (was it last year where people had to enter a comment to see the polls?) and yet you still push on and recreate the magic every single year.

        Seriously. This is an oasis when we had apparently the most newsworthy snowstorm yesterday (CNN & ABC!). :P

        <3

  2. Elle
    0

    And the winners are: Kat Graham, Zosia Mamet, Chloe Sevigny.

    • PeggyOC
      0

      Zosia took it for me because Morena is missing a lot recently, she’s at least putting in an effort, vis combing her hair and looking bathed.

  3. Lynne
    0

    Okay. I am pretty much in love with Jay-Z’s expression in that SI Sportsman of the Year shot. He is definitely speaking directly to the audience here. “What is she wearing? It’s not just me, right? She looks insane. Tell me I’m not going to have to commit her.”

    • Carolina Girl
      0

      The dress that LeBron’s girl is wearing makes her look like two pigs fighting under a blanket.

  4. laura
    0

    I have no idea who Lilly Cole is, she put up quite a fight. However in the end I had to vote for Chloe, that first photo makes me cringe every single time!

    • Trent
      0

      How could the Chloe vs. Lily contest be this close? Yes, Lily had THOSE PANTS, but Chloe had EVERY OTHER CRACKTACULAR OUTFIT. And a mullet!

  5. Kris
    0

    I love that Body Shop picture of Lily Cole. The wall is saying “LOOK GOOD”, and the dress is saying “NO, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.”

  6. Katharine
    +1

    I can’t help wondering if Lily Cole’s recent fashion stumbles have to do with her putting on weight. She was a runway model, right? She’s definitely not runway model sized any more. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t look “fat” to me, and I think she’s gorgeous (her elf-face gets me every time) but she also looks a pretty comfy, average fleshiness for a woman of her height, rather than as though she could be slid through a drinking straw with ease as long as her hipbones didn’t slit the plastic.

  7. Alice
    0

    That Lily Cole/Chloe Sevigny vote was so freakin’ hard.

    • Rebecca
      0

      Yes! That was the most agonized I’ve been since this started. I finally flipped a coin and went with Lily Cole, if only because I’m fond of Sevigny being, well, Sevigny.

  8. Sonya
    +1

    No, please, do not ever stop with Grease.

  9. Miriam
    0

    Why is Zosia Mamet so angry?

  10. ab
    0

    read a blog today saying that chloe is their style icon. vote for just that alone.

  11. Big Noise
    0

    “This is horrible. This is what I imagine the ribbon rack in Candy Spelling’s old wrapping room looked like whenever she went on a massive gifting bender.”

    Classic. Heather, you and Jessica are always brilliant, but you’ve been in especially fine form this Fug Madness.

  12. Aria
    0

    I think Zosia Mamet is a STRONG contender for Champion.

  13. jen310
    0

    Anne wins strictly for the fact that this was HER YEAR and she wiffed so badly at the Oscars – photographic evidence that will be shown for the rest of her life – when she should have hit a grand slam. If you can’t do it right at the Oscars (which you knew you were going to win) you then you should just not be allowed to do anything – IN LIFE.

    Kat Graham is freaking fugtastic. What a joy, what a delight, her fugly ways are. So very pretty, so fugly dressed. Kat FTW.

    Zosia fug stylings are migraine inducing. You just want to shut out the bright light and take to your bed until you can see straight again. Morena can’t compete with that crazy fug.

    The best match up so far is the Sev vs. Lily Cole. Lily was a strong (very strong) opponent. She fought hard. But the Sev was mightier. God, the Sev’s fug is delicious. Her fug is some cracked-out, messed-up shit and I love every bit of it. The Sev FOREVER, FOR ALWAYS.
    LONG LIVE THE SEV!

    • Catwoman
      0

      Totally agree with you! The Sev is cracktacular at its best! FTW The Sev!

  14. The Other Molly
    0

    Hathaway wins everything, right?
    Even when she doesn’t deserve it.
    No one, but no one can out-fug The Sev.
    Cold beer, hard liquor and appetizers are being served on the veranda.

  15. deee
    0

    Anne Hathaway’s moldy granny dress makes me laugh out loud because I CAN NOT unsee the giant man parts outline on the front of the dress.

  16. Claire
    0

    Is it just me or does Lily Cole look like Honey Boo Boo?

    • camille
      0

      Oh my GOD. You’re right – this is Honey Boo Boo’s future. Cannot unsee.

      I mean, that’s not bad in and of itself, Lily Cole is a perfectly nice-looking girl, but to be honest Honey Boo Boo dresses better.

  17. Sara
    0

    Lily Cole’s pants reign supreme.

    I’m so amazed that Zosia looks so unhappy in all these photos but is contagiously bubbly on Girls. Kudos to her, but she still wins.

  18. Minutiae
    0

    Heather–Not that it excuses the STYLING of it, but that awful shot of Chloe’s hair was when she was filming AHS:A, and the shaving of her head was a pretty pronounced scene in the series. That said–better styling!

  19. Amanda In Austin
    0

    Chloe v. Lily is the toughest choice yet. I cannot decide!

    • Louise
      0

      I just voted for LC by mistake, two people please vote for Chloe so justice is done!

  20. Crystal
    0

    As a celebrity, I love Beyonce more than Anne ( though I find nothing wrong with either of them), but it was a lot easier for me to make a decision when I asked myself, “whose closet would I rather raid?” I would pick Anne’s, therefore Beyonce’s fug reigns supreme.

  21. cremebrulee
    0

    Heh. Sometimes I vote for the older woman, because I’m thinking “you should KNOW better!” But sometimes I vote for the younger one, because I’m thinking, “you are too young to head down this road – take this as a wake-up call!!” And if I’m torn, the most tasteless display of skin usually gets my vote.

  22. Lindsay
    0

    I vote for Hathaway purely because I DESPISE HER. I wish she’d shut up, and go hole away with her boring husband forever, and take her musty old dresses with her. Viva la Bey!

  23. Sylvia
    0

    I voted Anne, Kat, Zosia and Lily.

    I know Chloe is the worst, but the crimes against pants going on in Lily Cole’s world, ouch. And she wore the same pants twice. I’m not against that at all in real life, as I do it all the time. but I also don’t own pants that look like…that.

    Kat’s fug is so fun, but it is still extremely fug. Zosia may go far. The fact that she never smiles always makes it so much worse. But even if she did, ouch.

  24. camille
    0

    I do kind of love Sev’s hair when she’s wearing the tiny records dress at the Met Ball.

  25. pantsonfire
    0

    So, I discussed this with my significant other last night. All along, I fugged Hathaway, and looking back on it, it’s even fuglier than I remembered. And I was remembering a lot of irritating fug. HOWEVER, given what I recently learned about Beyonce’s proclivities toward wearing as many types of animal skins and furs as possible, including but not limited to, possibly, actual ELEPHANT skin, I had to vote with my conscience. Beyonce got the fug vote. Her sartorial choices are both cruel and vile. Whereas, say what you will, but Anne is an actual vegan and had a version of those silly dominatrix boots specially vegan-made. I know this issue doesn’t matter for many fug voters,and that’s fine. But for me, it absolutely changed my vote.

    People must not neglect to zoom in on those Lilly Cole pants. Decapitated bird heads impaled on sticks. It was one of the most memorable outfits of the year.

    • Helen
      0

      Damn. I just assumed that Beyoncé wore fakes. That actually would have changed my vote, too.

      And now I’m even more glad I went Cole. There really ARE bird heads on sticks there!

  26. Edith
    0

    Wow. The only bracket where I’m really swimming against the tide. I thought Hathaway had a pretty good year, and while she whiffed the Oscars, no WAY do I agree that she was the worst dressed there. She was just disappointing, and very publicly chose the lesser dress. Nothing she wore competes with any of Bey’s terrible choices.

    Amanda Peet is just missing by a mile. Kat Graham is screaming for attention, but I’ve seen much worse in this competition. Amanda is just really confused about what looks good.

    I feel like Zosia is trying to wrestle with how she feels about fashion and trying, and so we get these very strange fits and starts, but Morena Baccarin has the face and body of a goddess, and she dresses it SO BADLY. sigh.

    And Chloe has an asthetic – a weird one, yes, but somehow she works it – while Lily wins for those pants, alone.

    Sigh. Nobody understands me here. (By here, I mean only the Cher bracket. I’m generally with the majority in every other one, I’m just being overly melodramatic.)

  27. Helen
    0

    I voted Hathaway just for her crimes against boobs in general.

    The Sev is unfairly maligned for that shaved side of hair – not only was it for a role, it was done on-screen to her AHS character. So I love that she’s owning it even though it wasn’t a personal choice. Also, I thought it looked adorable when it had grown out a little but was still really punky for her appearances in Portlandia.

    Cole took that one for me, just because she has no aesthetic of her own. Sevigny’s style may not appeal to everyone, and not always to me either, but she has style.

  28. Margot Liggett Nack
    0

    oh man, this was the toughest vote in the bracket so far. I mean, Lily looks totally absurd. But I just have to vote for Sevigny – because my hatred for her fugliness and horrific “style” has lasted so long it’s actually a big part of my identity. If Lily was up against almost anyone else I would’ve given her the vote.

  29. Jackie
    0

    WTF is going on with Zosia Mamet? It’s like she’s TRYING to look ugly. I’m so confused.

  30. Stefanie
    0

    Hmmm. Zosia might be the dark horse this year. I had forgotten it was that bad!!

    As for Hathaway. Her moldy musty dress has really grown on me. (Ha. Punny.) I hated it at first but the longer I look at the more I like it. And paired with the pixie? Yep. Im growing mold.

  31. Bella
    0

    I’m not sure it’s fair to include Zosia, who may be a total depressive.

  32. Willa W
    0

    Thanks for all your amazing hard work girls. Have been looking forward to coming home and voting all day. Not even kidding.

    Anne H.: She has a stylist and every designer would love to dress her. She looks amazing with a pixie cut. She has great shoulders. She has zero excuses.

    Amanda P.: Dressing as a psychiatric patient. Never okay.

    Zosia M: If you’re gonna wear ridiculous clothes, do grin and bear it, don’t be grim and bear it.

    Lily C.: For Sevigny, it seems almost compulsory to wear ridic outfits in the hope of being noticed. Lily is pretty and intelligent and should know so so so much better.

  33. Lynnlynn
    0

    DAMN. This was almost next to impossible. Lily cole really gave the Sev a run for her money. But as with most things Fug, I had to give it to Sev. Girl OWNS her fuggery, and wears it like a badge of honor. LIKE A BOSS.

    • ML
      0

      This comment itself — the part about “LIKE A BOSS” — is a thing of beauty and, were I able to vote it a Well-Played, I just want you know that yes — I would. *sniff* [dabs at eyes with overpriced ladies' haberdashery]

      Excuse me. I … I need a moment here. Okay. *sniff* *sniff* There… I can go on.

  34. Chris P
    0

    OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU GUYS THINK ZOSIA MAMET IS FUGLIER THAN MORENA BACCARIN

    OR RATHER FUGSIA FUGMET (OF FUGIRLS) IS FUGLIER THAN FUGRENA FUGFUGRIN (OF FUGLAND)

    (I mean, they’re both fugly, but if anything, Lena Dunham was the Girl who fugged harder this year. I COULDN’T.)

    …also, I shouldn’t fug and drink.

    Also, I voted for Sefugny even though I had Cole going to the third round – mostly because the last picture won it for me. No, it’s not fug, BUT it is the Sev. Seriously, this is a round where attitude wins, and holy hell is that a “Girl, please, you only seeded me SIXTH this year?” stare.

  35. TonyG
    0

    My picks were Anne, Kat, Zosia and Chloe.

    Anne had some really great stuff, but so many awful things too. Beyonce just did not have enough fug this year.

    Kat was so very easy. She’ll make the Elite 8.

    Zosia was just a hot mess nearly all year.

    Chloe vs. Lily was closer than I thought. Chloe brought the fug more often, and I think she brought it sometimes thinking she looked pretty good…Such misplaced confidence deserves to be rewarded.

  36. agcons
    0

    Once again I’m wondering what the hell is going on with the front of Hathaway’s granny print dress. Did her ass do a 180 and sag? Did she pack a lunch in case she got peckish? Is her husband hiding under there?

    While Peet’s Polka-Dots make the saddest of sacks, they cannot compete with Graham.

    Zosia Mamet looks dreadful, especially that last photograph above.

    Cole and Sevigny was really tough. Cole’s pants, both the long and the short of them, were godawful. However, Chloe had to take it, especially for that Kinex dress.

  37. Nora
    0

    None of the polls will show up on my iPad. Not on the original post, or in the emergency link. Curses! Thanks, H &J for trying to figure it out, but…no go.

  38. ML
    0

    The one bracket that, so far, I can say this: Did it. Nailed it. Loved it.

    Oh, I’ve learned, y’all: Never, ever bet against the Sev. These young upstarts will seem to have her down and out and the Sev will nail that winning Hail Mary shot with :02 on the clock from ALLLLLLL the way down the court and leave you standing there gaping all open-mouthed like Miley Cyrus laying eyes on her first Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco at the Sunset Strip Taco Bell.

  39. Franziska
    0

    Zosia Mamet got my vote because she matches her facial expression to her clothes… mainly miserable. Hathaway got my vote months ago when she showed up in that monstrosity of a black dress with her pocket flask strapped to her thigh (and who knows what else she hid in there).