(4) SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. (13) MELISSA GEORGE
God bless Fug Madness. Without having to pore through our archives, I would COMPLETELY forget that things like this ever happened.
That hair looks like it’s trying to run away. Amazing. It’s amazing. I have been laughing for five minutes now. Did she ride there by hanging her head out the limo?
Unbelievably, I also forgot that this happened:
SPEECHLESS. I am speechless. It’s like her pelvis was decorated for bravery. In fact, Melissa George did a lot worse this year than I thought. In addition to a red gown we called into question and some TREMENDOUSLY UNFORGIVABLE footwear, she also busted out this:
Pun fully intended.
That is some stringy blandness right there. Stringy Blandness, by the way, is obviously Stringer Bell’s lesser-known cousin who runs a copy shop in Peoria. Speaking of bland, though, if you covered up SJP’s face here I would probably guess that this was Jennifer Aniston.
SJP does have a pattern of picking odd outerwear, though. And you’d NEVER mistake her for Aniston in this:
Gwyneth may not have been the first person to wear a cape in public, but she was the best example of how to do it with actual subtlety, a concept that seems impossible until you compare that outfit with this one and wonder who drugged all the bulls to keep them away. PETA will be really mad about that.
Blazer. Shirt tails. Matching jeggings. Even Carrie Bradshaw might have words for this.
(8) SHAILENE WOODLEY vs. (9) JAIME KING
Shai and Jai have both had pretty big years, the former because of The Descendants, and the latter because she looks like an amnesiac war bride (in a way that I actually cherish, because it’s so entertaining) on Hart of Dixie. Unfortunately, of course, those clothes aren’t eligible, but we can certainly ding her for what she’s worn in promotion of her citrus-tinged alter ego.
I like to think this was her pitch to bring the Ren Faire to Bluebell, Alabama. And she thought the Heidi hair was so nice, she wore it twice — possibly, since these were on sequential nights, without ever taking it down in between. These were a tragic one-two punch for her, but by no means were they the only swing she took this year. She also went bridal on her thighs and all Book of Revelation on her torso.
And, all ACTUAL revelation:
And don’t forget this, which I almost did:
If I oozed gold lame from a sucking chest wound, I would put it to better use. Just saying.
So what does Ms. Shailene have to offer that compares?
Dumpy black thing: check.
Thigh veil and braids: check. With bonus hidden Whoopee Cushions.
Confusingly see-through thing: check. It’s like she ran afoul of a shrimping boat.
And then this happened.
Shailene’s archive is interesting, actually — it’s a lot of Fug of Fab stuff, and a LOT of things we liked that other people didn’t (the Oscars dress, for one). Let’s see if the overtness of Jaime King’s fuggery can outfug Shailene’s more elaborate yet debatable stuff. Or even her undebatable stuff. Welcome to the big leagues, Shailene.
(1) NICKI MINAJ vs. (16) KATHERINE HEIGL
For Heigl here, she’s a low seed because she didn’t do much this year except style herself like a kooky old broad.
I keep expecting her to open her mouth and sound like Mrs. Doubtfire: “Well, hellooOOOOooooo!”
I don’t even hate that coat, really. And I know she’s just out pumping gas, but dressed like that, she was also obviously on her way somewhere else. You don’t wear formal shorts, leopard booties, a sunshine yellow top, and a massive trench poncho unless you are aiming to Be Seen. And on her somehow it all adds up to Young Sharon Stone, but without the attendant aura of earned Wacky Divadom.
I won’t take issue with her clothes here — it’s Casual Whateverday — but this hair was SO BAD ON HER. SO BAD. HEIGL. YOU USED TO HAVE GOOD HAIR. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. She just generally caught a raging case of Woman Of A Certain Age Syndrome, which is fine if you ARE a WoCA, but she isn’t. Be young and fabulous while you are, in fact, young and fabulous.
Although maybe not to this extreme:
“Young and Fabulous” does not have to mean, “Prostitute on Planet Unicorn.”
It REALLY does not have to mean, “I robbed a Babies R Us and put the manager’s intestines on my head.”
And it usually does not involve a pseudo-Pope. This was the worst. I’m pretty sure she thought she was lighting the world on fire, but instead she actually made me NOSTALGIC for Lady Gagegg. And this was all just the tip of the Minajberg. We haven’t even talked about the day I realized we were soulmates, or what she wears when she’s actually trying to look semi-normal:
This is probably to Nicki Minaj what jeans and a t-shirt are for everyone else in the world. I’ll stick with denim.
(5) GINNIFER GOODWIN vs. (12) SHENAE GRIMES
Looking at this matchup again, I’m surprised we didn’t seed Shenae Grimes higher — I think it was because we had so many substantially MORE famous people jockeying for position. Then again, did any of them tap dance in jean shorts? Or dirty dance?
Or wear a denim diaper?
Or dress like the 90210: Original Flavor version of Sandy from Grease, with bonus polterwang?
Or… whatever this is? Lord, this is bad. The girl interned at Teen Vogue, for mercy’s sake. Either they’re not teaching, or she wore ear plugs.
Ginnifer Goodwin is likewise a stunning person who just CANNOT pull it together on the red carpet. Unlike the preternaturally cheery Shenae, though, she also seems terribly aggrieved by it, perhaps because it’s a version of art imitating life imitating art. On Once Upon A Time she is kind of a sad sack; in life, she wears sad sacks.
It chills me what that thing is doing to her hips. Look at it up close. It’s not just digging into her flesh; it’s making sand castles with it. And the shoes… Even Gisele back there is like, “I want to stare at her, but there is a camera, so I must make love to it first.”
This is the worst. It’s Marbled French Maid.
I’ve seen two other people in this dress since Ginnifer wore it, and no surprise, it hasn’t worked on them either. Elbows shouldn’t wear skirts. She also had an episode with arm spikes and a super hairy tapeworm. A lot of people picked Ginnifer to go far in Fug Madness, and she’s certainly got the goods; the question is whether she got lucky by drawing Ms. Grimes in round one, or whether she can send Shenae back to the 90210 with just one notch on her belt.