Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part II


God bless Fug Madness. Without having to pore through our archives, I would COMPLETELY forget that things like this ever happened.

That hair looks like it’s trying to run away. Amazing. It’s amazing. I have been laughing for five minutes now. Did she ride there by hanging her head out the limo?

Unbelievably, I also forgot that this happened:

SPEECHLESS. I am speechless. It’s like her pelvis was decorated for bravery. In fact, Melissa George did a lot worse this year than I thought. In addition to a red gown we called into question and some TREMENDOUSLY UNFORGIVABLE footwear, she also busted out this:

Pun fully intended.

And this:

That is some stringy blandness right there. Stringy Blandness, by the way, is obviously Stringer Bell’s lesser-known cousin who runs a copy shop in Peoria. Speaking of bland, though, if you covered up SJP’s face here I would probably guess that this was Jennifer Aniston.

SJP does have a pattern of picking odd outerwear, though. And you’d NEVER mistake her for Aniston in this:

Gwyneth may not have been the first person to wear a cape in public, but she was the best example of how to do it with actual subtlety, a concept that seems impossible until you compare that outfit with this one and wonder who drugged all the bulls to keep them away. PETA will be really mad about that.

And let us not forget her shimmering Met Ball throttler, nor her proclivity for overwrought cranial accessories, nor this:

Blazer. Shirt tails. Matching jeggings. Even Carrie Bradshaw might have words for this.

This being just the start, for both of them, take a tour of Melissa’s and SJP’s archives, and see if I missed anything that tickles you especially fugly.

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Shai and Jai have both had pretty big years, the former because of The Descendants, and the latter because she looks like an amnesiac war bride (in a way that I actually cherish, because it’s so entertaining) on Hart of Dixie. Unfortunately, of course, those clothes aren’t eligible, but we can certainly ding her for what she’s worn in promotion of her citrus-tinged alter ego.

I like to think this was her pitch to bring the Ren Faire to Bluebell, Alabama. And she thought the Heidi hair was so nice, she wore it twice — possibly, since these were on sequential nights, without ever taking it down in between. These were a tragic one-two punch for her, but by no means were they the only swing she took this year. She also went bridal on her thighs and all Book of Revelation on her torso.

And, all ACTUAL revelation:

And don’t forget this, which I almost did:

If I oozed gold lame from a sucking chest wound, I would put it to better use. Just saying.

So what does Ms. Shailene have to offer that compares?

Dumpy black thing: check.

Thigh veil and braids: check. With bonus hidden Whoopee Cushions.

Confusingly see-through thing: check. It’s like she ran afoul of a shrimping boat.

And then this happened.

Shailene’s archive is interesting, actually — it’s a lot of Fug of Fab stuff, and a LOT of things we liked that other people didn’t (the Oscars dress, for one). Let’s see if the overtness of Jaime King’s fuggery can outfug Shailene’s more elaborate yet debatable stuff. Or even her undebatable stuff. Welcome to the big leagues, Shailene.

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For Heigl here, she’s a low seed because she didn’t do much this year except style herself like a kooky old broad.

I keep expecting her to open her mouth and sound like Mrs. Doubtfire: “Well, hellooOOOOooooo!”

I don’t even hate that coat, really. And I know she’s just out pumping gas, but dressed like that, she was also obviously on her way somewhere else. You don’t wear formal shorts, leopard booties, a sunshine yellow top, and a massive trench poncho unless you are aiming to Be Seen. And on her somehow it all adds up to Young Sharon Stone, but without the attendant aura of earned Wacky Divadom.

I won’t take issue with her clothes here — it’s Casual Whateverday — but this hair was SO BAD ON HER. SO BAD. HEIGL. YOU USED TO HAVE GOOD HAIR. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. She just generally caught a raging case of Woman Of A Certain Age Syndrome, which is fine if you ARE a WoCA, but she isn’t. Be young and fabulous while you are, in fact, young and fabulous.

Although maybe not to this extreme:

“Young and Fabulous” does not have to mean, “Prostitute on Planet Unicorn.”

It REALLY does not have to mean, “I robbed a Babies R Us and put the manager’s intestines on my head.”

And it usually does not involve a pseudo-Pope. This was the worst. I’m pretty sure she thought she was lighting the world on fire, but instead she actually made me NOSTALGIC for Lady Gagegg. And this was all just the tip of the Minajberg. We haven’t even talked about the day I realized we were soulmates, or what she wears when she’s actually trying to look semi-normal:

This is probably to Nicki Minaj what jeans and a t-shirt are for everyone else in the world. I’ll stick with denim.

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Looking at this matchup again, I’m surprised we didn’t seed Shenae Grimes higher — I think it was because we had so many substantially MORE famous people jockeying for position. Then again, did any of them tap dance in jean shorts? Or dirty dance?

Or wear a denim diaper?

Or dress like the 90210: Original Flavor version of Sandy from Grease, with bonus polterwang?

Or… whatever this is? Lord, this is bad. The girl interned at Teen Vogue, for mercy’s sake. Either they’re not teaching, or she wore ear plugs.

Ginnifer Goodwin is likewise a stunning person who just CANNOT pull it together on the red carpet. Unlike the preternaturally cheery Shenae, though, she also seems terribly aggrieved by it, perhaps because it’s a version of art imitating life imitating art. On Once Upon A Time she is kind of a sad sack; in life, she wears sad sacks.

It chills me what that thing is doing to her hips. Look at it up close. It’s not just digging into her flesh; it’s making sand castles with it. And the shoes… Even Gisele back there is like, “I want to stare at her, but there is a camera, so I must make love to it first.”

This is the worst. It’s Marbled French Maid.

I’ve seen two other people in this dress since Ginnifer wore it, and no surprise, it hasn’t worked on them either. Elbows shouldn’t wear skirts. She also had an episode with arm spikes and a super hairy tapeworm. A lot of people picked Ginnifer to go far in Fug Madness, and she’s certainly got the goods; the question is whether she got lucky by drawing Ms. Grimes in round one, or whether she can send Shenae back to the 90210 with just one notch on her belt.

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Comments (67):

  1. camille

    Oh god. “Prostitute on Planet Unicorn.” My day is officially over; I can’t focus on work anymore.

    • Julie

      My favorite line was “I robbed a Babies R Us and put the manager’s intestines on my head.” Scary that I can actually see her doing that?

    • Janice

      I know!!!!!!! I cannot stop laughing at this.

  2. The Other Molly

    No one out Fugs Sarah Jessica Parker.
    Her attempts at fashion are pathetic and laughable.

  3. ML

    SJP’s separate zip code of hair sealed that deal for me. Game, set, match.

  4. Alicey


  5. Damian

    This happens every year. Ginnifer Goodwin goes out looking a hot mess consistently. And she always gets eliminated in the first round. Last year, I didn’t think anything could top that giraffe coat. But as usual, she’s losing. Please pick her! Ignore all of the hideous things Grimes has worn. GGood deserves this!

    I had Shailene in the final four as a total long shot, but after seeing Jaime’s lame breast fringe, I’ve accepted her as the true winner of this match.

    Minaj and SJP just had to show up to win.

  6. Willow

    I hope Ginnifer can turn this around and beat Shenae!

  7. BooRad859

    It is the Auto Repair sign that totally makes the SJP photo for me.

  8. Amber

    Yes, “Prostitute on Planet Unicorn” is maybe the best thing I’ve ever read on here. And that is saying A LOT.
    I’m surprised Shenae is beating Ginnifer. Shenae is still young and experimenting. Ginnifer, while definitely still young, should have the wackiness out of her system by now.
    And if it were up to me, SJP would win the whole thing. I never like anything she wears.

  9. jen310

    Shenae always, always, always, gets it wrong. Fug is her style of choice. Jen is kinda pulling off her fugwear. I didn’t find any of her fug truly offensive. Shenae, girl, get it together. At least, aspire to a higher level of fug.
    Nicki is never gonna change her candy-colored, Barbie from the street, Gaga-lite look. Its her calling card now. Its fug and she knows it. Heigl is just clueless about what looks stylish and age-appropriate. Nicki go sit with Gaga in the corner. You bore me with your fugly wackitude.
    SJP – you’re not Carrie Bradshaw. You can’t pull off that crazy shit. Hell, even Carrie couldn’t pull off all that crazy shit. Be stylish not fuggish. SJP FTW.
    Jamie King, so pretty, so fugly dressed. Shailene’s body of work just wasn’t strong enough, close, but still so far.

  10. laura

    I am sooo over Nicki Minaj and her dressing up in Gaga’s and Kate Perry’s rejects. Heigl should win just for that hair alone!

    • Kat

      Exactly this. I had to vote for Katherine Heigl because I’m just so sick of the endless “look at me, look at me!” from Nicki. Take your neon-lipstick-duckface and GO.

  11. Fug de los Muertos

    Honest question (and sorry if it’s been asked/answered) but why is Hart of Dixie fug out but SJP’s outfit from “America’s Next Top Modern Artist or Whatever” eligible?

    • Janice

      Hart of Dixie is fiction and she’s wearing a costume not of her own choice.

      • GFY Heather

        Exactly. SJP was appearing as herself; Jaime King is appearing as a character whom she does not dress.

      • Fug de los Muertos

        Ahhh! Yes, that makes perfect sense. Thanks ladies!

  12. Lina

    i wish i looked like shenae grimes. she is SO pretty. but why is she stuck in the 90s????

    also i think that ginnifer goodwin could pull off so much more if she just smiled! she looks a lot better smiling than when she makes this “high fashion bored face”

  13. Kat

    I went with Heigel because I’m pretty sure she has no idea how bat shit crazy she looks, where as Nicki is aiming to look bat shit crazy.

    As far as GGoodwin vs. Shenae Grimes… holy moly. Those two could’ve both gone all the way had they not been matched against each other. I think GG’s horrible expressions sealed the deal for me.

  14. BooRad859

    I wish I could adequately convey the abiding pleasure I get from a simple sentence such as “And then this happened.”

  15. ML

    It’s like SJP is staking out puppies for a fur coat in Picture #1. But as a play-pretend Staten Island Mafia Wife from 1969.

  16. AmyK

    Ginnifer is at least trying to do something – even if it doesn’t work. She’s not inappropriate or bedraggled, just a bit *too* fashion-forward. Maybe in 75 years on a different planet, y’know?

    Shenae looks like she sewed parts of her outfits herself, and cobbled the rest together from thrift store finds.

    • Annie E

      Yeah, Ginnifer always looks put together. Shenae always looks like a wonderful smiley spandexed bare-midriffed shiny-haired mess.

  17. Josie

    I had intended to vote for Nicki Minaj, but I’d forgotten about that outfit Heigl wore to pump gas. I just can’t with her. She has a gorgeous figure, but she dresses like she’s eligible for AARP. It makes me so angry.

  18. Willow

    I voted for Nicki, I promised myself I wouldn’t but then I saw the Rainbow Bright disection outfit, and well if your hair looks like intestines then you deserve everything that is coming for you.

    She’ll hopefully be trounced by SJP at some point though.

  19. ML

    Gisele distracts me now whenever I look at the GG Irish Spring photo. She has the look of an animal being caught in the act, mid-hunt.

  20. Stefanie

    SJP’s red dress and cape combo was AMAZING. I seriously LOVE.IT.

  21. gin_in_teacups

    I love Lemon! That’s all, really.

  22. Danielle

    Hmm, i don’t love the pending outcomes of these matchups! SJP takes fun risks (plus she’ll always get a pass in my book because of my everlasting love for Sex in the City) whereas Melissa George really just genuinely has shite taste.

  23. Lynne

    Jaime King’s hair colour is jarring. I’m going to assume the show is making her do that because it’s seriously not doing her complexion any favours.

    The Nicki Minaj commentary is gold, Heather.

  24. Sandra

    GG/SG: Mary Snow Margaret White. Partially because she styles her hair with an electric egg-beater. Partially because she always looks to be in pain. I do however, legitimately love the necklace she wore to the Met Ball.

    Minaj/Old Lady: Costumes are one thing, but this chick has spent so much time there that she can’t even see normal from where she’s standing.

    Lemon/Woodley: Oh god, Lemon–even in her own clothes–looks like hell. Shailene gets it right once in a while.

    SJP/Whatsherbucket: Since I’ve never heard of the other one, I’m going with Rusty. Most of the stuff she wears looks like cast-offs from Mrs. Shaw anyway.

  25. Hel

    Grimes vs Goodwin was hard. I went with Goodwin because the clothes are bad and make her look bad.
    And I’m disappointed that Shailene Woodley is losing because I think she outfugs Jaime King.

  26. Roseypose

    Ginnifer at least gets points for consistency. Crazy, yes, but there’s a definite “look” she’s going for. Shenae, on the other hand…

  27. Morgan R.

    Frankly, I would love to be a prostitute on Planet Unicorn. Or, better yet, a brothel madam on Planet Unicorn. I’d call our establishment Le Chateau Hornee.

  28. KaTo

    I have to give it Ginner over SG. I expect more from GG. Shenae is young, and still finding her sense of style. She’s having fun and experimenting. GG is certainly still young should feel free to experiment with fashion and have fun as well, but she also has enough red carpet experience that she should know what cuts and designs flatter her.

  29. Bo

    The problem with SJP is that she tries SO HARD and for some reason is seen as some kind of fashion icon when she fails so abysmally.

  30. eee

    Two words come to mind when I think of SJP now:


    Never forget, people. Never forget.

  31. Kara

    Ginnifer Goodwin is like Rashida Jones. So pretty, but just cannot get it right. It makes me sad.

    That SJP picture, however, with the Dallas pageant hair and her just, like, standing under a random-ass overpass, makes me laugh and laugh and laugh.

  32. belljargirl

    Minaj will crush the amateurs. I look for Minaj to make ‘final four’.

  33. CranAppleSnapple

    Ginnifer’s head suit is appalling.

    Shailene did me in entirely by wearing five finger shoes under her gown. LORD.

    I’m really disappointed Heigl couldn’t get further in the game, because she is truly a hotmess. She would have made a lot of the others run up a tree.

    • LibraryChick

      I thought Shailene had a history of foot problems. The Vibrams don’t bother me in that context. It’s not as though she chose bright yellow or purple.

  34. Elise

    Have I mentioned how I love you two, oh glorious Fug Girls? The world is so much better with you two in it.

  35. yeahandalso

    SJP just had so much more cracked out stuff this year. Similarly I voted for Shailene because her stuff is boring and bad, Jamie’s is at least interesting.

    I really just don’t want Nicky Minaj to be a thing, I had to vote for her but wow what a match up of two horrible, horrible people

    I had to give it to Grimey, because she seems to impressed by all her terrible outfits. Ginnifer mostly seems the the victim of a stylist.

  36. Halo

    I know people think SJP is redic, but how can she be out-fugging Melissa Freaking George, who always looks a hot mess? She deserves permafug for never, ever looking nice.

  37. liz_bee

    Vote for Heigl, y’all! Her fug cannot be knocked out so soon in the madness! Her clothes are seriously fug you guys.

  38. Amanda6

    These are not Ginnifer’s worst crimes. PLEASE let her advance.

  39. KK

    “polterwang” always makes me laugh.

  40. lb

    why does katherine heigl insist on wearing the most terribly unflattering sunglasses all the time? seriously, in EVERY picture! i just can’t.

  41. sophia

    shanae grimes is a stronger competitor than i realized. i cannot vote for nicki b/c, like gaga, she lives the costume. plus she was SO cute to those two british who sang her song on ellen that i’m letting her have one.

  42. vandalfan

    Haven’t seen Melissa look good yet. I see I am on the other side of that vote. P’rolly SJP’s hair.

    The greasy blonde beats the cute brunette, whichever one is which.

    Heigle just because she wore THAT to pump gas.

    Ginnifer has a fugly mug, a nasty expression. But maybe the country gal’s outfits are worse. I can live with that vote.

  43. moeshamoeshamoesha

    It’s hard enough to tell Celine Dion and SJP apart, but when she breaks out the Pageant Hair… I don’t even know what to think anymore.

  44. jenny

    God that picture of Giselle is hilarious. Cannot…tear…myself away…from the camera lens… Goodwin is terrible, but at least she’s doing something and she’s committed to it. Shenae is just a fugly disaster. Much more absurd and entertaining (and less frustrating too). Want to see more of her fug!

  45. Ann

    Throughout the start of the post, I was wondering just when Regina George had so much work done and why you never referred to the Mean Girls actress by her real name. Oh. MELISSA George. Hmmm. I think she needs a better publicist.

  46. Guerra

    Shenae just looks like every other 20 year old out there! Basically an American appareal add! Goodwin looks deadly serious, as if she is looking amazing with her forward fashion choicest ruling to put a model pose. She gets my vote!

  47. Sajorina

    This was EASYYYYYY!!! I voted for Sarah Jessica Parker, obviously; Jaime King, obviously; Nicki Minaj, obviously; and Shenae Grimes, obviously!

  48. Sarah

    I can’t deal with G. Good’s hair! her clothes are awful but the hair just ruins it for me regardless.

  49. Liz

    I’m still mad at Melissa George for Alias.

  50. Cherry

    @Kat, Lol, and so true! Don’t feed the neon ducks!

  51. Eurydice

    SJP’s giant hair makes her look like an irritated cobra.

  52. Kat

    Totally threw it, sorry. Voted for Heigl because I am so pissed off and disappointed that Minaj can put out a track like “Stupid Hoe” in 2012 and people NOT rise up and be all, “Hey, with the woman-hating!” that I want to see her out of this contest before she gets any more attention. Boo, Minaj! Boo!

  53. Tracey

    Could I just say that if Ginnifer bothered to smile that perhaps some of those outfits would have been acceptable? Instead, she looks like she’s trying too hard to sell them and so we get to point and laugh. However, Shanae… just bad fashion.

  54. Ariana

    So far, my six year old daughter is dead on–pretty much whomever has the most outfits that she says she wants, wins.

  55. KatieG

    Here’s my problem. Nicki= A wacked out musical performer putting out a persona. Katherine= Totally serious and thinks thats how she should dress in a normal world.

  56. Lily1214

    Not SJP’s best look. The hairdo is very dated.

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