Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Charo Bracket, Part II

(2) RIHANNA vs. (15) ANNE HATHAWAY

Two women who have a history of making terrible terrible life choices with regards to their menfolk.

And their outfits. For example:

ANNE HATHAWAY. I know you showed your boobs in Love and Other Drugs, a movie I hated so much that I spent the entire time hoping against hope that your character would die at the end, but THIS IS NOT YOUR BRAND. Also awkward:

No bueno, babe.

Speaking of which:

SUPER NO BUENO. Juxtaposing that look from Rihanna with the following one gives me an idea: Rihanna has an evil twin, and while the real Rihanna comes out occasionally to accept awards looking, as Heather put it the first time we wrote about this, like a refugee from Empty Nest, EVIL Rihanna is the one who pops out in bodysuits and records duets with Chris Brown AGAINST ALL SENSE.

This one seems like a combined effort of good AND:

The lace is good, the illusion netting EVIL.

But perhaps EVIL is better than BORING:

Like, the following is many things (crazy, nightmare-inducing, DID I MENTION CRAZY) but BORING it is not:

On the other hand, when Anne goes cracked out, I don’t know that I like it any better than her more boring stuff. To wit:

Okay, Princess FancyWreath.

And these — like everything else in Fug Madness — represent just the tips of their respective icebergs. I implore you to flip through RiRi’s archive, as it is crammed full of things like the time she wore that Muppet out of the house, and that once that she wore toilet paper as a dress.  Likewise, the Anne Hathaway file contains such gems as her chain mail figure-skating gown and her built in leg warmer-pants. Peruse, and VOTE:

(3) CHRISTINA HENDRICKS vs. (14) PAULA PATTON

Hendricks stresses me out. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MESS?

Someone with EYES can look at that, and say, “turtlenecks aren’t good on you, and a white skirt with your pale skin makes your whole bottom half look like the same color. Let’s put you in a white v-neck and a black pencil skirt, if you’re married to this color palate.”

Paula Patton, on the other hand, is BEYOND adorable, but HER problem is that she dresses a hair too young and smidge too small:

This is edging toward tacky.

And this is too small:

And speaking of too small:

This is where Hendricks’s non-existent friend says, “that’s doing really weird stuff to your boobs, right? You’re just showing me this because it’s like when you try on something SO wrong that you have to show your friend because it’s hilarious, RIGHT?”

And THIS is where said friend takes a defeated bite of her sandwich and says, “what? Are you working the Renaisssance Faire now? WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?”

On the other side of the match-up:

Just, no. Also, I love how Shaliene looks here. She’s all, “shoot, are we seriously having to do red carpet here? I just popped in on my way to pick up my Thai food order. Seriously? Oh, hell. Okay!” (Apparently, I kind of love her now.)

Cue Christina’s friend: “WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU LOOK TERRIBLE IN THIS. YOUR BODY IS GREAT. DO YOU NEVER LOOK AT YOURSELF AT WORK? I CAN’T EVEN WITH YOU, CHRISTINA. I’M LEAVING.”

Hey, at least Paula is having a good time. In fact, throughout her archives, she is at least ALWAYS having a good time. It’s pretty refreshing.

(6) KATERINA GRAHAM vs (11) ROBYN

This might be my favorite match-up of all of Fug Madness. DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM.

I mean, look at this:

AND THIS!

AND ALSO THIS! How did we not cover more of Robyn this year? SHE IS DELICIOUSLY CRACKED OUT.

That is SERIOUSLY GIVING ME A SEIZURE! It’s AMAZING!

Even when she’s going formal, it’s cracktacular. See?

To recap: that’s a leather bandeau top with a fringe door-curtain attached, over high-waisted white leggings. I AM going to call my girlfriend. SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING.

On the other hand, I also love me some Kat Graham, and she too is a fringe-enthusiast (which is not the same thing as being a Fringe enthusiast):

She’s also a cropped top/high pony-lover:

And…A SUPERHERO:

This was at the Jeremy Scott show in September, and I actually walked right past her in this get-up and didn’t even recognize her. Instead, I think I shook my head and thought, “god, some of these fashion girls are NUTS.” If I had only known it was Kat Graham dressed like a character I like to call THE VELVET THUNDERBOLT, I would has asked her if I could try those glasses on.

This, on the other hand, is what you wear to your Rose Parade party:

You know, because it’s a day when you want to class up your bustier. I implore you to look closely at her body of work, by the way, because as is the case for all these match-ups, these pics are just a sampling. You don’t want to miss the rest of her. She is a treasure.

(7) OLIVIA WILDE vs. (10) JESSICA WHITE

I forgot how crazy Olivia Wilde looked during both her Tron and her Cowboys & Aliens promotions. For example, during the latter she occasionally looked like she was living in the Old West as costumed by an alien who was trying to pass as human:

Close, Sister-Wife, but so far. There was also this:

Polka Dots and Side Boobs Make Strange Bedfellows, my new album, drops on Tuesday!

This is ALSO alarmingly Sister-Wifey. (Not to be confused with Sister-Wifey,  a fanfic mash-up about Big Love  and the 1978 Judy Blume novel):

And her archives are just full of the crazy:  ass lace! More sister-wifery! A salute to the cast of Camelot!

I’m not sure what THIS is a salute to. The lace jumpsuit on Gozer at the end of Ghostbusters? If that’s true, then I want to make Jessica White my very best friend.

That is amazing. This is ALSO amazing:

SHINY. HAREM PANT. JUMPSUIT. I seriously think this outfit was described word-for-word in Scruples 2 as something Billy wore to go seduce someone into doing something for her. Which is actually a compliment.

Jessica loves the harem pant:

I think this is ALSO straight out of Scruples (my third album is to be called Straight Out of Scruples. It’s the homage to Judith Krantz and NWA that America has been waiting for). Maybe Jessica’s just angling to get cast in the adaptation that ABC’s working on. Look, they cast Chad Michael Murray. ANYONE HAS A SHOT.

Meanwhile: