Some towering contenders went out this time, but the matchups that remain are INTENSE. Like, the Bjork Bracket standoff here… major. And Cher. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN CHER. By which I mean, her bracket. LOOK:
(3) VANESSA HUDGENS vs. (16) KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN – Monday
Man, Kaftandashian continues her reign of terror, knocking off impressive fug mainstay Chloe Sevigny in the Sweet Sixteen. She racked up an impressive 62 percent of the vote, and is creating an Elite Eight matchup so good it’s worthy of the finals. And Vanessa Hudgens and her pants of shame are still putting up their dukes, K.O.’ing Rooney Mara with a huge 85 percent ovation, and putting her against this year’s Cinderella in a yikes-off.
(4) ASHANTI vs. (6) LINDSAY LOHAN – Tuesday
Sayonara, Lady Gaga. Her elaborately constructed fuggery lost to Lohan’s tragically constructed fuggery, as Lindsay got 66 percent of the vote. Ashanti took out Alexa Chung with 68 percent, which somehow feels like an upset even though she was seeded higher. Then again: vagina sling. It’s interesting that Ashanti is moving on from a matchup with a girl who would NEVER wear her clothes, to a game against a girl who well might someday.
(4) FERGIE vs. (11) ROBYN – Monday
Mrs. Cruise ran up against the brick wall known as Mrs. Duhamel, and only garnered 35 percent of the vote. So she goes home to Suri, and Fergie gets Robyn, about whom I tragically failed to make a cringeworthy Swede Sixteen joke. Still, in the Battle of the Robyns, the one who’s been blonde longer won. As in, not Rihanna. In fact, Ro.Co beat RiRi with 63 percent of the vote, so take THAT, giant long red braids and tacky bodysuits. Platform Timberlands are here to PLAY.
(1) NICKI MINAJ vs (14) KE$HA – Tuesday
Ke$ha and Jessie J were the best matchup of the last round, but in the end, people decided Jessie J’s smiling face should not beat out Ke$ha’s more sullen demeanor. So with 54 percent of the vote, Ke$ha advances. Nicki Minaj, for her part, bounced Sarah Jessica Parker with 70 percent of the vote. Adieu, Ms. Bradshaw.
And the updated Elite Eight bracket: