Critics’ Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Eva Longoria

As we have learned from almost a decade of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria has an awesome body. Yet you’d never know it in this.

But worse, this dress is somewhat startling to me. That decoration there… you guys may think this is insane, but to me it’s faintly anatomical. It’s evocative of… well, a ladyplace. It’s high fashion labial folds. It’s a sartorial pap smear. She is a growling, crazy-eyed walking vagina right now, and that is really not a sentence I ever expected to type except maybe as part of a review of some new Guillermo Del Toro movie called Pan’s Labiarinth.

[Photo: Getty]

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Comments (35):

  1. glee

    That’s exactly what came to my mind when I saw that dress. So you are not alone.

  2. Stefanie

    Even before I read what was written I asked myself “Why does Eva have a giant vag on her dress?” You can not tell me she (or someone in her team) didn’t look at this and be suddenly reminded they are over due for their annual pap.

  3. Willow

    Well, I was seeing a very hungry baby bird until you tainted my mind but it’s worth it for the Pan’s Labiarinth gag – one of your best.

  4. patricia

    Labia couture. Christian LaCrotch, VerCROTCHe, ….I actually want to google “Fashion Designers that rhyme with labia” to see ALL the possibilities.

  5. Rayna


  6. maryse

    she does look a little maniacal there doesn’t she

    • CranAppleSnapple

      Heheh Yeah, she’s all teeth-grindingly “Well Hellllllooooo my VAGINA!!”

  7. Art Eclectic

    That’s a great color on her, but I can’t believe she chose something that awful. It makes her look 30 lbs heavier than she probably is. What girl needs that?

  8. erin

    I wonder how many people at the event saw this, and the evening turned into an episode of Everybody Love Raymond when Ray’s mother made a very funky sculpture.

  9. anonymoose

    Hilar and spot on!

    She has no lips on her face, but has them on her torso instead! Live and learn, she will regret this choice.

  10. witjunkie

    I’m just glad she’s not wearing a fur stole.

  11. anna s.

    It’s like the dress version of a Georgia O’Keefe painting — you look at it and end up thinking, “WAIT a minute…” Plus it stumpifies her and makes her hips look huge. I am not a fan.

  12. StephLeo

    Reminds me of The Silence of the Lambs.

  13. Mrs. Julien

    It is not appropriate for me to be laughing this hard at my desk. Brava!

  14. Amber

    Oh dear, in an unfocused scroll-down, I thought it was Kim Kardashian.

    • Taryn

      ME TOO. That concerned me far more than the dress. Eva, please don’t look like a Kardashian. You are better than that.

  15. SKGD

    Pan’s Labiarinth!! LOL !!

  16. Eirwen

    She’s way too petite for this mess!

  17. Bottle Ginger

    I just wanted to say how much I love the color. Everyone looks good in a nice violet!

    Blondes, brunettes, redheads, light skin or dark, it’s flattering to everyone. It looks great on her, with her dark hair and golden skin, and it looks fabulous on me with my red hair and pasty skin. I’ve got half a wardrobe in that beautiful violet.

  18. Tiffany

    I dont think the dress is flattering, but I did not see female body parts at all on the dress. Sarah Silverman’s phone on Conan, well that is a different story. (google it, so funny!)

  19. Helen

    With or without the lady parts, this is made for someone at least eight inches taller.

    I’m petite, too, and I don’t know any tailor who doesn’t understand what it means to scale something down. You have to rework every seam to do it, but if all you can get is a model-scaled sample and you’re in love with the piece, it’s worth doing.

    So why do we so often see petite stars not bothering?

  20. anny

    “Punch me right — here!! ha!! I dares ya !!!”

  21. Scanderoon

    HOW could she be the owner of ladyparts herself and not see what her dress looks like?!? It’s the very first thing that came to mind, after I finished figuring out that it was in fact her and not a Kardashian.

  22. Sajorina

    Well, “It’s high fashion labial folds” says it all! FUG!!!

  23. Lucy

    HAHA! I wrote just the other week that some one would wear this dress at some point and they would look like a giant vagina. looks like I was right.