As we have learned from almost a decade of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria has an awesome body. Yet you’d never know it in this.

But worse, this dress is somewhat startling to me. That decoration there… you guys may think this is insane, but to me it’s faintly anatomical. It’s evocative of… well, a ladyplace. It’s high fashion labial folds. It’s a sartorial pap smear. She is a growling, crazy-eyed walking vagina right now, and that is really not a sentence I ever expected to type except maybe as part of a review of some new Guillermo Del Toro movie called Pan’s Labiarinth.

[Photo: Getty]