Cher Bracket, Round One: This Is A Real Mixed Bag, I Gotta Be Honest

I’m weirdly excited to see if someone here on the total blandness of her look can go far. It’s time for day two of Fug Madness!

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In this round: 2. Felicity Jones vs. 15. Anne Hathaway  .  3. Hailee Steinfeld vs 14. Charli XCX  .  6. Chloe Sevigny vs 11. Emma Roberts  .  7. Rihanna vs. 10. Bella Thorne

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2. Felicity Jones vs. 15. Anne Hathaway

This is a Fug Madness first, and I’m excited to see how it plays out in your voting. In short: Felicity Jones got an incredibly high seed this year just because she was SO BORING. Her Oscars post-parties look is like…eh, at best? But her Oscars red carpet look was EH:

Her Globes dress — a Valentino — was…you know. Fine. But this was totally FEH:

That…is not good. It’s just not. I don’t understand why it’s that not good. In fact, her entire Rogue One press tour was just profoundly underwhelming. I am not at all whelmed:

This is legit the color of dishwater. This is ALSO the color of dishwater. I truly…do not know what is happening with her. This is like what someone wears in photos dating from a period when they didn’t have a stylist. Seriously:

What is even happening here? She phoned it in here; she phoned it in here; she phoned it in here. Will someone please go confiscate this woman’s phone?

Over to Hathaway. This is like the Battle of the Pale Brunettes. Annie didn’t have a ton, hence her low seeding, but what she did have was BAD. For example, this is…okay:

But this is not great:

And this is a PROFOUND MESS:

And THIS appears to be SATIN OVERALLS:

What is happening on your feet, lady?

For further research: Felicity’s archives are here! Anne’s are here.

3. Hailee Steinfeld vs 14. Charli XCX

In which the very talented actress who is a fair-to-middling pop star takes on the…well, fair-to-middling pop star. Sorry, Charli. First off: Hailee. Who has made SOME LIFE CHOICES this year. I’m just going to hit you with a tsunami of crazy. Get ready:

A WORLD OF SCREAMING. That’s not even taking into account the rather drab dress she wore to the Golden Globes, nor the rather naked one she wore to the Oscars!

Time for another avalanche of bonkers. PRESENTED WITHOUT COMMENT:

On one hand, it seems like it should be tough to beat  a person wearing a dress that’s essentially a novelty apron come to life. On the other hand: HAILEE MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Here are Hailee’s archives, in case you need further study! And here are Charli’s!

6. Chloe Sevigny vs 11. Emma Roberts

Oh, Chloe. Apple of my eye, fugger of my heart, woman who makes confounding sartorial choices as often as she makes great ones, actress who sometimes dresses like a crackpot who got locked out of her own house.  A woman who loves a ruffly wrist flare, who has worn a blinding white sports bra under a black sheer top, who kinda pulled off whatever the hell this thing is, who looked PROFOUNDLY unimpressed with Kate Beckinsale. Who decided to wear this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And, of course, this, buttcheekily:

Over to Emma Robert, who you might believe has brought a knife to a gun fight in this match-up. But I think she has a shot to take this one. Her Oscars dress was kind of a snore. Her post-parties dress was….potentially moldy. This was aggressively “styled” feeling, which is one of her consistent issues. (Here, too.) (Here, too.)

And then there’s all this:

That last one surely….didn’t go as anticipated, right? RIGHT?

Archives: Chloe; Emma.

7. Rihanna vs. 10. Bella Thorne

This is another one that I wish were an actual physical altercation. I feel like Bella Thorne would train and prep and come in RARING TO GO and Rihanna would just look at her and laugh gently, yet derisively, and then leave the room.

As with any post I write about Rihanna, I must open with the comment that she is SO PRETTY. She might be one of the prettiest people alive.  She elevated what was basically a formal Armani sports bra; she looked cute in VERY wide-legged pants with Prince Harry; she spent a lot of the summer casually strolling around with a glass of wine. But she also wore this sort of questionable 80s experiment and then there was also all of this:

This is BEYOND HILARIOUS. I love you, Rihanna. She also looks kinda cute in this, despite the fact that it’s objectively bad:

This seems annoying to wear, on a logistical level:

And then, of course, this experiment in neon prairie chic:

Over to Ms Thorne, who would very much like your attention at all times. To wit:

To wit: The sequel:

In case you were worried she didn’t know how to translate that desire to formal wear. I mean, in fairness, yes, her body is amazing. BUT ALSO WE KNOW:

This just makes me profoundly exhausted:

I’m going to go lie down. You look at this two and decide which deserves to move forward in this precious contest. PS: ARCHIVES AHOY: Rihanna; Bella