Fugger: Tom Cruise
[Photos: Fame/Flynet, WENN]
HOW COULD SOMETHING SO NATURAL-LOOKING GO SO WRONG?
In honor of Tom and Kate’s contract finally expiring, and her deciding not to renew, a look back at the craziest shit those two put us through (all of these are old GFY posts, not random internet hoo-ha). I had A LOT of thoughts about Tom’s hair:
– This hair was terrible. (His)
– This hair was ALSO terrible. (His again)
– This hair was better but remember when they were friends with Posh and Becks and Posh was BLONDE? HER hair is terrible.
– But THIS hair is adorable. (Hers)
– Remember when he made her ride his motorcycle everywhere?
- Remember when Posh wore ALL this CRAZY STUFF to their wedding??
– Remember when she was pregnant for LIKE EVER OMG WTF? (I love this one but it also makes me a little sad because Heath Ledger is alive in it. The last several years have been weird, y’all.)
– Remember when he used to PRESENT her like a doll at things?
– Remember when she used to photobomb Posh and Armani?
– Remember when Chris Klein tried to turn Ginnifer Goodwin INTO her?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITHOUT THESE TWO? And, more importantly: who’s her rebound going to be, and which starlet will he marry next?
KATIE HOLMES: I’ve figured out why you’ve looked so good lately.
TOM CRUISE: My very subtle but beautifully done surgical facial upkeep that you really don’t notice?
KATIE: No, although that’s excellent.
TOM: My wardrobe of impeccably tailored suits?
TOM: The fact that my INSANE CRAZY BEHAVIOR when we got married has started to fade from the minds of the public in the face of WAY CRAZIER behavior from people like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?
TOM: Is it that everyone is relieved we’re still married in the face of such sham relationships as Kim Kardashian and that tall, marble-mouthed person she was pretending to be married to for TV?
TOM: Is it that I’ve finally gone back to my Maverick haircut and no longer look like I think I might be Justin Bieber?
TOM: You’re welcome. You actually look lovely tonight too. Is that Dang An’ Homely?
KATIE: HOLMES AND YANG.
TOM: Bless you.
KATIE: Yes, it is.
TOM: YOU ARE KIDDING ME.
KATIE: Why are you so surprised?
TOM: Because you actually look — never mind. I’m not surprised. Let’s go find the caterer with the chicken strips! Protein is vital to my upkeep, precious wife.
He may have freaked us all out when he went manic on Oprah’s couch, and when he went all Wristslap McSmug on Matt Lauer, and when some Scientology videos leaked, and two dozen other times recently, but I have to give this much to Tom Cruise:
He still looks good. Forget thetans and auditing — THIS is what Scientology should be using to recruit people: “Come on board, and you’ll be eternally 35.” Done. Take my money. There’s a seat for me at a bingo parlor somewhere humid in forty years and I want to look GOOD in my muumuu.