Fugger: Lil' Kim

Party In The U.S.Fug/Well Played Cover, Miley Cyrus

Well. If ever there were two people about whom we have all said, “They should REALLY hang out more,” it’s obviously Lil’ Kim and Miley Cyrus.

[Photos: WENN and Cosmopolitan]


The Notorious F.U.G.

I have missed Lil’ Kim:

It goes without saying: I also miss her old face. She sort of looks like she decided to borrow this one from LaToya Jackson.

She may have also borrowed….well, what is she wearing? It looks like something you’d make in the beading aisle of Michaels for a cocktail party. After you’d been trapped in that particular Michaels for five years because that was the only place in town that you were safe from the zombies — zombies being notoriously scared of hot glue guns — and the cocktail party was happening over where they kept the plastic champagne glasses, and the cocktails were made of turpentine and the hors d’oeuvres consisted solely of those Styrofoam balls of varying circumference and you were all OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MINDS.



Fugl’ Kim

If this is what Lil’ Kim wore to the after-party for her concert…

… then what’s left for the inevitable after-after party? Tassels? By the after-after-after party, she’ll be left with nothing but to wear a lampshade on her head and shout “FRAGIIIIIILE” at the top of her lungs.Seems like poor planning, no?

Lady Fugalade

I know I’ve said that you should wear whatever you want on your birthday. This photo is from Lil’ Kim’s birthday party.

I never really stopped to consider that “whatever you want” might be lingerie topped by a vampire’s kitchen apron, but I guess I have to just stick to my convictions and wish her many happy returns. This is what I get for making blanket statements. Thanks for the life lesson, Kim.


Dancing with the Fugs

Dear Lil’ Kim:

Please never change. I mean that metaphorically. At some point, you should probably take this off before you get a yeast infection.


Fugl’ Kim

You know, sometimes it’s not the size of the polterwang…

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

… it’s how you package it. And I’d say taking her pelvic dromedary on a spandex safari in dance pants the likes of which would give Brian Boitano acid flashbacks makes for some pretty hilariously ballsy gift-wrap. (Ghost-gonad pun fully intended.) They’re so awful that I almost want to give our girl Lil’ Kim a standing ovation. Does this mean I have to watch her on Dancing With The Stars now? Because I don’t think I can take that kind of agony. Not even as payback for how hard this outfit made me laugh.


Lil’ Fug

Welcome home, Lil’ Kim.

Yes, she’s been out of the pokey for a while now. But she’s been looking pretty consistently covered and cute since her prison stay, to the point where I’d almost started to believe the fug had been slammered right out of her.

Oh, me of little faith. I should have known she’d return to form eventually. I mean, this is Lil’ Kim. If you offer Lil’ Kim a sheer mini-robe two sizes too small, a belt that looks like a skin infection, and glittery pasties shaped like Texas, she is going to take them and run. That’s like dangling a sloppy-haired foreign shipping heir in front of Paris Hilton. Lil’ Kim is only one woman; she has only so much will power, and so very much history of being as naked as possible.

I blame the Pussycat Dolls. Lil’ Kim was a judge on The Pussycat Dolls Barely Showed Up Enough To Quality As Presenting: The Search For The Next Faceless Bandmember, and while it was awesome to hear her be all, “You think staying up late to rehearse is hard? Girl, I went to PRISON,” I do also suspect all that semi-nude writhing made her miss her glory days of being America’s most reliably exposed torso.