Fugger: Justin Bieber

Fuggy, Fuggy, Fuggy, FUUUUUUG


He’s just messing with us. He HAS to be messing with us. Right?

Otherwise, I’m concerned those pants mean he never grew out of messing his diaper.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

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Fugstin Bieber


You know, I often search for the right word to describe the way Justin Bieber’s styling makes him look. And with the blouse and the dropping trousers and double watches, and swoopfant (swoop + bouffant), I think I’ve finally settled on that word.

And it is: twerp.

Also, pro-tip, young sir:

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Fugger Say Fugger


So I guess… there was a plot afoot recently to castrate and murder Justin Bieber, which the authorities foiled.

And I don’t mean to make light of it, because I have to imagine it’s scary to wake up one day and have a cop call you and say, “Son, some lady wants to cut off your junk.”  But… maybe that’s why he’s  been wearing sack pants? If you don’t know where it IS, then it’ll be harder to HURT IT.

… Nope, still no excuse.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fuggy, Fuggy, Fuggy, OOOOH


New theory: All of North America massively overreacted to Justin Bieber, and now everybody is too proud to admit that THIS IS ABSURD, AND OH MY GOD.

Jessica is going to be very upset that her alma mater got dragged into this. The crotch fits, but dear god, somebody please save the animals on his groin. I mean, has anyone in the world who has tried SO HARD actually had LESS natural swagger than this kid? I’m curious to  know who or what he would be if he weren’t so busy trying to be LL Cool J.

[Photo: Getty]

 

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If I Was Your Fugfriend


There are so many atrocities herein that my soul is currently in hiding. But to start, if I may reinvent a well-worn quote from Mean Girls:

STOP TRYING TO MAKE CROTCH HAPPEN. IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fugstin Biebfug


The Biebs Tweeted a photo of himself getting a medal from the Prime Minster of Canada — a medal by the way, reserved for Canadians who’ve made “significant contributions and achievements” — and you are going to love what he wore.

I met the prime minister in overalls lol,” he said eloquently. (Hilariously, Stephen Harper’s verified account later Tweeted, “In fairness to Justin Bieber, I told him I’d be wearing my overalls too.”) If you EVER doubted that Bieber is the rebirth of Watts from Some Kind of Wonderful, this should swing you to my side. He’s a cross between her and Donna Martin and a farmer who grows corn with really hipster stalks.

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