Fug File: WTF

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Zoe Saldana


This one is such a head-scratcher that we’re at dandruff-warning Defcon 1.

Clearly Cinderella’s mice have been hitting the absinthe again.

The best part is that on the red carpet, she somewhat self-aggrandizingly noted that Prabal Gurung made this and told her that “only Zoe could wear it,” and while I am sure it’s difficult on the ego to turn down a dress that the designer thinks is a cherished and magical personal gift, I choose to interpret her comments as, “You guys, I was backed into a corner, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?” I think I speak for us all when I say the answer is, “Spill water on it and then tell him somebody’s assistant was fired for clumsiness.”

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Fugs and Fabs: Britney’s Opening Night Audience


I wish more celebs had traipsed to Vegas for Britney’s first show there, but at least the two most famous ones in attendance were up to their usual shenanigans.

[Photos: WENN]

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Go Fug Your Accessory, Kim Kardashian


You need to see Kim Kardashian’s Khristmas Gift From Kanye: It’s a Birkin, it was custom-painted by George Condo (who did one of Kanye’s album covers), and apparently it’s possessed by the devil. With plenty of views from afar, on the offchance that it’s a Monet (who, by the way, just rolled over in his grave, woke from his eternal slumber and started digging himself out with his hands so as to rise from the dead and come slap me across the face for that).

GFY Kanye is making a guest appearance to walk you through it: “CHECK IT OUT, MY MAGNUM OPUS, BRIMMING WITH ARTISTIC DOPENESS, SURELY BLESSED BY HIS HOLY POPENESS, WHO WAS ALL, ‘IMMA LET YOU FINISH THE CEILING, MICHELANGELO, BUT FIRST I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT GEORGE CONDO MADE THE BEST ART IN THE WORLD THIS TIME.’ MY GIRL HAD A BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY CHRISTMAS DAY. THERE’S NOTHING I WON’T PAY TO MAKE HER DOPER THAN QUEEN BEY, SO NOBODY GET IN MY WAY BECAUSE EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH ‘YE.”

[Photos: Splash, Fame/Flynet]

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Fuggakech Film Festival


Has she short-circuited?

Cut it off and make it a mini-dress, and I’ll have that conversation; wear this on your patio with a pitcher of margaritas, some cheesecake, and a view of the neighbor’s pool boy, and I’m totally there with you. Hell, Fat November just rolled into Even Fatter December, so I’m all about the muu-muu. But for your movie premiere it’s just not wise to look like one of those laminated pages in a a florist’s brag book.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fugs, Fabs, and WTF: The ARIA Awards Red Carpet


Every year I have to look up what the ARIA Awards actually are, and every year I say the same thing to myself: “Oh, RIGHT! The Australian Grammys! Sort of. Right?” So, as is now tradition, Australian readers, please correct me if I’m wrong about that — or about any Aussie Celeb Facts I screw up in the course of this post.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug the Card: The Kardashian Christmas Card (Kristmas Kard?) 2013


Oh my god, you guys. This card is literally so big that I can’t even fit the entire thing on this website. LOOK:

In order for it to fit, I have to shrink it down to the size of a Band-Aid, which makes me wonder if it arrives in, like, a box originally made for framed Magic Eye posters down at Ahhs. If you are on the Majestic Kardashian Khristmas Dist. List, please do let us know if that is the case. Maybe it comes already under the plexiglass it so richly deserves? (You can click on the pic and it will take you to a place where you can “view full size,” if you really want to get the whole KARDASHIAN EXPERIENCE at once, which I expect will feel like those old Hitachi Maxell ads where the dude’s hair and tie are blown back by the force).

The whole thing is so overwhelming that they had to release, like, SEGMENTS of it individually so that we could actually tell what the f is going on (which you can see if you click through the slide show). And I have so many notes. Many, many a note. First of all, there are no husbands in this photo other than poor Bruce Jenner all the way to the right, and BRUCE IS ENCASED IN A GLASS TUBE PRESUMABLY TO SILENCE HIM. He’s also the “cashier” at this Kardashian Kasino because Kris sees him as someone who is trying to tell her how to spend her riches and that’s why she’s divorcing him. As I interpret it. But, seriously. A holiday card should not take the patriarch of the family AND STICK HIM IN A GLASS TUBE LIKE A TEST SUBJECT.

Kanye and Scott Disick got excused, presumably because: a) it’s too awkward to figure out how to include Lamar in this entire thing considering that he’s currently MAYBE on crack (I hope not; Lamar and Khloe are the only ones I really like) and (b) Kanye took one look at this set-up and started laughing and couldn’t stop. He and Nori are killing time over at the Marmalade Cafe at The Grove right now and he’s STILL laughing, right into his shrimp salad.

Also absent? ANY KARDASHIAN/JENNER BOY CHILDREN. I mean, I think Rob Kardashian is as boring as the socks he is trying to sell to us all, but COME ON. He IS a member of the family. Is there no clearer way for Kris Kardashian to tell her family, “half of you don’t matter to me at all” than by banning her own son from the family holiday card?

FINALLY: IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A HOLIDAY CARD? This looks like it was snapped on the set of an 1980s dystopian YA novel set at an abandoned casino. There is no tree, no menorah, no candy canes, no twinkly stars, no reindeer, no cookies, no dreidel, no celebratory glasses of fizzy alcohol, no dogs in Santa hats, no holiday iconography of ANY SORT. If your holiday cards lacks any holiday symbolism at all, and ALSO lacks HALF OF YOUR FAMILY and ALSO sticks one member of your family IN A GIANT GLASS TUBE, then I argue it’s not a holiday card at all. IT’S JUST A RIDICULOUS PHOTOSHOOT. BAH HUMBUG.

[Click through the rest of the slideshow to see it close up IF YOU DARE.]

 

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