Fug File: Fugs

Fug the Show: The X-Files, “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster”


I kind of wish people hadn’t waxed so poetic about how great this episode was, because I think my expectations were too high, and I ended up lukewarm on it. Sorry! I’m sure this will cause many people to be enraged with me  — but it will please the commenter who popped by after the premiere to call me…what was it? “A cranky, bitter old bitch,” I think. (Sir, you have no idea.)

Please note: I don’t think this episode was BAD (although Mark Snow went bonkers with the music cues. Dude, turn down the bongos!). I think it had (mostly) the right attitude and it was coming from a place of great love for this series, which I actually really responded to. It felt like an episode that was trying very hard to be this season’s “Small Potatoes,” and that’s a terribly high bar to set for yourself. But there were things about it that felt very static to me. There’s a whole scene where the Potential Monster of the Week just…tells us a story for like TWENTY MINUTES. Rhys Darby, playing said Potential Monster (the twist here is that he was born a reptile, but transforms into a HUMAN after a bite from a person, to his horror, which is a clever idea) acquits himself quite well but…like…why are we watching a dude just TALK TO US FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES? That’s not how TV works! Additionally, there was some really ham-handed stuff about transgender people that…just didn’t land for me, although I like RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Shangela (who is not trans), whom the show cast as…ugh, a crack-using prostitute. That part wasn’t great either. Also, this episode rustles up a way for the Monster of the Week to bang Agent Scully in a closet? Yeah, it’s a fantasy sequence, but…come on. I do not watch The X-Files to see Dana Scully, medical doctor, FBI agent, and possible immortal bad-ass writhing in her leopard bra against a closed door unless it’s at her own personal discretion. It felt gratuitous.  Additionally, Mulder and Scully are not together for huge swathes of the plot for no real reason, and basically there is no exposition about the actual perpetrator. Alan Sepinwall, who loved this episode, noted that, “this was actually a modified version of ‘The M Word,’ n unproduced episode Morgan wrote for Frank Spotnitz’s short-lived Night Stalker remake,” which to me explains why it felt kind of pasted together.

As for the end, I can only quote Fug National Chelsea on Twitter:

INDEED. We did, however, learn that Mulder is really REALLY bad at parking cars, but that he can provide emotional support to a misunderstood were-lizard, that the theme song to The X-Files is his ringtone (which…is not a thing that makes sense so don’t think about it too hard; I personally would have made it “Shaft”) and there was a sincerely lovely nod to former X-Files director/producer Kim Manners, as well as a variety of Easter Eggs for X-Philes, which I always think are a truly salute to the fans. Including Mulder sleeping in the nightie-version of that red speedo he once modeled for us so long ago, and Scully referencing both her poor dead dog Queequeg and the aforementioned fact that she’s immortal. Well, at the least, her quizzical expressions are. I’ve rounded them up herein!

Love,

A Cranky, Bitter Old Bitch

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Your Afternoon Man: Owen Wilson


Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Hansel.

owen wilson

If you don’t recognize him, it’s because he’s wearing a knit Tarot card.

In all seriousness: I really enjoy Owen Wilson, and ever since his life took a very sad and scary turn, I’ve been EXTREMELY relieved whenever he resurfaces. Wedding Crashers was running a bunch recently on cable, and I’d turn it on to cry envious tears over Rachel McAdams’ skin, and remember anew that he’s very charming in it. He tends to be great in Wes Anderson movies. He was even great in the Wes Anderson parody on SNL, which of course was actually Ed Norton as him, but you know. I credit the source as well. And let us not forget Armageddon, or Bottle Rocket. And did you remember he’s in Anaconda?

What’s YOUR favorite Owen Wilson moment? And would you have worn that sweater? I’m concerned the entire ensemble makes him look 15 years his own senior, but hey, at least his hair looks lush and shiny.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug the Show: War and Peace Recap, Part 3


I just love this show. It’s absolutely chockablock with people making terrible romantic/life choices in amazing outfits/homes, during war, which is simply my favorite genre of anything. This week boasted fewer fur turbans than last week’s installment, but DEFINITELY more threats of murder. To catch you up:

ANDREI: Oh, Andrei. Remember how he took off for a year at the spa and Natasha told him she’d wait for him? Well, the stress of an LDR got to her and she let Anatole Kuragin (Helene’s brother/lover) weave a spell of sexual thrall upon her (more or less) and yada yada yada, Natasha and Andrei are broken up and he’s pretty sad about it because he thought he truly knew her soul and also now he has to kill Anatole for being such a depraved rake. Oh, also his father dropped dead, and they had been in a fight (about how mean Papa Bolkonsky always is to Marya, Andrei’s Noble Sister). Oh, also, Napoleon is coming. So he’s got a lot going on. He barely even had time to check on his favorite tree.

PIERRE: Oh Pierre. Poor sweet Pierre feels that his life is useless, despite his becoming a Freemason. He’s mostly depressed because he’s in love with Natasha but is, of course, married to Helene. Who kinda facilitated Natasha’s ruin at the hands of her brother/lover. And who is also pregnant. With someone else’s child. And planning to annul their marriage so she can marry this hot dude who doesn’t seem that into it. Pierre doesn’t know a lot of this yet, however, as he’s hanging around the Battle of Borodino to see if he can be of use, and also to try to talk Andrei into getting back together with Natasha.

NATASHA: OH NATASHA.Where even to begin! I understand that you were lonely and missed Andrei and thought he might be over you, and his father was very mean to you (you could not know that his father might have been losing his mind [right?]), and I understand why you believed that running away with Anatole was a good idea: you really wanted to sleep with him. And you could not have known that WHOOPS Anatole is actually already married to some poor woman in Poland. But an elopement in the olden days was RARELY A GOOD IDEA in terms of One’s Reputation — even a thwarted one, like this — and so of course you are doomed to spend this episode crying, finding religion, staring sadly out the window, and having leeches applied to your arms.

MARYA: Things actually turned around for poor sad noble kind good Marya, because her father who tormented her dropped dead and also they made up before he drew his last, AND Nikolai Rostov rescued her from French troops and, it seems, fell instantly in love with her sweet, noble, kind, good self. Here’s hoping he manages to make this one last. He is, after all, engaged to his dumb cousin Sonya at the moment. (Serious question for people who remember the book better than I do: Is there a reason that Marya didn’t join a religious order, as that seems well suited to her? Other, of course, than “Tolstoy needed her single so he could marry her off for plot reasons,” which I also respect.)

DUMB COUSIN SONYA: Was not dumb this week at all, and, in fact, was the only person to tell Natasha that she needed to GET A GRIP vis a vis Anatole. No one listens to poor dumb cousin Sonya. Her aunt even reads aloud a letter from Nikolai that’s basically like, “I am totally in love with this incredibly kind heiress now!!!” right in front of her.

BORIS: Was hilariously forced to romance (and marry?) Julie Kuragin, who is a total sad sack and whom he wooed with his own (faked) sad sackery; had his ear massaged by Napoleon.

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Fug or Fab: Jenna Dewan-Tatum in Ralph & Russo


I have to give it to her — she, as a human, is flawless.

jenna dewan

I just keep wondering if the dress is a bit overwhelming. After I’ve stared at it for too long to form an opinion, I will close my eyes or look away for a ten count, then come back to it; every time, the first thing that comes into my head is that she looks like a piece of antique furniture.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fubs and Fabs: The Men of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies


In which I realized I had NO IDEA who was playing which character in this adaptation.  I’d like to thank them all for coming out in their suits so we can ogle them.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug Nation’s Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards


If you’re looking to vote for Best Dressed, you can do so here. If you want to weigh in on worst, YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

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Fug Nation’s Best Dressed of the SAG Awards


Let’s start off our Best and Worst with the good news, shall we? As always, we’ve whittled the options down to people we actually think have a chance of winning. It’s like our own Iowa caucus, but with more sequins.

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