Awkwardly Played Royal Wedding: Prince Albert and Charlene Wittstock

Or, as I’m calling them, The Anti-Wills and Kate. It’s hard to get all excited for a couple when the dude is in the midst of a paternity test for a third (!) illegitimate child (honey, TRY CONDOMS) ALLEGEDLY conceived during their relationship and she ALLEGEDLY attempted to flee the country several times prior to the wedding.  This may all just be gossip — well, the Secret Love Children are for real, as he’s acknowledged two of them and the palace has confirmed he’s agreed to DNA testing on the third — but the poor girl isn’t trying very hard to put the rumors to rest by looking over the moon with connubial bliss. I mean, look:

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Comments (71):

  1. sarrible

    Isn’t the new Mrs. a former Olympic swimmer? She could escape by sea! To Italy! Or Andorra! I’m bad at geography.

  2. qwertygirl

    I remember when Charles & Diana got married and Tiger Beat and that lot published pictures of the remaining “eligible” princes, and Albert of Monaco was a hot ticket. Time has not been kind. She’s so pretty, and clearly developing her style, but this doesn’t play the same way that Will and Kate do, as a marriage for love and not convenience. I’m sort of sad for her, because she doesn’t really look all that happy. Who cries during their own wedding? Sure, sure, tears of joy, but given the swirling rumors, I have a hard time believing that’s what they were…

  3. ak

    I don’t like to judge people I don’t know (personally, I mean; I’m happy to judge their clothes), but wow, yes, this bride does not look happy. Ay ay. Also, her skirt and jacket are weirdly mismatched in that first photo; it looks a little like she’s wearing a petticoat, and her actual overskirt is caught under the heel of some dashing and insubordinate duke who tried to get her to run away with him right before the wedding. But she has a remarkable, statuesque figure, her veil is beautiful, and both her gowns suit her nicely. May she be as happy as she can manage to be.

  4. Kris

    I liked her wedding dress better than Kate’s. *ducks* But the expression on her face is so miserable, I just want to take her home and hide her in the spare room and smuggle her blueberry pancakes while denying that I’ve ever had a houseguest in my life.

  5. TaraMisu

    That is one unhappy bride… it’s hard to ignore all of the rumors and press on her being a “runaway” so I may not be looking at these photos with an unbiased eye.
    I think her wedding dress is gorgeous! She really carries it off and looks very elegant. The blue outfit is weird, its like the pieces don’t match and were thrown together in haste…. which could be true!
    I just don’t see a happy future for these 2.

  6. melissa

    this poor woman looks like she is heavily sedated.

  7. nina veneno

    I wasn’t happy on my wedding day either. I didn’t want to get married (I was happy just cohabitating) but we had to for practical/financial reasons. i love my husband and I’m happy to be with him I just would’ve preferred to remain unmarried while “living in sin”. I’m sure that’s not an option for royals so maybe she’s just unhappy that she had to go through the motions of a wedding when she just wanted to live with damn guy.
    Could be lots of things you know? By the same token, the blissful happiness you saw on Will and Kate’s wedding could very well have been carefully manufactured.

  8. Carolina Girl

    To echo the sentiment … she looks really miserable, especially in that first photo. Her wedding dress was nice. Lovely and simple. I’m so glad that high profile brides seem to be giving up the strapless, fishtail trend that hung on for far too long. I thought that with Kate and Ivanka Trump (last year) rocking sleeves that others would follow, but unfortunately, I’ve been to four weddings since the middle of May (buying presents is KILLING me) and every single bride has worn strapless whether she had the body for it or not.
    I also read that they spent 55 million pounds (which is about 88 million USD) on this wedding. Other than that monstrosity of a cake, the tacky mirrored dance floor and the dress, was is that great? Or is the cost of living in Monaco just that high?

  9. Lina

    That is so creepy. I mean, passport confiscation, so there’s no way she can enter another country even if she were able to escape? Gah! Talk about human rights violations.

    Re the clothes: the formal wedding gown is gorgeous (but the skeeviness of the situation kind of ruins it). And that cake is ridiculous. Also, the cornucopia on top is EMPTY. That is NOT A GOOD SIGN. It’s supposed to be overflowing with fruit and vegetables, but there is nothing in it. Portentous? Maybe!

  10. Margo

    Yikes, just from the body language you can tell she’s not into him. They look so uncomfortable with each other. As opposed to Will & Kate, who look like they actually enjoy being with one another.

  11. Lion

    Boring dress and terrible hair (during the MAIN ceremony). But a very beautiful bride. Don’t know the gossip!

  12. Kate

    Agreed with what everyone else said about her not looking very blissful in the least. However. I do love her wedding dress. I thought Kate looked breathtaking but I would personally much rather wear what this lady wore (ummm I forgot her name already.) However, I plan on looking a lot more psyched at my wedding (and maybe a tad tipsy).

  13. jerkygirl

    Wow. I have to agree with TaraMisu up there, the rumors + these pics seem to = not so happy couple. She looks gorgeous, I love the style of her dress, and her hairpiece/comb/whatever you call it is really beautiful, but none of that can overshadow her look of sadness at marrying that bloated ALLEGED jerk. Definitely “Will-n-Kate” is now an antonym for “Albert-n-Charlene.” I feel awful for her. Maybe she can just stick him in a can?

  14. Brooke

    Actually, the dress looked ill-fitted to me. Something about the top looking bunchy around her middle – weird wrinkles in some photos. A royal wedding dress should be flawless!

    Speaking of flaws, am I the only one who notice she couldn’t be bothered to touch up her roots for her big day? To me, more than anything, indicated this was a bad sign. Her hair in general looked to be a total afterthought. Sort of haphazard like she woke up that day and thought, “well crap, I gotta at least brush it under this veil, here goes.”

  15. anne p.

    I’m with ‘Lina’ on the Portent of the Cornucopia … bodes all kinds of ill (as if Albert and the rest of that freakin’ good-for-nothing family didn’t — sorry). And the cake itself is way more Real Housewives than royal.

    I’m also with ‘melissa’ on Charlene’s sedated look. She’s never been the most expressive individual, but lately she’s seemed completely shut down (and evermore?).

    As for the ‘runaway’ rumors …. They’ve been a couple for some time now: she’s had PLENTY of time to realize what the endgame had to entail. (Wish I weren’t feeling so hard-hearted.)

  16. Geemee

    I’ve been trying to think of a kiss with *less* passion in it, and I can’t come up with a single example. Even Blake and Krystal’s mashed lip madness on “Dynasty” during the height of the AIDS scare had more heat than these two. Still, Charlene’s bone structure is amazing. It gives me hope that the children will turn out OK. I, too, was distracted by the waist wrinkles, but other than that, I thought she looked so gorgeous.

  17. Spike

    Wasn’t he a homosexualist? Or am I confusing him with some other wan, pasty-faced, entitled royal?

  18. Michelle

    That kiss in the first picture is the most fake, awkward looking kiss I have ever seen. She has her eyes closed and he has his open looking off somewhere… at least that is what it looks like to me. Could be the camera angle or could be his mistress/future conquest off to the side. Don’t like him. He’s slimy.

  19. Magdalen

    You’d think with his sisters’ marital histories, and all the time he’s taken, he’d have managed to find someone who didn’t want to run away from him…several times.

    We know he’s fertile, so what I was wondering is if there’s any chance she’s preggers? That could explain a lot, including the sort of pressure that could get a girl to the altar albeit reluctantly. Because taking away her passport doesn’t seem like enough. I know Monaco is tiny, but it must still have some hiding places. Perhaps the bridesmaids could have shown her a neat fort under the tablecloth.

  20. Sara Jane

    She looks so much like my best friend Lucy it’s freaky (just taller). And this is in fact how Lucy looks when she is sad but trying to act FINE. I even have a photo of Lucy pretending things were cool with her ex at a party when they were so NOT COOL (he was a cheating drug addict). By contrast, Lucy’s wedding photos the exact opposite of these – SO happy. I rest my case.

  21. Carol

    She looks beautiful … he looks like he’s auditioning for the role of captain in this fall’s remake of “The Love Boat” …

  22. Alexa

    Well this is a disaster waiting to…happen? Continue? Neither of them seemed to be able to conjure a genuine smile or expression of joy. And I find it a little creepy that he chose to marry a slender, blonde, patrician beauty. Just like Mom. Yuck!

  23. Janice

    Horn of Plenty puns… ba hahahaha!!!!

  24. Katie

    I also like her church dress better than I like Kate’s. But I have a thing about long sleeves on gowns. And, yeah, that first kiss picture is tres awkward.

  25. Kara

    Yikes. Beautiful wedding gown, but the photos don’t lie – she looks miserable. The kiss in the first pic … she looks like she’s pulling away from him, cringing.

  26. Bianca

    Are we just going to glaze over the fact that the blue civil ceremony is not a dress but pants!!! In fact, It may be a strapless jumpsuit. Check out the pictures from later in the day when she took the jacket off

  27. Lisa

    I wasn’t a fan of the dress. It seemed a bit stiff and fondanty. Also, I thought the darts around the bodice looked a little dated. Of course, she looked beautiful in it. That said, obviously she didn’t look thrilled to be getting married to this small person. At one point during the religious ceremony, Albert actually winked at her, under the watchful eye of the Archbishop of Monaco. This says it all, really.

  28. Montréalaise

    I’m no expert on body language, but these photos seem to confirm all the rumors. Poor Charlene – it appears she was pressured/bullied into going through with the marriage. In Europe, there have been rumors about Prince Albert for years, back to when he was a teenager. Let’s just say that when news first came out that he had fathered a child, people were … surprised.

  29. Ann

    Have to agree with everyone that she doesn’t look very happy, and he doesn’t either. I don’t think he really wanted to get married, not because he’s gay or something, he probably prefers the swinging bachelor life, but yeah, condoms or something, for heaven’s sake. Also, I used to think he was a dream date, now not such a good catch, despite all of the prince thing going on. All that said, I love both of her dresses, especially the wedding dress. I think Kate’s worked for her and this is perfect for Charlene’s body type, coloring, the event, etc. See, people there are SO many more styles than strapless. And I like the blue suit too. Pretty summery color and occasion appropriate. Now if she could just run away from Monaco!

  30. Faye

    I almost felt sorry for her, because she looks so miserable, but in the end I have to go with anne p’s comments. When you marry a guy knowing he’s got two kids from two different baby mamas, you know the endgame, yes? That kind of guy can hardly be . . .tee hee . . . a prince.

    Seriously, though, the guy has always seemed skeevy to me. If you can afford a $65 million dollar wedding, surely you can afford a condom or two!

  31. alecto

    Could it be that she just wants to be a princess and then marriage, childbirth and kissing a toady-prince come with the territory? There are a few perks to this job after all. And I don’t think the compromises on her part here will be half what KMiddleton’s will be.

  32. Annabeth

    Although I think the church dress is beautifully designed, I agree with Brooke that there’s something off about the fit in the bodice. This hardly matters compared to the behind the scenes drama. Confiscated her passport? Is this really happening in the 21st century?

  33. L Ford

    um but did you know the Civil Service suit (which I think was Chanel) was PALAZZO PANTS?! Yeah, not a skirt…PANTS.

  34. Beth

    I’ll assume that she thought that the illegitimate children would stop once they got together (he was never linked to a girlfriend as far as I know around the times when the other children were conceive, so it’s not like he was cheating), but this one would have been conceived while they were together. I’m sure she thought she was different.

    Of course, no one can force you to get married. Her wedding was televised, no one had a gun to her, she could have said no at any point in time. However, she may very well have been pressured into it (which is where the passport comes in), and told to not to waste all the money and and believe the rumors until the test comes in. If it does, she’ll have her paperwork and witnesses all ready for an annulment.

  35. Beth

    Oh yeah, and totally agree that the bodice on her dress didn’t fit very well. It would have looked much better if it had been structured with more than 90s-style darts.

  36. mary lou bethune

    That royal family is just a bit tacky… “love” children all over the world, coupling with circus folk, showing very bad taste in just about everything except clothes. What happened? I guess having one’s own kingdom goes to one’s head. Poor Charlene; neither she nor her family nor Caroline looked happy…

  37. Molly

    I don’t mean to be catty, but isn’t she a little long in the tooth for baby making? How old is she because she looks like she’s in her late thirties/early forties here. Maybe it’s the misery….

  38. Anne B

    I’m not in a good mood, so.

    I went Full Thermonuclear Ranty on this, all weekend. The thing about the passport?? And the one-way plane ticket?? That toad knows he’s just ducking the news of his third (at least!!) illegitimate child, all locked and loaded and waiting in the wings.

    Which, at this point, is a thing both he and freaking Monaco need to suffer.

    So, sure. Pretty lady, pretty dress, pretty veil. All beautifully executed, if extremely high-class white slavery is your thing. Personally I’d have changed it all, make this rat look like the fool he is, all suited up and missing a bride.

    And I’d add a freaking bird to the cake. A live one. Because that’d go wrong too, and this troll deserves it.

  39. maryse

    yeah this whole thing is just weird.

  40. Erin

    Pobrecita – so beautiful, and so absolutely miserable-looking. The clothes themselves are fairly dreadful, too, I think, although she’s gorgeous enough to carry them off.

  41. Anne B

    … And also, Monaco is a police state. Delightful place, really.

    You go there, walk around this giant place that looks like someone’s painstakingly manicured estate, only occasionally wondering why *the whole place* looks like that. You have to wonder what that lawn feels like, don’t you? Try it. Just step out onto it. It’s what you’d do anywhere, right?

    Whoops! NOT THERE.

    The assumptions we all make about freedom don’t really work there. It’s important to remember this: Just because a place is pretty doesn’t mean it’s nice.

  42. Chicklet

    According to Wikipedia, Charlene Wittstock (I’m using her birthname because something tells me she may not be “Charlene, Princess of Monaco” for very long) was born in 1978, so she’s 33. Probably a good idea to get started on the heir pretty soon, unless the $88-million wedding gets annulled because of Lovechild #3. (SERIOUSLY, DUDE. CONDOMS. LOOK INTO USING SOME.)

  43. Cat

    I think the actual ceremony dress is beautiful (the white, off the shoulder number) but wow… she looks pretty miserable.

  44. Isabel

    Like Melissa and Anne P., I think she looks so sedated (and sad). Reminds me of those photos of Albert with Karen Mulder at the time. After which she revealed that she was the victim of his MK Ultra slavery ring. Seeing this poor bride I almost start to believe her. Seriously, look at those dead eyes.

  45. A.J.

    She just looks so sad. She’s not even bothering faking being happy. I want to ask the both of them what are they getting married for??? Was this an arranged marriage? Is someone getting paid a large amount of money? It can’t be because he needs an heir, he’s already got two, possibly three kids!

  46. Jen

    How did you guys not realise the blue outfit was SLACKS?? I saw a picture of the slacks in full flow in Hello magazine today but can’t find it online.

  47. Gigi

    LOL @jerkygirl! Very nice. I don’t think people know that joke anymore!

  48. Gigi

    Once she pops out an heir and a spare she should start checking the brakes on her car. The Grimaldi curse hasn’t finished its course, yet, I reckon. Robert Eringer’s blog is sharing all the fascinating details.

  49. vandalfan

    He’s got his eyes open in that first kiss, bleah. And why have that YOOGE explosion of a confection and then be cutting a cheesecake from Costco?

  50. Sandra

    Well, Charlene couldn’t wear a dress styled like Kate’s. Not just because they’re both royal brides, but because Kate’s was reportedly based on Princess Grace’s. Wearing your dead mother-in-law’s engagement ring is one thing; wearing your dead mother-in-law’s wedding dress is a whole ‘nother kind of yuck.

    Nonetheless, the dress is just right for a ten-foot tall blonde. Too bad about what she’s wearing on her arm, though.

  51. pinkcheese

    Teehee, vandalfan – I wondered the same thing! That’s totally tacky Costco!

  52. Kara

    @A.J.: I believe illegitimate kids aren’t allowed to be in line for the throne, so he does indeed need an heir.

  53. mdn

    @Anne B “The assumptions we all make about freedom don’t really work there.”
    You mean like the freedom to be scanned, searched, patted down and prodded at any airport “security checkpoint”? yeah, I love being so free that I have to let complete strangers take a look at my underwear just so I can go on vacation. Or did you mean the freedom to be stopped by a police officer and being asked for your documents just because you were speaking Spanish with your brother?
    Monaco is as authoritarian as any other nation-state is (U.S., Venezuela, Iran, deep down it’s the same structure) they just have a larger and better paid police force to enforce their rules.
    Let’s not confuse actual freedom with the relative freedom of choice afforded to us by capitalism within the limits of the market.

  54. annieb

    i was so hoping you would do a wonderful montage of the awkwardness, THANKYOU. the look on her face 99% of the time = devastating.

  55. Jessica

    Let’s try and keep the authoritarian-nation-states discussion to a minimum, please. That can very quickly go to a place that is mega off-topic, although it’s interesting and I understand the urge to go there — Thanks, guys.

  56. Amber

    The bridesmaids are adorable! I may have to divorce and remarry my husband, just to have some like that!
    The poor bride looks miserable. If you can’t even fake happiness on your wedding day…well, that ain’t a good sign for what’s to come.

  57. Squirrel

    One nice touch: the cake has proteas on it; the South African national flower.

  58. bravoerunway

    I like her wedding dress, the reception dress was OK…the blue suit…well…I like the jacket! I am not sure what to say, but if things are already off to such a rocky start, ’nuff said!

  59. Aparatchick

    @ Squirrel, I caught that too! A nice touch in an otherwise awkward event.

    That’s a beautiful wedding gown and she wears it well, but wow, her expression is not a happy one. I wonder if she really did make a run for the border. Makes me think of the days of “Dollar Princesses,” American girls who would marry European royalty, exchanging money for title. A Vanderbilt daughter was forced into marriage with a Duke (of Marlborough?) by her mother. Even the newspapers of the time noted that at her wedding her face was puffy and red – she had obviously been crying. That marriage didn’t last.

  60. Perth Gal

    I was a bit creeped out by the fact that in every picture of them having a kiss, she is all eyes shut & puckered up whereas Albert is eyes wide open & looking around (as if to see if it was the right camera moment type thing).

  61. Anita

    The video of the kiss is even worse than the still photos. She must be doped up to the eyeballs because there is the awkward smooch then she makes an attempt to gaze at him with adoration and he just kind of huffs and looks away. The whole thing makes my skin crawl a little bit.

  62. Julie Thomas

    She is so adorable it’s almost unbelievable. I watched an interview with her on French tv and, like a lot of people who marry into a country where they don’t speak the language it is tricky. She looks very serious and a little sad because her French is rubbish! I have been in that boat and I can tell you, it is not sadness or misery it is good old fashioned plain ‘I am trying to concentrate and work out what on earth you are saying’. Once the interviewer spoke to her and she replied in English she lit up like a christmas tree of smiling naturalness. Gorgeous.

  63. lak

    Those bridesmaids are cute

  64. ChaChaheels


  65. Andrew S.

    They definitely are the anti-Will & Kate. I hope she can get away!

  66. Nora

    She looks a bit like our dear Mischa Barton, and has the same sad, sad eyes.

    I actually prefer her wedding dress to Kate’s. Elegant and really beautiful.

    “Although maybe she’s got bike shorts under there in case she decides to seriously, once and for all, make a break for it…” That was great. You made me choke on my Diet DP!

  67. tiggy

    Sickeningly enough, Angelina and her brother have more chemistry than these two.

  68. Cynthia

    In the immortal words of Veruca Salt: “Hey, Daddy, *I* want a super cute Madeline-esque mini bridesmaid! I want you to get me a super cute Madeline-esque mini bridesmaid right away!!”

    Wow. Awkward indeed. And uncomfortable. And weird. Or maybe they’re simply imbued with royal stoicism. Nah, it’s Awk. Ward.

  69. Kathrine

    Passport control between Monaco, France and Italy are virtually non-existing. So relax girls, she could always flee by car (or horse or whatever) to another country in the EU.

  70. Caroleena Stantonova

    I’d be crying if I had to marry that ass-hat. yick!

  71. Eli

    For a gay man he sure has a lot of bastard kids.