Y’all, I know there’s some kind of cosmic rule about not fugging Cher because she’s Cher, but… I am about to fug the hell out of Cher.
Fug File: The Voice
The weird subplot of this whole season was Christina Aguilera Refuses To Give Whole-Hearted Props To The Contestant Who Was On Mickey Mouse Club With Her. She would say things like, “You have a great voice… I mean, you’re kind of one-note, but, you know, it was a nice job.” I can’t figure out why. She didn’t initially remember him, and she’s a megastar, so hasn’t she sort of won that one? But she did admit on-air — when she finally decided she did recall his existence, and went backstage to give him a moderately sincere hug — that he had a crush on Britney. So maybe she’s playing out some adolescent hormonal drama.
Anyway, this all culminated with him performing a very cool cover of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” — which goes on to say, “but a bitch ain’t one,” though he only mouthed that word — and Christina got very huffy and offended about how she thought it was a strangely inappropriate message considering his wife and daughter were in the house (and whether you agree or not, I’d like to point out that this is coming from a woman who had a hit song called “Dirrty”), at which point Adam Levine apparently couldn’t stand her dismissiveness anymore and stood up and shouted, “It’s called a METAPHOR, CHRISTINA,” and everyone clapped. Except here’s the thing: It’s NOT called a metaphor. It’s called being slangy. I am pretty sure there is nothing metaphorical about that line in that song. I mean, maybe? I’m not Jay Z. But it seems pretty plain to me. It is what it is. Just own it, Adam. Sheesh. Then, even BETTER, Shannen Doherty hopped on Twitter right after and was all, “You guys, that song was NEVER about a woman, it’s ABOUT A DOG,” and she apparently meant it, except SHE was confusing it with Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “I Used To Love Her (But I Had To Kill Her), so basically, nobody knew what the hell anyone was talking about*** and it was kind of magical.
And then Christina didn’t wear pants. So in all, an eventful finale.
*** Well. Apparently Jay Z did claim the song was about a K-9 unit, so while still not technically a metaphor, as a commenter pointed out, it is also not a literal slam on a lady. The important takeaway here: Shannen Doherty is the boss of us all.
It had to happen eventually. There’s only so many times Christina could keep it sedate before her sanity got a pimple. Also: Cee Lo wears atomic gnashers. No, really.
There is just something really poetic about a man in a hat with chains on it relentlessly cuddling his cat. I keep expecting one of these interviews ending in the cat offering an opinion, possibly in Liza Minnelli’s voice. Just because. Also: bonus Bieber (if such a thing is considered a bonus) and Christina in a spandex diaper.
Let’s put it this way: Before DirecTV settled with Tribune and gave back my CW feed in time for One Tree Hill, I was contemplating finding Christina to see if her head was picking up the channel.
Well, apparently in addition to Idol, I’m going to have to watch The Voice now. But this is where I draw the line. Do your worst this summer on America’s Got Talent, Howard Stern. Feathered underpants? Nipple shields made of Duracell? LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.