Fug File: Scandal

Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 19, “I’m Just A Bill”

Well, Susan Ross may be a bit of a Mary Sue right now — she is too awesome to be true — but her parts of the episode had panache and life, which only underscored how grim the rest is. With apologies to Scott Foley, who can only do the job he is given, whenever Jake opens his mouth I just zone out and wait for it to stop.

Let’s begin, though, with that wine cardigan.


Olivia was swaddled in this massive grey blanket of a sweater at the end of last weekwhen Papa Pope made an unwelcome return to her doorstep, popping up behind her new fling, Russell (from Stomp The Yard). What ensues is one of the prototypically irritating Scandal scenes, where Papa Pope exposits for us that if Olivia doesn’t put the kibosh on the Bust B-3.14159 scheme it will bring down the Republic AND the president she cherishes, and then Olivia climbs up on her high horse and unfurls a large banner that says, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT SAVING FITZ. I CARE ABOUT JUSTICE.” At which point Papa Pope responds with a maniacal monologue that made me want to put my fist through the television:

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Fug the Show: Scandal, season 4, episode 18, “Honor Thy Father”

Did you enjoy one blessed week fee and clear of B-Ieber? Because it’s BACK, and it’s opening its gaping, salivating mouth and preparing to chow down on the remaining four episodes of this show.

We begin in David Rosen’s office, where almost nothing good ever happens, if you think about it.


Jake refuses to sign his immunity deal and help bring down B-ReathofStaleAir, because he was once Command, and a whole slew of other boring reasons about death and danger and The Great and Powerful Oz. David Rosen vows to do it without him, and sets about rounding up the three most powerful members who once worked with Jake and could therefore feasibly be leverage to force him into joining their ranks. David is extremely confident that this is a brilliant plan to dismantle this irritating vortex of suck, which is your guarantee that it will fail spectacularly and explode in his face. Because not only does nothing good happen in David Rosen’s office, but in fact, nothing good happens TO David Rosen. Period. He is the Ziggy of Scandal.


And sure enough, we learn Jake has a bug under David’s desk — like, RIGHT under there, where his leg would totally have brushed it by now if it weren’t a total plot contrivance — and is cocking his gun and ready for action. Who is doing security in these government buildings, and why aren’t they routinely swept for bugs? Oh, wait, of course: B-Everywhere.

Speaking, too, of cocked guns and action:

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 17, “Put A Ring On It”

This episode was much better — it felt like a step back to the Scandal of yore, albeit slightly marred by the fact that it’s HARD to backtrack when just last week Huck was cutting the throat of a young woman so casually, for selfish motivations that he made sound so urgent (and yet also so appalling). Cut bait on B-Exhausting, y’all, because your characters flourish more when they’re not under that weight.

It focuses on Cyrus. If you’d wondered how things were going with his contracted concubine, the answer is: not well.


It would seem that Michael is becoming a self-sabotaging drunk. He got caught on camera getting frisky with another man at a bar, which pokes holes in the story that Cyrus and his prostitute fell in love and are deeply committed to making him the male Julia Roberts.


Michael seems somewhat apologetic, but Cy is enraged, and the two of them spit all kinds of insults at each other because Cyrus wants no part of Michael AT ALL — not in James’s sacred bed, nor his sacred closet, nor his sacred bathroom if at all possible — and Michael feels trapped and bored and unloved and REALLY freaking envious of this awesome boardroom table, which he now knows he cannot live without. Me too, Michael. Me too.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 16, “It’s Good To Be Kink”

It’s the Lena Dunham episode, ladies and gents, and it is all about the bang — both the ones on her wig, and the sexual kind. scandal-recap-season-4-episode-16-10

Lena plays a brilliant former chemistry major turned ex-EPA employee who has decided to have kinky sex with all the Washington power players she can, and then write a tell-all. It’s like Hannah Horvath Goes To Washington, except without the science brain, and also, Hannah would maybe sleep with just one person and then overthink the rest of it. So let’s call it Bizarro Hannah Horvath Goes To Washington. And this shot of Lena in her lab goggles - from her Car Wash montage – is hilarious to me. She looks so menacing. Like she’s either cheating, or checking to see if Fred has taken a sip of his soy latte yet, because it includes a little surprise she whipped up last night. And the wig. What is there to say about Wig? It begs, “Don’t get distracted. This isn’t Lena Dunham. It’s a character.” But instead, we hear, “WIG ALERT. WE ARE AT WIGCON 1.” But it’s not even at its worst here. And look at me, giving you a cliffhanger like that. Okay. Ready to dive into the Kink Zone? Right-o: The episode opens with Abby being enraged, breaking off a piece of her mind and hurling it like a throwing star at Paul Adelstein’s neck: Read More


Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 15, “The Testimony of Diego Muñoz”

In case you’re wondering, “Diego Muñoz” is Huck’s real name. And you’re crazy if you didn’t think I just sung to myself, of this noted deathmonger, “Where In The World Is Harmin’ Man Diego?” Listen, I NEVER said I wasn’t a total hack.

Also not a hack: Susan Ross, bless her. Let’s start there.

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Abby has groomed and coached her to within an inch of her life, and she’s ready to go out and accept the president’s nomination for the veep spot. The show has at least FINALLY remembered the basics of government, and is acknowledging she has to get confirmed by the Senate and Congress, but the first step is a press conference. And Susan is READY, and I admire her decision not to wear Power Red, nor cut her hair into some kind of shellacked bob the likes of which would make an extremely effective planetary defense shield.

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Mellie has not smiled that wide since the ’80s. She can practically smell the presidency. It clearly has not occurred to her that if they turn this woman into an acceptable VP, she might actually be ABLE to make a run at the White House, and that in fact, ANY TIME AT ALL as vice-president makes Susan Ross more electable than Mellie. In fact, when this started, I thought Mellie was going to suggest HERSELF as VP. The fact that she didn’t, because she is obviously a terrible candidate and it would never work, makes her fantasy about the White House EVEN MORE INSANE.

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Susan turns it OUT at the press-conference… until she actually stops to process what she’s doing, and goes on a tittering digression that ends with a nervous giggle akin to what you’d hear if you sucked up a donkey with a Dustbuster. The media goes wild. Susan Ross’s Laugh is the new Howard Dean’s Barbaric Yawp, and so the White House has to special-order some PR spackle. They really ought to buy that stuff whenever it’s on special and just stockpile it in the basement.

Olivia, meanwhile, is in a bad way.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 14, “The Lawn Chair”

This episode, thematically, took on the maelstrom that was Ferguson. For recapping purposes I find it hard to weave in and out of that narrative while making capsy comments about Fitz’s relative worstness and Cyrus’s hair and whether people in the White House are stupid. So, the storylines in this recap are NOT presented in order of importance; instead, I’m getting the B-plot out of the way, so that I can tackle the A plot with (hopefully) the sensitivity it deserves.


So, in the vein of Lady Mary Crawley’s raging death vag (band name alert!), the Veep job has a zero percent success rate. Sally “Crispy Piggy” Langston went insane and then murdered her husband, and Jon Tenney tried to overthrow Fitz (I feel you on that one, Jon), but through blackmail and kidnapping. Then Huck gave him a stroke and he’s probably not going to recover from it, so the next step is to nudge him out of the office on grounds of incapacitation, and pick a successor. The Daily Show in this universe would be having a field day about how little anyone wants to step into those doomed shoes. Fitz, to Cyrus’s astonishment, only wants to vet two ancient and dull and crusty candidates, rather than an up-and-comer who could make it the exciting four years Fitz promised. It’s also worth noting that Jon Tenney was NOBODY’S choice EXCEPT Fitz’s, so at this point his ability to judge a good Veep is on par with Huck’s ability to judge when to stop drilling holes into people.

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