Fug File: Scandal

Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 9, “Where The Sun Don’t Shine”

So, apparently, now that the sun isn’t shining and thus no one can go stand in it, Shondaland needs to make a new phrase happen. Unfortunately, they chose “little bitch baby,” an epithet Connor spat at Michaela in episode two of How To Get Away With Murder, and which Olivia Pope picks up here and she and Cyrus use it in one scene approximately eight hundred times (give or take), always at top volume. I want to scream. Do the writers of those shows work in the same building, as with Vampire Diaries and The Originals? Because this feels like the most obnoxious inside joke. Why are you people so proud of “little bitch baby”? Are you twelve?

We begin with the fallout from Rowangate:

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Special Forces has located the torture hole. Or, in clickbait terms, “When One Man Decided To Shut His Hole, You Won’t Believe How He Meant It.”

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You’ll be pleased to know that Mama Pope looks exactly the same as the last time we saw her, despite spending so many moons living underground in a box. I would be SCREAMING for my prison-issue bologna sandwich, but then again, Rowan Pope probably poured $30-a-glass wine down a tube into her mouth, because to him that’s the cheap stuff. So she probably ate low-level caviar down there. And now she’s happy because she’s just sure Olivia will tell Fitz and Jake that they can’t keep her because she hasn’t been charged with anything.

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Olivia’s response is basically, “Okay, then charge her, lock her up, and then KILL THE HELL OUT OF MY FATHER.” Mama Pope seems surprised by this. I can’t think why. Perhaps there were some ill-effects of Torture Hole, like common-sense erosion.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 8, “The Last Supper”

Just for fun — as an experiment — I’ve decided to do this recap as a ranking, somewhat a la The Good Wife. In this case, it’s a Suck Index, although that’s rather blunt so maybe it’s just a Worst of the Week scale. Because everyone is bad, but who is just meh, and who is SINCERELY THE WORST? Let me tell you, it was a tough call. I may have punted.

15. Mellie


Mellie is not as rotten-to-the-core as she’s been in previous seasons — although she’s a bit put-upon for someone who has authored some of her own personal demise, like faking a miscarriage for PR reasons — and this week, she is Taking Action, as you can see by her power-red outfits. They are red like her beating heart and the heat of her lust. Mellie is going to SEX YOU UP. If you replace the word “you” with “Jon Tenney.”


See, Jon here was finishing up at a function when his car blew up, which the government suspects to be the West Angola Liberation Front (not to be confused with the Liberation Front of West Angola, which prefers to threaten people with uncomfortably long hugs and a relentless stream of clickbait titled things like, “Someone Told This West Angolan That He Couldn’t Sing. His Reaction Will Make You Applaud”). Mellie was so scared that he’d been blown to unhumpable smithereens that she had to run to see for herself — and then she clears the room and jumps his relatively intact bones.


Later, right when you think he’s going to tell her it’s Too Late, or Not A Good Idea, Mellie tells him that she pulled away from him because he chose the vice-presidency over her — I believe this refers to him dumping her at Fitz’s douchey behest — and then when Jerry died she recoiled from everything and everyone. She tells him that she’s experienced losing someone prematurely,without getting to say and feel and do everything you want to, and that it sucks. “When that bomb went off, I woke up. My body woke up,” she says. Translation: She wants to reap the veep. And I for one think Mellie deserves a harvest.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 7, “Baby Made A Mess”

This week, Scandal doesn’t mess around — it just cuts straight to the chase:


There is no lead-up to the wine. There is just wine. We begin with wine. Wine is the alpha of this show, and someday, when it ends, the last shot should be Olivia in the most resplendent wine cardigan of her life, picking up a giant goblet full of elixir and taking a rich sip.



Liv is on the phone with Fitz, of course. “So I say there’s hope and that means you call me every night?” she asks, as if this is ANY kind of surprise to her, as if they haven’t been down this road a hundred times. Liv. Seriously. This is the old neighborhood. All the same houses are on the same sides of the street, the same ugly metal fence is right there on the corner, and there’s still that same dude who knocks on your door at 2 a.m. hoping for some pity sex. It’s THE SAME.

Now that Olivia has said there is hope, Fitz wants to skip straight to the part where she goes bobbing for apples in his pants. “Is Jake being fed?” she counters. Fitz stiffens in a different way when she goes on and on about whether he’s getting sunlight and protection and time on the jungle gym and being cuddled three times a day by an armed guard dressed as a puppy, and generally everything else one might expect in Supermax prison when one allegedly murdered the president’s child. I mean, really, it’s just a very under decorated day-care center.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 6, “An Innocent Man”

I am mad-crazy sick right now, so it’s possible I will blow through this mother faster than usual. Just warning you. I can’t breathe through my nose and it’s doing that really alluring thing where the skin is starting to peel. Aren’t I delightful? In fact, I sort of feel like this:


Except Olivia isn’t sick of anything except celibacy and having sex dreams in which she’s thrown around like a rag doll, although they might actually just be sex memories. She wakes up discombobulated and upset. Dream Rowan has just yelled at her to wake up, and what’s more, she can’t figure out why her bedroom is so hideous.


Abby has no answers for her on that front. She just stayed over to make sure Olivia slept okay; she is not there to consult on interior design.


Scandal is still taking its new toy out for a spin every week. This time, it’s Fitz sitting out on Snack Balcony, icing the bloody and swollen knuckles he used to make stew out of Jake Ballard’s face. He’s surprised that Mellie is dressed in something that employs a zipper, and that she doesn’t smell of overcooked feet. Mellie explains that she has a state funeral to plan: President Cooper, this show’s version of Reagan, is dead, and somehow the First Lady is the one who’s stuck figuring out where to put all the doilies. Is that true? I feel like Washington probably has a Presidential Parting Manual and a whole committee of people on Old Dead Dude duty, so that no one person can put together something accidentally inappropriate. Like if Mellie decided on funeral music written entirely by Taylor Swift.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 5

This show made a couple curious choices that make me wonder whether this episode and the one prior – or even the two prior — had the deck shuffled on them a bit. One: Later on, Liv wears the EXACT same outfit she had on midway through the previous one. Two: This show opens with a lengthy segment about the case-of-the-week from TWO weeks ago — The Statutory Rapist Who Did Not Kill Her Stepdaughter — and since NOBODY CARES about that storyline, and even Scandal itself seems ambivalent right now, that’s a very strange thing to do after a strong ending to last week. Now, some of the pieces this week ARE inextricable from each other, and maybe it was just a wardrobe accident or emergency, but I’d be curious to know what (if any) pieces got moved around in the edit. ** Two commenters brought up that maybe this was the result of cutting out the Stephen Collins guest stint? I had forgotten that was supposed to happen (although he was only recurring as a news anchor, so I don’t know if his part would have been THAT major?). He tweeted about it Sept. 23, so it might be a LITTLE tight for it to have been in these episodes, too, and yet anything is possible. Let’s dispose of it quickly and then get to the better stuff:


As a refresher, they found video of Dead Stepdaughter being harassed in an elevator at her father’s workplace. Now Liv and Quinn are staking out the same workplace, I think — seriously, no one cares — and it’s only interesting because Quinn is a bit nasty to Olivia about why she’s suddenly in there doing the dirty work with them. Olivia responds, “My boyfriend is avoiding me.” Quinn gives her this look as if to say, “OMG, you too? PEOPLE AVOID OLIVIA POPE?” It made me laugh. It’s almost as if Quinn started to like her more in that second. And soon, they see a man appear and fight with a girl they recognize as Stepdaughter’s best friend. He smacks her. The girl reels backward but does not try to escape, grabbing instead at her face, and then the man executes her. They ID the man as a famously crooked ex-cop in D.C. who now does private security for firms like the one owned by Stepdaughter’s father, and the man menacingly tells the FIRST dead girl’s dad that he killed them BOTH to protect some key. But of course, the key is still missing. Why? Read More


Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 4

Back in the Felicity days, did anyone ever imagine Scott Foley would have ANY career success threatening to snap people’s necks, and wantonly murdering, and walking casually away from a car he just blew up? Did anyone even imagine that until about halfway through his Scandal tenure?


And yet here we are. Jake noticed a blinking red light underneath his car, so he turned tail and walked away and then unlocked it, which triggered the blast. Here is my question: B-Nefarious can do pretty much anything in the world and knows every secret there is, but no one there has figured out how to build a bomb without a crimson beacon of warning? Rethink yourselves, B-Cavalier.

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