Fug the Finale: The Voice

The weird subplot of this whole season was Christina Aguilera Refuses To Give Whole-Hearted Props To The Contestant Who Was On Mickey Mouse Club With Her. She would say things like, “You have a great voice… I mean, you’re kind of one-note, but, you know, it was a nice job.” I can’t figure out why. She didn’t initially remember him, and she’s a megastar, so hasn’t she sort of won that one? But she did admit on-air — when she finally decided she did recall his existence, and went backstage to give him a moderately sincere hug — that he had a crush on Britney. So maybe she’s playing out some adolescent hormonal drama.

Anyway, this all culminated with him performing a very cool cover of Jay Z’s “99 Problems” — which goes on to say, “but a bitch ain’t one,” though he only mouthed that word — and Christina got very huffy and offended about how she thought it was a strangely inappropriate message considering his wife and daughter were in the house (and whether you agree or not, I’d like to point out that this is coming from a woman who had a hit song called “Dirrty”), at which point Adam Levine apparently couldn’t stand her dismissiveness anymore and stood up and shouted, “It’s called a METAPHOR, CHRISTINA,” and everyone clapped. Except here’s the thing: It’s NOT called a metaphor. It’s called being slangy. I am pretty sure there is nothing metaphorical about that line in that song. I mean, maybe? I’m not Jay Z. But it seems pretty plain to me. It is what it is. Just own it, Adam. Sheesh. Then, even BETTER, Shannen Doherty hopped on Twitter right after and was all, “You guys, that song was NEVER about a woman, it’s ABOUT A DOG,” and she apparently meant it, except SHE was confusing it with Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “I Used To Love Her (But I Had To Kill Her), so basically, nobody knew what the hell anyone was talking about*** and it was kind of magical.

And then Christina didn’t wear pants. So in all, an eventful finale.

 *** Well. Apparently Jay Z did claim the song was about a K-9 unit, so while still not technically a metaphor, as a commenter pointed out, it is also not a literal slam on a lady. The important takeaway here: Shannen Doherty is the boss of us all.

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Comments (39):

  1. Kit

    OMG, trying to sneakily read your site at work is impossilbe if I’m *snort!* *chuckle* *choke on cookie* *guffawing*the whole time. Law is REALLY not that amusing. ;)

    Thanks for a great start to the week!

  2. Loren

    Here is a link to Jay-Z actually explaining that yes, “the bitch” in the song is the dog or K-9 unit: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xgrl58_jay-z-unravels-the-meaning-of-99-problems_news
    Shannen actually knew what was up!

  3. lori

    I’m thinking I must disagree on the metaphor piece. SN -I love that a discussion of Jay Z lyrics is even possible on my most favoritest fashion blog – you guys are awesome! Last verse – “I got 99 problems – being a bitch ain’t one.” So – a full on metaphor? Maybe not – but also not 100% literal. Just saying…

  4. Alice

    Doesn’t Tony have a son, not a daughter?? Haha

  5. neiges

    The “it’s a metaphor bit” was the fact that the b****y woman could be, metaphorically, life. At least that was his argument, but as you say, c’mon, can’t a person be slangy? It’s such a strange comment on Christina’s part. But well, the clothes, the clothes. Crazy stuff huh?

    • Heather

      But the song is about how the REST of his life is a bitch, so… I just don’t think it’s truly a metaphor, at all. I think Adam was reaching.

      • neiges

        Oh, I see what you mean. Yes he was trying to be politically correct. The whole argument just enerved me. I immediately thought you would mention it. So here we are!:-)

        • Erin

          I definitely laughed when he called it a metaphor. It just isn’t at all. Also, I kind of thought Tony Lucca was really smug and so I kind of loved when Christina was mean to him all of the time. Even though I don’t love her.

  6. Katie

    The only thing that kept me coming back to The Voice this season was wondering what new way Cee-lo would find to worship his cat or Xtina would find to worship her breasts.

  7. Lina

    I don’t understand how Christina suddenly looks fifteen years older than she is. The makeup and styling is so heavy. Maybe it’s meant to make her seem like the codgy old professor who’s had tenure for decades? Regardless, it is confusing.

    • Sandra

      Even codgy old professors who’ve had tenure for decades wear pants to work. Otherwise, they suddenly decided to become “consultants to industry” or to “spend more time with their families”.

  8. Jen

    Ha! I think you’re right, Cee-lo totally plays backyard touch football in that outfit!

    Have you seen the cover of Fast Company with him on it? That cat… OMG, it’s amazing. http://jezebel.com/5910033/of-course-cee+los-cat-is-on-the-cover-of-fast-company

  9. Janette

    Your commentary on the finale is the best part of this show. Well done.

  10. Joanne Pantin

    FYI , the song is in fact about a dog!

  11. lori

    Shut. The. Front. DOOR! Tony Freakin’ Lucca was on The Voice?! How did I not know?! I would have watched.

    There was a time when I was so in love with him….

    • Sylvia

      Thank you. He and Ryan were my guys. I didn’t have cable, but I’d sneak to my friend’s house and watch The New MMC religiously.

      Tony Lucca was a little older, so his crush on Brit is…odd. Plus, he was with Kerri then.

  12. Chloe

    The sight of Xtina sans pants caused me to audibly wimper and subsequently get weird looks from co-workers. Do they not understand the horrors of being trouser-less?!

  13. amys

    I held my breath during the duet with her finalist—I really thought one of the girls was going to pop out. She really needs better cleavage containment.

    • Kat

      She really needs better EVERYTHING! Who the heck is in charge of her? Certainly The Voice pays her enough to have a handler who can say, “Um, hey sweetie, time to finish knocking back that margarita and find some pants!” I mean really, if I have to stop drinking and find pants to go to work, she should too.

  14. katkin74

    Holy sh**. I had a whole post written about what I thought about her attitude that night. It has flown away in the sight of the studded panties. GIRL, YOU ARE ON TV. COVER IT UP. She acts like I imagine school on Saturday to be.

  15. witjunkie

    Well, the good thing is, these pictures of Christina have helped me realize it’s OK and in fact better that I don’t show the cleavage I used to. Because that’s just… it’s just a good reality check.

  16. Katie Lynn

    The other thing that totally killed me was how they were all talking about how ‘original’ the version of ’99 Problems’ was. NO IT WAS NOT. Hugo did it like 2 years ago and it’s way better.

  17. TonyG

    “I got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one
    If you havin’ girl problems I feel bad for you son
    I got 99 problems but a b*tch ain’t one.”

    Okay, there are the lyrics.

    The word “b*tch in line 1 of the chorus is followed in line 2 of the chorus by the word “girl”.

    He also talks about “hoes” aka “whores,” basically wordplay using derogatory terms about women to diss the police, but the power in the metaphor is what everyone thinks about those they would label b*tch and/or whores.

    Jay Z and his defenders can parse it anyway they like, but he is not just talking about a female dog.

    Totally, utterly, Team XTina on this one, especially since the contestant in question (who did not want to sing the song). Adam basically strong armed him into singing it order to strike at Christina, with whom he has been feuding all season.

    • neiges

      Ok, ok you got a point. Plus, you have to be clean on tv for the contestant’s sake. But Christina is still a hot mess and I wonder what she did to piss him off.

    • Amanda6

      Hear, hear. Just because one throwaway line in verse 2 happens to mention a K-9 unit, it doesn’t make the rest of the song magically about a female dog. I’m amazed that people are buying that excuse.

    • AK

      Yes, that’s what the chorus says, but once I read the rest of the song’s lyrics, I found myself thinking of that line in Clueless, “most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily misogynistic undertone.”

      Basically, he goes on to tell a story about a “hoe” but says that he’s not telling a story about one with a [synonym for cat], but one who IS a [synonym for cat]. He’s clearly talking about getting pulled over by a male cop for speeding away from paparazzi.

      I’m not usually one to stand up for how rappers talk about women, but after reading the lyrics, he doesn’t seem to actually be talking about women at any point.

      • Amanda6

        Saying that a dude is a p*ssy is insulting precisely because it’s meant to imply he’s more like a woman than a guy. Which is, in fact, misogynistic, because why would that even be an insult if it weren’t implied that women (p*ssy holders) are less than? So, yeah, even if he isn’t talking about a human female, he’s still using p*ssy ( as a proxy for ‘woman’) as an insult.

  18. Jules

    Xtina is an embarrassment to herself. I stopped watching the Voice in large part because of her. And the fact that the contestants can’t sing.

  19. Andrew S.

    Apparently, according to another MMCer that TMZ found last week, Christina had a crush on Tony back in the day but he was older than her and, at the time, going out wih Keri Russel. How dishy!

  20. june

    Christina may not have been entirely fair to Tony through out the season, but calling out 99 Problems on misogynistic language is totally fair (and she coached it in as gentle and inoffensive language as possible, probably because she KNEW she’d get flack for it. And getting flack for pointing out misogynistic language just proves how misogynistic the world is). I don’t care what Jay-z says it’s supposed to represent (I’m camp ‘Death of the author’ myself), regardless of what he meant, it totally comes off as a slur against women.

    (And don’t even try to deny that it wasn’t on purpose Adam. It was)

  21. vandalfan

    Yeah, anyone who believes the song does NOT refer to a woman is fooling themselves. Dog, indeed. ream on. This is as misogynistic as it comes.

  22. Mahastee

    Xtina in her Ageing Vegas Showgirl makeup and spiky underpants makes me grateful for all the pretentious floaty maxis Delta Goodrem wears on the Australian version.

    But I agree with her about that song. It’s gross. As is that young boy with his gyrations. Xtina’s red wedgie was also gross. Lye baths for the lot of them!

  23. realitygirl921

    The same story of Jay-Z’s song and the feud of Christina vs Tony and Adam is so old! She doesn’t give him full complements because he never sang a perfect song, in her and even my, opinion. Christina just says what she thinks and doesn’t give a darn what anyone else thinks. I think its time for a new story…

  24. ML

    You know, something tells me this isn’t the first time Xtina has used the line “I mean, you’re kind of one-note, but, you know, it was a nice job.”