Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Part II



Allow me to just say I don’t even plan to try to approximate Heather’s rendition of J.Lo. So I will say only this:





Onto Alexa. Did you happen to catch 24 Hour Fashion or whatever the heck her Lifetime show was called? It was not good. Everyone on the panel spent the whole time looking like they couldn’t believe what was happening to them, it looked like it was filmed in an abandoned warehouse on the backroads of Guam, and she wore this in the credit sequence:

That is like…I don’t even know what that is. It’s a…yeah. I’m out of words.

I’m also left speechless by this:

In fact, there seems to be a real Milk Maid thing going on with Alexa this year. Above, is the cow-milking ensemble (although I kind of like her wedges). Below, the formal Milk Maid look:

At least it has pockets? I don’t even know. I’m equally flummoxed by this:

That would be ADORABLE on Kiernan Shipka, but Kiernan Shipka is 12. Alexa Chung is, contrary to her general wardrobe, an actual grown-up; note also this pinafore, which I actually DID wear when I was 10, and this ridiculous get-up from the Met Gala. I often feel like I want to see these Fug Madness match-ups morph into actual physical wrestling matches, but this one I’d have to call before it even started, because I think J Lo would break Alexa over her knee like a twig.

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This is an intriguing match-up. I find of feel like, under any other circumstances, ne’er shall these ladies meet, but I don’t know their lives. Maybe Andrea Riseborough does all her vacuuming dressed thusly:

It’s a safe bet, though, that Ashanti is basically the only person EVER to wear this out in public:

I know you’ve already seen that look, but IT BEARS REMINDING. Because it is insane. It might be the worst look of the year. It makes this — for which I dinged her gently earlier in the year for being a smidge too small – look like something you’d see on a Disney princess:

She does look fantastic from the neck up, I have to say. As, actually, does Andrea:

Although that dress looks a bit like the costume I’d use if I were costuming a movie in which a 19th century noblewoman died of the consumption….and then crawled out of her grave to haunt her husband.

This, I’d put her in for the movie where she plays, as Heather pointed out originally, Mary-Louise Parker Without Money for a Tailor. It is an abject tragedy, obviously:

NOTHING is more devastating than an adorable sequined gown brought to its knees by two superfluous inches at the hem. NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Okay, maybe except this:

That IS tragical. But that’s not all! In her archives, seek and ye shall find this perhaps-not-totally-terrible BUT perhaps also part denim get-up, this REALLY awkward Marchesa,  and bonus Helen Mirren. Look deep into your hearts, and vote:

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Comments (60):

  1. liz_bee

    Ashanti’s near flash of her…Ashanti…might carry her all the way to the final round. *shudder*

    • Karen

      I was thinking the exact same thing. It would be impressive indeed if a single outfit brought the Fug Madness crown.

      But, at the very least, perhaps it will bring her to a match-off with Erin Wasson…

    • Wendy

      Agreed. I voted for her just on the strength of the naked dress.

      • Stella

        I didn’t want to vote for Ashanti because she’s so LOOKATMELOOKATMELOOKATME!, but Andrea just isn’t as Fug as that awful naked dress.

    • Edith

      That dress is so horribly, TERRIBLY wrong that I don’t think I could ever NOT vote for her, when reminded of that monstrosity. I feel better about the vote looking at the other hideous things she ALSO wore this year, but that dress makes all other fug superfluous.

  2. Sylvia

    I voted for Ashanti and J.Lo. The latter because I want more commentary. But Alexa Chung IS wearing v-neck overalls. I understand the outrage.

    And yes, I think Ashanti can go far. I didn’t give her enough credit.

  3. laura

    Kuddos on ” A Chu”. If La Lopez makes it to the next round, can we please have Heather do her “Hola Lovers”? I love you Jessica, but I had to make up my own Hola Lovers and they were no where near as good as Heather’s…

    • Jessica

      She will. We trade off brackets, so it would be her turn.

      • Eliza Bennett

        I hope A Chu wins, though, because I need an encore of that hilarious “Child, you look a fool” commentary on her original fug madness entry. I do a fake Annie Potts voice in my head when I read that. “What are you wearing? You look like a Swedish migrant worker. (Tsk) Chiiiiiiiiild…you look a fool.” Also, La Lopez at least sometimes picks things that are flattering or just cool enough to stop before the exit to Crazytown. Chung just makes me STABBY.

  4. ML

    Oh, you just know there are laws against Full Frontal Ashanti in at least 36 of the 48 continental United States.

  5. Rosemarie

    Ashanti vs Andrea? Not even a contest.

  6. The Other Molly

    This is the weirdest Fug Madness ever.
    How can J Lo possibly be losing?
    *Pours a stiff drink*

  7. Marte

    Sometimes, pure fug wins over clear wack – which is why I voted for AC and AR over L.Lo and Ashanti. I don’t even understand myself, but the gut decides my voting…

    • maxameliana

      “Sometimes, pure fug wins over clear wack “. Best explanation ever.

  8. Stefanie

    So it just dawned on me I have NO IDEA why Alexis Chung is famous. Not one clue. Who is constantly trying to make her happen? Why is even invited to places? Is she only showing up in places looking like that because snarky comments are better than none at all? So many questions!

    Oh god, Ashanti. Put that shit AWAY.

    • Katharine

      Alexa Chung is… an editor. I think. Of some Vogue or other. And a fashion darling of all of those dreary samesame street photographers who hang out like bums with expensive cameras outside all the Fashion Weeks.

    • Kara

      Me neither. The media keeps telling me that she is A Thing, and I’m like “But why is she A Thing?” and the media’s like “It’s On with Alexa Chung!” and I’m like, “But why does she have a show in the first place?” It seems like people are less determined to make her happen, but she was all up in my shit for a while there and I still have no clue why I was supposed to care about her.

      And she dresses like shit. She and Ashanti got my votes. (Ashanti is another one where I’m not sure if she’s still A Thing, but at least I know definitively that she was A Thing once.) I really can’t believe she went outside with her vulva out. If you have to hold your purse in your lap to conceal your genitalia when you sit down, PICK ANOTHER DRESS.

      • Kimberli

        I love everything about your comment. I read it three times out of sheer enjoyment and commiseration. Brava!

    • Willow

      They seem to think she is amazingly famous in the UK. She really isn’t, her 1 show was an absolute flop and her Vogue column is ridiculed by nearly everyone.

  9. Riley

    I honestly don’t know what to make of Alexa Chung. In interviews and whatnot she always seems pretty laid back and unaffected, but she also seems to make a point of dressing in almost AGGRESSIVELY unflattering outfits. I choose to believe that that whole puritan/turn-of-the-20th-century schoolchild look is a long-running social experiment along the lines of the “Man Repeller” blog and James Franco’s General Hospital appearances.

    • Mair Mair

      Your theory is most amusing, but I suspect you’re giving Ms. Chung way more credit than she’s due.

  10. jen310

    I voted for J.Lo but I would not be mad to see Alexa Chung advance. Her twee, hipster, (so-called) high fashion fug style is ridiculous. J.Lo is so full of herself that it just enhances the fug of her sartorial choices which were cracked-out fug to begin with but Chung’s are just as cracked-out. Definitely a difficult match-up. Can’t wait to see who wins this one.
    Ashanti – Just NO. NO.
    Riswhatever was a formidable opponent but NO, Ashanti, NO. Ashanti FTW.

  11. Lindsay

    Jennifer Lopez is fierce to the max, but most of her outfits are a fugly mess.

  12. Melissa

    This might be the best description of a show ever: “Everyone on the panel spent the whole time looking like they couldn’t believe what was happening to them, it looked like it was filmed in an abandoned warehouse on the backroads of Guam”. Also, Ashanti needs to put it away and go up a size.

  13. Ann

    Te amo, Jennifer! Signed, your lover!

  14. vinniepop

    I like to chuckle and imagine that Ashanti had to walk around the whole evening with her arms aggressively akimbo while wearing her tilty crotch panel dress because she realized if she relaxed her shoulders it would slide down and make it an inappropriate sexy showtime for all concerned.

  15. Kristina

    Ashanti is going to ride that see-through sarcophagus of hers right to the top of this sucker.

  16. neiges

    Did Andrea Riseborough even have a chance??!
    I will just throw this in the conversation : I sort of like the second Chung look (V neck over-alls). And I have no patience for fake untalended latinas so, J LO it is for me.

  17. Widow Colby's Turban

    What kind of world is it in which the flamboyant fierceness that is JLo could be defeated by this tedious Chung nonentity? Oh, the humanity.

    • dvj

      The horror. Totally bizarre that AChu is winning. Impact on the world must be taken into account! I see an image of JLo almost every day, one way or another, and she is at least 80% fug and/or insane, on stage or off, or in-between on the Yo Show. Her undeniable hotness means she will never look dumpy (although she tried with high-waisted shorts), but that doesn’t stop her from being a Fug Supreme.

      I can never vote past the first round for someone who I only know b/c of GFY, where AChu appears b/c she wears some frumpy outfits in an attempt at personal style. Absolutely no impact on the world, and therefore her Fug can NEVER reign supreme.

      Except in screwing up my bracket.

  18. Susannah

    If La Lopez does fall to Alexa, I propose that J. Lo. narrate the rest of Fug Madness… just a thought…

  19. vandalfan

    In a contest between Meh and MY EYES! MY EYES! I think Meh is more deserving. On with Chung and Reisborough.

    Then again, the headbands plus possibly visible Brazilian are contenders, indeed.

  20. Kris10

    J. Lo constantly irritates me, and now I have a new reason to be irritated by her. See, I am on a budget, and occasionally shop at Kohls. Judge if you wish. I was fuming when I went in there this weekend and discovered that her flashy, tacky fashion line has crept over and is now crowding out the Elle line and the Lauren Conrad line, both of which sometimes have really great pieces. Again, judge if you wish. No one in central Nebraska should be dressing like J. Lo. Actually, no one at all. It was really hard to vote between her and Alexa Chung, who is maddening for different reasons. The agony!

    • Amber

      I agree, but I think you mean “fashion line”. Or maybe even “fashion” line.

  21. Allison

    What IS IT with Alexa Chung. I just don’t get it.

  22. Sandra

    In my professional opinion–cow-milking, not fashion–Ms. Chung’s outfits would scare the cows to the extent that their production would drop. If it’s too ugly for cows, it. is. just. too. ugly! JLo’s schtick is only interesting as a canvas on which Heather paints word-pictures, but at least she doesn’t involve poor innocent animals.

    Riseborough’s clothes are sometimes unflattering, but at least she’s wearing them. There’s no saving Ashanti.

  23. Willow

    Alexa must REALLY hate combs.

  24. Neil

    Yeah, this is really getting to be a problem. Owing to the bent-over-gasping-for-breath hilarity of the ‘Hola, Lovers!’ commentary I’m looking FORWARD to seeing J. Lo on these pages instead of doing what I should……double-takes in horror.

  25. Kid A

    I kind of like alexa chung. I think she makes sartorial mistakes sometimes but she IS photographed a lot and she likes to play with fashion. Mistakes will happen.

    I am from Denmark. Her style is very popular here and you will see quite a few Alexa Chung-look-a-likes in the street.

    I don’t know if you have to be famous for anything at all to be a style icon or a designer’s muse. You just have to be someone other people would like to be and look like. You guys may like Kate Middleton and Michelle Obama, but they are way too conservative (boring) for me. Alexa is sixties quirky, I like that
    Alexa Chung is pretty, she has cool friends in New York and London, she used to date at rockstar, she had her tv-presenting-jobs, her designs at Madewell and won numerous best dressed-awards in Europe. She photographs well. On top of that, she gets to wear all that beautiful clothes from the most coveted brands in the world.

    Shortly, she’s sort of a living and breathing version of the heroins you find in so many chic lits.. so I like reading about her. They should make a fictional tv-show based on her character. I for one would watch!!!

    • Poppy

      I’m with Kid A, I find Alexa Chang’s outfits quirky and fun. There’s more to clothes than always looking pretty and showing off your physique. And I also have to confess that I love the green sequin dress on Andrea.

      J Lo and Ashanti both reek of desperation, fug fug fug.

  26. Julia

    Well said above (Danish) poster. I like her style. She doesn´t always get it right, but at least she is trying to be interesting. And there is something unaffected about her I find endearing. Also, I have to say: if Alex Turner was in love with her for four years, she must be pretty amazing. I know that doesn´t prove anything about her style. I just cannot help but liking her, concidering how clever and talented (I think!) he is.

  27. María

    I wish the comments sections allowed “like”-ing because Fug Nation really gets going during Fug Madness. Soooo many amusing insights.

  28. Kimberli

    I gotta say I haven’t thought of Ashanti since 2002 or so, but I truly believe that one dress will take her to the top 4 at Fug Madness. That dress is an affront to all humanity and an atrocity against women.

  29. Girlin

    JLo and Ashanti…in both cases…the nakedness must stop!

  30. Gayle

    I don’t know why but I just like JLo .. no matter what she wears!
    And I love the way we think she talks.
    Does she really talk that way?

  31. Jodi

    That photo of Bjork makes me laugh out loud like a maniac. Every time. Every. Time. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank you for that.

  32. Hima

    I suspected that the main reason J. Lo did SO well in the last round – and this was stated outright by several people in the comments – was because everyone really wanted more of Heather’s HOLA LOVERS. So, I’m not surprised that she’s losing to Alexa without it. I still think she should win this one — her outfits are so entertainingly fug, while Alexa is just boring. Weird, yes. But mostly boring.

  33. Glenn

    If we keep voting for Ashtani it just FEEDS HER INSATIABLE NEED FOR ATTENTION.

  34. Soapstef

    I watched The Decendants a while back and in the special features they mentioned that they have feral chickens running around everywhere in Hawaii where they filmed. Only the sight of J.Lo in that red mess could bring to mind this fun factoid!

  35. Sajorina

    My votes went to Alexa & Ashanti because they’re so FUG that they deserve it!

  36. Neil

    I voted for A Chu, partly because most of the J Lo examples seem to be stage costumes, which I kind of feel I have to give her some kind of a pass on.

    As for what A Chu’s famous for, here in the UK she was a (replacement) presenter on a nsarky pop mucis show called Popworld, and since then has just seemed to be famous for being famous and featured in endless women’s magazines for being supposedly well-dressed (yeah right…).

    A friend of mine was at a showbizzy party Alexa was at a couple of years back. She was wearing an outfit similar to that in the credit sequence photo above and, not knowing who she was, my friend mistook her for one of the waiting staff. She was not amused…

  37. atz

    J Lo’s outfits are bizarre, but she definitely looks sexy in them. From the photos, J Lo appears to be totally comfortable and in her fringe and sequins. She is working those outfits, as odd and trashy as they are.

    Alexa, who is actually beautiful somewhere underneath it all, just looks like a complete mess. She also looks awkward and uncomfortable. I mean, if you’re going to wear a mumu, at least look like you’re relaxed. That’s what mumus are for. So, I voted for Alexa. She isn’t wearing her mumus, her mumus are wearing her.

  38. Rowan

    Alexa has SURELY got to terminate her contract to wear Karl Lagerfeld’s clothes, no amount of money is worth this self-abasement. Young celebrities are the milkmaids of creativity, churn!

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