(1) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (8) ALEXA CHUNG

Allow me to just say I don’t even plan to try to approximate Heather’s rendition of J.Lo. So I will say only this:

HOLA LOVERS!

HOLA LOVERS!

HOLA LOVERS!

ADIOS LOVERS!

Onto Alexa. Did you happen to catch 24 Hour Fashion or whatever the heck her Lifetime show was called? It was not good. Everyone on the panel spent the whole time looking like they couldn’t believe what was happening to them, it looked like it was filmed in an abandoned warehouse on the backroads of Guam, and she wore this in the credit sequence:

That is like…I don’t even know what that is. It’s a…yeah. I’m out of words.

I’m also left speechless by this:

In fact, there seems to be a real Milk Maid thing going on with Alexa this year. Above, is the cow-milking ensemble (although I kind of like her wedges). Below, the formal Milk Maid look:

At least it has pockets? I don’t even know. I’m equally flummoxed by this:

That would be ADORABLE on Kiernan Shipka, but Kiernan Shipka is 12. Alexa Chung is, contrary to her general wardrobe, an actual grown-up; note also this pinafore, which I actually DID wear when I was 10, and this ridiculous get-up from the Met Gala. I often feel like I want to see these Fug Madness match-ups morph into actual physical wrestling matches, but this one I’d have to call before it even started, because I think J Lo would break Alexa over her knee like a twig.

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(4) ASHANTI vs. (12) ANDREA RISEBOROUGH

This is an intriguing match-up. I find of feel like, under any other circumstances, ne’er shall these ladies meet, but I don’t know their lives. Maybe Andrea Riseborough does all her vacuuming dressed thusly:

It’s a safe bet, though, that Ashanti is basically the only person EVER to wear this out in public:

I know you’ve already seen that look, but IT BEARS REMINDING. Because it is insane. It might be the worst look of the year. It makes this — for which I dinged her gently earlier in the year for being a smidge too small – look like something you’d see on a Disney princess:

She does look fantastic from the neck up, I have to say. As, actually, does Andrea:

Although that dress looks a bit like the costume I’d use if I were costuming a movie in which a 19th century noblewoman died of the consumption….and then crawled out of her grave to haunt her husband.

This, I’d put her in for the movie where she plays, as Heather pointed out originally, Mary-Louise Parker Without Money for a Tailor. It is an abject tragedy, obviously:

NOTHING is more devastating than an adorable sequined gown brought to its knees by two superfluous inches at the hem. NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Okay, maybe except this:

That IS tragical. But that’s not all! In her archives, seek and ye shall find this perhaps-not-totally-terrible BUT perhaps also part denim get-up, this REALLY awkward Marchesa,  and bonus Helen Mirren. Look deep into your hearts, and vote:

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