Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part I

(2) JESSIE J vs (15) CASSIE

I would so like to psychoanalyze why a girl this pretty decides she needs to shave chunks of her hair off to stand out, but that would basically turn into a doctoral thesis and have to include chapters on Lady Gaga and Self-Erasure, Katy Perry and Bubblegum Dumb, and… well, let’s just say the list would be long and mighty and I’d come out of it with about four advanced degrees because there is so much material.

Besides, the hair isn’t even Cassie’s whole problem. She’d get a whole sub-section on mesh bustiers.

And a heading called “Sweatpants: Are You Depressed, At The Gym, Or Simply Too Lazy To Do Laundry?” Trust me, I don’t judge any of those. But I also try not to take those with me to fashion shows. A shredded leather jacket doesn’t make them okay. It makes me wonder if you got mugged on your way out for tampons.

Cassie does occasionally pull together some more refined fuggery (of that slideshow, that is the only photo that’s eligible, sadly), but is it POSSIBLY ever going to be more thorough than what Jessie J brings to the table?

Do you even need to see the front?

Last April, I wrote an entry about Jessie here — wearing one-legged pants, naturally — and noted of her, “I know the world REALLY wants Jessie J to happen over here. And maybe she will. It’s likely I will look back on this entry come next year’s Fug Madness and be all, “Silly me, how could I doubt the juggernaut?” So here we are, and my thoughts are: a) While she does have a great voice and I have warmed up to that a lot, b) she’s less a juggernaut than a fuggernaut. Consider this monstrosity, or the Hugely Nude Red Death over here, or Fug Shuttle Fuglantis orbiting the fugosphere. Or this entire slideshow.

Or this:

… Nice chastity belt?

Joan Collins once wore that to storm into Dex Dexter’s hotel room after a bad business deal and spurn his advances by saying, “Nobody takes me to the cleaners AND to bed in the same day.” Except she was wearing a turban. Strangely — or not — it needs the turban.

(3) BOOBS LEGSLY vs. (14) KE$HA

Boobs here ran afoul of some damnable Marchesa this year — or more specifically, she ran afoul of herself, when she didn’t turn down the aforementioned damnable Marchesa.

The toga wasn’t even the worst of it. Can you believe that sentence exists in nature? “The toga wasn’t the worst of it.” But it’s true.

 

The horrors of this gown rendered me mute at the time. It’s like if they remade Splash, and Daryl Hannah’s character thought Rogaine was body lotion.

Of course, she also ran afoul of some Chanel a few times, including one that I thought was Marchesa, on account of its inherent dumbness:

And even in the face of this flotilla, or the craziness above it, were they even her worst? How about this fancy-dress swimsuit? Or this slideshow? Or her entire archive, beginning with the Smurfy pantsuit? Her figure could write a country song, because it has been done wrong.

Her opponent is somebody who  is almost Boobs’ polar opposite: Despite being both boobsy and legsly, Ke$ha usually looks about as polished as an antique spoon in an attic. But let’s see what happens when she TRIES to spruce up.

I take it all back, Ke$ha. You and Boobs are SOULMATES.

Well, except for how surly you are. But even Serena Van Der Woodsen seems to have stopped brushing her hair, and girlfriend does love to flash a bra. She’d probably even have worn this heinous Versace-for-H&M caftan, had she not juiced the melons in this first. Man, my favorite thing about Fug Madness is when you discover a connection between two people who seem to share nothing except the color of their hair. Forget a winner here — let’s prevent these two from ever occupying the same space again, or else the ensuing chemical reaction might destroy us all.

But of course, don’t forget a winner, because that’s what it’s all about.

(6) LEA MICHELE vs. (11) ERIN WASSON

Okay, you guys, I can’t lie: I am pretty sure I know what’s going to happen in this one. Because although Erin Wasson didn’t do much this year, what she did bust out was eye-meltingly appalling. Like this terrible pants-and-bra ensemble, or, more famously, this one, a.k.a. Needy McAttentionWhore von Nakedstein Pantyfringe. But you know what? We’ve seen those panties, and that nakedness, before this year. Oh yes. She did it TWICE. (That we know of.) Want to see? I want you to see, but it’s NSFW. Erin Wasson’s entire oeuvre is NSFW. She is NSFL, with the L being LIFE. So consider yourself warned before scrolling.

Girl. Get over yourself.

But let’s try to make the case for Lea Michele anyway, right? I mean, it’s not like she’s DISINTERESTED in letting you have peeksies, as evidenced by her slit-wrangling at the Globes. And she busted out a rancid Marchesa herself this year. Plus there was this:

Meh. MEH. And like Erin, she’s no stranger to short stuff. Nor ugly stuff. Nor the constant threat of nipple.

Then again, Erin did more than threaten. She punched. Can Lea having a wack year outweigh the cringe felt ’round the world, or will Erin nip her — har, har — at the post?

(7) KRISTEN WIIG vs. (10) MIA WASIKOWSKA

This whole competition is about people who are their own worst enemies, but I feel it’s particularly acute in this matchup. Mia Wasikowska is a good actress who is highly sought after, and seems to WANT to develop an interesting style, but then all she picks is crinkly bags better suiting a bottle of Colt 45, or drab wrap dresses, or consumptive heroine couture. In fact, her whole archive is like, “Oh, maybe… nooooo.”

The red-eye in this photo is perfect, because I do think the Devil got her.

No, child. NO.

Then again:

This was one of my least favorite things of the whole year, in terms of Magnitude of Talent + DNA + Your Judgment Needs To Go To Rehab.

Jessica, when she fugged this, suggested we should just pretend it was a gag. Having seen the rest of what she wore this year — from nude, to more nude, to CHOKERGATE 2012, to this really dowdy black satin number — I can’t decide: Girlfriend does not know how to accessorize, but then again, she also rarely likes to have this much going on, so a joke is as likely as anything.