Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part I

(2) JESSIE J vs (15) CASSIE

I would so like to psychoanalyze why a girl this pretty decides she needs to shave chunks of her hair off to stand out, but that would basically turn into a doctoral thesis and have to include chapters on Lady Gaga and Self-Erasure, Katy Perry and Bubblegum Dumb, and… well, let’s just say the list would be long and mighty and I’d come out of it with about four advanced degrees because there is so much material.

Besides, the hair isn’t even Cassie’s whole problem. She’d get a whole sub-section on mesh bustiers.

And a heading called “Sweatpants: Are You Depressed, At The Gym, Or Simply Too Lazy To Do Laundry?” Trust me, I don’t judge any of those. But I also try not to take those with me to fashion shows. A shredded leather jacket doesn’t make them okay. It makes me wonder if you got mugged on your way out for tampons.

Cassie does occasionally pull together some more refined fuggery (of that slideshow, that is the only photo that’s eligible, sadly), but is it POSSIBLY ever going to be more thorough than what Jessie J brings to the table?

Do you even need to see the front?

Last April, I wrote an entry about Jessie here – wearing one-legged pants, naturally – and noted of her, “I know the world REALLY wants Jessie J to happen over here. And maybe she will. It’s likely I will look back on this entry come next year’s Fug Madness and be all, “Silly me, how could I doubt the juggernaut?” So here we are, and my thoughts are: a) While she does have a great voice and I have warmed up to that a lot, b) she’s less a juggernaut than a fuggernaut. Consider this monstrosity, or the Hugely Nude Red Death over here, or Fug Shuttle Fuglantis orbiting the fugosphere. Or this entire slideshow.

Or this:

… Nice chastity belt?

Joan Collins once wore that to storm into Dex Dexter’s hotel room after a bad business deal and spurn his advances by saying, “Nobody takes me to the cleaners AND to bed in the same day.” Except she was wearing a turban. Strangely — or not — it needs the turban.

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(3) BOOBS LEGSLY vs. (14) KE$HA

Boobs here ran afoul of some damnable Marchesa this year — or more specifically, she ran afoul of herself, when she didn’t turn down the aforementioned damnable Marchesa.

The toga wasn’t even the worst of it. Can you believe that sentence exists in nature? “The toga wasn’t the worst of it.” But it’s true.


The horrors of this gown rendered me mute at the time. It’s like if they remade Splash, and Daryl Hannah’s character thought Rogaine was body lotion.

Of course, she also ran afoul of some Chanel a few times, including one that I thought was Marchesa, on account of its inherent dumbness:

And even in the face of this flotilla, or the craziness above it, were they even her worst? How about this fancy-dress swimsuit? Or this slideshow? Or her entire archive, beginning with the Smurfy pantsuit? Her figure could write a country song, because it has been done wrong.

Her opponent is somebody who  is almost Boobs’ polar opposite: Despite being both boobsy and legsly, Ke$ha usually looks about as polished as an antique spoon in an attic. But let’s see what happens when she TRIES to spruce up.

I take it all back, Ke$ha. You and Boobs are SOULMATES.

Well, except for how surly you are. But even Serena Van Der Woodsen seems to have stopped brushing her hair, and girlfriend does love to flash a bra. She’d probably even have worn this heinous Versace-for-H&M caftan, had she not juiced the melons in this first. Man, my favorite thing about Fug Madness is when you discover a connection between two people who seem to share nothing except the color of their hair. Forget a winner here — let’s prevent these two from ever occupying the same space again, or else the ensuing chemical reaction might destroy us all.

But of course, don’t forget a winner, because that’s what it’s all about.

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Okay, you guys, I can’t lie: I am pretty sure I know what’s going to happen in this one. Because although Erin Wasson didn’t do much this year, what she did bust out was eye-meltingly appalling. Like this terrible pants-and-bra ensemble, or, more famously, this one, a.k.a. Needy McAttentionWhore von Nakedstein Pantyfringe. But you know what? We’ve seen those panties, and that nakedness, before this year. Oh yes. She did it TWICE. (That we know of.) Want to see? I want you to see, but it’s NSFW. Erin Wasson’s entire oeuvre is NSFW. She is NSFL, with the L being LIFE. So consider yourself warned before scrolling.

Girl. Get over yourself.

But let’s try to make the case for Lea Michele anyway, right? I mean, it’s not like she’s DISINTERESTED in letting you have peeksies, as evidenced by her slit-wrangling at the Globes. And she busted out a rancid Marchesa herself this year. Plus there was this:

Meh. MEH. And like Erin, she’s no stranger to short stuff. Nor ugly stuff. Nor the constant threat of nipple.

Then again, Erin did more than threaten. She punched. Can Lea having a wack year outweigh the cringe felt ’round the world, or will Erin nip her — har, har — at the post?

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This whole competition is about people who are their own worst enemies, but I feel it’s particularly acute in this matchup. Mia Wasikowska is a good actress who is highly sought after, and seems to WANT to develop an interesting style, but then all she picks is crinkly bags better suiting a bottle of Colt 45, or drab wrap dresses, or consumptive heroine couture. In fact, her whole archive is like, “Oh, maybe… nooooo.”

The red-eye in this photo is perfect, because I do think the Devil got her.

No, child. NO.

Then again:

This was one of my least favorite things of the whole year, in terms of Magnitude of Talent + DNA + Your Judgment Needs To Go To Rehab.

Jessica, when she fugged this, suggested we should just pretend it was a gag. Having seen the rest of what she wore this year — from nude, to more nude, to CHOKERGATE 2012, to this really dowdy black satin number — I can’t decide: Girlfriend does not know how to accessorize, but then again, she also rarely likes to have this much going on, so a joke is as likely as anything.

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Comments (58):

  1. Jessica

    Mia depresses me.

    • Heather

      I really love that you were the first comment on this, and that I KNEW that would be your comment. MIND MELD.

      • Fuh Ugh

        Mia vs. Kristen is like the battle of the sad boobs. It’s just …. sad

    • I.K.

      I was just about to say that, ye gods…

    • yeahandalso

      because she looks so depressed all the time, I think she is just slowly turning into the female Tobey Maguire in a few years people will realize she just sort of looks intelligent and sad but doesn’t actually act.

  2. Kristina

    I heard somewhere that the reason Cassie shaved half her head way back in the day was because she and Puffy got in a fight (because I guess at some point their were dating?) and he just chopped off some of her hair, right off the side of her head. So, if that were true, the shaving-the-head move would almost be a little…canny? Maybe? since so many other girls started doing it too.

    Look at her, making fugmonade out of fugmons.

  3. Kristina

    They were. Dating. Ugh.

  4. Whitney

    I voted for Cassie on the first one because I just couldn’t give Jessie J the satisfaction of knowing her horrible clothes got to me. Is that wrong?

  5. Erin

    When the outfits are pretty much equal in their fuggery, I have to defer to the head suit. If one’s head suit is in order, I give them the pass. At least they managed to get *something* right. Right?

  6. Robert Crofton

    I don’t know if I can read through all of the brackets. There is just TOO MUCH fug. My eyes hurt.

  7. Stefanie

    Jesse J. is terrible and I want to punch my radio any time a song of hers comes on.

    Boobs over Ke$ha because Boobs isnt looking the shock factor. Shes all ~*~*~high fashion.~*~*~

    Lea for the same reason as Boobs. That other lady is just trying to get a rise out of people and frankly, I do not approve.

    Mia depresses me too.

    • Amber

      Exactly–Boobs and Lea, because I don’t think the intention was to be fug. For Ke$ha and whatsherface, the intention, if not for fug, is definitely LOOK AT ME. The other two actually think they look good.

  8. jen310

    For the most part, these competitors suffer from trying to be edgy and high fashion and fail so miserably. Some are over-the-top while others are just clueless and I’m gonna have to give it to the clueless fuggers this year. Wiig – clueless. Boobs – clueless (K is just trying to dumpster-diving, DIY, edgy).
    Erin Wasson, OTOH, is clueless and skanky.
    Jessie J is edgy fug and its bad by she commits to it, Cassie is WTF fug. She is trying to be a “rock star” with that hair – her words not mine – and I know I shouldn’t let the fug be decided by one picture but, DAMN, who wears sweatpants to a fashion show? Really? That seals the fug victory for me.

  9. Lynne

    I actually don’t know who either Cassie or Jessie J are and I’m not the least bit interested in finding out. I can’t believe Boobs Legsly is going out this early but there’s just no way she can compete with the fuggery of Ke$ha.

  10. Kara

    Is Cassie still a thing? Like, does she still make music?

    Mia really is depressing. She just wears such drab stuff. And girl, makeup is fun! You should try it!

  11. Annie E

    Voting for Lea because I don’t want to see Wasson anymore.

  12. vandalfan

    Through a quirk of my ad block, the first photo that appeared was JJ in her hole-y leotard onesie and it made me invoke the Name of Our Lord.

    Boobs this year is a victim of the designers, Ke- buck- ha looks like a victim of bad hygiene.

    I’m mad at Lea for disparaging the reputation of the celestial Michelle Lee. Put it away, girlfriend!

    Mia Whatsernuts moves up solely because of her makeup.

  13. Damian

    Jessie J, Wiig, Boobs, Wasson

    Look here fug voters! Jessie J has worn so many bedazzled body suits that Cassie’s sweatpants of doom should not even be an option. This is hard for me because I love when Cassie fails at things. Her awful singing voice makes me happy. But this round belongs to Jessie and her Cleopatra wig.

    How can you ignore the Choker! THE CHOKER with a halter top gown. IN NUDE! That is just unacceptable. Click on that link.

    Boobs Legsly never wins but she really should. If Kesha couldn’t win last year when she looked her hottest of messes, then she should not be winning this year where she looked like she bathed regularly.

    At least we can agree that Erin Wasson looked awful. But consider these points. The choker! The bedazzled leg cast. The fringe!

  14. Willow

    Everyone I voted for is losing :(

    Had to vote for Cassie, I just cannot with that girl.

    Voted for Boobs because she is friends with Lagerfield and should bloody well have a better wardrobe.

    Lea Michele over Erin Wasson because Lea THINKS and she thinks so hard that she is glamorous AND THE MARCHESA QUAIL HUNTING DRESS!

    Kristen over Mia because of the dog choker, although Mia is like Michelle Williams on tranquillisers.

    • eee

      Everyone I voted for is losing

      Same here. I suck at the Madonna bracket, apparently.

  15. Soapstef

    Cassie is just a cute copy of Rihanna. The hair is just tragic!

  16. LGenz

    It pains me that Lea is going to lose this round. The desperation for validation that oozes from her pores is so fug. Stop with the “sexy” face

  17. Soj644

    I think this may be the hardest bracket yet. Most of the time I can easily pick at least one easy “winner” from a bracket. Now I actually have to go through the archives and document fashion atrocities so I can make a fully informed choice. Oh well, these papers didn’t really need to be graded right now.

  18. Emily

    So this past weekend I was visiting my 17-year-old niece, and she told me how much she thought I would love Jessie J. I didn’t think I had ever heard of her and laughed so hard when her name appeared on the Fug Madness brackets. She’s the girl with the bedazzled bodysuits!

  19. yeahandalso

    I picked Jessie J over Cassie, this is really Jessie’s year!!!! (I mean in this competition, I don’t think she’ll really ever have “her year” like her PR team thought she’s a music industry Sienna Miller or Gretchen Mol)

    I voted for Ke$ha, since Momsen didn’t really do anything this year Ke$ha just gets all the “I hate dumpster chic” votes. I like Blake because even though she doesn’t always make the best choices she rarely just rests on pretty the way some do.

    Everything about all of those pictures of Erin Wasson is hideous, desperate and tacky. It is really saying something when you appear to be trying harder than Lea Michelle…and we’ve all see her Maybeline ads we know she doesn’t need to dress like that to get looked at

    I hate to vote for Mia, because though the Bridesmaids success is probably changing that I am still sure she has way better access to clothes than Kristen….at least up until Awards season but still ugly clothes are worse than beige beige beige

  20. liz_bee

    In Fug Madness I find myself not voting for who fugs more, but for who thinks they don’t fug, when in fact they do. In other words, I’m voting based on perceived pretentiousness. Which is in itself pretentious. I’m the worst.

    • Janice

      That makes two of us then, liz_bee. With the exception of Boobs. I just couldn’t vote for her because I can’t stand Ke$ha. I hate even spelling it.

      Someday I would like to meet Boobs and call her that to her face. I’m sure she is aware of the nickname…

  21. ML

    And Madonna gets her revenge on me in HER bracket for taking Bangs’ fug over her fug in the Bjork bracket. Well played, Madge. Well played.

  22. EmSpeaks

    I don’t know who this Erin is, but I voted for her only because I don’t want to see Lea Michele for the rest of Fug Madness.

  23. KM

    OK – is it just me or does Wasson actually look sick? Not just poorly clad (or not-clad as the case may be) but ill?

  24. sdk

    Wiig vs. Wasikowska is the toughest for me so far. So, so, SO much wasted potential with those two. Do they just need to hire stylists?

    • Anne B

      One of them needs to burn her high-waisted pants in the backyard. I know that for sure.

  25. Vicki

    You guys, these are so haaaaaaaaaaaard. So much fuggery!

  26. crookedE

    I always thought that Boobs and Ke$ha look remarkably similar, actually. If Boobs were ever caught in a hurricane in the middle of a Ricky’s NYC, she would come out as Ke$ha.

  27. Ms. Chanandler Bong

    I’m bracket busting all over the place!

  28. Chris


    I seriously had to close my eyes and choose. I should have closed my eyes before looking at the ensembles, because wut.

    That said, I was going gung-ho Cassie, and she did not disappoint. AND THEN THE JESSIE J BODYSUIT.

    I also can’t see how Wiig is losing against Mia. Bridesmaids was not that good, Fug Nation.

  29. Alli

    Some of these were so hard to choose. They’re all so fug! I just want everyone to be a winner.

  30. vandalfan

    I now formally apologize to Lea M for mixing her up with the other one, the naked skanky one, but I CAN’T TELL THESE YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS APART! And as God is my witness I thought there were only two Kardashians. My lumbago’s acting up; back to my rocking chair on the porch.

    • anny

      [Tiptoeing around your lawn]

      • Anne B

        If you pick any of her flowers I’m coming after you with my walker.

      • Eliza Bennett

        Let’s all just note that both of my fave Fug Nation members are in this thread riffing off one another. Bless.

  31. MonMode

    I didn’t think the first one was that bad, but they just kept getting more and more disastrous… Yikes, ladies… Yikes.


  32. Genevieve

    Doing well in this bracket! yeah!
    I have Erin for the win! all those bones and the sad droopy SMALL tits (how can that even be!) –
    starvation skinny NOT attractive.

  33. deee

    I actually can’t believe that Lea M. is losing her round. She always tries waaaay too hard and looks terrible 90% of the time. Erin Wasson (whoever the hell she is) is scary, cringeworthy fug. We just need to leave her alone and hope she’ll get some therapy.

  34. jenny

    Word, Genevieve. Is Wasson trapped in some horrible Kate Moss ad from the 90s? Does she not realize that we all moved on, and no one’s interested in her oh-so-original starved addict look?

  35. Darren

    Jessie J is THE WORST. Her outfits are a visual interpretation of how she always feels the need to oversing everything.

    I voted for Boobs because I highly doubt Ke$ha gives a F about the idea of “fug” in itself. Plus, remember when Boobs toned down her style when she was dating Leo Dicaprio for a few months? So she knows what she’s up to.

    Kristen and Mia is like the Battle of the Sads. Both so talened, but such…sad styling. A toss up but I went with Kristen as she’s a little older and should concievably know better.

  36. Anne B

    My only real comment for this bracket is about this Erin Wasson creature. I do not know who she is, but she strikes me as a woman who has no girlfriends at all.

    I mean, those are some naked outfits. Hard to imagine meeting SprayTan McNaked for brunch and shopping on a weekend.

  37. Megan

    How is Boobs loosing??? Kesha’s whole look is a calculated part of her public persona — the drunk-ish rock girl. I am so tired of Boobs being constantly hailed as some form of high fashion style goddess. She looks cheap and awful in almost every photo I see of her.

    • Spacelamb

      100% agreed. Ke$ha amateurishly dresses up affordable fashion with glitter and facepaint; Boobs wears dresses that cost tens of thousands of dollars EACH but look even worse.

  38. Sajorina

    This was really easy… Voted for Jesse J because Cassie just looks like she’s wearing a “Rico Suave” costume; Ke$ha because (Ew!) at least Boobs Legsly looks clean; Erin Wasson because her sctick is nakedness and barely clothed = FUG; and Kristen Wigg because her wardrobe appals & bores me to tears, while Mia takes chances and has A style!

  39. NYCGirl

    Jessie J– Fur. Camel Toe. THIS (http://gofugyourself.com/fugging-up-with-jessie-j-12-2011/40-principales-awards-2011-2).

    Kesha (No, I’m not using the stupid dollar sign.)– A lot of what Boobs wears is ridiculous, but at least she doesn’t look trashy and dirty.

    Erin Wasson– At least Lea Michele wears what could actually be called clothing.

    Kristen Wiig– I liked a number of the things Mia Wasikowska wore. And she didn’t wear high (elastic)-waisted black pants, brown boots, and a leopard-print top.

  40. lisas

    Mia’s face always makes me think of Martha Plimpton, so I’m nice to her because I love her doppelganger. This was an easy round, but my picks are different than everyone’s! I think I’m stricter on the “no costumes” thing, which removes a lot of pop tarts from the running. Perry’s always in costume, as is Gaga, Minaj, Jessie J, and Ke$ha. So they get no votes.

  41. stinalotta

    I was looking back through Lea’s archives and this sentence about her dress at the SAG awards made me laugh quite a bit. Oh the irony.

    “Angelina Jolie wouldn’t be out here forced to wrangle her own slit, let me tell you.”

  42. BooRad859

    I have to vote for Kesha because to me she is deliberately trying to look gross. And trying to look gross is as fugly as it gets.

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