Freaky Fug Friday: Kristen Stewart


freaky-fug-friday

And it’s BACK. Are you ready to win some books? I know you are. Thanks for helping us out with this, K Stew:

THE SITUATION:  Kristen Stewart, leaving (or heading to) the Balenciaga show in Paris, and POSSIBLY wearing shoes that are attached to her leather leggings, like you do. I’m wearing some now! (By which I mean, I’m wearing yoga pants.)

THE TASK: We haven’t done a haiku recently — due to not having done one of these in a while — so polish your 5-7-5 skillz and pen us a bitching haiku about K Stew that includes the words “vampire,” “leather” and “toes.” You can do it. Have some more coffee.

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on Sunday.

THE PRIZE: Five of you (5)* will win a copy of Abby McDonald’s new book, Getting Over Garrett Delaney.  What’s it about? Amazon tells us:

“Seventeen-year-old Sadie is in love: epic, heartfelt, and utterly onesided. The object of her obsession – ahem, affection – is her best friend, Garrett Delaney, who has been oblivious to Sadie’s feelings ever since he sauntered into her life and wowed her with his passion for Proust [...] But when Garrett leaves for a summer literary retreat, Sadie is sure that the absence will make his heart grow fonder – until he calls to say he’s fallen in love. [...] A heartbroken Sadie realizes that she’s finally had enough. It’s time for total Garrett detox.

It’s super cute, and I know you’ll enjoy it!

*Unfortunately, this contest is open to US residents only.

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Comments (177):

  1. taylor
    0

    nails painted with blood
    leather makes a vampire thirst
    lick a toe, k. stew!

  2. Grammar Geek
    0

    This is such a dorky question, but do you consider “vampire” to be two or three syllables? I actually pronounce it as three, but I feel like there might be some regional variation. My dictionary tells me either is acceptable.

    • Jessica
      0

      If it says either, I’d just use it the way it scans for you — I myself say it with three.

      • Lucille Austero
        0

        I don’t get it. Where’s the third syllable? VAM-PIRE. All I get is two, no matter how many times I say it in my head.

      • Mahastee
        0

        Some people say vam-PI-ah. Or like me, say vam-peer (vampyr) just for fun
        : )

  3. Gigi
    0

    Scuba diving, I
    met a vampire shark who ate
    my leather toe gloves

  4. Chloe
    0

    Dating a vampire
    Means you have to wear leather
    Edward sucks my toes

  5. cc
    0

    Most vampires fear sun
    But even her toes know that
    They should fear leather

  6. cole
    0

    like pickled pigs feet
    encased in a leather jar
    vampires eat them

  7. L
    0

    Doth daytime vampire
    With leather legs and cold toes
    Vant to suck some fug?

  8. Marie
    0

    Vampire leather toes
    Is Aquaman in Paris?
    K-Stew wants to hang!

  9. Meghan
    0

    Vampire

    Toes and torso: spring.
    Leather clad legs and feet: fall.
    Vampire: all seasons.

  10. christine christine
    0

    freed from leather jail
    vampire toes seek the sunlight
    heedless of glitter

  11. cookiegrun
    0

    Leather? Pleather? It’s
    Hard to be a vampire when
    the blood rushes to your toes!

  12. Jen
    0

    vampire maid offers
    spring’s blood petals dressed as toes
    beneath leather limbs

  13. KT
    0

    Tight leather pants and
    blood painted toes entice
    Sparkly vampires can’t resist.

  14. Diane
    0

    Freeing those vampire
    toes from all that leather is
    a big Fashion Don’t

  15. Susan
    0

    vampire i
    play but am not me
    but for now

  16. foo
    0

    From Nosfera Toe
    Leather vampire collection
    You too can have sole

  17. Anissa
    0

    Leather vampires?
    Watch AHS Season 2;
    now with open toes.

  18. Pants are good
    0

    Her toes rise from a
    Leather coffin, a vampire
    Of street germs. FASHION!

  19. Veronica B.
    0

    Leather pants are common
    On vampires – not so much
    Peasant tops and peep-toes

  20. Lucille Austero
    0

    I don’t meed the residency requirements, and I made vampires plural which might disqualify me anyway, but I had to share …

    If only leather
    Went from head to toes, vampires
    Could not access me

  21. Katharina
    0

    Peep-toed chimaera:
    Leathery lady-mummy
    and sparkling vampire.

  22. amys
    0

    Ah, Paris in spring
    Smirks in S&M leather
    She-Vampire, cold toes

  23. B. Na.
    0

    wishing they too were
    leather encased, K-Stew’s toes
    cry vampire tears

  24. Rene
    0

    Vampire sparkle? No,
    True darkness needs leather skin.
    And toes tipped with blood.

  25. Blair's Head Band
    0

    Vampire toes, red-
    Bloodstained or essie “A List”?
    Leather hides bite marks.

  26. Jessica
    0

    At brunch, a proper
    Vampire pairs florals with her
    Open-toed leather.

  27. fishwatch
    0

    Dressed for FANGTASIA
    Bella will charm with her toes
    Eric likes leather

  28. fishwatch
    0

    OOPS, TRYING AGAIN:

    Dressed for FANGTASIA
    She charms vampires with her toes
    Eric like leather

  29. Mel
    0

    Vampire life is hard
    Leather makes my toes look fat
    God, I need a beer

  30. Sarah
    0

    Balenciaga
    Would not approve black leather,
    Peep toe, vampire pants

  31. amys
    0

    Hey there vampire girl
    Doesn’t leather make you sweat?
    At least toes breathe free

  32. cc
    0

    Her toes are fleeing
    Scared to be too near leather
    vampire polterwang

  33. Mandy
    0

    K-Stew is about
    Leather-clad Vampire-Sad
    Hide all but the toes

  34. Jules
    0

    Grandma’s Couch Above
    Leather Scuba Look Below
    Vampire Red On Toes.

  35. Jenfinite
    0

    Vampire haters unite
    Against horrifying toes
    Which creep from leather

  36. AnnL
    0

    Girl in a Vampire
    Haiku. Leather legging shoes?
    Her toes must be cold

  37. Monica
    0

    Vampy? Try vampire.
    In my leather pants,
    I show only toes.

  38. jjdaddyo
    0

    Bloody Vampire Toes
    Clenched, Sweaty Leather Nethers,
    Get Me Vagisil

  39. Mahastee
    0

    Maybe it’s because I’m in the middle of a BUFFY marathon, but I am digging the leather pants. She is young and slim, so why not? Also, I’m crappe at poetry.

  40. Crystal
    0

    Vampires can’t save her
    From flesh-eating leather hooves
    Lone toes may survive?

  41. TG
    0

    Leather, dark as night
    With blood-red toes seeking light.
    Vampire’s great fright!

  42. AnnL
    0

    Question for all the
    Bella fan-girls: Do vampires
    love leather toe pants?

  43. Megan
    0

    Vampire footies.
    Is leather the new garlic?
    Edward wouldn’t bite.

  44. amys
    0

    Edward loves my toes
    He said leather’s vampire’s friend
    I suspect he lied

  45. TonyG
    0

    The toes are last to
    morph when a vampire becomes
    a leather mermaid

  46. Arielle
    0

    proper top, porno
    bottom, toes exposed for a
    vampire suckle

  47. What what
    0

    Anti-vampire pants
    of leather should not stop at
    your waist: toes to neck.

  48. Sarah
    0

    Leather pants-shoes blend?
    Allows access to vampires
    with toe fetishes

  49. marianna
    0

    Like a good vampire
    She’s wrapped in luscious leather
    Her toes wiggle free

  50. Piglet the Pooh
    0

    For leather and toes
    (and certainly a vampire)
    you cant’ beat Swinton

  51. Courtney
    0

    toes like a turtle head
    leather water-snake gams draw vampires
    moistness all around

  52. Piglet the Pooh
    0

    I’ll bet a vampire
    wearing leather pant-a-toes
    smells pretty awful

  53. liz
    0

    Leather shields vampire
    From sun, style and happiness
    Toes, arms, face, immune

  54. Piglet the Pooh
    0

    This leather shoe-toes
    vampire look beats “lace dress big
    black undies” (Fergie)

  55. Jennyb114
    0

    Vampire in leather
    Ultimate gothic wet dream
    Come hither! wink toes

    i couldn’t decide if Vampire was two syllables or three…

  56. CMoney
    0

    Toes can breathe freely
    Spring Volturi Vampire
    Leather Collection

  57. MB
    0

    The leather blocketh
    Hungry vampires’ desire
    sans a taste of toe

  58. Candy Jo
    0

    “Hence is this vampire?”
    “Leather-bound, she’s of Toewich”
    “Of Which Wich?” “Toe, Bitch!”

  59. Lupe
    0

    Even vampire beaus
    Cannot weather the leather
    Wrapped ’round Bella’s toes.

  60. Lindsay-Jean
    0

    opened toed leather…
    pants?! a sparkle-less vampire
    with a saggy crotch

  61. Heather
    0

    Omigod, these are all so great. Fug girls, you have your work cut out for you!!

  62. sdk
    0

    Good Sandy on top
    Bad Sandy on the bottom
    Schizophrenic Grease.

  63. Dave
    0

    Really? styled as a leathered vampire?
    looks like the female 1993 McGuyver..
    So hide your toes and wear a proper shoe, KStew

  64. jamie
    0

    Peep-toe leather pants
    Show off your Vampire White Skin
    In the wrong places.

  65. misha
    0

    Leather in her eyes
    And lathered on her body
    But never on toes!

  66. amys
    0

    Laura Ashley North
    Dominatrix South: mope, mope
    Vampire toes, leather

  67. Chelsea
    0

    Feast your eyes, Vampire
    on my bunchy leather crotch
    and yum, exposed toes

  68. Molly
    0

    Missing the vamp. Ire!
    No matter how much leather
    Your toes will be cold.

  69. jamie
    0

    Vampire pale toes flee
    the scene of a bloody crime
    against leather pants

  70. Dabney
    0

    Sheggings by K Stew
    Leather leggings show the toes
    For vampires only

  71. Dabney
    0

    btw, sheggings = shoe leggings (TM me)

  72. Katie
    0

    Black leather stirrup / legging shoes? My eyes bleed like / bloodred vampire toes.

  73. Kelly
    0

    Leather leg condom
    But Stewart left out her toes
    For her vampire Ed

  74. Amanda
    0

    No vampire could
    Scare me to my very toes
    Like Stew in leather

  75. Jen
    0

    Leather shoes with pants
    Shants? Hipster vampire, she has
    Claus-TOES-phobia

  76. Paige
    0

    Vampire braves the sun.
    Her leather uni-legs make
    Edward’s toes sparkle.

  77. TonyG
    0

    Leather polterwangs hint
    that R-Pattz’s freak curls my toes
    His “vampire” never sleeps

  78. TonyG
    0

    Leather polterwangs hint
    R-Pattz’s freak curls my toes
    His “vampire” never sleeps

  79. Alison
    0

    haikus are nonsense
    this outfit is nonsense too
    vampire toe leather

  80. Krystal
    0

    Leather pants, so tight
    But my vampire likes leather
    And so do my toes

  81. Paige
    0

    Can we have more than 1 entry? Well, at the risk of disqualifying myself, here we go:

    Leathered foot, why so
    forlorn? Cloaked in darkness but
    for your vampire toes.

  82. CeeCee
    0

    Vampire’s Smiles:
    Those toes thrust from leather lips,
    Mouths of blood-tipped teeth.

  83. Heather
    0

    Morose vampire girl
    Toes snacking-accessible
    Leather shoe-pants suck

  84. geekchickknits
    0

    in vampire leather,
    your pedicure is twilight -
    dark falls on your toes

  85. AmandaLou
    0

    A vampire empire
    Brought low by toes that peep through
    Leather, bright as sun

  86. Lisa
    0

    Leather pant-shoes show
    My dainty crimson-tipped toes.
    Feast on me, vampire!

  87. KaTo
    0

    Toes must breath freely
    While leather strangles my legs
    It’s the vampire way

  88. Paige
    0

    Floral top, leather
    bottoms, bare toes. Who dresses
    in the dark? Vampires.

  89. Simon Bar Sinister
    0

    Balenciaga
    vampire, leather, and toes, but
    Where’s Lady Gaga?

    Lady G’s no vampire
    but she wears leather, has toes,
    and sews pants to shoes

    You’d think she’d be there
    Toes at Balenciaga
    in leather vamp drag

    Oh well, Kristen S
    I guess you’ll have to impress
    with Vampy Leath’ Toes

    So it goes

  90. Spice Jones
    0

    Leather with peep toe?
    Ample vampire ponders
    with Spanx they might work

  91. lauren
    0

    flesh is his diet
    but you want to stay intact
    leather compromise

  92. Kayle
    0

    Vampire protection
    Armor of silk and leather
    Showing toes? Worth death.

  93. Vicki
    0

    Leather encased toes
    A vampire takes notice
    Edward’s nose wrinkles

  94. Rebecca
    0

    Random toes peek out
    Vampire with leather skin
    We know your secret.

  95. Elizabethan
    0

    unless your vampire
    likes badly fitting leather
    he won’t suck your toes

  96. lindsay
    0

    It’s spring! Says the top.
    Vampire smiles. But toes – ESCAPE!
    Smiling leather tubes.

  97. CARLITOS
    0

    kinky vampire rule:
    expose your toes as yummy
    leather-clad morsels

  98. Tara
    0

    Pale vampire maiden
    leather scuba pants won’t work
    with peep-toes: leakage

  99. Aggy
    0

    Chaste Bella on top
    Ed’s leather clad wife below
    Vampire chic her toes

  100. CARLITOS
    0

    Okay so my first entry I did without reading anyone else’s, but this one was inspired by some of the funnier seasonal entries. I love these contests!

    Springtime for Vampires.
    Leather? Check. Flowers? Check. WAIT-
    Keep Them Toes Exposed!

    :-)

  101. Mahastee
    0

    My god Fug Nation is AMAZING!

  102. Lori
    0

    Leather pants ain’t cool
    When they droop in the crouch, feh!
    Yum vampire toes

    • Lori
      0

      Oh hells bells, I wrote crouch instead of crotch!! What the hell is a crouch??

      Leather pants ain’t cool
      When they droop in the crotch, feh!
      Yum vampire toes

  103. Meginha
    0

    Leather-dipped K.Stew
    Has Achilles’ toes in front
    Poor mortal vampire

  104. Taylor
    0

    What happens when a
    Vampire is dipped in leather
    Right up to her toes?

  105. Moon
    0

    You’re thinking leather,
    vampires, and toes. I’m thinking
    I’m Sandy from Grease.

  106. Taylor
    0

    Vampires do yoga
    In toeless leather leggings
    For quick getaway

  107. Hima
    0

    “Ill-Advised”

    You may take my toes,
    But you’ll ne’er take my leathers!
    Suck it, Vampire.

  108. LM
    0

    To avoid sparkle
    Leather vampire legs needed
    Breaking Dawn: Part toe.

  109. Francois
    0

    Ironic vampire
    Toes sticking out of bovine
    Kill her, make leather

  110. Amy
    0

    Blood-tipped piggies peek
    From sausage leather casings
    Suckling vampire toes

  111. msg
    0

    Her red toes a-fire
    bat leather-skinned legs vam-pired
    She’s Bella inpired.

    • msg
      0

      Oops! left out an ‘s’

      Her red toes a-fire
      bat leather-skinned legs vam-pired
      She’s Bella inspired.

  112. hannah
    0

    Holy water? No:
    Sweat! Drips down leather, hits toes
    and vampire-proofs them.

  113. Amy
    0

    Mirror, who’s fairest?
    My leather-clad vampire toes?
    We’ll have to assume.

  114. Em
    0

    Stewed in leather clothes
    Ne’er would a starved vampire
    Gnaw on Kristen’s toes

    (Disqualified by location, but would like to share.)

  115. Stephanie
    0

    The red vampire toes?
    The fugly leather shoe-pants?
    This needs stake through heart

  116. Kaela Wheeler
    0

    Those leather pants-shoes
    Make your thighs say, “vampire”, but,
    Your toes, “Jar jar Binks”

  117. ChezRebecca
    0

    These leather shoe-pants,
    Are great for us vampires,
    But don’t burn your toes!

  118. NumberSix
    0

    Fear foot-fond vampire
    Leather chastity shoe-pants
    Protect not your toes

  119. NumberSix
    0

    Ha! I swear I did not read any of the comments before posting “shoe-pants.” Great minds, huh?

  120. Dana
    0

    Red open toes yes!
    But K-Stew are those leather
    Pants or boots or What?

  121. Nicole B.
    0

    my vampire days past,
    leather peep-toes ask to be
    cast in hunger games

  122. Allison
    0

    Silly, Vampire!
    Wearing leather pants sans toes
    Is for Karl L.!

  123. Liz P.
    0

    Beautiful face but
    Girl’s got vampire leather toes
    That’s a dealbreaker

  124. Liz M
    0

    Vampires: the undead.
    Forced to wear leather toe sleeves,
    They’d wish they could die.

  125. Caroline
    0

    Vampires can’t bite
    Through leather, but watch out for
    Those foot fetishes.

  126. Marti
    0

    Bella’s got leath-ings
    Edward glitters with delight
    Twi-hard sigh with joy

  127. Marti
    0

    Re-read the rules — new haiku

    All leather, red toes
    Makes Ed a happy vampire
    Twi-hards swoon blood love

  128. Marti
    0

    Fashion smashion, ha!
    Red toe vampires leather bound
    It ain’t a good look….

  129. Marti
    0

    Leath-ings show red toe
    Vampires need to see some skin
    Ed needs more than nails

  130. Jess C
    0

    Leather pantashoes:
    worn so vampire boyfriends
    can nibble your toes.

  131. Chelsey
    0

    JLo once told me
    Vampires will ignore toes
    If leather is near.

  132. Sarah
    0

    [I'm Canadian so I'm playing for participation marks only]

    Is this fetish gear?
    Or Vampire leather day wear?
    Her toes don’t sparkle.

  133. kris
    0

    Leather feety pjs
    smirking leather clad vampire
    so cold my toes

  134. KSp
    0

    Tiny pants-vampires
    can bite ankles but not toes
    from leather cocoon

  135. Liz McCoy
    0

    Vampire hunting pants
    Toes can’t handle the leather
    People still tuck in?

  136. Amberoni
    0

    Vampire. Leather. Toes.
    K Stew fills requirements.
    Just barely. Again.

    OR

    K Stew’s leatherless
    Toes bleed, drawing vampire eyes.
    “Please, kill me again.”

  137. Xine
    0

    I don’t meet the residency requirement either, but here you go:

    Only expression:
    Open toes and vampire love
    leather explosions!

    Full length leather spanks
    Attracts vampires and big wolves
    Or is it the toes?

    Forks leading fashion:
    Vampires love leather onesies
    Wolves love open toes.

    Jacob likes leather
    Edward loves manicured toes.
    Kristen, learn to act.

    Vampire kryptonite:
    ankles. Cover in leather
    But let toes be free.

    Lime green stripe leads to
    Vampire leather bondage and
    naked painted toes.

    Leather scuba gear
    and open toes will not help
    fight evil vampires.

  138. Marilee
    0

    Slowly, my body
    morphs into soft black leather:
    blouse next and toes last.

  139. amys
    0

    Oh noes! Bella’s toes!
    Vampire Nation’s sad to see
    Leather in Paris

  140. amys
    0

    It’s vampire bedhead.
    Ten toes all went to Paris
    and said, “screw leather.”

    The French vampires gaze
    At zee leatherless toes and
    ponder lost earring

    (Insomnia is a bitch folks)

  141. nadia
    0

    Fashion vampire fail:
    floral meets leather meets toes?
    Go back to LA.

  142. Jessie
    0

    Leather camel toe
    Matches indifferent smirk
    Vampire style is dead!

  143. Cranky Old Batt
    0

    She will never get mistaken for someone with good breeding.

  144. Kat
    0

    Vampires love leather.
    And toes! (Human AND camel.)
    This? Vamp heroin.

    *not American, I just like counting syllables.

  145. TonyG
    0

    Hear ye, vampire Pattz
    No leather on blood-red toes
    Is my mating call

  146. Lori
    0

    Bloodless pale toes peek
    From endless leather leggings
    Vampire needs new shoes.

    • Lori
      0

      I accidently left out the comma between bloodless and pale. It should read:

      Bloodless, pale toes peek
      From endless leather leggings.
      Vampire needs new shoes.

  147. Kayle
    0

    Girl, where are your shoes?
    Vampires in leather? Sexy.
    Why emphasize toes?

  148. Lynsey
    0

    They come with peep toes
    These shiny black leather pants -
    What vampire needs socks?

  149. Sajorina
    0

    I just have to say that I love her shirt, but I don’t get why she’s only wearing one earring! And, I can see a little bit of her left heel, so both her toes and heels are exposed… Weird shoes!!!

  150. mouse
    0

    it’s not an earring,
    it’s the sun coming through
    her stringy extensions.