Fugger: Katie Holmes

Oscars Smartly Played, Katie Holmes


Much like how Angelina’s sudden and relentless game of Pop Goes The Thigh will always make me laugh (seriously, that was SO over the top that she HAS to have lost, or won, a bet, right?) so too will Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes always seem crazy to me. I know it’s been seven years, but whenever I see them together, I still think, “Really? This REALLY happened?”

However, Katie automatically gets a Well Played for resisting the temptation to design her own Oscar gown, thus forcing us to acknowledge that Holmes & Yang is still a real thing. But lets check out the full view and see if it wins on its own merits:

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Well Played, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise


KATIE HOLMES: I’ve figured out why you’ve looked so good lately.

TOM CRUISE: My very subtle but beautifully done surgical facial upkeep that you really don’t notice?

KATIE: No, although that’s excellent.

TOM: My wardrobe of impeccably tailored suits?

KATIE: No.

TOM: The fact that my INSANE CRAZY BEHAVIOR when we got married has started to fade from the minds of the public in the face of WAY CRAZIER behavior from people like Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?

KATIE: No.

TOM: Is it that everyone is relieved we’re still married in the face of such sham relationships as Kim Kardashian and that tall, marble-mouthed person she was pretending to be married to for TV?

KATIE: No.

TOM: Is it that I’ve finally gone back to my Maverick haircut and no longer look like I think I might be Justin Bieber?

KATIE: YES.

TOM: You’re welcome. You actually look lovely tonight too. Is that Dang An’ Homely?

KATIE: HOLMES AND YANG.

TOM: Bless you.

KATIE:  Yes, it is.

TOM: YOU ARE KIDDING ME.

KATIE: Why are you so surprised?

TOM: Because you actually look  — never mind. I’m not surprised. Let’s go find the caterer with the chicken strips! Protein is vital to my upkeep, precious wife.

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Fug and Jill


Behold the Cruise-Holmeses going out to celebrate Kate’s 33rd birthday:

I sincerely hope that part of what Tom got her was a whole new wardrobe. I also sincerely doubt that it’s a coincidence that Holmes and Yang (her vanity design project, which this, er, effort, has to be) anagrams to Egad Sham Nylon, because EGAD! Is that NYLON? It also, in case you were wondering, anagrams to Dangs an’ Homely, which is how I plan to refer to the line henceforce. That’s MY gift to her. (It’s kind of a mean gift.)

[Photo: Splash]

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Fug or Fab: Katie Holmes


I’m very concerned about what Katie Holmes’ participation in Jack and Jill says about Team Cruise’s opinion of her talents. This seems like an awfully desperate move. Remember when Wino Forever was in that heinous Mr. Deeds right after she got arrested, as if she was hoping The Sandler would make us all forget about that whole shoplifting malarkey? What is the shoplifting equivalent here? Scientology? Marriage? Everything on her resume since Dawson’s Creek and Pieces of April, including and perhaps especially that time she was on So You Think You Can Dance as someone who thought she could dance? I’m not sure, but let’s just say I bet Tom is glad he was busy — or “busy” — and could not make it, thus avoiding having to admit this movie exists. Oh, Katie. Methinks fuchsia boob hammock is not the sartorial Calgon that will make this all go away, but let’s take a closer look.

Yay or nay on the clothes?

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[Photos: Getty]

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Fugs and Fabs: Vanity Fair Armani Dinner


Yeah, okay, so this event was a few weeks ago. Sometimes things slip through the cracks, and in my brain, those are Grand Canyon sized. To compensate, I put in Josh Hartnett at the end. Because aren’t you the least bit curious what he looks like lo these many years removed from Pearl Harbor and [insert whatever else he's done since then here]? I didn’t realize I was until he was right there in front of me. Oh, Hartnett. Remember when you were a thing? Where did it all go?

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Pieces of Fug


Insert your “Katie…HomeLESS” joke here:

You know, except for the part where those clunky taco shoes (that is, by the way, the name of my new band: Clunky Taco Shoes) probably cost about $700.

But seriously, you guys, unless she is on break from filming a touching Lifetime movie about a down-on-her-luck Depression-era vixen who’s taken a job fixing up old jalopys (to the dismay of the head jalopy-mechanic, who will obviously eventually fall in love with her [played with remarkable lack of finesse and dead eyes by Eddie Cibrian]), THIS IS SERIOUSLY A NO-GO.

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