Yeah, okay, so this event was a few weeks ago. Sometimes things slip through the cracks, and in my brain, those are Grand Canyon sized. To compensate, I put in Josh Hartnett at the end. Because aren’t you the least bit curious what he looks like lo these many years removed from Pearl Harbor and [insert whatever else he's done since then here]? I didn’t realize I was until he was right there in front of me. Oh, Hartnett. Remember when you were a thing? Where did it all go?
Fugger: Katie Holmes
Insert your “Katie…HomeLESS” joke here:
You know, except for the part where those clunky taco shoes (that is, by the way, the name of my new band: Clunky Taco Shoes) probably cost about $700.
But seriously, you guys, unless she is on break from filming a touching Lifetime movie about a down-on-her-luck Depression-era vixen who’s taken a job fixing up old jalopys (to the dismay of the head jalopy-mechanic, who will obviously eventually fall in love with her [played with remarkable lack of finesse and dead eyes by Eddie Cibrian]), THIS IS SERIOUSLY A NO-GO.
“Sigh. Remember when I was dating Pacey? Man, I had it good. Do you think there’s a Sliding Doors alternate reality where he and I got married and our child wears flats and nobody looks at me and wonders what might have been? If you figure it out… maybe please zap me there, okay?”
“I’m Katie Holmes. I’m wearing a cute dress, semi-horrifying shoes, and an invisible cape of intense desperation, subliminally pleading with you, the Youth of America to a) go see my new movie, Katie Holmes Pretends To Care About Her Career and b) to PLEASE CARE ABOUT MY CAREER AGAIN. I swear, I used to be a PERSON, not The Lady Married To Tom Cruise. Really! Find an old person on the street and ask them about Dawson’s Creek! SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A WALL ONCE.”
There is so much to discuss here.
1) Fifteen new ways to wear jeans? I’m only aware of one: as pants. Very eager to hear how I might wear them as a bra, or on my spleen.
2) The cover line writer for InStyle seems bored. “Fall’s Amazing Shoes.” “Fall’s Five Smart Buys.” Zzz. Although I do appreciate that it’s five, and not 576.
3) Apparently one of the ten style rules to break now is, “Try not to put words under someone’s armpit.”
I think that covers it, right? Oh, well, I guess there is the minor issue of WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH HER FACE??!?Q@$?. This looks like a computerized composite of Katie Holmes, like she’s starring in one of those creepy movies like Polar Express or whatever where they try and ascribe your face to a CGI character. Or like someone else’s eyes were grafted onto Katie’s face. It reminds me of the time I had two photos of myself and a friend, from the same party, where we would’ve looked really cute in the first one if my eyes had been open — so I took my eyes from the second one and pasted them onto the first, and even though they were taken like seconds apart and we hadn’t moved positions or angles, I somehow looked like reanimated evil and my eyes resembled direct conduits to Satan’s mind grapes. I’m not saying Katie looks that nefarious here, but … I mean, she’s Katie Holmes. Surely her natural best was good enough.