Fug File: You The Jury

You The Jury: Carrie Underwood at the CMAs


I should just rename this category to “Carrie Underwood Gets Tried, Convicted, And Sent Up The River.”

Has the jury reached a verdict?

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[Photos: Getty, Splash]

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You The Jury: Carrie Underwood at the CMAs


It’s that time again: Carrie Underwood hosted an awards show that — seemingly — featured more of her costume changes than actual statuettes. So bring out your yellow lined notepads and Bic pens, and arrange your faces into your best impassive stares as you file into the box and consider the evidence before making a judgment.

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[Photos: WENN, Getty]

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You the Jury: Carrie Underwood at the CMAs


It’s probably supposed to be country music’s biggest night, but really, it’s Carrie Underwood’s stylist’s biggest night. Apparently Carrie Underwood had ten costume changes, but our photo sources only gave us access to these, so we must forge ahead and try not to feel the ache in our soul that we didn’t have a photo of the neck ruffle that looks like she wronged an accordion. Band together and examine the evidence before determining whether she is guilty or innocent of fug in the first degree. Or second. Or even third, if you want. So many degrees.

Jury, render your verdict:

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[Photos: Getty]

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You The Jury: Anne Hathaway Oscars Edition


Sunday night may have been the longest of Anne Hathaway’s career, and I am including any future gigs in that statement. It was, as E! said, THAT bad. But were her clothes? Reportedly Rachel Zoe was charging a fortune to handle the styling, and judging by the fact that most of the gowns were custom-made, she probably earned it — she really should name this kid Oscar, since this show basically bankrolled her maternity leave. Put on your judgment pants and take a tour through Exhibits A through H of Hathaway’s eight costume changes, and then decide whether you think Rachel did right by her client.

And, also, whether ANYONE did right by Anne, by allowing her to participate in this epic shitshow. I mean, it reduced her to being a Woo Girl. Did you notice that? Every time she introduced anyone, five seconds later, the exact same epic “WOOOOOOO!” emanated from Anne’s half of the stage. I half expected the camera to cut to her doing body shots off Hugh Jackman, before trying to roll up Giuliana Rancic and smoke her.

Your overall verdict on the clothes:

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Should Anne start making people pay handsomely for not stopping the runaway train that was this telecast?

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You The Jury: Carrie Underwood at the CMAs


Ah, the CMA Awards — technically it stands for Country Music Association, but we know it as Carrie Makes Apantloadofwardrobechanges, because La Underwood hosts the telecast and routinely swaps dresses at least six times. In the past we’ve put her on mock trial for this glut of fashion, and this year will be no different. All rise: You are in the court of the great nation of Fug, with our guest judge the Honorable Bai Ling presiding. Let’s get this party started.

Exhibit A:
The prosecution would like to know just how many Party City stores Carrie had to raid in order to complete this dress; the defense IMMEDIATELY and vociferously objects until it’s clear that I just typed the word “Party” and not “Panty,” because Panty City is a completely different place altogether. Judge Bai announces that she once bought a condo in Panty City but left it because it didn’t have a helipad. The prosecution is momentarily flummoxed by this, so the defense jumps into say that the gown is kind of cool and ornate in a flattering, fun-to-ponder way, and that the only demerit would be that the bottom half doesn’t rip off to create a nifty cocktail dress. The prosecution recovers and points out that, YES, that is a demerit, because that would be hilarious, especially if said skirt then doubled as a cape. The defense is all, WHO ARE YOU, and Judge Bai suggests that we move on because cape rhymes with Snape and Snape doesn’t wash his hair. Everyone is pleased to leave that strange moment behind.
Exhibit B:

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You The Jury: Jessica Biel


Jessica Biel is seriously making the rounds — I know she has the A-Team movie coming out, but by the time that premiere even happens, she’ll be a zombie. Although I guess she did just climb Kilamanjaro, so it’s possible that compared with scaling a massive chilly peak, showing up in a bunch of dresses with her hair done just-so is not a problem. It may have impacted her  judgment, though. Please come on down and get all evidenciary with me.

Exhibit A:

[Photo: WENN.com]

The prosecution suggests that this looks like a nicotine-stained caftan; the defense announces that it’s actually sort of striking and youthful. Aghast, the prosecutors express concern that the defense is unaware that the unofficial definition of “caftan” is, “garment worn by octagenarians as a swim cover-up, or cocktail-hour attire whenever the pool boy or a strapping plumber is finishing his duties.” The defense pauses for a moment, wiping tears of grief from its eyes and then choking that the prosecution is committing a crime against America by defiling the very garment cherished by many, if not all, of our fallen Golden Girls, and requests a moment of silence.

Exhibit B:

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