Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry, episode 6 recap

May I please share with you the prop that is the greatest metaphor for this show?

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Here is the dirty secret about I Wanna Canoe Hell River: It turned out to be well-cast, on the lady side. This doesn’t save the inherent meanness of it, but all but about two or three of the girls are just kind of there hanging out and having fun and getting a kick out of each other, and making the best of this weirdo situation, and that approach makes them EMINENTLY more watchable than if the entire cast were a bunch of brash Meghans and shit-stirring Kelleys. On a show whose main point in life is to cast aspersions on a) womankind’s ability to resist the allure of regal trappings, and b) womankind’s ability to believe any fairy-tale that’s convenient, and c) womankind’s ability to be smart, it’s a nice in-your-face moment that the actual takeaway from it is that you CAN throw a bunch of ladies into one house for several confining weeks and have many of them roll with it and be cool.

Well, most of them, until now. Because Kelley hates Meghan and Meghan hates Kelley. That is the entire theme of this week, which leads to The Most Dramatic Quiet Seated Chat Ever.

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That horse seems primed to walk by Mr. Fenton’s credit and soil it with vigor.

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We begin with a 5 a.m. wake-up from a drill sergeant, who barks at them in the fashion that reality TV loves best: It’s supposed to be entertaining to watch a guy stomp around and call a bunch of girls “maggots,” but actually, it’s irritatingly cliche, and before this recap is through I will want to punch him in his battalions.

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry recap, episode 5

With apologies to those of you who actually mind that this has taken me so long: Our patience is rewarded by truly awful production decisions, Kelley being nuts, and Kingsley being stuck holding the douche bag.

A note: I know this is super lame, because “I” “Wanna” “Marry” “Harry” is not Downton Abbey, please don’t post details about coming episodes, or who wins, in the comments. I am assuming 95 percent of us did NOT bother looking up spoilers, including me, and so we might as well try and keep this sacred experience as pure as possible (I am recapping them one by one so I’m not tainted by foreknowledge). I KNOW. IT’S LAME OF ME to take this that seriously. But I can’t help it. I’m invested now.

And finally: I really am sorry this is so late; I had some other matters to attend to first, like sending a flock of evil birds after The Scourge of Our Time:

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As Jess pointed out, all of these ladies should have Googled the names of all the EPs, because they could have divined that the man behind Man Hunters: Our Turkish Toyboys (“a look at single British women who travel to Turkey with the purpose of having sexual relationships with local Turkish men”) and Virgin School (“a shy 26-year-old man visits a school run for virgins to educate them in sexuality and all aspects of dating; will the training he receives allow him to ‘lose it’?”) MIGHT not actually have ANY SWAY AT ALL when it comes to the progeny of Her Maj. Also, it’s entirely possible he is British, because almost all the shows he’s worked on are UK productions — a factoid which, if true, I think near-totally absolves the U.S. of this monstrosity. We are rubber and the U.K. is glue, and yada yada yada maybe this will stick to them and not us. Not that I wish this plague upon the Mother Country either, but I will push the blame anywhere I can slide it, because I am so embarrassed by association.

This episode featured the worst creative I have ever seen, to the point where I’m wondering if something fell through and they had to patch it together in four hours. Even the girls can barely hide their disgust:

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This face says, “I bled like two weeks of my youth into this show and I want that time back.”

And this face says, “This is what it sounds like when the doves cry.” Further, it is the exact face I made when I realized what this episode was going to be — which is important to note because I actually watched this at the gym while sitting on a bike, so if anyone around me was paying attention, they got a serious eyeful of the autumn of my disbelief.

Here is the theme:

badness ahoy


Fug Brother: Julie Chen on Big Brother 16

“Julie Chen’s wearing a red velvet wine bag,” I texted Heather last night. “All’s right with the world.”

Two seconds later: “OMG IT’S A JUMPSUIT.” I guess I am supposed to expect the unexpected.

[Photo: ME.]


Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry recap, episode 4

First point of order: After episode two, the intro was re-recorded to remove “Harry, Prince of Wales,” and replace it with, “Prince Harry of Wales.” FOX is all about the deeply retroactive quality control, apparently.

Second point: Might as well tell you up front that next week, they are going to flat-out lie to these women that he IS Harry. I could see your show being MARGINALLY defensible — as a cruel psychology experiment — when you are planting simple seeds and watching them take root (or not), but this is twisting the knife. Actually, the whole thing is; trying to prove how stupid women are is the thesis either way, and I hope Fauxry AND Kingsley AND Danny Fenton get slapped silly.

I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4


Third point: When I watched this episode on Hulu, it was brought to me by the Texas tourism board. Texas: Because England Doesn’t Want Us Going There Anymore.

Fourth point: This episode was also brought to you by Photoshop.

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Specifically, the producers plonked Fauxry’s face onto this polo picture of Wills and Harry, in the hopes that it would trick the Woo Girls — oh, sorry, use “gentle persuasion,” which is also the name of my forthcoming ’90s R&B album with Boys II Men — into believing they are related. But they did not just change the face. Here is the original:

I Wanna Marry Harry recap episode 4

They also added A LOT OF HAIR. In a totally different color, by the way, than what is on the head of either Harry OR Fauxry. I get that Harry’s hair is very clearly NOT Fauxry’s, but at least get your tinting right, or your ANYTHING. It’s ridiculous. Also, I wonder how this makes Harry feel, as he sits in his apartment, pointedly not looking at pictures of Cressida’s sideboob in her backless jumpsuit, knowing that this greasy claptrap has felt it necessary to doctor his hair to look FULLER.

How does that make you feel, Harry?

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Fug The Show: I Wanna Marry Harry episode 3 recap

I wanted to get this up sooner, but I am too wooed by the allure of clearer Hulu-generated screen grabs, which means I can’t even START working on it until the next day (I refuse to watch it twice) and that it therefore also takes a backseat to things like Buying Food, or Being Cast As ‘Person Who Gives Luke His Helmet’ In The Beans’ Umpteenth Re-Enactment Of The X-Wing Battle In Star Wars. But here it is, and in the middle of the night, to boot. Fug Nation Overseas, this is my present to you.

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For a second, I thought someone went out and found a new Fauxry, because this shot — albeit still not great — makes Matthew Hicks look 100 percent more like the apocryphal “Henry, Prince of Wales,” that he is pretending to be. He should frown ALL THE TIME, because in every other shot the strands of pure goober in his DNA show through.

As you may not recall, Kimberly “won” last week and treated that like such an achievement of deep spiritual import that it actually made my heart hurt for her. The morning after, some random footman pops into Kimberly’s Crown Suite at the crack of dawn and tells her, “Sir has a very special surprise for you,” because look, Sir’s passions wait for no butler, and Kingsley Shackledolt needs his beauty sleep, mmmkay? Kimberly bubbles, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that COULD BE // Prince Harry,” so basically, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that could be from England I guess but is totally not Prince Harry.” Sniiip.

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The car pulls up, and Kimberly freaks out at the sight of a hot-air balloon, which she says is “like a unicorn to me.” In what sense? She thought they were mystical? Also, I can’t figure out why she was so surprised. The house IS RIGHT THERE. She could have seen that thing out the window and been like, “Oh, a unicorn, cool.” Maybe she lives on the other side of the house, but let’s not try and puncture my sense of superiority here with your unicorn horn of logic.

at least england is pretty


Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry, episode 2 recap

Well. Fug Nation UK, it seems as if this will be airing in your neck of the woods sometime next week. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and that I wish this show aired with the disclaimer, “The following television program in no way reflects the opinions nor intelligence level of American people, and in fact, all of the approximately four people who watched it in the U.S. only did so to scream at it. #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK.” And because I’m a glutton for punishment, I turned up for episode two. Join me if you dare.

Previously: Jankmaster Flex here is pretending that he might possibly conceivably maybe be Prince Harry, because the Laserdisc of facial recognition software declared him a 99 percent match.

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I think the next James Bond movie plot involves him breaking into America — as you do; we have very good deadbolts on the door — and burning the masters of this show. FOR ENGLAND, JAMES.

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In which we hope the swan chose exactly this moment to relieve itself all over his name.

The show begins with Kimberly poking the premise with a stick:

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She points out that she just doesn’t believe “they” would let Prince Harry around a bunch of crazy American girls. “I wouldn’t. Like, that should be a LAW,” she says. I suspect Prince Harry really enjoys being around crazy girls of all nationalities, because he’s a saucy ginger cad, and that the Queen routinely sits down with him and sighs and puts her head in her hands and grumbles, “JUST WRAP IT UP TIGHTLY MY BOY.”

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Unfortunately, the impact of Kimberly’s instinct that this show has nothing to do with Prince Harry is blunted somewhat by her belief that shirts have nothing to do with shoulders.

but what of the crown suite?