Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug The Show: I Wanna Marry Harry episode 3 recap

I wanted to get this up sooner, but I am too wooed by the allure of clearer Hulu-generated screen grabs, which means I can’t even START working on it until the next day (I refuse to watch it twice) and that it therefore also takes a backseat to things like Buying Food, or Being Cast As ‘Person Who Gives Luke His Helmet’ In The Beans’ Umpteenth Re-Enactment Of The X-Wing Battle In Star Wars. But here it is, and in the middle of the night, to boot. Fug Nation Overseas, this is my present to you.

I Wanna Marry Harry episode 3 recap (1)

For a second, I thought someone went out and found a new Fauxry, because this shot — albeit still not great — makes Matthew Hicks look 100 percent more like the apocryphal “Henry, Prince of Wales,” that he is pretending to be. He should frown ALL THE TIME, because in every other shot the strands of pure goober in his DNA show through.

As you may not recall, Kimberly “won” last week and treated that like such an achievement of deep spiritual import that it actually made my heart hurt for her. The morning after, some random footman pops into Kimberly’s Crown Suite at the crack of dawn and tells her, “Sir has a very special surprise for you,” because look, Sir’s passions wait for no butler, and Kingsley Shackledolt needs his beauty sleep, mmmkay? Kimberly bubbles, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that COULD BE // Prince Harry,” so basically, “I’m really excited to be going on a date with a guy that could be from England I guess but is totally not Prince Harry.” Sniiip.

I Wanna Marry Harry episode 3 recap (2)

The car pulls up, and Kimberly freaks out at the sight of a hot-air balloon, which she says is “like a unicorn to me.” In what sense? She thought they were mystical? Also, I can’t figure out why she was so surprised. The house IS RIGHT THERE. She could have seen that thing out the window and been like, “Oh, a unicorn, cool.” Maybe she lives on the other side of the house, but let’s not try and puncture my sense of superiority here with your unicorn horn of logic.

at least england is pretty


Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry, episode 2 recap

Well. Fug Nation UK, it seems as if this will be airing in your neck of the woods sometime next week. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and that I wish this show aired with the disclaimer, “The following television program in no way reflects the opinions nor intelligence level of American people, and in fact, all of the approximately four people who watched it in the U.S. only did so to scream at it. #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK.” And because I’m a glutton for punishment, I turned up for episode two. Join me if you dare.

Previously: Jankmaster Flex here is pretending that he might possibly conceivably maybe be Prince Harry, because the Laserdisc of facial recognition software declared him a 99 percent match.

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I think the next James Bond movie plot involves him breaking into America — as you do; we have very good deadbolts on the door — and burning the masters of this show. FOR ENGLAND, JAMES.

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In which we hope the swan chose exactly this moment to relieve itself all over his name.

The show begins with Kimberly poking the premise with a stick:

I Wanna Marry Harry, episode 2 recap (1)

She points out that she just doesn’t believe “they” would let Prince Harry around a bunch of crazy American girls. “I wouldn’t. Like, that should be a LAW,” she says. I suspect Prince Harry really enjoys being around crazy girls of all nationalities, because he’s a saucy ginger cad, and that the Queen routinely sits down with him and sighs and puts her head in her hands and grumbles, “JUST WRAP IT UP TIGHTLY MY BOY.”

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Unfortunately, the impact of Kimberly’s instinct that this show has nothing to do with Prince Harry is blunted somewhat by her belief that shirts have nothing to do with shoulders.

but what of the crown suite?


Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie Recap, Season 3 Finale

Well, now I am delighted that this show has been renewed, because this finale episode was great: funny, dramatic, emotional, surprising, very well-paced, well-costumed (we get Erdem AND Lanvin), full of Don Todd, and bringing with it the return of My Beloved Joel, who looks very handsome and is apparently dating a “comedy writer” in Los Angeles who I have decided IS TOTALLY ME. And we are very happy together, you guys. He’s amused by my obsession with the Royal Family and often brings me bagels. Additionally, news broke on Wednesday that Rachel Bilson is pregnant — maybe THAT is why she looked so bedraggled in the last two episodes — and watching them try to shoot around that is going to be amazing. (Although if the show is coming back at mid-season, they might be able to pull off some scheduling magic to accommodate her; if not, I look forward to the three episodes where Zoe has been abducted by aliens and is unaccountably absent from the show that bears her name. It worked for Agent Scully! Well. “Worked” is probably a bad choice of words.)

The episode opens with a (well-shot) recap of sorts from Carl Winslow, looking dapper in seersucker, during which we are reminded that Meatball is marrying Lily Anne:

That Barry Watson has proposed to AB, and she has asked him for some time to think about it, which is almost never a good sign:

And that Lemon kinda accidentally burned down Fancie’s, to the great dismay of George — although his dismay is not THAT great, because while Lemon is apologizing to him for lighting the place on fire, he’s looking at her through what I can only call SEX-O-VISION:

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry recap, episode 1

Hello, FOX Network Legal Department. So nice to meet your air quotes.

Let me begin by saying I hope Prince Harry sees this someday, and creates a vast and impossible drinking game for every element that is STUPIDER THAN SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED. Which is all of them. Which makes it perfect material for a Fugcap in which I take low-rent photographs of my TV set and write it in the wee hours of the morning. Y’ALL. I sat through this. It burned.

There are so many problems with this scorched fecal slapheap. It is not cut with a sense of humor. It is not imaginative. It is, I think, actually mean-spirited. It does not have a charismatic lead whose personality and charm make up for the fact that he makes about as convincing a Prince Harry as I do. It gets Harry’s title wrong. And there’s nothing IN IT for anyone except ridicule. At least on Joe Millionaire, the audience knew there was a carrot for the girl who made it to the end (if I’m remembering right, she found out when she chose him that they’d get to split a million dollars). The total lack of any kind of stakes here — the only prize is, apparently, true love with a guy whose red rinse will wash out in three days — makes this nothing but another poisonous little lens through which to peer and point and laugh and suggest that American women are dumb and desperate, with the added layer of an impersonator who is hoping to add “delusional” to the list of failings of The American Female, to see how thoroughly these women are willing to dupe themselves just to hope they’ll wear a crown someday. It’s a soulless prank on womankind. It is the most cringeworthy thing I have ever seen, and yes, that includes Joe Millionaire, and Average Joe, and For Love Or Money, and early seasons of The Bachelor that I watched before I ran screaming from that ship.

Okay, want to meet Faux Harry? Ladies, this is the Before shot of the man to watch out for, cycling around your England neighborhood:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, Season 2 Finale (Episode 22)

I had doubts about the music this season without T-Bone Burnett — I mean, generally, life is better with anything T-Bone, except maybe when you’re talking about a type of car wreck — ¬†and it’s true that it’s been only okay at times. I didn’t like any of Scarlett’s stuff, and Rayna’s new single is so blah, and her duet with Juliette is the worst. But Gunnar/Avery/Zoey were awesome together, and G’s stuff is generally still great, and I enjoy Juliette, and “A Life That’s Good” is also awesome but I can’t remember if we heard that one in Season 1 or not. Anyway. The point is, it wasn’t all bad, and yay, season three. ONWARD:

Maddie and Deacon are bonding over their mutual loves of super old country stars, with Deacon doing some subtle name-dropping of all the people who’ve invited him to play with them, because Deacon can make that kind of stuff seem folksy and charming because he’s not Gwyneth Paltrow and he’s not calling Billy Joel “William,” or in this case, Merle Haggard… um… Merlegatroyd.

Oh, and Maddie gave each of them this truly subtle photographic gift adorned with pieces of hope.

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie recap, Season 3, Episode 21

Thank god this show was renewed (although it’s being held for mid-season, and on what I assume is a reduced episode order; surely they’re just giving it enough for syndication), because the finale is tonight and it feels like there’s no way they would have been able to end it properly forever with how we stand now. I was joking to a friend the other day that if I were a show runner, and my renewal was in question, there would be a temptation to just end on a CRAZY ASS cliffhanger and make everyone deal with it. Put everyone in a house, fill it with blood-thirsty pirates, EXPLODE IT, and shrug.

That does not happen in BlueBell this week.