Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 3, episode 16


All righty, I’m doing this old-school style — no slideshow — for a variety of boring technical reasons (and as a semi-shout-out to Television Without Pity, which went dark yesterday), so get your scrolling finger warmed up and ready.

This episode of Scandal begins with Abby at the White House, doing Olivia Pope’s usual strut, and in an Imitation Olivia white coat. Cyrus treats her like a fly to be swatted, insisting she couldn’t possibly do Olivia’s job of speaking at an unrealistically rapid pace and bossing Fitz around a bit and then later having to concede every point and then also her pants. But Liv isn’t coming to work today because she’s punishing Fitz for being mopey about Andrew and Mellie, and thus ensuring she’s high on the list of people on this show who are unable to be professional. So it falls to Abby:

And rather than back her up, Cyrus just stands there and watches as everyone in the White House Pre-School Playpen totally ignores her. Fitz acts like a jerk, Fritz smolders, Mellie lusts in silence, there is resentment everywhere, and basically nobody is governing anything, as usual, because whatever, America is totally on auto-pilot, right?

Wombouflage #27: Academia. Liv is visiting her father at the real desk at his apparently real former fake cover job — I am confused by the fact that he was running B-Rontosaur this whole time and yet also apparently a bunch of people still think he works at the Smithsonian, enough so that he has actual things to do there. He is spilling to Liv the secrets of the realm: There is an algorithm skimming money from every department and from taxpayers, and funding an account for B-Jornborg. If that were true, wouldn’t Ron Livingston be Command and The Other Michael Bolton would be beating up office supplies with a baseball bat? Rowan tells Olivia that there is a spot on her Jump To Conclusions Mat that says, “Find algorithm and disable it, and B-Olton will die,” and she gamely agrees. So long as he promises not to harm Fitz. Rowan points out that Fitz may not see his second term REGARDLESS because he is an election-losing chump, but Olivia presses and so Rowan says he will not harm a hair on Fitz’s head. Olivia does not seem to remember that everyone in Washington, herself included, specializes in very carefully crafted language and conditional truths, so in fact, Rowan could easily pay someone else to harm even only one hair on Fitz’s head.

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Fug the Show: Revenge Recap, Season 3, Episode 17


Note:  Do I even know what’s happening in this show anymore? NOT REALLY. And that’s why I’m going to keep the actual recap so very short:

1) Olivier Martinez used to date Victoria and he had something to do with Aidan’s father’s role in the whole David Clarke thing because every human on the face of the earth is connected to this. (PS Aidan’s back because why not.) Emily does a LOT of desperate stuff to try to get on his good side — throwing a giant party for his charity and putting it on Daniel’s black AmEx (that part was kind of great), skulking around in tight dresses — and I am not really sure why she even needs to be on his good side? Regardless, Olivier Martinez is ride or die for Victoria Grayson (aren’t we all) and does not fall for any of Emily’s actually really patently obvious attempts to….do whatever she thinks having him on her side will accomplish. And he and Victoria hook up, to which I say: GOOD FOR YOU, VICKY.

2) Daniel: no one cares.

3) Charlotte: NO ONE CARES.

4) Nolan: You will soon see.

5) Margaux and Jack: Margaux continues to be the best person on this show, with the best outfits and the best accessories, all of which you will see in the slideshow. She gets offered a job in Rome and is all kind of Lauren Conrad about it because she doesn’t want to leave Jack and Jack is all, “don’t be cray,” and I am all, “SELL THAT CURSED BAR AND MOVE TO ROME WITH HER YOU IDIOT.” Nolan will visit and everyone else SUCKS. Arrivederci, you beautiful fools!

6) Conrad is either still in love with Stevie, who wears something TERRIBLE that I can’t wait to show you, or is in total asshat mode, but he talks her into giving back the deed to Grayson Manor, which is real dum on Stevie’s part. I am also really sad that I didn’t get to see poor Victoria living in an Oakwoods long-term rental situation and plotting her revenge.

To the outfits!

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Fug the Show: Nashville, season 2, episode 19


If you’ve been holding out for a decent Rayna and Deacon scene all season, you’ll get one here. FINALLY. But Sherri Shepherd’s absurdist ’70s fever-dream wig stands in your way.

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie Recap: Season 3 Episode 15


In which we find out how Hart of Dixie plans to jettison Joelle.

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Fug the Show: Recap of “Lindsay” on OWN, season 1, episode 4


You’re cruising along, thinking this is just an episode about pole-dancing and Jimmy Fallon, and them BOOM: implications that Lindsay off the wagon. They kind of might blame dental work for it? It’s all murky. Let’s discuss.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 3, episode 15


In which we meet the Grant children, for the purpose of unearthing Mellie and Jon Tenney’s affair. Really? Fitz and Olivia get to carry on for ages and Mellie’s bubble gets burst in one episode? NO JUSTICE. Also: More Quck (Quinn + Huck = Yuck with a Q), and this week’s anagram: April Fool’s Day.

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