Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: War and Peace Recap, Part 3

I just love this show. It’s absolutely chockablock with people making terrible romantic/life choices in amazing outfits/homes, during war, which is simply my favorite genre of anything. This week boasted fewer fur turbans than last week’s installment, but DEFINITELY more threats of murder. To catch you up:

ANDREI: Oh, Andrei. Remember how he took off for a year at the spa and Natasha told him she’d wait for him? Well, the stress of an LDR got to her and she let Anatole Kuragin (Helene’s brother/lover) weave a spell of sexual thrall upon her (more or less) and yada yada yada, Natasha and Andrei are broken up and he’s pretty sad about it because he thought he truly knew her soul and also now he has to kill Anatole for being such a depraved rake. Oh, also his father dropped dead, and they had been in a fight (about how mean Papa Bolkonsky always is to Marya, Andrei’s Noble Sister). Oh, also, Napoleon is coming. So he’s got a lot going on. He barely even had time to check on his favorite tree.

PIERRE: Oh Pierre. Poor sweet Pierre feels that his life is useless, despite his becoming a Freemason. He’s mostly depressed because he’s in love with Natasha but is, of course, married to Helene. Who kinda facilitated Natasha’s ruin at the hands of her brother/lover. And who is also pregnant. With someone else’s child. And planning to annul their marriage so she can marry this hot dude who doesn’t seem that into it. Pierre doesn’t know a lot of this yet, however, as he’s hanging around the Battle of Borodino to see if he can be of use, and also to try to talk Andrei into getting back together with Natasha.

NATASHA: OH NATASHA.Where even to begin! I understand that you were lonely and missed Andrei and thought he might be over you, and his father was very mean to you (you could not know that his father might have been losing his mind [right?]), and I understand why you believed that running away with Anatole was a good idea: you really wanted to sleep with him. And you could not have known that WHOOPS Anatole is actually already married to some poor woman in Poland. But an elopement in the olden days was RARELY A GOOD IDEA in terms of One’s Reputation — even a thwarted one, like this — and so of course you are doomed to spend this episode crying, finding religion, staring sadly out the window, and having leeches applied to your arms.

MARYA: Things actually turned around for poor sad noble kind good Marya, because her father who tormented her dropped dead and also they made up before he drew his last, AND Nikolai Rostov rescued her from French troops and, it seems, fell instantly in love with her sweet, noble, kind, good self. Here’s hoping he manages to make this one last. He is, after all, engaged to his dumb cousin Sonya at the moment. (Serious question for people who remember the book better than I do: Is there a reason that Marya didn’t join a religious order, as that seems well suited to her? Other, of course, than “Tolstoy needed her single so he could marry her off for plot reasons,” which I also respect.)

DUMB COUSIN SONYA: Was not dumb this week at all, and, in fact, was the only person to tell Natasha that she needed to GET A GRIP vis a vis Anatole. No one listens to poor dumb cousin Sonya. Her aunt even reads aloud a letter from Nikolai that’s basically like, “I am totally in love with this incredibly kind heiress now!!!” right in front of her.

BORIS: Was hilariously forced to romance (and marry?) Julie Kuragin, who is a total sad sack and whom he wooed with his own (faked) sad sackery; had his ear massaged by Napoleon.


Fug the Show: Downton Abbey Recap, Episode 605

This episode was, simply put, a roller-coaster. I laughed out loud and I clapped with glee. There was Matthew Goode, and kissing, and beer, and great outfits — possibly the best of the series to date –and burgeoning romance for the very middle-aged. I also laughed at Bates for the first time in…our shared existence, I think.  But something very upsetting also happened, in a manner far more upsetting than I would have predicted. For once, Julian Fellowes, the Dramatic Event did not happen off-screen. Shall we go in?

PS: As ever, if you’ve seen this season in its entirety, please don’t spoil us! Thank you! Additionally, I am now recapping via the season six DVDs, which came out on Tuesday, and which are the British version, so it’s POSSIBLY slightly different from what PBS has brought us. I’ll try to note any changes or differences if I see them.


Fug the Show: Agent Carter recap, season 2, episode 3

In which we have a ghost, SCIENCE!!, a horcrux, and the world’s shortest necktie.


Fug the Show: War & Peace Recap, Part Two

They should really call this miniseries War & Peace & Fur Turbans. This week, it brings us a VERY ILL-ADVISED engagement to a total wet noodle, a death, Freemasons, a gambling addiction ruining a family and then a TERRIBLE PERSON refusing to make it right (see the aforementioned engagement), and James Norton doing the following whilst being very very very very handsome: Smiling, crying, dancing, holding a baby, tickling a toddler, eating bread, kissing, wearing a fur turban, wistfully eyeballing a tree, and dressing up like an honest-to-God Disney prince. I bring you that, and more, within. But first, our Obligatory Whizz Through the Plot:

PIERRE: Shoots but does not kill Dolokhov (the one who slept with Pierre’s wife on Pierre’s dining room table), then has a life-crisis that culminates in him becoming a Freemason. (“OH RIGHT this is the one with the FREEMASONS!” is a thing I said to my TV.) He continues to be stuck in an unfortunate marriage to a sex addict even though he’s obviously in love with Natasha.

HELENE: Is a sex addict. However, she is also a sex addict who appears to be banging the Tsar.

DOLOKHOV: Got shot (rather humiliatingly by someone who didn’t even know how a duel worked. Find a place to die where it’s high and dry!) but lived; proposed to a complete limp handshake of a person who turned him down because she’s in love with her dumb cousin; then satisfyingly RUINED the cousin financially in an epic game of cards. Also wears leather pants. I like him now.

NIKOLAI: Loses all his money gambling, refuses to even meet the heiress his mother wants him to marry so he can SAVE THEIR FAMILY, gets engaged to his idiot cousin Sonya after telling her that she should have accepted Dolokhov because he, Nikolai, is the sort who totally falls in and out of love and he’s probably not going to be that into her for very long. Is generally horrible.

SONYA: Don’t get me started.

NATASHA: Falls madly in love with James Norton (who can blame her?) and agrees to a secret, year-long engagement to him while he’s off at a spa. I have a bad feeling about this.

ANDREI: Isn’t dead! See the above re: dead wife, eating bread, eyeballing trees, falling madly in love with Natasha, and being sent to a spa for a year.



Fug the Show: The X-Files recap, episode 2, “Founder’s Mutation”

In case you missed it, the recap for Sunday’s episode is here! (I thought it was kind of a hot mess. Apparently, fourteen years has not diminished my capacity to make fun of Chris Carter’s dialogue.) That said: This Monster-of-the-Week episode was SO MUCH BETTER, although also quite Creepy-Gross in that classic X-Files way. I understand why they didn’t run this as the premiere…but I also kind of think they could have. (And Darin Morgan wrote next week’s, and it’s apparently a corker, so let’s all just.. hold on.)

Previously: Mulder reminds us that aliens are TRIPPY, that he and Scully had a MiracleAlienBaby and then had to ship him off to a farm (Heather recently pointed out to me that I am currently recapping TWO SHOWS where someone has literally farmed out their child), the X-Files were once closed and are now reopened, and Scully’s probably an alien, which explains why she’s put up with Mulder for so long. (I’m so mean to Mulder now. I’m sorry. I think it’s because the Hot Intense Basketcase Type was super appealing when I was 26, but now seems exhausting. As you guys know, I just want a sensible handsome man who pays the bills in his reading glasses and thinks I am entertaining. I have no desire to chase aliens. I barely even like to go downstairs to get the mail.)


Fug the Show: The X-Files Recap, episode 1, “My Struggle”

Hey! Remember how I thought I wouldn’t have time to recap this episode before the second one aired tonight? Apparently, I lied. Here you go! It’s my gift from me to you, and it’s cranky?

I kind of can’t believe I am doing this again. Way back in the day, during The X-Files’s first go-round, I recapped the final seasons for the late, lamented Television Without Pity (my recaps are archived at Brilliant But Cancelled, and THANK GOD because I don’t remember anything that happened in the finale, except that the world was supposed to have ended by now, and I might need to consult Past Me for reminders) and it was honestly a transformative writing experience, both in the sense that it was extremely fun and satisfying for me, and because the XF community at TWoP was an awesome and wonderful one. It’s nice to be back on my old beat.  (PS: in case you didn’t know, the people behind TWoP are now at Previously.TV, which I strongly urge you to check out, if you liked TWoP.)

So, here we are. If you read my recaps back in the Ice Age, you know that they were laced with references to the adventures of my Mulder and Scully action figures (Scully, at one point, ran off with my “Oops”-era Britney Spears figurine; it was a whole thing), and said action figures would like to inform you that this reboot is wholly against their little plastic wills, and they’d personally rather be watching Downton. Which is why I had to wait to write this recap until after I wrote Downton. Scully is REALLY invested in Matthew Goode, you guys. Can you blame her? But with Lady Mary and Edith squared away for the week, let’s do this. I can’t WAIT to find out how Chris Carter explains the fact that CSM — who we last saw when his body EXPLODED and HIS SKULL BURST INTO FLAMES — is alive. (It’s got to be clones, right?) Or how THE WORLD HASN’T ENDED, or…well. A lot of things. Time to stop stalling. Once more into the void.


Fug the Show: Agent Carter, season 2 premiere recap

I just deeply love this show. Peggy Carter is better than a traditional female superhero, to me, because she manages to be smart and tough and kick LOTS of evil ass without any magical powers at all. And I appreciate that she handles any attempts to undermine her with a very confident, “Too bad — your loss, chump,” kind of attitude. It IS their loss. It’s EVERYONE’S loss. PLEASE WATCH THIS, AMERICA.