I must say, I thought this episode was VERY cute. In short: Zoe visits a psychic who tells her that she’s been cursed for breaking up George and Lemon (“Lemorge,” as Zoe puts it, which is NOT a name that makes one likely to ‘ship a pair) and who tells her that the only way she can get uncursed is by getting them back together. This is a Class A Zoe Hart Shenanigan of the Week, and it’s excellent. It also goes about as badly as you can imagine, as Lemorge do NOT have feelings for each other, beyond each really wanting to repeat their recent roll in the hay. In other news, AB’s Mystery Knight has been revealed, and it’s Barry Watson, and of course he is somehow related to the Mayor of Fillmore because when this show doesn’t know what to do for conflict it has someone date someone from Fillmore (albeit generally with amusing results, so I will allow it. Also, I like Barry Watson). And Vivian’s ex-husband hates Wade for a variety of reasons and Vivian decides to make this WADE’S problem rather than dealing with her own ex-husband herself because, as Jill pointed out so wisely in the comments a couple of weeks ago, Vivian leaves all the heavy lifting in their relationship to Wade. Vivian also wears something highly inappropriate, but Lemon looks AWESOME. So we have that going for us.
Fug File: Fug The Show
Okay, new plan to reboot this show. Everyone dies other than Nolan, Margaux, maybe Jack, Victoria, Stevie Grayson, Roger Bart and Olivier Martinez. (And Baby Carl can also live but will need to be relocated to a farm off-camera.) They all move over to USA Network where they fight crime. THE END. Things you need to know that happened in this episode before we just throw up our hands and talk outfits:
- Apparently Revenge‘s vision of England looks just like Pasadena, but Aidan DOES wear an amazing trench coat there because it’s illegal not to wear a great trench coat in England; other than that, did we really need like seventy-five minutes of Aidan’s mother’s personal pain? Because we got them and they were really boring, despite Barry Sloane’s best attempts. Also, Emily and Aidan are back together because reasons.
- Did we also need seventy-five minutes of business yammering from Conrad and Olivier Martinez? Does ANYONE ever think, “it’s Sunday night…I want to think about OBTUSE POINTS OF BUSINESSES I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.” I guess Conrad has taken over… something… of… Olivier’s….? Who is even doing business with Conrad anymore? He’s had a plane AND a building explode on his watch.
- There is a plotline happening with NoOne WhoCares and Nolan WRT NoOne WhoCares’s bitchin’ new app that is SO EMBARRASSING that I am not going to even go over it for you. They made Gabriel Mann utter the phrase, “romancing the blogosphere” and there was a scene where NoOne WhoCares actually threatens to STORM OUT despite the fact that HE IS UNDER HOUSE ARREST. This is not even addressing the fact that the show keeps telling us that NoOne WhoCares is this young buck programming prodigy but the actor quite sincerely looks 35. And has no birthday listed on IMDb, which is basically Hollywood code for I’M LYING ABOUT MY AGE SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Even if he’s not lying about his age, the dude comes across as Jack’s contemporary which makes him bad casting. The bad news is the the combo of NoOne WhoCares and Charlotte seems to be set up to discover some major plot points and no one will know because everyone is getting up for a sandwich during those scenes.
- Jack is jealous of Daniel (!!!!) and Margaux just goes, “I don’t like jealous men,” and kisses him and then calmly walks out, because she is the best. She also OWNS Olivier Martinez in both their professional and personal lives and her accessories are amazing. She is the only person on this show that I actually actively like. Even Nolan has been sidelined, which is SO DUMB on the show’s part. (I do think Daniel is being set up to actually BE in love with her, which DOES make sense because she’s awesome.)
- I would love to explain to you how the Emily/Roger Bart/Victoria/Stevie Grayson plot machinations really worked but despite the massive amounts of exposition, I do not know. All you need to know is that SOMEONE KILLED ROGER BART WITH POISONED SHAVING CREAM and THAT is what pushes Stevie Grayson off the wagon, and then Jack sends her back to Los Angeles because apparently the Hamptons REALLY DO make Stevie drink.
- AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT ROGER BART ISN’T REALLY DEAD. Emily sent him shaving cream that made him seem dead — presumably the cousin to the sleeping draught Friar Laurence gives Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, yet considerably less romantic, given that Roger Bart wakes up in a body bag to be rescued by Nolan. Roger Bart’s wise rejoinder to this turn of events is, “what the hell?” He then gets shipped off to the Maldives and promises to keep his mouth shut AGAIN, but not before he tells Nolan something about how some OTHER reporter also faked HIS own death. Oh, Revenge. Stop shipping off the most compelling characters!
Let’s just look at outfits. I mean, no one is following the plot anymore, right?
Zoe Hart, sometimes you are an idiot. Sure, for reasons that cannot be contravened without making this a wholly other show, but still. STILL.
Note: Do I even know what’s happening in this show anymore? NOT REALLY. And that’s why I’m going to keep the actual recap so very short:
1) Olivier Martinez used to date Victoria and he had something to do with Aidan’s father’s role in the whole David Clarke thing because every human on the face of the earth is connected to this. (PS Aidan’s back because why not.) Emily does a LOT of desperate stuff to try to get on his good side — throwing a giant party for his charity and putting it on Daniel’s black AmEx (that part was kind of great), skulking around in tight dresses — and I am not really sure why she even needs to be on his good side? Regardless, Olivier Martinez is ride or die for Victoria Grayson (aren’t we all) and does not fall for any of Emily’s actually really patently obvious attempts to….do whatever she thinks having him on her side will accomplish. And he and Victoria hook up, to which I say: GOOD FOR YOU, VICKY.
2) Daniel: no one cares.
3) Charlotte: NO ONE CARES.
4) Nolan: You will soon see.
5) Margaux and Jack: Margaux continues to be the best person on this show, with the best outfits and the best accessories, all of which you will see in the slideshow. She gets offered a job in Rome and is all kind of Lauren Conrad about it because she doesn’t want to leave Jack and Jack is all, “don’t be cray,” and I am all, “SELL THAT CURSED BAR AND MOVE TO ROME WITH HER YOU IDIOT.” Nolan will visit and everyone else SUCKS. Arrivederci, you beautiful fools!
6) Conrad is either still in love with Stevie, who wears something TERRIBLE that I can’t wait to show you, or is in total asshat mode, but he talks her into giving back the deed to Grayson Manor, which is real dum on Stevie’s part. I am also really sad that I didn’t get to see poor Victoria living in an Oakwoods long-term rental situation and plotting her revenge.
To the outfits!