Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: (Most of) Cookie’s Outfits from Empire Season One


The season finale of Empire is tonight. Although we haven’t had the time or resources to recap it properly, we HAVE been screen-grabbing the wardrobe shenanigans of TV’s newest and best heroine, Cookie Lyon. The show itself is much more entertaining than I expected — it’s tonally the opposite of Nashville, which is allergic to high camp — and Taraji P. Henson is basically fantastic. BEHOLD.

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Fug the Show: The Royals on E!, season premiere recap


E!’s first foray into scripted series is imbued with slavish, documentary-style realism and an unwavering and sensitive commitment to factual… never mind, I can’t say that without laughing. It’s insane, and everyone in it is about as regal as a root canal. The equivalent would be if the Kardashians actually did get their hands on a country and installed themselves there as a monarchy.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 15, “The Testimony of Diego Muñoz”


In case you’re wondering, “Diego Muñoz” is Huck’s real name. And you’re crazy if you didn’t think I just sung to myself, of this noted deathmonger, “Where In The World Is Harmin’ Man Diego?” Listen, I NEVER said I wasn’t a total hack.

Also not a hack: Susan Ross, bless her. Let’s start there.

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Abby has groomed and coached her to within an inch of her life, and she’s ready to go out and accept the president’s nomination for the veep spot. The show has at least FINALLY remembered the basics of government, and is acknowledging she has to get confirmed by the Senate and Congress, but the first step is a press conference. And Susan is READY, and I admire her decision not to wear Power Red, nor cut her hair into some kind of shellacked bob the likes of which would make an extremely effective planetary defense shield.

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Mellie has not smiled that wide since the ’80s. She can practically smell the presidency. It clearly has not occurred to her that if they turn this woman into an acceptable VP, she might actually be ABLE to make a run at the White House, and that in fact, ANY TIME AT ALL as vice-president makes Susan Ross more electable than Mellie. In fact, when this started, I thought Mellie was going to suggest HERSELF as VP. The fact that she didn’t, because she is obviously a terrible candidate and it would never work, makes her fantasy about the White House EVEN MORE INSANE.

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Susan turns it OUT at the press-conference… until she actually stops to process what she’s doing, and goes on a tittering digression that ends with a nervous giggle akin to what you’d hear if you sucked up a donkey with a Dustbuster. The media goes wild. Susan Ross’s Laugh is the new Howard Dean’s Barbaric Yawp, and so the White House has to special-order some PR spackle. They really ought to buy that stuff whenever it’s on special and just stockpile it in the basement.

Olivia, meanwhile, is in a bad way.

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife recap, season 6, episode 14, “Mind’s Eye”


As a kid, I loved this random Judy Blume book called Just As Long As We’re Together (it’s about coming of age, changing friendships, etc.), in which the main character Steph put a poster of Richard Gere over her bed  – she renamed him Benjamin Moore, after the paint, because she thought it sounded hotter, and she’s actually sort of right — and fell asleep every night gazing up at him. I mention that because you may want to adopt the same technique with this:

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Okay, it’s a weird angle, and actually, I have concerns that Matthew Goode’s face was pasted onto another person’s naked torso. It just seems off. But beggars cannot be choosers, and I have been asking for Bedroom Finn Polmar for WEEKS now, so — even if the circumstances were entirely imaginary (DAMN YOU PEOPLE) — I suppose I need to accept this piece of cheese and hope it’s not sitting in a mousetrap.

Moving on: I’m doing this week’s recap as a Winners and Losers list instead of as a ranking, because the show got drunk on its own fancy and did a boutique-y episode that made the regular format too hard. A couple times earlier in the season, Alicia would imagine people talking to her, in an attempt to give her an inner life. Apparently The Good Wife liked that new toy, because most of this hour takes place, as the title suggests, in Alicia’s mind’s eye. The plot is laid out for us at the start of the hour:

1. Alicia has an interview with a newspaper’s editorial board, seeking an endorsement (I never caught which paper), but has lost her voice and was told to stay inside and rest it — all so the show can employ a clumsy double-meaning about how she’s finding it again.

2. Louis Canning is suing Florrick Agos Lockhart for wrongful eviction from the building, asking for $20 million but willing to settle for a “reasonable” $4 million — and as leverage, he threatens to hijack the last week of the election by drawing Alicia’s name through the mud on this in the papers.

3. Yes, you read that right. It’s a week until this election storyline is OVER. Of course, then we might be stuck with a plot about Alicia in politics. Which could be a worse kind of limbo.

4. A wiretap allegedly caught Lemond Bishop saying, “Don’t worry about an arrest. I just bought the new State’s Attorney,” and I hope he kept that receipt. Also, did he say it? Did he not? We don’t know. It’s just tossed in there as something Alicia can think about a whole lot so that she’s not just staring off into space wondering what 3-Across in the Tribune crossword is.

5. Alicia might be about to climb Mount Elfmanjaro. And that’s fine, I guess, as long as she doesn’t stop there and cease trying to scale Mount Finnerest because COME ON ALICIA. MAKE ONE GOOD DECISION.

Now for Winners and Losers

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie recap, season 4, episode 8


This was quite an enjoyable episode, and it really had everything: babies, llamas, clowns, cars crashing into mobile spas, making out, ice cream cones, eye-patches, and,  of course, Meatball.

So, ToWanda have had their baby — they named her Froda, presumably the feminine of “Frodo,” which seems about right — and everyone in BlueBell is out getting a gift. Because the show is drawing to a close, we are revisiting our old favorites, like how Lemon used to staple shiny items to her head at all times:

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Oh, the many headpieces of Lemon, I shall miss you. Herein, she and Zoe argue who is going to give the town’s last Diaper Genie to ToWanda — Lemon has “reserved it,” but Zoe gets it by noting that she cannot drive into Mobile to buy a gift because, WHAT IF SHE GOES INTO LABOR ON THE WAY?

So, these two are REALLY schmoopy:

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AB’s dress is adorable, but I almost missed it because I had to look away when George asked her if she wanted to get dinner and she cooed, “and breakfast,” and then they made out. Ugh. Look, I GET IT. These two have to end up together at the end because…of reasons (I would have been fine seeing AB taking off for points unknown to have an adventure, with the implied promise that she was going to meet some hunky hot piece, but having George ALSO sadly alone and uncoupled might have been a bummer, and we are out of women in BlueBell, like, literally) but if it had been up to me, I might have ended with the implication that they were ABOUT to have that lightening strike, rather than AB panting all over him, because this does not feel organic yet. As I said, I know they had to do this and the two actors are trying and I am…FINE with it. I just don’t totally THRIVE on it, is all.

Also weird: apparently everyone in BlueBell is…in line to meet the baby and present their gifts one at a time, as if the child were the heir to the throne and it was 1579. BlueBell is a land of strange customs. However, they ARE generous with the gifts:

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Herein we learn that Tom is exhausted (leading to the C plot in which everyone in town takes over one of his many many side jobs so he can have paternity leave), and also that Zoe is really upset that she doesn’t have any heirlooms to pass down to her own new baby. (She didn’t know Harley, the man she thought was her Dad is a toolshed, her mother believes sentimentality is for “the bridge and tunnel set.”)

I feel like you should also know that Lemon was forced to give ToWanda the only thing left in town: a giant bear that’s missing an eye. Lemon, of course, gave it a jaunty eyepatch, and this is where I say once again: I love you, Lemon. I love you for giving your bear an eyepatch. You are the best.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 14, “The Lawn Chair”


This episode, thematically, took on the maelstrom that was Ferguson. For recapping purposes I find it hard to weave in and out of that narrative while making capsy comments about Fitz’s relative worstness and Cyrus’s hair and whether people in the White House are stupid. So, the storylines in this recap are NOT presented in order of importance; instead, I’m getting the B-plot out of the way, so that I can tackle the A plot with (hopefully) the sensitivity it deserves.

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So, in the vein of Lady Mary Crawley’s raging death vag (band name alert!), the Veep job has a zero percent success rate. Sally “Crispy Piggy” Langston went insane and then murdered her husband, and Jon Tenney tried to overthrow Fitz (I feel you on that one, Jon), but through blackmail and kidnapping. Then Huck gave him a stroke and he’s probably not going to recover from it, so the next step is to nudge him out of the office on grounds of incapacitation, and pick a successor. The Daily Show in this universe would be having a field day about how little anyone wants to step into those doomed shoes. Fitz, to Cyrus’s astonishment, only wants to vet two ancient and dull and crusty candidates, rather than an up-and-comer who could make it the exciting four years Fitz promised. It’s also worth noting that Jon Tenney was NOBODY’S choice EXCEPT Fitz’s, so at this point his ability to judge a good Veep is on par with Huck’s ability to judge when to stop drilling holes into people.

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