This was a divisive dress — lots of tweeters on Sunday thought Gwyneth should never take it off, while others found it sort of unflattering. I fell into the first camp; since I generally am not a huge Gwyneth fan, I often look to Jess — who is — to average me out, just in case. But Jess was with me on this one: underwhelmed.
Strange to say something this slinky and shiny could be underwhelming, but I feel like… we all know, thanks those painstakingly posed-for paparazzi photos of her on the beach with her kids, that Gwyneth has a freaking awesome body. And something about the way this hugs her diminishes it a bit for me — like, she’s trying so hard to show it off, that she’s actually having the opposite effect. Her books look kind of cockeyed and it’s bunching on her torso and it’s sitting kind of weirdly across her hips… Although, it’s not like GOOP showed up in this and got lost in the shuffle. No, she stood out. She was memorable. So maybe, now that I’ve had a little sleep, that should outweigh the small nits I’m picking. Or, maybe the brooch on her hip looks kind of like eczema.
For her performance of Some Song From Country Strong That Is Not “Country Strong” — and then also for the afterparties — Gwyneth changed into this:
My usual refrain is, “I wish it were a color.” And I kind of still do. But my bigger problem with it is that it’s sort of boob-smooshy. Leftie up there looks like it’s having regrets, the kind it wants to tell to a bartender over six shots of scotch before getting cut off and given cab fare. Face, though? Glowing. THAT is how to do Makeup That Looks Like No Makeup. Cameron Diaz really needs to give Gwyneth’s people a call. I’ve decided the Hold Music is Gwyneth crooning The Collected Works of Lady Gaga, because you know she’s secretly thinking, “I’m friends with Madonna, and I’m America’s Newest Singing Sweetheart. I can kick that hatched egg’s ass.”