Oscar Fug Or Fab Carpet: Gwyneth Paltrow


fug-or-fab

This was a divisive dress — lots of tweeters on Sunday thought Gwyneth should never take it off, while others found it sort of unflattering. I fell into the first camp; since I generally am not a huge Gwyneth fan, I often look to Jess — who is — to average me out, just in case. But Jess was with me on this one: underwhelmed.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Strange to say something this slinky and shiny could be underwhelming, but I feel like… we all know, thanks those painstakingly posed-for paparazzi photos of her on the beach with her kids, that Gwyneth has a freaking awesome body. And something about the way this hugs her diminishes it a bit for me — like, she’s trying so hard to show it off, that she’s actually having the opposite effect. Her books look kind of cockeyed and it’s bunching on her torso and it’s sitting kind of weirdly across her hips… Although, it’s not like GOOP showed up in this and got lost in the shuffle. No, she stood out. She was memorable. So maybe, now that I’ve had a little sleep, that should outweigh the small nits I’m picking. Or, maybe the brooch on her hip looks kind of like eczema.

For her performance of Some Song From Country Strong That Is Not “Country Strong” — and then also for the afterparties — Gwyneth changed into this:

Gwyneth Paltrow

My usual refrain is, “I wish it were a color.” And I kind of still do. But my bigger problem with it is that it’s sort of boob-smooshy. Leftie up there looks like it’s having regrets, the kind it wants to tell to a bartender over six shots of scotch before getting cut off and given cab fare. Face, though? Glowing. THAT is how to do Makeup That Looks Like No Makeup. Cameron Diaz really needs to give Gwyneth’s people a call. I’ve decided the Hold Music is Gwyneth crooning The Collected Works of Lady Gaga, because you know she’s secretly thinking, “I’m friends with Madonna, and I’m America’s Newest Singing Sweetheart. I can kick that hatched egg’s ass.”

Give it up for Dress #1, the Calvin Klein:

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And the Kors?

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Comments (42):

  1. Cody
    0

    That hemline makes it look like she ran into Z Gallerie’s window treatment section and went, “Ah ha!”

  2. Lynnie
    0

    Heather: “Her books look kind of cockeyed”? Heehee. :-)
    (Seriously, though, I had to look at the picture again to see if she was holding books.)

  3. Bella
    0

    I’m just the opposite – don’t care for her, especially since she started the sing thing. But I do like this dress. Love the earrings with it.

  4. Annie
    0

    Blech, blech, blech. I definitely like Gwyneth, but she managed to find the one dress that could ever be unflattering on her. The second is also yuck since it is a long version of an ice skating costume that matches her skin, which my television told me was an unnatural shade of orange.

  5. kimmy
    0

    i actually like the shiny silver. something about the way it fits…its like pouring over her body. its cool to look at. i don’t think its oscar appropritate, but for the grammy’s this would have been a home run. the nudey dress though is awful. its been done to death and been done better!

  6. AJ
    0

    Like the CK but wish it was an inch shorter. I like nothing about the Kors dress.

  7. Chicklet
    0

    If I’m remembering all of the pictures correctly, the silvery dress was completely dependent on body posture: When Gwyneth was posted Just Right, the dress looked stunning, but when she slouched, it looked awful. And the photographers caught Gwyneth slouching a bit. (Side note: What gives with that, anyway? I’m like the Joan Crawford of posture: NO SLOUCHING! EVER!)

  8. Fuh Ugh
    0

    For the Kors dress, where is the “Wish it was a color” option? The style is fine, and it fits her well – certainly more flattering than the metal toothbrush container. (Remember when you’d go to camp as a kid, you’d have one of those little boxes for your toothbrush? It’s like that, only made of aluminium.) I don’t hate the dress, but I HATE the color, or, on Goopy, the lack thereof.

  9. Anna von Beav
    0

    I loved the first one, but I think perhaps it’s not as great in still photos as it was in motion. I think it’s neat how it looks very structural but was actually very fluid when she was talking to …whoever it was she was talking to on the RC.

    The second one I don’t hate, but definitely wish it was a color also. Even black or white.

  10. Anna von Beav
    0

    OH! And also, or rather but, I don’t like the hem on the metallic. It looks like a bedsheet or a curtain at the bottom.

  11. Lina
    0

    Take the silver one and put it on Zoe Saldana? Instant perfection. But Gwynnie’s golden skin tone and flat yellow hair is way too clashy with the silver.

    Meanwhile the beige is an atrocity MOSTLY because of the monosleeve (gah!), but also because the shade precisely matches the tanner on her legs. If you hacked the sleeve off, it would look good on a woman with a darker-than-beige skin tone, but I’d still (and always) prefer anything to beige.

  12. Rachel
    0

    I liked the silver dress, but I think I would have liked the look a lot more if her hair had been different – perhaps if it were cut above the shoulders? Otherwise it’s long droopy hair with a long opening at the neck with a long, kind of droopy dress.

  13. victoria
    0

    Colorless, clingy, droopy jersey dresses + flattened colorless hair + colorless eyebrows = bland, sad, drab.

    Her stylist needs to look into selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

  14. Lisa
    0

    Gwyneth, or more accurately, her boobs, do not have a good history in Oscar dresses.

    Remember this monstrosity? http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/oscars/74th_academy_awards_arrivals_photos/gwyneth_paltrow/oscars4.jpg

    I think someone needs to sit her down and explain the importance of bras. But other than that, I do prefer the gold dress to some previous stuff, but am still underwhelmed

  15. Annabeth
    0

    What is with the trend of skin-colored dresses? Did all of Hollywood rise up as one and say, “We’d like to look as washed out as possible!” That second dress would be a winner if it were any color besides Band-Aid.

    I think the first dress is attractive — not ideal for her figure but not a flop, either.

  16. Miss Tee
    0

    I hate the Calvin Klein dress on her – I might like it on someone cooler. The second dress is just ok, but the color or lack thereof is making me wretch. She is bland sally. I wish she’d stop trying to be edgy by flat ironing her hair because it just makes her look drawn. Her hair color is gross and blends right in with her smug face. I’m never super fond of her fashion choices and that year everyoe fawned all over her little pink prom dress (the year she stole the oscar from some other deserving lady), I just assumed everyone was blind b/c that dress sucked and didn’t even fit properly. BUT I hate her with the hate of 1000 hates. I think she is uppity and pretentious. So yeah, I’m not biased or anything…

    PS – GOOP sucks and she can’t sing either.

  17. Katie
    0

    Watching the red carpet live, there was a weird line across her boobs. The edge of a lining in the dress, or maybe the edge of her bra? It was really, really distracting.

  18. Shannon
    0

    I’m sorry, I think she looks cheap in the silver dress. She doesn’t look like she’s at the Oscars. It’s not just the color of the dress, which I think takes some of the chic-ness away from it, it’s her overprocessed, straight-ironed hair. The styling could have kicked the dress up a notch, but for someone who advises people to buy $50 leather engraved fly swatters (and who was paid almost a million dollars a apparently to WEAR JEWELRY), it looks like she got ready in her trailer bathroom.

  19. Gigi
    0

    Skinny as she is, sister’s got a pooch. No problem, she’s had kids. Most women have them. But slinky metallic over one, especially when you’re slouching, and she’s driven us straight to McPoochyville.

    I’m with you, Chicklet, NO SLOUCHING ever!!

  20. Cass
    0

    I neither loved nor hated her first dress, but her seahorse jewelry was the perfect “pop” to the outfit. The second dress was horrible. She is ENTIRELY ONE COLOR! Her hair, skin, dress, and shoes are all beige. Terrible. It’s the neutral color that everyone tells you to paint a house you’re trying to sell.

  21. KK
    0

    The first one is ok, but certainly doing her no favors. Also a little Vanna White-y for my taste.

    The second one is god-awful and I think it would look terrible on anyone. Flesh colored stretchy fabric with sparkles? ew. ew. EW. The fabric + side ruching also looks cheap. Like you could get this at the Deb or some other low end store specializing in affordable prom dresses/teen fashion. Maybe Gwyneth is trying to look more accessible? Anyway, I have so much hate for this second dress… I could go on forever, but I’ll just stop here.

  22. Kirsten
    0

    I think the silver Calvin Klein dress was my favourite out of all of them on Oscars night. I thought it was slightly edgy with a kind of space-age/medieval look, and of course she has the poker straight body you’d need to carry it off. I’m not a GP fan at all, she’s a bit too smug in her perfection and way way way too skinny, but I am a big fan of her dress (and the cute little brooch on the hip).

    The nude one looks like a mock-up of a future Dancing On Ice costume. Like if they made up outfits in a flesh coloured tone to fit them onto the ‘star’, then once they were perfect, they’d make up the real thing in canary yellow with sapphire sequins. Ya know?

  23. Sally
    0

    I really liked the CK dress, especially when she moved but I am confused about the color. On tv and in all of the photos, it looks silver or platinum but a number of commenters called it gold. I do wish her hair had not been straight ironed; a little curl would have given her some old school glam. And as some one said about Michelle Williams- it’s the Oscars. It has been on your calendar. Touch up your roots.

  24. Hil
    0

    I quite enjoy the first dress. Though the bottom looks like she tried it on then someone went ‘Oh Crap, she’s taller than we thought. Quick put some extra fabric to fix the length’.

  25. Kdots
    0

    Rachel is dead on. If GOOP had gotten the new Aniston angled bob, maybe, the CK dress would have kicked major butt. Or just some kind of edgier haircut. Or curls, to fit her new country singer lifestyle, and go all Dolly P on it.

  26. Hannah
    0

    The main thing I’m taking away from this post is how much Project Runway needs to come back.

  27. CJ
    0

    Really liked the first dress. All could have been improved if she had ditched the awkwardly placed pin and stood up straight!

  28. Cat
    0

    The second dress is hideous, and the reason why most people shouldn’t wear nude as a dress color. YUCK. If this had been a color I might not hate it so much, but as is I think it’s terrible and she should have stuck with her red carpet look, which while not particularly inspiring, was a lot better.

  29. Janice Marie
    0

    I hate her. Hate. If hate were people, I’d be China. Too far?

  30. Diane
    0

    Dresses, dresses, blah blah. What I want to know is whether her husband showed up at the Oscars or is he still avoiding her public appearances like the plague since she decided she’s a singer?

  31. vandalfan
    0

    Now, I love the second look on her, sleeve of doom, monocolors and all. The first dress is stunning, love the dropped waist and brooch, though the squared off neckline could be softened into a V. And a bra, or tape, might have been employed to great benefit.

    But both these nice looks are ruined by her dreadful, overprocessed, lifeless, straight hanging hair.

  32. Sajorina
    0

    I love the metallic dress with a passion! I have a thirst that only it could quench! And, I ♥ Gwyneth Paltrow!!!

    @Miss Tee & @Janice Marie: You should look into Wellbutrin!

  33. Alli
    0

    LOVE the first dress! When I saw her on the red carpet, I think I gasped (and I’m not a big fan of hers). I thought it fit beautifully and really worked on her long, lean frame; loved the way it moved, the way it looked gold sometimes and silver others. Thought her pin straight her and natural make-up were perfect. Actually, I picked her as my choice for best dressed.

    On another note, look at Nic Kidman behind her — this is how she looked every time I saw her, holding her arms out weirdly to avoid the giant origami hips on her dress.

  34. Nina
    0

    I’m incredibly sick of Gwenyth and her many “talents”, but damn it if she’s not wearing the hell out of that first dress. I can’t imagine anyone else pulling it off the way she does. It can easily go wrong on a different body type, but Gwenyth’s figure is perfect for it.

    And for those who take issue with her lifeless hair; I think that’s the point. If her hair was up, or done fancy, it would disrupt the look. It’s meant to be sleek, smooth and bright.

  35. Nina
    0

    *Gwyneth. Oops.

  36. anner
    0

    I like the first dress, and the second was ho-hum.

    But can we talk about her makeup? She looked like a beige and brown skull. And she already looks like a stalk of wheat, so then I was just confused.

  37. NYCGirl
    0

    1) The pin is pretty. The dress it’s attached to, however, is pretty boring.
    2) I think the dress is both pretty and rather reminiscent of some sort of skin condition. The ‘color’ is far too close to her skin tone.

  38. Alisa
    0

    Please MAKE GWYNETH GO AWAY. She can’t sing, she’s openly snobbish, and she’s JUST PLAIN DULL. What? I’m sorry. I nodded off. SHE’S THE KIND OF “STAR” THAT YOU TOTALLY FORGET ABOUT UNLESS SHE’S IN YOUR FACE, MURDERING A FORMERLY CUTE CEE-LO SONG.

  39. cee cee
    0

    the silver dress is nice and she’s got great boobs. the problem with the whole look is her hair. it’s so flat and thin and plain. imagine if she had a blonde afro instead…that’d be hot! or if she had a blond buzz cut!? or even just some sleek updo. the way it is, she’s trying to look like a wholesome little rich girl school girl surfer girl in a sexy slinky boobtacular dress. it’s incongruous and not in a good way.

  40. rigmarole
    0

    I actually really like the first look on her. Yeah, she maybe could have found something that flattered her more, but it’s just so perfectly her, somehow. For me, anyway, it works.

  41. Pam
    0

    The best dress of the night. I wish it were mine

  42. Vicki
    0

    Please do not EVER fix the “books” typo. Thank you.