[Photos: WENN, Splash, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News]
Fugger: Various Kardashians
“BE STRAIGHT WITH ME: YOU ARE NOT FEELING THIS EITHER.”
“WHY IS HER LEG SO SHINY? IT’S WEARING MORE OIL THAN A CORNER CHEVRON. THAT SLEEVE IS SOME SUPERNATURALLY HUGE BLOUSON, LIKE SHE THINKS SHE’LL GET HER POPEYE ON. AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE HER EXTENSIONS HAVE GONE, OR WHY SHE PUT THAT HEAD-SUIT ON, BUT REAL TALK: THAT BRAID IS WOEBEGONE. I’M GONNA THROW IT A TELETHON AND HIRE SIMON LE BON AND MAYBE HOWARD-COMMA-RON AND WE’LL CURE THAT SUCKER BEFORE IT WORKS ITS EVIL CON. HELL, IT’S MAKING ME SORRY I PUT MY TROUSERS ON. I COULD BE AT HOME EATING TOAST RIGHT NOW.”
[PHOTOS: GETTY, PACIFIC COAST NEWS]
First off, you guys know that I have a fondness for Khloe that can not be denied. She is the only Kardashian with whom I would want to be stuck in an elevator (except Kanye, for obvious — ahem, sorry, OBVIOUS REASONS AKA IT WOULD BE A GOOD STORY). It makes me crazy whenever I read stories about how she feels like “the ugly Kardashian,” both because that must suck for her but also because I think Khloe is totally pretty AND I like her hair parted on the side like this:
But OMG, I seriously just wasted thirty minutes trying to parse her pants. You should never look at a girl’s legs and wonder if she’s wearing cut-offs layered over leggings layered over another pair of pants. I don’t even know how to diagram that sentence, much less put it on my body.
“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT HAWAII.
“MY GIRL AND I ARE GETTING FRO-YO, AND WE’RE GETTING IT TO GO, YO, ‘CAUSE WE’RE IN HAWAII AND IT’S A HUNDRED DEGREES ABOVE TWENTY BELOW, JOE. WHICH ACTUALLY MEANS I AM CONFUSED ABOUT WHY MY LADY IS WEARING SO MUCH LEATHER. WHY ARE HER SHOES WEARING SOCKS? THEY’RE LIKE A MEAN MAN-MADE POX, A TUBULAR SWEAT-BOX, SO UNLESS SHE’S WILY LIKE A FOX AND GOT HERSELF SOME LEG BOTOX, THEN I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE WALKS WITHOUT HER PORES LEAKING SALT-ROCKS. EXCEPT WAIT. I’M IN LEATHER PANTS, TOO. SO MAYBE SUMMER LEG SAUNAS ARE THE NEW CHERUB RUG. I’M GOING TO SWEAT AWAY TEN POUNDS JUST FROM MAKIN’ MY USUAL ROUNDS AND THEN MY CALVES WILL BE SINEWY MOUNDS AND ONE DAY I’LL RELEASE THE HOUNDS AND YOU’LL BE ALL, ‘THE SEXY? IT IS FOUND,’ AND THEN YOU’LL HEAR THE SOUND OF KRIS HUMPHRIES DOING FIFTY EXTRA PRESSES AT THE GYM WHILE HE CRIES. YES. LET IT BEGIN.”