Author Archives: Heather

ESPYs Fugs and Fabs: The Ladies


I didn’t realize I had chosen such an unflattering photo of Jessica Alba until I had already downloaded it, which… oh well. Suffice to say that she did NOT look like she was buckling under extreme bladder pressure except in this exact second, and in fact played this ensemble well.

[Photos: Getty]

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ESPYs Fugs and Fabs: The Dudes


I have decided not to include Drake in this slideshow because the telecast ITSELF spent what felt like 45 percent of its airtime on his comedy bits, and all of them were 75 percent too long, and that math equals NO SOUP FOR YOU, Drake. Instead, let’s all discuss why Jesse Williams dresses his delicious hotness in catastrophic hellpants.

[Photos: Getty]

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Well Played: Judy Greer


I don’t usually like this style of hem — I might ordinarily wish the dress were chopped off before the last bit started — but Judy Greer is pulling this off for me.

Maybe it’s the cute pattern. Maybe it’s the fact that the red shoes, purse, and lipstick totally sell this. Maybe it’s because she wore two bracelets, and that they are NOT red, which is good because one more thing in that color would’ve pushed this too far. Or maybe it’s because I love Judy Greer and think she looks classy and cute, and I wish she would find a weekly TV commitment that was worthy of her awesomeness (maybe Married will be it, but I’ve never been a fan of FX comedies, so I’m thinking it’s very likely Not For Me). So let’s use this as an excuse to chat up the awesomeness of Judy Greer. She was funny in Arrested Development, and I have a massive soft spot for 13 Going on 30, in which she is also delicious. What would you put her in? Something dark and grimy, like The Walking Dead? A role metaphorically throttling some sense into Hannah Horvath — or any of them — on Girls? Something that desperately needs an infusion of tartness, like New Girl? (My beloved Winston deserves a partner worthy of him, y’all.) Or, simply to guarantee that she’d be on TV every week in perpetuity, would you sell her soul to NCIS: Any Flavor? Greer it up in the comments.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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Fug the Cover: Zooey Deschanel on the August 2014 InStyle


Note to InStyle: The cover of your magazine should not look like the “before” photo for your “BRING YOUR HAIR BACK TO LIFE” story.

And while we’re here, your cover SUBJECT should not look like you vertically stretched her photo to make it fit, and/or moved her eyes closer together, and/or gave her a totally new nose, and/or gave her a child’s hands. In short, Zooey Deschanel should look like Zooey Deschanel, and not a Zooey Deschanel doll that failed quality control or melted in the car.

Also, I think that scarf might need to mind its own business, and I am making my best DOUBTFUL face about there being 55 new ways to wear jeans. I assume they mean 55 different outfits for them, but it SOUNDS like they’re saying they’re going to teach us tricks like how to tie them around our necks or wear them like sweaters or turn them into hats.

But, no. All that is tangential to the rest of this mess. Her right hand right now is going to show up in my nightmares. It just does not look like it belongs to her. Or that the fingers and palm came from different people, or… I think I am going to go write a horror movie real quick.

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High Fugshion: Christian Dior Couture 2014


I think Dior might be LISTENING, y’all. Because a few of these are actually TOTALLY REASONABLE, at least in (runway) theory. And then some of them remain awful, but hey, progress. As ever, for the full show, click here.

[Photos: Splash]

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High Fugshion: Giambattista Valli Couture 2014


Diapers and kerchiefs and froof, oh my.

[Photos: Splash]

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