Author Archives: Heather

Fug Madness 2015, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Part 1


Jump to: No. 4 Iggy Azalea vs. No. 12 Irina Shayk
 

No. 1 RITA ORA vs. No. 8 CHRISTINA HENDRICKS 

Christina’s entire run revolves around this:

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It turned her into a wrapped gift to Fug Madness fans. Even her hair seems to have conceded the point and given up on her.

But let’s not discount the impact of the yellow satin turban:

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Fug Madness 2015, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Part 1


Jump to: No. 5 Bella Thorne vs. No. 13 Kate Walsh
 

No. 1 KIM KARDASHIAN vs. No. 9 JENA MALONE 

Jena pushed Mockingjay Part 1 pretty hard this year, but I saw it last night, and she may not even have a LINE (they did shoot them both at the same time, though).  Imagine what she might do to promote the big final movie, in which she presumably SPEAKS.

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I hated this, I’ll be honest. It seems stiff and unflattering, I don’t love the bodice, and she wore vanilla satin platforms, which you can see because the skirt created all kinds of crotch-wrangling issues. I don’t know. It’s not a Fug Madness Starmaker, but it still leaves me reaching for a sweater.

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The Clothes Talk Back: Actress Jena Malone’s Dress Opens Its Mouth.

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There is so much going on here that I actually feel like her dress COULD be getting eaten before our very eyes. That, or it was originally just mesh and then she hung a bunch of fishing lures on it at the last second.

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And, no. Just no.

But let’s also be real: This is just a preamble. It all happened, none of it was ideal, but her campaign is being waged chiefly on the back of this atrocity:

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Fugrena: Jennifer Lawrence in Dior


I would love to know what these two are laughing so hard about, beyond how much critics seem to loathe this movie.

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I ASSUME it’s because he just made a Pretty Woman joke about where her thigh-high boots are, and whether she knows how to drive a Lotus.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fug Madness 2015: Round One Results


Round Two begins right away on Monday, and here are the match-ups that you YES YOU FUG NATION have created with your votes. Also, this year was the first time I filled out a bracket just to see if I could predict where this would go, so let’s see how I did.

 

 

No. 1 KIM KARDASHIAN vs. No. 9 JENA MALONE (Monday)

Lena Dunham got 7 percent of the vote. Which is about 6 percent more than I expected. Jena’s win means the Kim vs. Beyonce deathmatch we’ve all been waiting for won’t happen, but it also means Kim gets That Panties Dress as an opponent.

My bracket: Called ‘em both. The Beygency is real, y’all.

No. 5 BELLA THORNE vs. No. 13 KATE WALSH (Monday)

She’s already dispensed with one teen in Willow Shields. Can Kate Walsh take it to another one?

My bracket: WRONG. I had McPhee upsetting Bella, but that might’ve been wishful thinking at work, because I’m writing Bella’s next matchup and I have a lot more Thoughts about Katharine. As for the other, I actually came close to missing it and putting Willow through, but I changed my mind at the last second because Kate Walsh was one of my dark horse contenders.

No. 2 JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. No. 10 NATASHA BEDINGFIELD (Tuesday)

Natasha kept it close with Rosamund Pike, who came in at a high No. 7 seed in her first season as a Fug Madness participant, but she couldn’t hang with the perennial nutjob and so Natasha scrapes through with 56 percent of the vote.

My bracket: Got ‘em. I didn’t have a lot of faith in Rosamund.

No. 6 SOLANGE vs. No. 14 KEKE PALMER (Tuesday)

Keke knocked out Marion Cotillard by snagging 57 percent of the vote.

My bracket: NAILED IT. Marion certainly could’ve gone far, but she drew a particularly plucky 14 seed. She’s the 2015 Iowa State Cyclones of it all.

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power Suit Ranking, season 6, episode 15, “Open Source”


Another mediocre episode this week, which took only baby steps toward any larger plot points, but DID at least see the return of Gary Cole. I will always welcome that scamp with open arms. Sorry this is so tardy — between The Royals premiering and Fug Madness starting, The Good Wife got the short shrift this week. As did some of our favorite characters. Like so:

15. Kalinda

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I choose to assume the show is biding its time until it can fire up a strong exit arc for Kalinda, and that’s why it only gave her three lines this week. I would hate for this to be a “thanks for the service, here is a meaningless paycheck while we shunt you off to the side” situation, although… meaningless paychecks are certainly not the worst things in the world. I would not kick a meaningless paycheck out of bed for giving me paper cuts.

14. Cary

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Matt Czuchry got a nice vivid tie this week, but did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except sit in on two legal meetings. I suppose he earned this vacation after his intense first-half storyline, but still, the show has chosen not to play ANY fallout from Cary being in prison. He’s having no difficulties being back in the world, presumably no trouble with clients, and we’ve heard nothing about him and Kalinda, nor Kalinda and Lana, nor how any one of the three of them feels about… well, anything. It’s disappointing when the show’s co-stars are treated as Alicia Florrick’s window dressing. There is story to be mined that would be a welcome break from Alicia’s election. Or frankly, could tie into it, if we had ANY sense of how Florrick Agos Lockhart — and specifically Agos and Lockhart — are coping with Alicia having one foot out the door.

However: Cary does get to be snarky at Finn [FINN WELCOME BACK FINN]. I guess Finn brought them a case for them to co-chair, and is in favor of accepting a small settlement offer; Cary accuses him of taking the money and running. “Still have some hard feelings, there, Cary?” Finn asks wisely, referring to his prosecution on those drug charges. So I guess… if you’re looking for how Cary is doing in a minute and immediate sense, the answer is, he went tie-shopping and is cranky at the sight of Matthew Goode, which makes him unrelatable to me on TWO fronts.

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Fug Madness 2015, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part 2


Jump to: No. 1 Rihanna vs. No. 16 Jordin Sparks · No. 4 Rose McGowan vs. No. 13 Sophia Bush · No. 5 Gwyneth Paltrow vs. No. 12 Julianne Hough
 

8. CARA DELEVINGNE vs. 9. KRISTEN STEWART

These two could not have known that their destinies lay in a pants-off, but what a treat for us that it’s happening now. Your sub-debate here is, in fact, which single pair is empirically just WORSE. My answer might actually be Kristen’s:

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They are: high-waisted, possibly made of a combination of Styrofoam and that stretchy one-ply material they use to make hospital granny-panties for new mothers, FLARE AT THE THIGH, and then cuff at the ankle. Nobody in the world would accept three wishes from this genie. She is untrustworthy.

Cara’s, on the other hand, are full Cracked-Out Circus Performer:

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