Author Archives: Heather

Strongfugr: Kim Kardashian in Balmain


The beaded Balmain from yesterday had very similar problems to this dress:

That being, we all know that Kim Kardashian is INSANELY FIT right now. We’ve just seen her frolicking in a bikini and rump-roasting for a photoshoot in Thailand, and Us Weekly and its ilk are slavishly covering her pre-wedding workout regimen. This woman is in extremely good shape. So why is she prowling around Paris in not one but TWO thick, tight, smothering maxi-dresses that add fifteen pounds to her midsection? I don’t GET IT. There are so many incomprehensible things about Planet Kardashia, and one of them is that when you combine her net worth and Kanye’s AND the fact that people are surely giving them these things for free, it’s ASTONISHING that she manages to pick stuff that’s so unflattering. It would be one thing if we thoughtshe didn’t care about people thinking she’s perfectly slim, but she DOES care, because she’s telling people she does a hundred squats every morning, and thrives on showing off her curves on Instagram and whatnot. Her brand is her body, at this point, and so you’d think she’d at least package it well.

Even better, she wore this off a plane from Paris to Miami. I do not harbor any delusions that she wore it for the whole flight, but I am LOVING imagining her changing out of it in the air, and then, just before landing, having to wrestle herself back into it and accidentally, like, dropping a sleeve in the lav, and having to try and dry it on some paper towels.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fug the Show: Scandal, season 3, episode 17


Plenty of terrible things happen in this episode, but most of them are TO OUR EYES. It’s the penultimate one of the season, so I decided to go long and not skimp on the screen grabs, so that you can get the full flavor of the unique hell that is Squick, which is my new nickname for Huck and Quinn (their names, plus ewwwwww).

What you need to know off the top is that suddenly, it’s six days before the election. SIX DAYS. This show is wretched at the passage of time. It’s never clear when anything is happening, nor what season it is, and I think it’s deliberately vague specifically so they can pull a fast one like this and have us be like, “I… GUESS that’s… sure?” Shouldn’t there have been some concern in the last episode — whose events immediately preceded these — that they were a week away from the vote? It’s like the writers’ room didn’t think of it until it was too late.

In fact, the expression on my face for much of this episode was this one:

Our favorite Secret Service agent turned B-Ullshit spy actually ended up being a pretty boring plot twist, right? Nothing happened with that. Look at this man. He is hungry for Happenings. I bet HE knows how to kiss a woman without unhinging his jaw. I’m just saying.

When we left off, Jake Ballard had just grabbed Olivia by the throat and thrown her against a wall, because he’s enraged that she shut down B-Abusive, and I guess we’re supposed to think it’s super manly that he’s fine with hurling her around like a rag doll. This show is the classic example of wanting to have its cake and eat it, too. It’s trying to turn him into this tortured romantic hero, and yet also, he’s behaving like a Neanderthal assbag. See?

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A Quantum of Fuglace: Gemma Arterton in Prada at the Olivier Awards


Like a lot of Prada lately, I find the fit and cut uninspiring.

That seafoam color is nice on her, but this is doing to her chest what Michelle Dockery’s Prada did at the Emmys last year, and although that was unpopular of me, I could not get over it, and I can’t here, either. It’s like an ode to underwire, and it’s tracing a really shallow W on her chest. A W for “Wuh?” and “Why?” and “Waaah.”

But let’s look at the hair:

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Fugdigger: Kim Kardashian in Balmain


“OMG.”

“TELL ME, KIMOTHY: WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEE? YOU DIDN’T LET ME SEE THAT THICK MONSTROSITY ‘TIL THEY’D BILLED IT TO ME FOR AN ENRAGING FEE. OR WAS IT FREE? IT HAD BETTER BE. BUT AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY I’M GONNA THROW IT IN A TREE OR MAIL IT TO PAWNEE SO IT CAN VOTE ABSENTEE IN THE BALLOT OF WHOOPEE VS. TEE HEE. ‘CAUSE NO CRYSTAL SNEEZE IS COMING HOME WITH ME. IT’S SIX-HUNDRED POUNDS OF EEEEE AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK CRAZY AND I’M A TALK ABOUT THIS IN HOUR NUMBER THREE OF OUR EVENTUAL THERAPY BECAUSE LIKE SOMETIMES I JUST REALLY DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR HEAD IS AND I DON’T THINK WE’RE CONNECTING ON THE DOPEST PLANE.”

[PHOTO: FAME/FLYNET]

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Fug the Show: Lindsay on OWN, season 1, episode 6


The nut of this episode is about Lindsay being inconsiderate and blowing off Elle Indonesia, but the part I will cherish the most is the first chunk, in which it’s revealed that I believe Dina Lohan’s ghost writer hates her with the quiet fire of a thousand burning suns and might therefore be my soulmate.

First, though, the weirdest bit: A title card tells us that Lindsay has decided to film herself as part of the show. They cut back to the footage three times in the course of the hour, all clearly taken on the same night because she’s wearing this outfit in different iterations, and the stuff they show later makes me wonder what the true order of the footage would be. Are you tantalized yet? Spoiler: It involves wine. Which, if it were consumed, I would be willing to bet was before this piece. She clearly decided to do some kind of cracked-out acting exercise, because — as the camera jumpily zooms in, in, in, in, and then out, out, out, out, about three times, she goes from looking like a spleen-snacking serial murderer…

… to a crying goon:

So I guess… if any producers out there are looking to do some kind of tear-sodden cross between The Godfather and Candyman, Lindsay Lohan has just auditioned for it.

And now for the scene that might be my spirit animal.

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Well Played: Myleene Klass in Dennis Basso at the Olivier Awards


I’ve always liked Myleene Klass. We did something with her years ago and she was incredibly cool, so I was always sad that her hosting opportunity in the U.S. — I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! — was on such a turd of a show.

Yeah, I’d say she rebounded from that just fine.

[Photo: WENN]

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