Fug File: Nylon

Fug the Cover: Lea Michele


It’s not her fault. But I CAN’T EVEN.

Is it weird that I would be more on board with this if she were actually wearing an actual cat costume? Is is also weird that the shorts, and the eyeliner, bother me more than the cat ears? Does it make a difference if I tell you that I wear a knit cap in winter sometimes that HAS little cat ears knitted on the top of it? But that actually that cap — which I love — sort of makes me look like I’m wearing a very subtle knit Batman cap, which is a thing I think almost everyone ought to do, because Batman is awesome? And that said Batman toque is literally the only thing I’ve ever worn that has caused New Yorkers to do a double take, like, have have you seriously never seen a girl in knit cap that sort of subtly  looks like Batman’s cowl, fools? This is New York city. There is a woman over there dressed like Jesus. (No one cares when I wear this hat in Los Angeles.) Also: what the hell am I even talking about? Oh, right: if we’re all supposed to start wearing that makeup now…well, I guess I just got back twenty minutes of eye makeup removal time every night before bed. I plan to use it to fight crime. Obviously.

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Fug the Nylon Party


Nobody brings out a middling array of Young Hollywood types in awkward clothes quite like Nylon.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Dianna Agron


I suppose I can’t quibble too much with how unlike herself Dianna looks, since the cover basically says this issue is an homage to the sixties.

It is still sort of strange to pick a cover subject and then render them unrecognizable to anyone taking a passing glance at the newsstand, but at least ’60s-Dianna looks like Twiggy, which would probably work to make most people do a double-take and then be like, “Oh, it’s the girl from Glee,” and then somehow during that person’s 20-minute internal monologue about whether any of the changes they make to Glee each season ever actually improve it, that person may find that he or she has — in a fugue state — purchased the issue (or shoplifted it, I suppose, but we don’t condone thievery unless it’s of our hearts, ahem, Pacey). The outfit too seems like an appropriately 2011 spin on the ’60s — which is to say, the ’60s by way of the ’80s and the Ice Capades. And finally, I have to give props to Nylon for “Makeup to wake up in,” because even though none of us are supposed to go to bed with full face on, I think we can all admit we’ve done that more than thrice, and possibly always. So at least they’re catering to what a girl really needs, which is almost always “six glasses of water and a coma,” rather than “ten minutes in front of the bathroom mirror taking a blurry swipe at her makeup with some Ponds.”

So in sum: I didn’t think I liked this at first, but now I’m wondering if it’s actually thematically effective. As a random cover? Crazy. As the cover of their I Love The ’60s issue? Maybe actually kind of okay.

And the only thing that could logically follow that kind of a milquetoast endorsement is a poll.

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Fug the Cover: Emily Browning


Nylon magazine wants to celebrate the 263 ways you can be beautiful.

Here is a sneak peek at some of them:

#14: Always make sure people know where your breasts are

#18: Any shirt that makes your nipples look like they have been filleted and then blown up is a shirt you must own

#76: Menstrual diapers always go over your tights. Trust!

#121: You can’t spell “panties” without “spite.”

#202: Pants? HA!

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Comparatively Well Played, Drew Barrymore/Fug The Cover: Drew Barrymore


I debated this one with myself for a while, the details of which I will spare you as they involved a long tangent about all the egregious awfulnesses of Never Been Kissed and a search for an L-shaped shower curtain rod, before coming up on the positive side:

[Photo: WENN.com]

I feel like this is a great example of how Drew Barrymore is growing up inside her whole flower-child aesthetic. Instead of still wearing bell-bottoms with flowers crocheted onto the leg, tinted round glasses, and a crown woven from dandelions that she picked up when she wanted to the party through a random field, she’s using the glittery dress pattern to express herself. It’s like, “I’m here, I’m just not as OBVIOUS anymore.”
And I DEFINITELY like this better than how Drew was styled for the cover of Nylon:

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Fug the Cover: Joseph Gordon-Levitt


[Photo: Nylon: Guys!]

Okay. First of all, if you haven’t seen (500) Days of Summer, you really should consider rectifying that. It is honest and delightful and that is rare. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt here is great it in. And he’s REALLY CUTE. Like, seriously-consider-having-his-babies cute. So I sort of wish Nylon Guys (I don’t know how to punctuate that. Nylon Guys seems as though it is about men made of nylon. Nylon: Guys is probably the most accurate, but I think I prefer Nylon: Guys! because it seems kickier)…what the hell as I talking about? Oh right: I wish Nylon: Guys! had asked him about (500) Days of Summer rather than G.I Joe, but (a) maybe they did and just decided Joe would be a more alluring draw on the cover for male readers, and (b) perhaps no one truly anticipated that G.I Joe would be as wretched as it allegedly is. But you know what I really wish? That they hadn’t taken someone so adorable and groomed him like someone who hasn’t taken a shower in six weeks and just really wants to talk to you about all his awesome tin cans and how aluminum foil will probably block the government’s mind control rays but only if it’s Reynold’s Wrap. You know what else I wish? I misread that headline on the bottom right as, “David Lynch and Nick Cannon on a yacht with pirates!” and I truly long for that to be made real. Bring me THAT in your next issue, Nylon: Guys!     

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