Fug the Show: The Client List


So, ever since Lifetime announced it was making a series version of The Client List, we have had it on our radar. How could we not? The TV movie was such a delicious shlockfest, full of Kind Touching and temporary coke-whoring, and of course the obligatory Let’s Use Bananas To Teach Texas Suburban Wives How To Rock A Wang scene.

For the series, it’s a reset and sort of a fresh slate: J.Lo.Hew and Cybill Shepherd still play mother and daughter, but they’re different people. Her husband is still a pouty ex-jock with an injury who can’t get a job, but in this one, he leaves her right at the beginning and this is what pushes her into becoming First Chair in the skin flute orchestra. But the most ¬†important change is, the salon is no longer the Kind Touch Health Spa. It is called… wait for it… The Rub. Well, technically it’s called The Rub of Sugar Land, a name which lacks the ticklish subtlety of the original but makes up for it by being hilariously trashy. I’m sure that tony Sugar Land (outskirts of Houston) is delighted to have been brought into the massage-porn fold in this manner. Anyway, come join me to see what else the series has going on, including: Loretta Devine’s character name, Colin Egglesfield, and a Trapped In The Closet alum. Oh, and boobs. Of the man AND lady variety.

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Comments (43):

  1. Eliza Bennett
    0

    First chair in the Skin. Flute. Orchestra. When will I learn not to drink coffee while reading your posts! I almost ruined my keyboard!

  2. Lina
    0

    1. Sugar Land, tony?? *bwahahahahahaha* Really not.
    2. They set the sleazy massage parlor next door to a Karate school. Um. 80% of martial arts studio clients are CHILDREN. That is so completely grossing me out, omg.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      Isn’t it? I had friends who lived there and it was all really huge houses.

  3. Michelle
    0

    “First Chair in the skin flute orchestra”??

    HILARIOUS!!

  4. Mara
    0

    Pregnant with a child fathered by a midget in a cupboard? WHAT.

  5. Lindsey
    0

    Yay! Thank you! This show is so ridiculously cheesy, it has become a must-see for me on Sundays. I have thoughts:

    *Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing is just part of JLH’s plan to be like “Look guys/Hollywood, I am SEXY!” As she executive produces it, I’m not sure why she doesn’t give her boobies their own credits.

    *My impression based on something one of the masseuses said was that the only action at The Rub was of the hand variety, which would make them the most elaborate handies ever. Although, that doesn’t make too much sense to me because why would guys that good looking (unrealistically so for a happy ending massage parlor) pay all that money for a hand job?

    *JLH’s attire is hilariously questionable. In front of her family she favors belly shirts, strapless dresses that are barely held up, and football t-shirts that barely cover her lady area.

  6. Lindsey
    0

    Oh, and I think Bridget’s name is Lacey. All the show has had her do is babysit JLH’s kids, and assist her in the worst and most obvious stalking mission every when they found the name of another women in the pocket of runaway husband’s coat. This was after the two of them left a combined 824 messages on the other woman’s voicemail.

  7. Jill
    0

    The show is worse than the movie, and that’s saying a lot. Still, it’s preferable Sunday night “ugh-I-have-to-go-back-to-work-tomorrow” fare to the hour-long Boardroom on Celebrity Apprentice, which I can FF through on Mondays.

    “Bridget” was also on the short-lived October Road, and Colin Egglesfield was booted from the Melrose Place re-tool IIRC.

  8. Softwear
    0

    How come kind touching is a BAD IDEA but sleeping with your recent ex’s brother is a GOOD IDEA? The first one pays the bills.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      The second one pays the EMOTIONAL BILLS. Also, let’s not treat these as social treaties. It’s a TV show. I want the pretty people to hook up.

  9. Gigi
    0

    I can’t stop laughing. This is fantastic.

    Sugarland used to be sleepy/country, then got tony and built up, but mostly by cashed up hillbillies. So, it all kinda fits.

    • BigTex
      0

      “cashed up hillbillies” – OMG! I live in Houston and you are really feeding my “inside the Loop” snobbery, Gigi!

  10. sarah
    0

    you need to watch the “behind the scenes” section of Trapped in the Closet…”Bridget” cries like crazy discussing how brilliant R. Kelly is…it was one of the most astounding things on that entire disc, and that is saying A LOT.

    • GFY Heather
      0

      Oh my God, I thought I HAD watched those but apparently I missed that. YIKES.

  11. Rowynn
    0

    If there is ANY good thing at all about this show, it’s the fact that the fugging of it makes hilarious reading.

  12. Amy
    0

    I don’t have cable, so I can’t watch this show, but please please please keep recap-fugging it.

  13. andrea
    0

    C’mon, Heather, tell us how you really feel.

    I admit it. I laughed out loud.

  14. neiges
    0

    I don’t understand. Who is the target audience? Boys don’t watch this crap and why would women stare at J. Hew’s boobs all the time? Like Ghost Whisperer, who would want to stare at her staring haggardly with her glossy lips opened?

    • neiges
      0

      I am so crancky, forgot to tell you that I laughed outloud throughout the whole recap. Please keep going. Wax on, wax off: thank you so much for that.

    • junior
      0

      Gay men.

  15. Samantha
    0

    This show is my guilty Sunday night pleasure. While the rest of my friends watch Game of Thrones, I watch this (yes, I’m a philistine). It’s so campy and ridiculous in every possible way. Please keep recapping it!

  16. PeggyO
    0

    Wax on, wax off. I’m so very glad you went there.

  17. Julie
    0

    I don’t intend to ever watch this show (it’s on the air but Ringer is probably gone?!?) but I will read your recaps every single week. Laughed till I cried.

  18. vandalfan
    0

    I think this is the best recap you will ever undertake, because of all the delicious double entendre possibilities. Also, the font of the small “t” makes “tucking it in” seem to spell an entirely different phrase, if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge.

    Seriously, though, I never thought I’d live to see a day when a program with THIS theme was on non pay-for-view television.

  19. Randi
    0

    Ahhh haha… I thought the show itself was funny!

  20. Joe
    0

    This looks so dumb, I can’t believe I’m not watching it.

  21. JanetP
    0

    Oh, I’ve been hoping you would fug the show. I am never going to watch it, but your recap is hysterical!!

  22. Amber
    0

    Thank you for fugging this show! I can’t bring myself to watch it, but I will read your recaps/fugging every week!

  23. Sue
    0

    That was a hysterically near-dirty recap. Your best! I’ll never watch this show but I will read your recaps. You provide a real service “Heather watches it so you don’t have to”.
    Thanks!

  24. kz.
    0

    I thought the “skin flute orchestra” was the funniest thing I’d seen in forever and ever and then I got to the part about your friend BUILDING A CUPBOARD to be the MIDGET IN THE CUPBOARD and… *DIES*

    also, I am forever and ever grateful I don’t have to watch this crap. thanks for taking one for the team, Heather! it’s so multimedia-TWoP of you!

  25. Girlin
    0

    hahahahaha!!! I do not have this channel and I highly doubt this programme will come to Irish TV BUT this re-cap must continue!! Georgia Cumming!!!!!! Midget?? I applaud you! I laughed out loud! I especially love that you call her ‘Hew’..hilar!

  26. Jenny
    0

    Oh dear all I can think of when I read The Rub is that episode of the Cosby show where Cliff and his friends play pinochle when one of the guys wins and goes to rub the loser’s head, he says in his arudite professor voice “Ay there’s THE RUB”

  27. Sajorina
    0

    I am so not watching this show, but I am sooooo reading this hilarious recaps! Thank you, GFY Heather!!!

  28. Melbourne on my mind
    0

    Did you know that JLH’s character has a Twitter account? It’s pretty dull and kind of insane that some poor bastard gets paid to tweet as a fictional character. But sometimes, it’s (inadvertently??) hilarious: “Sometimes when we’re touched in massage, feelings come out. Things we didn’t even know we were holding onto. xoRP” <– Yes. FEELINGS are what comes out when you give massages.

    Anyway, it's here if you want to get your snark on: https://twitter.com/#!/RileyParks82

    • megs283
      0

      pretttttty please let this be JLH and her version of “method acting.”

  29. megs283
    0

    The first three episodes of this show are on FIOS OnDemand. HELLO Friday night!!!

    (Pretty sure I can convince my husband to watch, since he has a thing for JLH… sigh.)

  30. The Fugger
    0

    “First Chair in the skin flute orchestra” may be my favorite phrase in the history of GFY. This includes every single Hola Lovers Jenny post ever.

    However. HOWEVER. I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY RENAMED KIND TOUCH “THE RUB.” OH MY GOD J. LO HEW SERIOUSLY?

    …the one thing I’ve always loved about Jennifer Love Hewitt is her subtlety, tact, and decolletage.

    …DECORUM. I MEANT DECORUM.

    Also, I last saw those jeans on the girl who sat in front of me in English my senior year. It was 2002. I was just starting to come out of the closet. Suffice to say, her thong th-thong thong thong did not make much of an impact on me.

  31. The Fugger
    0

    …this show DOES NOT EXIST. God cannot be this good to allow something like this to happen weekly.

    I mean, Georgia Cummings? The Whoremobile line? THE FACT THAT THEY RECRUITED THE CHICK FROM TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET?! Please tell me that the little person from TITC also makes a cameo appearance.

  32. Liz985
    0

    I laughed out loud, too. But I cannot bring myself to watch the delectable Colin E. in this artistic endeavor. After viewing my guilty pleasure “Something Borrowed” many times (much better than people give it credit for), I know he’s capable of better. Why did he succumb to the curse that is JLH? (Yeah, money probably. We all have to make a living :-(

  33. ChrisH
    0

    But…WHERE is the Dashboard Angel of Judgement? I’m so upset!

    I have to get a towel to clean up the food I just sprayed over my monitor after reading “WANG HER.”

  34. Sarah
    0

    I’m only watching this show for your posts

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    0

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