Freaky Fug Friday: Xtina

After a crazy first quarter of the year that included both awards season AND Fug Madness, we decided it was time — finally — to bring back Freaky Fug Friday. But this time, it’s a souped-up Freaky Fug Friday, because there is a PRIZE. A really good one.

Megan McCafferty — a New York Times best-selling author, thanks to her hilarious and poignant Jessica Darling books — has a new novel coming out on Tuesday. It’s called Bumped, it’s a satire about a world in which teens are farmed out to get pregnant for profit (not so foreign a concept now that Us Weekly covers the Teen Mom girls like they’re celebrities), it’s incredibly clever both in concept and in execution, and we have five (FIVE!) copies of it to give away to Freaky Fug Friday finalists.

So this week, we’ll pick not three finalists but five, and each one will get a brand spanking new copy of Megan’s book. Because beach season is right around the corner and we all need something to curl up with under our umbrellas and giant hats and layers of sunscreen, right? Although, I suspect you won’t be able to wait that long to read it. And once you pick it up, forget it, you’re sucked in and staying there.

Ready? Here we go:

THE SUBJECT: Christina Aguilera, singer, semi-pro partier, future Cher impersonator?

THE DETAILS: Christina is in West Hollywood to launch the Gay Walk of Fame.

And she brought some friends.

THE ASSIGNMENT: Let’s go back to my personal favorite, the acrostic. Here is a rundown of how it works, with some examples; basically, the first letter of each line should spell a relevant word or phrase. We’ve done them before with Courtney Love and Lenny Kravitz, among others, and they always bring out the best and funniest Fug Nation has to offer.

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by Sunday at 10 p.m. Pacific time. Do not e-mail it, please.

THE PRIZE: Our five finalists get a copy of Bumped, and then y’all vote on the winner Monday. That person gets the people’s ovation — so, the same prize as Iron Chef.

Ready? Set? GO.

[Photos: Pacific Coast News]

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Comments (192):

  1. Heather

    Breasts! Damn, girl, while those are impressive,
    Or even awe-inspiring, nevertheless, I question the taste level
    Of putting them on display so … frontally.
    Bras can be your friend,
    So try getting one that fits.

  2. Ramzi H. Chitour

    T – Take a look at this boys
    R – Right off the floor at burlington coat factory
    A – Amazing, right?
    G – Girl, please.
    I – I’m ready to vomit
    C – Can we leave already?

  3. Beth C.

    Barely there clothing, lace stretching, threatening to tear.
    Alas, how will those breasts stay contained?
    Zinging away, bursting away from the bustier.
    Oh, how the girls long for their freedom,
    Never responding to the demands of gravity.
    Go forth Xtina, why bind yourself?
    Allow your bazongas to roam free.

  4. Wootini

    Bras are for pussies.
    All I need is some sexy undies from the ’50s.
    Zaftig is in, you know…
    Or is it out right now?
    Oh, I can’t even remember…
    My brain is fried from all this bleach.
    Suck it. I look crazy fabulous. Or maybe just crazy… I can’t tell anymore.

  5. Jessica

    Don’t worry, America
    U aren’t seeing the real Xtina
    Underneath this brothel-madame costume
    Resides a normal mother of one.
    Really, I just wear this for special occasions.
    Remind me again why I’m at this one?
    To launch the Gay Walk of Fame?
    You all know I wear this to impress the gents, right?

  6. TarynE

    S- Stuffed into that outfit
    A- A bit too small.
    U- Underwear is not clothes,
    S- So PLEASE put them away!
    A- Agreed?
    G- Good… but…..
    E- Examine your makeup, too.

  7. David

    Overt boob display
    Vagina skimming skirts
    Every time you leave the house
    Requires hand sanitizer for the souls of onlookers
    Indomitable skankiness?
    Those three “R’s” are well earned.

  8. Liz

    Dear God!
    I think I forgot something
    Robe – check
    Rose between my breast – check
    Thigh high clips – check
    Yay, I am good to go!

  9. Natalie S.

    This, I may have seen here before.
    Although I can’t recall who wore it.
    Yep, definitely someone from the fug archives.
    Legsly, first name Boobs, maybe?
    Or The Widow Longoria?
    Rather not, I fear.

    Much too ostentatious for those two.
    Okay, I think if altered slightly,
    Maybe remove the coat and add some
    Stripper heels, also include lots of
    Extensions and raccoon eyes…
    Nope, can’t put my finger on it.

  10. sharjem

    N-o, really

  11. Claire

    Clever girl!
    How did you know that your
    Rack would distract us?
    I barely noticed your
    Shoe bows and fur robe.
    The horrifying
    Insect eyes on your chest will give me
    Nightmares for weeks.
    Are you happy now?

  12. Sean Lifschitz

    Well, I was going for a classic look
    Have you ever seen “Pretty Baby?”
    Or maybe some other movie set in the early 1900s
    Really big groups of women who lived in boarding houses together?
    Every one of them dressed like this.
    So what’s the big deal?

  13. Nicole McIlroy Steeves

    When I look at you,
    How fondly I think upon
    Old memories of
    Rewinding The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas to the best parts
    Early mornings before school,
    Hoping I could look so glamorous as Dolly and the girls
    Once my breasts came in,
    Unaware then that
    Some prayers are best left unanswered,
    Especially if you ever want to look your own children in the eye.

    Good luck, Xtina.

  14. IzzyG

    Dammmmmn that queen looks
    And those sure are convincing

  15. kelcut

    Beloved Christina,
    Look at your accomplishments,
    Overcoming your Disney beginnings to
    Navigate your way to the top of the charts. Then came
    So you set out to make a movie…
    No one appreciated Burlesque like they should have.
    Once you appeared on screen, I was mesmerized.
    Only now… what is going on?
    Kicking your husband out, forgetting the words to our anthem, then an arrest?
    You’d better head to Jersey.

  16. shannon

    Bleached-out hair,
    Outrageous false…….lashes,
    She poses proudly, but,
    Oh my word!
    Men, she needs help walking!

  17. Rowynn

    C-hristina -
    A sleazy black
    L-ooks appropriate for public appearances.
    I-t’s just poor taste.
    N-ot to mention, you’re wearing your grandma’s
    G-irdle with it.
    M-aybe vintage undergarments
    A-re best left in the boudoir.
    E-veryone knows your
    W-ardrobe is eccentric, but this
    T-ry again.

  18. Chelsea

    Working with Cher was amazing.
    Her advice was that I should
    Always be willing
    To be me.

    To be entirely
    Honest, I don’t know
    Exactly what that means.

    For now, I’m just going with this.

  19. Emilie Finch


    Cher’s stage costume should
    Remains in her dressing room
    After her show as should yours. The
    Zeitgeist is telling
    You to not wear pants. I am

    Telling you this is not the
    Instinct you should follow.
    Nor is the one you have to
    Abandon clothes and choose lingerie

  20. Emily Ehlers

    Please tell me my eyes deceive!
    Looking at those triple
    At least remember your child…
    Someday to grow into an
    Embarrassed adult.

    Please. It is unhealthy to wear
    Undergarments that tight! Or putting
    That much bleach on your hair!

    Its sad to think that birds had to die for
    That terrible looking bathrobe.

    As your friend, Dear Xtina
    With your best interests in mind…
    Away those trashy fishnets. I’m only being kind.
    Yours, Emily

  21. Madness

    Body shapers are not
    Outerwear, nor should they
    Overly express your … assets.
    Betcha thought I was going to say
    Something else.

  22. jude

    Bleach is clearly leaking into my head and causing stylistic brainfarts
    I’m the love child of Elvira and Cher, y’all!
    Must’ve forgotten to put my DRESS on
    Breastacular outfits are SO GOOD for my career
    Over it? Not hardly. I am beautiful, no matter what they say…

  23. Ingrid

    Bosoms out: CHECK
    Undergarments as outerwear: CHECK
    Really really red lips: CHECK
    Legs covered in fishnets: CHECK
    Emu dying for my robe: CHECK
    Super platinum blond hair: CHECK
    Queens everywhere copying her look: CHECK
    Egregiously violating Mae West’s memory: CHECK

  24. Ingrid

    Bosoms out: CHECK
    Undergarments as outerwear: CHECK
    Really really red lips: CHECK
    Legs covered in fishnets: CHECK
    Emu dying for my robe: CHECK
    Super platinum blond hair: CHECK
    Queens everywhere copying her look: CHECK
    Under the radar: FAIL
    Egregiously violating Mae West’s memory: CHECK

  25. Magdalena

    Even lingerie models
    Are aware of the
    Underwear rule.
    The one that says you don’t wear
    It in public.
    Forgetful, aren’t
    Love, me.

  26. Challis

    B-Bare it all, they say
    O-Overtly sexual is where it’s at!
    T-Take it to the extreme
    T-Tounge your boyfriend all over town!
    L-Let it all hang out!
    E-Everyone is NOT always right.

    I- I
    T- Think you need to button it

    P-Please, for the sake of the children!

  27. Wren

    Breasts barely wrangled
    Under a coat somehow feathered AND sheer
    Red lips, red nails are getting old on you and
    Lashes don’t have to be 10 feet long
    Even if you are going for a sexy “bedroom” look
    Sausage casing is not “in” right now
    Questionable doesn’t even begin to describe
    Underwear as outerwear
    Easy on the attention-whoring!

  28. Dove

    A list of crimes:

    Orange skin
    Red lipstick

    *many of these are fine on their own. All together, not so much…

  29. Lindsay-Jean

    X-rated outfit is not a surprise, but
    Topping it off with that coat is an
    Insult to black ostriches.
    Not to nitpick, but
    Aren’t those garter clips supposed to attach to something?

  30. Bistie Lou


    Hooker couture is already
    Overdone by
    Taylor Momsen

    My eyes!
    Everything is

  31. Deborah

    First genies in bottles, then drrrty chaps, and now this mess.
    Using drag makeup to launch the Gay Walk of Fame may seem inspired, but
    Perhaps you should consider a stylist.
    And maybe go up a size?

  32. leah

    Ostentatious wardrobe,
    Hair bleached within an inch of its life–

    Have you done something to anger your stylist?
    Or is Spanx is paying you handsomely to forgo pants?
    Nobody wears underwear-as-outerwear quite as
    Expertly as you do, after all, and
    You make sure everyone knows it.

    Now that you’ve made your point, however, perhaps you’d be
    Obliged to put those things away and look into pants.

  33. Janet

    Xtina’s new show on NBC, “The Voice” is really about…
    T- The
    H- Hideous
    E- Evening-wear

    V- Vanities
    O- Of
    I- Ill-fitting
    C- Chubbette Celeb(?)
    E- Entertainers (?)

  34. Hookedonbass

    Her tatas out, and thighs a’ gartered,
    Our heroine stood proudly, plumage fluttering–
    Truly, this was her finest moment.

    Tawdry”, her foes had called her;
    Resign yourself to not being a size 4 anymore” they implored.
    A lawsuit was brought by former burlesque queens,
    Nailing her to the wall for copy-right infringement
    Nevertheless, as she downed her 14th shot, she knew:
    You can never go wrong with Goth Mae West.

    Maybe later she’d find another clump of platinum in the drain–
    Everyone knows that’s the price one pays for beauty.
    Someday, they’d recognize her genius, they’d see that
    Star is spelled d-i-r-r-t-y.

  35. VA

    Methinks her
    Ugly coat is made of
    Puppet fur
    Perhaps from an
    Emo Elmo doll.
    Tears in the eyes of Mr.

    Nether-region panel? Check.
    Garter clips to nowhere? Check.
    Everywhere you look is
    Really, truly awful and furthermore
    It appears she forgot her Spanx. Conclusion?
    Eye bleach, please.

  36. Sidsel

    O Holy Night!
    You Lost Me (you really did)
    My Woman is Gone (where did you go?)
    Oh Mother! (Are you-)
    Running out of Time (going-)
    On and on (but unable to escape-)
    Next Big Thing (?)

  37. Natalie

    This is entirely too tight,
    As I can see the rolls in your midsection.
    Christina, you looked so great when you released Back to Basics. We all
    Know you’re better than this, so please but an end to it!

  38. eee

    Maybe it’s too much.
    All eyes are on me,
    Even if I do look desperate.

    While no one can deny my voice,
    Everyone can argue my personal
    Style leaves much to be desired.
    Trollop is not haute couture.

    I sometimes wonder if I am
    Maligning my career with my
    Poor personal choices.
    Excessive drinking and crashing
    Renner’s birthday party does not
    Solidify a future for me.
    On the other hand, I have a
    New TV show coming. Tune in,
    America! You never know when my
    Ta-tas may free themselves from this
    Outlandishly tight underwear, boosting
    Ratings through wardrobe malfunctions!

  39. ellen

    Gosh, Xtina – your outfit is so…
    Appropriate for the occasion?
    You do look exactly like a drag queen,
    Which is a group to be celebrated
    At this particular event.
    Love your overstuffed girdle which is
    Kind of a throwback, right?
    Or did you just suffer one of those silly brain
    Freezes, where all the important drinking and partying causes you to
    Forget to put your dress on?
    A lot of us have been there, dear, so
    Might as well make the most of it and
    Entertain Fug Nation while you’re at it!

  40. shebrihart

    Holy hell woman!
    Our eyes can’t
    Take this any longer!

    Me thinks you might have a problem,
    Enough with the shtick already.
    Send yourself away for a while, and
    Save yourself please!

  41. Hookedonbass

    (Take 2: revised, just in case the other version was disqualified for the lines being too long!)

    Her tatas out, and thighs a’ gartered,
    Our heroine stood proudly, plumage fluttering–
    Truly, this was her finest moment.

    Tawdry”, her foes had called her;
    Resign yourself to not being a size 4” they cried.
    A lawsuit by former burlesque queens,
    Nailed her to the wall for copy-right infringement
    Nevertheless, by the 14th vodka shot, she knew:
    You can never go wrong with Goth Mae West.

    Maybe she had to re-dye her hair each morning-
    Everyone knows that’s the price of beauty.
    Someday, they’d recognize her genius & see
    Star is spelled d-i-r-r-t-y.

  42. Kelsey

    Child please!
    Honey NO!
    Really, the fur-trim robe has got to go.
    Is it necessary to put your chest in such a squeeze?
    Sometimes your tatas deserve to breathe.
    Too bad you debuted this ensemble for the “Gay Walk of Fame”
    It would have been better suited for the “Drunk Walk of Shame”
    Now my eyes are burning and my innocence is marred,
    All because of your failed attempt at avant-garde.

  43. Christi

    No way

  44. Zoe

    Legs are out.
    And ze garders? Zey
    Do nothing!
    Yet, there they are.


    Sublime in lace and marabou,
    Heavenly, her hair.
    If only we all could attain this
    Elusive, elusive
    Level of

  45. RubyCopper

    T – Tiny tight trashy
    O – ostentatious clothing is X-tina’s modus
    O – operandi.

    T -trust me honey even
    I – I think that even the
    G- gays are probably
    H- horrified by this.
    T- try again

  46. kitty

    suspenders! still dirrty
    unstoppable in red lipstick and lace, i got trouble with this genie in a bottle.
    sweet mouseketeer, you
    appear to be carrying too many potatoes in your black swan sack.
    go up a size when your
    eyelashes are larger than your underoos.

    come on over, baby! channel
    ali in burlesque, the
    small town girl with the heart of gold. (i loved you
    in that movie.) also, your
    nails are beautiful, no matter what they say. viva
    glam (and cam gigandet).

  47. amy t.

    Panties need to be in her closet.
    Are her girlfriends mad at her? Did
    No one tell you that you look desperately tragic,

  48. Sieglinde

    Bodacious though one might think, an
    Unparalleled voice for the pink,
    Might I suggest, a
    Pornography test,
    So your vah jay jay don’t wink.

  49. Kellyellyoxenfree

    Maybe this was too much, but
    I just want to show you, Dear World, the
    Reflection of who I am inside.
    Revealing my heart of
    Ostrich feathers, fishnets and
    Rubber-plated girdles.

    Must we pretend to be
    Into pants and outerwear?
    Really? I find the idea
    Only those hiding behind a mask wear pants. For
    Reasons unknown to me.

  50. Anissa

    Going out on the town,
    Always my favorite pastime.
    Yes sir…

    Well what should I wear?
    A simple mini dress?
    Little black dress?
    Knee highs w/ garters?

    Or a combination of them all!

    Hollywood glam!
    Everyone knows that this is just a cry for help, right?

  51. Thomas

    Daily I’ll strive to keep pushing them higher,
    Onward and up, to my chin they aspire
    Undaunted by attention to my one buckled thigh
    Be buoyant, my girls, and hold yourself high!
    Let go gentlemen, I think I’ll walk fine,
    Eyes must behold my pleathered vagine!
    Decked out in my feathers, I couldn’t be prouder,
    Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.

  52. lauren

    Oh honey, no.
    Everything you wear
    Reminds me of stripper gear
    Tatas on display
    Hair so blonde that it’s starting to look gray
    Even Hugh Hefner would refuse your
    Red lips and cheap looking shoes
    A lady never wears lingerie on public display nor
    Massacres poodles to market the world’s ugliest jacket for a whore
    Please just stop trying so hard to impress us all, Burlesque is over—and, well…
    America knows you’d really rather be drinking alcohol
    Really, Xtina, America just didn’t need another bad reality show
    To introduce our innocent children to Hollywood’s addictive glow—
    Simply put: save your time and energy prepping for Cher’s next music video

  53. Jamie M.

    U- Underneath all that slap
    P- Plead two long-suffering bosoms

    A- And all lower extremities

    S- Screaming for release from the constriction of man-made spandex.
    I- Impossible to breathe: pores, diaphragm, and intestines
    Z- Zealously await the return home, upon which they can finally
    E- Expel gas.

  54. vinniepop


  55. lauren

    Oh honey, no.
    Everything you wear
    Reminds me of stripper gear
    Tatas on display
    Hair so blonde that it’s starting to look gray
    Even Hugh Hefner would refuse your
    Red lips and cheap looking shoes
    A lady never wears lingerie on public display nor
    Massacres poodles to market the world’s ugliest jacket for a whore
    Please just stop trying so hard to impress us all, Burlesque is over—and, well…
    America knows you’d really rather be drinking alcohol
    Really, Xtina, America just didn’t need another bad reality show
    To introduce our innocent children to Hollywood’s addictive glow—
    Simply put: save your time and energy prepping for Cher’s next music video

  56. Patricia

    Please, girl!
    It looks like you are the spokesmodel for
    Negligees R’ Us.
    Underwear is not outerwear.
    Put the boobs back under wraps.

  57. susan

    X-rated clothes

    Too tight to breathe

    In undergarments as outerwear

    No worries boys

    Aguilera’s on the town

  58. neiges

    Endangered by tasteless time machine
    Loop, can anyone
    Push the exit button

  59. Blue Shoe

    Undergarments are not
    Meant to be worn under
    Bird -inspired, sheer dressing gowns.
    As I
    Look at this, I ponder: where does one even purchase such a….
    Lovely… robe?
    Surely not from Lady Marmalade. Perhaps the Candy Man

  60. Jill

    Damn gurl, you look Dirrrrty!
    Is Max still being breastfed?
    Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?
    Another entry for Fug Madness 2012!
    Lady Christina has gone and lost her mind
    In case of emergency, pull on the garter belt
    Christina post divorce = Snooki
    Instead of Burlesque, the porn adaptation will be Boobsesque
    Over 10 collies were skinned to make that sheer jacket
    Understatement is so last year
    So many gays, so little time!

  61. Alyson

    Imbibing way too much.
    As outerwear.

    Implants, maybe?

    Look in the mirror!
    Ease off the makeup
    As your natural
    Self is lovely &

  62. Kate

    Pants, What?

    Prithee, Xtina,
    Are you incapable of wearing adequate amounts of clothing?
    Sylph that you are,
    Why should you tease the masses with your scantily clad nether regions?
    Hope against hope that one day you will wear something normal.
    As for now, we must
    Tell the world our plea: PANTS, WHAT?

  63. Katharine

    M ethinks the cannonballs
    E rected on your
    L ady chest reminds
    O ne of Dita Von Teese in times of desperation. This does
    N ot rub me the right way.
    S mooches!

  64. manionista

    Yes, Christina.

    You are beautiful no matter what they say..


    I’m sorry. Can’t beat that one…

  65. manionista

    Dear Christina,

    Where did you get that skirt? I f**kin’ love it! With the fishnet and stuff. You look f**kin’ awesome gal!! Oh, and here is the link to my real Facebook page. We can be friend. Love to hang out with you soon.

    Taylor Momsen

  66. Crystal



  67. Alex

    Erica Kane

    Everyone wept the day it was announced, the end of an era.
    Reality tv, damn you!
    Inevitable as it was,
    Courage will be needed.
    Although, should we dress like our great fallen idol?
    Kabuti makeup aside, is this a fitting tribute?
    Are there some looks that only work in Pine Valley?
    Needing Adam Chandler and soft lighting to make sense.
    Everything must come to an end. Let it go Christina, let it go.

  68. Stefanie

    I love Christina. I’m a huge fan of her voice and her music. I just feel like shes had a hard time lately. So I present: An Open Letter to Christina.

    G – irrrrl
    E – exposed underwear?
    N – ot at all what this girl wants.
    I – dont get it.
    E – xactly what were you going for?

    I – dont care you had sex for breakfast.
    N – or should your reflection show it.

    A – voice within should have been louder.

    B – ecause you’re beautiful
    O – n the underside of all that paint.
    T – hus, you need a makeover
    T – o tell you the truth, maybe a make under.
    L – ook, you don’t have to try so hard.
    E – veryone loves you for you.

  69. Jensa

    Breasts squeezed in tight,
    Overflowing and
    Out of control.
    Busting out!
    Spanx be damned.

  70. Kassia

    Really Xtina, we need to have some words.
    Every time I see you, I wonder if you looked in a mirror before you left the house. I doubt it.
    Please listen to a few helpful tips and bits of advice.
    Underwear goes on the inside, sweetie. Surely your mother told you this.
    Girl, your dress looks like a girdle. Just say no to outerwear support garments.
    No, really. I cannot say this enough. Underwear on the inside.
    And while we’re on the topic, you should lower those puppies. Let yourself breath a little.
    No matter what you were told, the feather robe doesn’t class this up.
    That person should be fired. You are not actually a 40 year old whore for hire.

  71. Arielle

    Moulin Monroe

    More weight but less clothing,
    Oh how I miss my Dirrrrty days.
    Upside is, my satin crotch protector
    Looks perfect with these feathered drapes.
    I don’t know how to use the garters,
    Needed a hand to force the zipper over
    My expanded curves, but at least, teetering
    On my Louboutins after one too many, I see
    No more leather chaps for me. Fishnets are
    Really classier for a mom. Get a good grip
    On my fake-tanned hand while we walk.
    Eat your heart out, Momsen.

  72. Emma

    This just in:

    Dame Aguilera
    Zing to
    Yesterdays launch. The

    Trollop purpotedly
    Mishandling of

  73. Bevin Maloney

    D- Dearest Christina,
    r- Right now all I can see
    a- Are your
    g- ginormous fake boobs.

    q- Queer Walk of Fame
    u- Understands your their favorite hag,
    e- Even though you’ve gotte pudgy,
    e- Even though they like boys,
    n- Never wear that in public again!

  74. sarah

    Gaga had her egg, but for me
    Ostrich feathers are the key
    Upping the ante just a bit
    Peignoirs worn in public are the sh..
    As to my “endowments”, some might say
    Squeezing them into this is not okay
    I admit, while it’s hard to breathe
    Zero’s not a size I’ll leave
    Even if I faint or heave!

  75. Wendy

    Maribou and fishnets
    Mamarries galore
    Maybe a wig too?
    Bra top
    And your bottom half is
    Crammed into fishnets
    Oh Xtina

  76. Kathy

    On now Xtina!
    No need
    To jump on
    So uncomfortably tight!
    Underwear as outerwear is
    Not a good look
    Every woman should know that.
    Rest our fears,
    Promise you will
    Refrain from squeezing your
    Every curve into
    Sausage casing on The Voice.
    Save your yourself!
    Undergarments are meant to
    Reinforce and
    Enhance. Not Asphyxiate!

  77. Courtney T

    Lingerie as
    Of a
    N’est pas

  78. corriner

    D- Dear JEBUS! I exclaimed over my morning cereal,
    E-Egads! I screeched while spilling coffee on my lap,
    V-Verily, Xtina has eaten the Wonder Twins!
    I-I can’t lie, they’re like a car accident,
    L-Legitimately I can’t look away.
    S-Shame spiral… for her and for me.

    T-Time to talk, Xtina,
    W-we need to sit you down and TRUTH TOUCH
    I-In no way is it ok for you to be wearing
    N-next-to-nothing when you’re bosom buddies are
    S-STARING ME DOWN like Satan’s bounty.

  79. Laura B

    Once upon an innocent time,
    Her hair was real and her skin wasn’t orange,

    Long since have those days passed us by,
    Only the voice remains unchanged.
    Ready or not, this doesn’t seem to be just a phase,
    Desperate bordello is her new diiirrtty,
    You guys, I really want to put this genie back in the bottle.

  80. Samina

    When you don’t have a dress to wear
    Open your closet and
    Re-appropriate your underwear
    Dita Von Teese approves
    So should you!

    Christina is ready for her
    Arrival in a
    Nipped and

    Industrial strength
    No Nonsense
    Garter holder!

    You too can own this item if you
    Order now!
    Under no Circumstances

    Do we
    Witchy marabou trimmed robes to bring this look from
    Night to nightmarish.

  81. Gauthier

    Bodice about to
    Tragic, with it’s
    Cheap lace, oh wait
    Hello, found my coat made of Vegan Rageddy Ann’s hair

    Paltry, are the expletives,
    Loquacious though I may be
    Eh, what’s the use
    All she needs is time away from the
    Even Louboutins won’t woo the gays now

  82. Ranee Singleton

    Help poor Christina
    Aguilera, her
    Make-up person made her
    Head and face
    Orange, but she flubbed the
    Color of her legs. She should have
    Kept away from that weird
    Shade of gray.

  83. Amanda6


    Generous bosom,
    Emerging in the
    Night like two
    Inconvenient reminders of
    Erstwhile taste.

    Indelible red lips and
    Noxious fumes of bleach permeating the sphere in which you stand.

    Achtung! We see you crying out for it!

    Baleful is that waist-cincher to your figure;
    Ultimately all you’ll have to show for it are
    Squashed internal organs and a
    Tired set of lungs about to give up on you.
    If only you remembered your age!
    Eager to forgo your career and begin tribute shows in Vegas,
    Racing toward lounge lady fame in prom-at-the-brothel heels.

  84. Ducki


    Generations of impressionable youths
    Embraced your dirrrty philosophy that
    Nothing screams STRONG LADY like mere
    Inches of fabric fashioned like censorship bars
    Encircling one’s naughtiest bits.

    But then came the inevitable fall as
    Ever more creative nudity surpassed your chapless pants.

    Get back in your bottle
    Oh please, Christina Dear, for
    Not even the campiest gays can save your
    Embattled fame now that Gaga’s hit the scene.

  85. Jen

    Hold my hand, will you?
    Oh baby, it’s hard to walk in these heels.
    This skirt is so tight I think I’m losing circulation in my legs.

    Maybe I should’ve gone up a size?
    Even I can’t wear a zero anymore.
    Steady now, don’t want to pop a stitch.
    Suck it in and work it out.

  86. supercute

    It takes a brave woman indeed
    To pull off such a look.
    Champagne may have been a bad idea,
    Have you spilled some in your lap?

    Playtex’s new line of evening wear
    Leaves us all gasping with…
    Excitement? Sure, ok.
    At least we can’t see your underwear.
    Shit. Nevermind.
    Elegance is overrated.

  87. bonnie

    Look here, missy,
    At this piece of fug!
    Do is it really occur to you that
    You are no Cher?

    Maybe a new life strategy is
    At play.
    Really, though, will
    Momsen garters
    And Demi bike shorts
    Launch your
    Ailing career?
    Do yourself a favor:
    Emulate someone else.

  88. bonnie

    Ooops! Line three should read “Does it” instead of “Do is it.”

  89. Fuh Ugh

    OMG! Wootini wins it with “BAZOOMS”!

  90. Marianna


    Although a coffin on the crotch
    Says a lot about a girl
    Step back and
    Embrace the agreement of bosom,
    Thigh, and
    Sheerness of sleeve

  91. Joe

    Bionic-lady: The
    Overdisplay of
    Boobery and leginess
    Simultaneously is my turf.

    Let’s not
    Even talk talk about the rest (two words:
    Goth Capades). But
    Leave the double-sided cleavage to the professionals.
    Yours in Christ, Boobs Legsly.

  92. ddukes

    My, but I’ve gotten more mature
    At least I can still sing
    Eating is more interesting
    When you are newly divorced
    Endings can be beneficial
    So much so
    That I felt like walking outside in my underwear

  93. Denise B

    S uccessful singer who
    P arties furiously and
    R ather
    A ll the time;
    Y ou need
    T o be careful that your
    A ccoutrements are
    N ot flammable.

  94. muz

    So, less pin-up than pop-
    Up. Or pop-OUT, I should say.
    But! Let it not be said
    That big bird’s evil cousin died in vain.
    Lo, even now, his noble, inky plumage,
    Enlivens the tasteful, pop art ensemble.

  95. Anne B

    Fug Nation: A tribute. Not to Christina, but to Sassy Gay Friend:

    W – What, what, WHAT are you doing?
    H – Have you lost your mind AND your pants?
    O – Oh my God. PUT THOSE AWAY.
    R – Really? TWO handlers, Baby Jane??
    R – Red’s a good color on you; and
    I – I love the shoes! But you have to
    F – Forget about the platinum. Old old OLD.
    I – It’s a new world of pants and possibilities,
    C – Christina. You *crazy bitch*. <3

  96. Mary R

    Until you’re a drag queen for
    Let’s not pretend there’s
    Spanx in the world to
    Qualify this outfit as anything but

  97. Celia

    X-tra large fur vest?
    Teeny tiny underwear-dress thingy?
    Ill fitting wig?
    Negligee shoes?
    All a working-girl needs!

  98. narshkite

    I want to feel like a
    Ginormous milk-filled cow encased in
    High tensile strength shrinkwrap

    And though pretty dresses abound I
    Nevertheless stuff my 110 pounds of shitbrickhouse into
    Dress up clothes discarded by Taylor Momsen

    Except sluttier and more
    Pantigirdles are the last refuge of the constrictophile
    Only the cessation of breath can be called a
    Downside. Hold me upright boys as asphyxia takes old, and take care
    Elastic topped garters can fly when stretched to the limit and they’ll take out an eye.

  99. Rebecca

    Xanax, please, I shouted aloud,
    This outfit would make a hooker proud
    In the midst of my panic attack, I swore
    Never again to wear lingerie of black
    Alas, Xtina gets more flack.

  100. narshkite

    That lost its shape so minor retool —

    I want to feel like a
    Ginormous milk-filled cow encased in
    High tensile strength shrinkwrap

    And though pretty dresses abound I
    Nevertheless stuff 110 lbs of shitbrickhouse into
    Dress up clothes discarded by Taylor Momsen

    Except sluttier and more
    Pantigirdles are the
    Last refuge of the constrictophile
    Only breath cessation can be called a
    Downside. Hold me boys! Asphyxia!
    Elastic garters can blow. Careful, they’ll take out an eye.

  101. Alyssa S

    Running around town acting all diiiirrrty
    Obviously this negligee should fit more purty
    Louboutins make her still feel skinny
    Looks like she’s gonna get compared to Crazy Britney
    Stop the press when she’s doing weight loss with Jenny!

  102. Barbara

    Xtina, open your lash-extensions and
    try to come to terms with the
    ice-age of oblivion that is
    nearing, a momsen per minute.
    Cut your losses, you’ll always be our
    T-Rex of trash.

  103. meg


    Bedroom wear for an event, why not?
    Extra-process the hair to reflect the flashbulbs!
    Too-short skirt to distract from my sadly tanned hands.
    Wondering if anyone will take me seriously after the Burlesque trainwreck…..
    Impossible, these queens worship
    X-tina, I’m their wanna-be-Drag Queen Princess. These’s bitches LOVE me.
    Even Lohan can’t top me now, it’s my time to shine.
    Dammit, bitch is back in court. Pay attention to me, pleeeeeeeease!

  104. thereset

    Perhaps she thought
    A skin tight
    Nighty would do the
    Trick, but
    We still noticed
    Her lack of pants or
    An actual dress. But the
    Tata’s, we could see.

  105. Gigi

    Boudoir shock, not chic. This is
    Underwear that would embarrass
    Mae West. OH, CHRISTINA. You’re just
    Perverting a Fag Hag Walk of Shame. It’s
    Easter for Peeps’ sake and some things only your Lady
    Doctor should peep at.

  106. Laura JH

    Tell me your shopping secrets, XTina
    Revlon radiant red lips burning bright and backlit by 2 inch of foundation?
    Accessories from Fredericks of Hollywood?
    Not able to spend more money?
    Notice that West Hollywood treats you like a Queen.
    You are relished for the gay icon you represent.

  107. Jill

    My outfit? Too tight, too much?
    I don’t understand the concept.

    Red lips. Check.
    Each strand bleached and curled. Check.
    Fur-lined robe. Check.
    Lace for my lady lumps. Check.
    Everyone knows that this is
    Just the epitome
    Of fabulous!

  108. Patty

    Ode to Christina Aguilera:
    How could you let yourself go like this?

    Hotness, gone.
    Once you were the queen of sexiness,
    Not simply a drag queen.
    Everyone cringes at your drunken escapades;
    You need to get yourself together, girl!

    Not to mention . . .
    Orange skin is never “in.”

  109. Gigi

    Is shitbrickhouse a compliment?

  110. Simone

    S ome things haven’t been the same
    E ver since irrelevance came.
    X ylophones cannot express
    T he depth and breadth of my distress.
    E ven despite the vintage bit,
    T eenagers aren’t having it.
    T ill my poor career returns, my
    E ars from only peroxide burn.

  111. lulurat



    In a bottle
    Remodeled as a
    Lady Marmalade of the

    A whole outfit is beautiful
    No matter what

  112. Cadeaux

    Ugly bras and black girdles do
    Not an outfit make. Not even when
    Draped with a flimsy negligee.
    Evidently, your stylist needs a clue.
    Reject the girdle!
    Wear a nice dress. And while you’re at it,
    About half your makeup.
    Result – Fab instead of Fug.

  113. Simone

    (Here’s one that is less snooty, but meaner…)

    M eet and greet my thunderdomes!
    A nd my plutonium blonde tresses!
    E r, sorry, I meant palladium. I need a cocktail.

    W hen is Andre Leon Talley getting here??
    E ven I can’t produce ALL the camp for a Hollywood event.
    S heer fabric, lace, and feathers: like tequila, lemon and salt!
    T ell me though, my lashes are too small, right?

  114. Melanie


    S – Someone please tell me, you do
    K – know that what you’re wearing
    I – is actually not outerwear
    R – really, in fact
    T – the garment on the
    L – lower part of your body should not be
    E – exposed – like so much of you.

  115. Tami LCD


  116. Jenn

    To all:

    And they’re
    (Yeah, right)

    Mae West’s
    Shut up

  117. SJ Donovan

    Even though you are launch the Gay
    Walk of fame, it is
    Entirely inappropriate to
    Slander such an iconic gay figure
    Touting a urine stain-inspired dress

  118. Anne B


    I bow to your awesomeness. <3

  119. JK

    Darlings, I look fantastic!
    Right out of an old Hollywood film, yes?
    Everyone’s admiring my cleavage (maybe looking for Hoffa?),
    Suntan and flowing blonde locks (what self-tanner? what extensions?) and yet
    Still, I feel like I’ve forgotten something important. . . .

  120. Becky

    Grrrrrrlllll, what were you thinkin’
    Underwear that’s got me blinkin’
    Really, have you got so desperate
    Didn’t think to wear the dress, it
    Looks like Tramp has killed the Lady
    Explaining why she just looks shady

  121. Suzanne

    Sounds about right.

  122. AK

    D ear dear Christina
    R esplendent is your underwear
    A cquire some class before stepping out again
    G o. Now.

  123. O

    Gunning for the lead
    In Burlesque, she threw herself headfirst into the
    Role of a lifetime; she
    Did not anticipate the
    Lingering urge to dress the part of an
    Exotic dancer

  124. Oblaadee

    Cringing from all the burlesque
    Have a mint julep kid
    Extina, I had you high on the Fug Madness brackets
    Run for the roses dude, KY. Derby is around the corner.

  125. Kanja

    Darlings, look! It’s X-stina!
    Revealing every contour of her body
    An act of desperation, some might say
    Great Scott! others will exclaim
    Questions must be asked:
    Use of mirrors may not be allowed at Casa Cristina?
    Evil stylists may be plotting against the diva?
    Even worse, could this be the dirrty girl’s own doing?
    Nevertheless, we can never question the size of Miss A’s fun bags.

  126. O

    Fashion lessons from Christina:
    Undergarments belong under
    Laboutins can’t save
    You from looking cheap.

  127. Danni

    X-rated she came to the party.
    To show us that she is still tarty.
    In feathers and straps,
    Not forgoing baps,
    Addendum: this truly ain’t arty.

    (Tried to limerick it but clearly failed. Well ’twas fun!)

  128. Elynn

    Dragging on such a
    Latex horror in my youth.

    Finally came.
    And now, no reminders wanted, please.
    Insist on clothes, Christina.
    Let us forget.

  129. Sara

    D ear Xtina,
    I see that you’re trying to take us back to the “Dirrty” days. This is wrong – let me count the ways:
    R olls, boobs, drag queen make up, lack of pants, feathered dressing gown…oh honey, no.
    R eally: don’t do this.
    Y ou require a serious fashion genie in a bottle. Stat.

  130. Big Noise

    Bewitching Christina emerges from her lair
    Obviously dressed like a cross between Madonna and Morticia, and
    Owing her hair color (and maybe that feather-trimmed monstrosity) to Mae West.
    But apparently she doesn’t care (or is too drunk to realize)
    That the merry widow girding her loins
    Actually squeezes her like an accordion
    Cutting off her blood supply to everywhere except her lips,
    Uplifting her inflated chest to the heavens, and
    Lowering her chin.
    Are we to believe that she looks good?
    Realistically, the answer is no; the girls look squished AND lopsided.

  131. Courtney

    Don’t be jealous
    Only a few can pull these off
    What did you expect
    Now that I’m single the
    World is my brothel
    Actually, I meant
    Raunchy strip tease
    Perhaps I’m a little
    In disarray
    Really can you blame me
    After a breakup and a fall
    Looking like this is to be expected

  132. Corrie

    C-hristina, dear
    H-ow are you today?
    E-xcuse me for being
    R-ude, but . . . .

    W-HAT are you wearing?
    N-o matter. It doesn’t fit
    A-t all
    B-ut worse – did you know — You are out in public!?

  133. Suze

    Christina looks like she
    Really wants to be
    A whacked out, campy, pin-up,
    Yellow haired version of
    Courtney Love wannabe Taylor Momsen.
    Really love Megan McCafferty
    And I think when you choose the winner, you should think of me and say
    You, yes you (HA! A Jessica Darling reference!)

  134. Jen L.

    Ginormously ill-fitting
    Evening wear–
    No, Xtina, this
    Isn’t the boudoir.
    Everyone is watching

    In shock as your
    Nunga-nungas o’erflow

    Atop your glorified

    Bondage outfit.
    Oh, I know you’re sad
    That “Burlesque” is over, but the
    Truth is that even Madonna in her
    “Like A Virgin” days wouldn’t be caught dead in that

  135. Kaitlyn

    Yep -
    Out and about in

    Not only

    My eyes are
    Outraged. But
    No-one at this Big Gay Event
    Rolled their eyes and gave an
    Oh Honey No? Oh wait…
    Everyone did?

  136. Krista

    W-oah there Heidi!
    H-ow about an
    E-yeful (Earful, if you can find a tighter corset) of a
    R-eally quite
    E-xpensive looking
    S-et of knockers, surrounded by plumage reminiscent of the Black Swan

    S-ure, you may
    P-retend to not to be her, but it’s not
    E-asy to hide from those, they make us
    N-ostalgic of Hills reruns…Too bad they can’t be toned down to
    C-’s for Christina. Instead, they look more like tacky
    E-clairs, with hideous leather and lace coating.
    R-ight, now I have a craving for French pastries. Onwards to the bakery!

  137. Hallie Franks

    Bustiers of the world, Unite!
    Over-flowing, you bear the burden of the
    Operationally enhanced.
    Burlesque “fashion” has become a form of abuse!
    Stuffed, stretched, seams straining…
    And yet the garter belt is spared,
    Holding up nothing! The
    Only solace to offer this Bursting Bustier: At least
    You’re not the Dirrty chaps.

  138. mel

    Boobs, galore!
    Understandably, I will go for a subtle look, but
    Red lipstick will make sure my look does not go unnoticed.
    Legs on display because
    Even though I am in my thirties, Boobs Legsley should not have all the fun.
    Stoles are coming back this season
    Quite stylish when fur is paired with sheer sleeves and lingerie!
    Unless you don’t appreciate
    Embroidered coffin crotch coverings.

  139. En

    Maybe, when
    Out from
    Under that
    Layer of caterpillar
    There will be,
    Inside, a
    Gypsy moth?

  140. Deborah

    Oh no! Mine was supposed to be ‘Fupa,’ but editing made it FUFPA. Whoops.

  141. jk

    M- Mercy me, Christina
    E – Everyone
    L – loves some good cleavage now and again
    O – only some things should
    N- never be forced upon innocent passersby
    S – Seriously.

  142. Chandra

    Goodness, Christina!
    Our eyes can’t miss it;
    Underwear, that is.
    Please, and I’ll only ask once:
    Anytime you want to wear your panties,
    Sexy as they may be,
    In plain sight:
    Zany may be what you’re going for but
    Even Lil Kim would go up a size.

  143. tals

    Hey, whats that you say?
    Over the top?
    Too much?
    Momsen-esque for Moms I say!
    Everyone should dress like this!
    Shouldn’t they?
    Sh**t. Its not like I’ll remember it tomorrow anyway.

  144. Melissa

    To be
    At home

  145. Caitlin

    Drag queens would tell you to tone it down.
    In one ear and out the other, this one.
    Really, Christina? Can’t you wipe a little of that slap off your face?
    Really, again, Christina? You’re NOT Marilyn Monroe, honey.
    “The Voice” really looks terrible. Is Adam Levine as creepy in person?
    You used to sing at some point, didn’t you?

  146. Natalie

    Corsets are supposed to flatter your figure
    How did you manage to get ahold of Grandma Aguilera’s special occasion lingerie?
    Edible garters are the only thing this outfit is missing
    Riiiight, you’re in public

  147. Nicole B.

    AA you are not (we get it)

    As a flat-chested girl, I can
    appreciate wanted to flaunt those girls.
    You look great, minus the
    outfit and make-up.
    Underneath that crazy,
    a pretty blond girl
    resides. Perhaps an
    extreme make-over is in order.
    Not that extreme, actually.
    Only make up remover, facial
    toner, and clothes to go over the underwear outfit.

  148. Nicole B.

    AA you are not (corrected)

    As a flat-chested girl, I can
    appreciate wanting to flaunt those girls.
    You look great, minus the
    outfit and make-up.
    Underneath that crazy,
    a pretty blond girl
    resides. Perhaps an
    extreme make-over is in order.
    Not that extreme, actually.
    Only make up remover, facial
    toner, and clothes to go over the underwear.

  149. Curtis

    Tina, if I may,
    How could you think the gays would approve?
    I, for one, am appalled at your attempt at what can only be compared to
    Something one would see on the madame of a brothel.

    Alas, you show up to a B-list event
    In a drag queen’s outfit, no less, most likely worn for a rousing rendition of
    Not Myself Tonight.”
    To tell you the truth, I hope to God you aren’t.

    Because if this is the new Christina,
    Unctuous, unflattering, and ultimately unsightly,
    Rest assured, your fan base, gay or straight, will disappear faster than those
    Louboutins you obviously got on clearance at the outlet mall, sugar.
    Everyone is scared for you, Chrissy.
    Stop this insanity.
    Quit while you’re sorely behind.
    Unless you want to end up looking like Catherine Zeta in “Chicago.” But
    Even she pulled that look off with a little class, dignity, and respect.

  150. TonyG

    S – Sashaying, her fug at the top of its game,
    C – Cher’s her apparent flashed a beggarly way
    A – Along WeHo’s new Gay Walk of Fame.
    M – Many “friends of Dorothy” were blinded that day.
    P – Paparazzi, eyes ablaze and shutters aflame,
    C – Captured her corset, V-patched with black suede,
    A – Ably evoking ‘Tina’s “Dirty” crotchtacular shame.
    M – Men, once trending straight whenever they’d play,
    P – Plotted now a queer path without further delay.
    V – Vast tits bloated her mold-mottled bra, clearly untamed
    A – As a mangy faux fur invoked back hair draped as a cape.
    M – Musty fishnets grounded a look that staked ‘Tina’s claim:
    P – Proud to be Cher’s protégé, less gay, and more lame.

  151. Regan


    Lady, I don’t see the point to cover your cheeks
    I know girdles aren’t classy, not pretty, not chic
    Zaftig or not it’s there to make you look thin
    And you’ve hoisted your breasts up to your chin
    Why, it’s tawdry and trashy and how do I say
    And feathers won’t make you a bird of prey
    Now don’t be mistaken, you’ve a beautiful voice
    Too bad you can’t be trusted to make the right choice
    So Christina, Xtina, just put on some clothes
    Honey, your faux vintage “glamour” is too on-the-nose
    Each of us know more than we should of your mammaries
    Really you’re a few headdresses short of Cher, if you please
    Could be that you think this is a fitting homage
    Oh, caterers have less than this much fromage
    And if only if only I could turn back time
    Then you’d put on a dress with some reason and rhyme.

  152. sarah

    Hallelujah for
    Aguilera is back to play Liza Minelli’s feathery
    Poledancing goddaughter in
    Yesterday’s smalltown
    Cabaret-themed Cher-fan
    Assembly of which the town
    Mayor had to close down for
    Pensioners were rolling on the floors, their
    Rolling by the beautiful fug that we all
    Scream at now. Amen.

  153. Stacey

    Can’t decide what to wear.
    Hoping no one will notice it’s lingerie.
    Even the “coat” is from Fredericks.
    Really? I think I’m pulling it off!

  154. Lauren


    but all I can see is…


  155. manionista

    X – I don’t need an X-RAY VISION to know what’s going on inside that super tight
    dress-internal bleeding.
    T – If you don’t mind, TAYLOR MOMSEN would like to have her gartier skirt and fishnet
    back. She want to go for a walk, thank you.
    I – Like I said just now, INTERNAL BLEEDING.
    N – All the gays there scream NO NO NO. In pain.
    A – APOCALYPSE seems more inviting than this.

  156. Jennifer

    Skivvies do not an outfit make.
    Though you get an A for effort.
    Underwear go under there.
    Find a shirt.
    Find some pants.
    Everyone agrees, this is
    Dirrty (in a bad way).

  157. Anya

    X-tina you must understand
    Thought pants were exceedingly bland
    ‘I know!’ exclaimed she
    ‘No clothing for me!
    All I need is my boobs and fake tan’

  158. Cori


    Matronly by most standards!
    Old fashioned, even.
    Darling, you must learn to loosen up.
    Even proper ladies will lose the pantyhose now and again, and
    Surely you didn’t need that prudish robe.
    Though, overall, tastefully done, dear!

  159. The Moonay

    Oh, Xtina.
    Your showing your garter to the world again.
    -pause for long-suffering (and very culturally appropriate) sigh-
    Vampire-prostitute is so 2008.
    Even the Twilight fans are getting tired.
    Your life doesn’t have to be styled by Playboy, you know.

  160. Chelsey

    Bitch please,
    Remember my meltdown?
    I married K-Fed and shaved my head.
    Trainwrecks are my thing.
    Now put on some clothes and take off that makeup!
    Even TayMom thinks you’ve gone to far.
    Y’all better recognize!

  161. EKV

    Call me middle class, but I just
    Have to point out that it’s
    Really unnecessary to wear your underwear
    In the place of outerwear.
    So there’s no confusion, I would
    Take this position even if
    It were just
    Nice white underwear like a Dove ad
    And not all black lace, fishnet and rubber.

    And furthermore, I remind you that
    Unmanly or not, often prefer
    It if you
    Leave a little bit to the imagination.
    Engineers being the exception, as
    Really good cantilevers are hard to

  162. Jenna

    Mother of god,
    At what point did this ‘brothel madam’
    Eyesore seem like a
    Winning look?
    Eventually your gays will
    Simply give up,
    Throw their hands in the air, and say,
    “Just forget it!
    Robin Sparkles dressed better than this!”

  163. sketchycat123

    Busting at the Seams

    Before I tell you
    (Unless you’ve already heard)
    Some clothes actually come in more
    Than one size!
    I know—it sounds absurd!
    Not that I feel you shouldn’t
    Go around town looking like
    A Frederick’s of Hollywood mannequin
    That magically springs to life when spray
    Tan is applied.
    However, I can’t help but
    Encourage you to
    Seek some outside help.
    Even if you’re paying a stylist
    A lot of dough to make you look flashy,
    Maybe a drag queen—for free!—could teach you to dress with
    Some do-it-yourself trashy.

  164. TonyG

    [Repost to correct a typo]

    (with a nod to Cher’s “She was a VAMP”)

    S – Sashaying, her fug at the top of its game,
    C – Cher’s heir apparent flashed a beggarly way
    A – Along WeHo’s new Gay Walk of Fame.
    M – Many “friends of Dorothy” were blinded that day.
    P – Paparazzi, eyes ablaze and shutters aflame,
    C – Captured her corset, V-patched with black suede,
    A – Ably evoking Tina’s “Dirrty” crotchtacular shame.
    M – Men, once trending straight whenever they’d play,
    P – Plotted now a queer path without further delay.
    V – Vast tits bloating her mold-mottled bra were clearly untamed
    A – As a mangy faux fur invoked back hair draped as a cape.
    M – Musty fishnets grounded the look that staked ‘Tina’s claim:
    P – Proud to be Cher’s protégé, less fab, and more lame.

  165. Deema

    Original, I am.
    Leather chaps? I reinvented those.
    Dirrty: Can’t imagine spelling it without two ‘r’s, can you? YOU’RE WELCOME.

    This outfit is over the top? Please, this is my gym attire.
    I know you say too much bleach, but I say MORE.
    My love for gays isn’t a gimmick *cough*KatyPerry*cough*
    Eveyone used to hate me for being too slutty, now I try too hard.
    Read my lips: Lady Gaga, who?

    Stop pretending I wasn’t awesome in Burlesque.
    The media rags on me nonstop.
    Interestingly, I haven’t been to rehab..YET.
    Lol- remember when I was tame with a husband and kids? Me either.
    Languish in the TMZ stories of me passed out drunk, instead.

    Genie in a bottle… you forgot about that till just now, didn’t ya?
    Oh, if you think I will ever use a pretty pink’ve got another thing coming sister.
    The Voice will be a hit…it MUST!

    Intense singing. No one does it like me.
    The Disney starlets will come and ago, Xtina is foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

  166. Big Noise


    Bewitching Christina emerges from her lair
    Obviously dressed like a cross between Madonna and Morticia, and
    Owing her hair color (and maybe that feather-trimmed monstrosity) to Mae West.
    But apparently she doesn’t care (or is too drunk to realize)
    That the merry widow girding her loins
    Actually squeezes her like an accordion.
    She must think that
    Tatas like hers (and most every other Hollywood vixen) are
    Irresistible and must be on display at all times.
    Certainly most sane and sighted people believe otherwise.

  167. Oblaadee

    Taking over Cher’s reign?
    Egregious mistakes in clothing, can do.

    Violate all fug rules, yep.
    Orange hands hold the future of faceless wannabes.
    I will become the newest J.Lo., you’ll see.
    Cher who?
    Excited about who I can send home for botching the National Anthem.

  168. Oblaadee

    Assless pants put away?
    Stripper clothes in the back of the closet.
    Tomfoolery clothes to the front.
    Extra special black lace boobtackcular bustier
    Rules for the night, my wonderful admiring friends.

  169. Josie

    Bring out the girls,
    underwear and curls:
    Retro can save a career!
    Little she can do,
    even black marabou
    seems dated and a bit
    (Unless she thinks it’s
    elegant like minks.)

    For Christina needs a hit,
    Leather and lace are not it!
    Oh, she’s made a pretty
    Poor choice. Go back to your voice!
    So you don’t have to worry about fit.

  170. Alisha B

    Hair, of white.
    Orange, of skin and
    Nigh explosive bosom.
    Endeavous to make an impresson. While
    Yonder lurks a
    Needy man, wondering how much he should
    Offer for a night with her.

  171. ellie

    These old things?
    Free with my Ru Paul stars as Marylin Monroe costume

  172. ellie

    One size fits all
    My ass
    Good thing the rest of me is so understated

  173. Lids

    The skin all healthy glow
    Artificially flavored like Sunkist
    The wardrobe a perfect fit
    As subtle as a madame should be
    Shoes festooned with bows, why?

  174. Lynne

    Girl blessed with natural beauty
    Eventually turns herself into a Barbie.
    Not the
    Innocent sort
    Every girl’s favorite toy, but

    Instead a fetish Frankenstein.
    Nakedness is not sexy enough, she decides.

    All exposed, seeking glory, she makes her

    Breasts a stilted trophy
    On a platter of black lace.
    Thoroughly bleached hair,
    The brazen lips echo
    Lurid dreams of vampires.
    Exposed this way provocative,

    No longer a woman mysterious.
    Out of the bottle, but

    Liquored up on fame.
    Out on the town, in 5-inch heels
    No longer a Disney sweetheart, but a
    Gaga competitor.
    Eager to become a mutant sex toy,
    Reluctant to expose her insecurities.

  175. Caroline

    Lady Marmalade, indeed.
    Or a costume from Burlesque?
    Orange skin doesn’t suit you. You look like
    Kraft Dinner.

    I miss when you looked more human
    Not like a creature from the planet Xtina.
    Tragic. Your only hope is a genie’s magic.
    Or join the cast of Teen Mom to you look sane and less orange by comparison.

    Show us everything for free.

  176. Chris

    Oh dear.

    Dearest Xtina, I fear that your gown
    Is molting all over Los Angeles Town
    Really, after the tragedy that was Burlesque
    Returning to that type of style was grotesque
    The only condolence I think you can glean:
    You can always double as your own drag queen.

    …this sounded a lot better in my head.

  177. Jenny

    Washed Up

    What the fuck?
    Are you drunk?
    Seriously! Are you drunk?
    Have you looked in the mirror?
    Everyone thinks you are on drugs!
    Do us a favor and STOP!

    Unflattering hooker clothes are beneath you.
    Please STOP!

  178. Robin

    Let’e reflect for a minute.
    Oh, I get it.
    Underwear as outerwear?
    Boobs all over the place?
    Ogled by men and women alike?
    Think, woman.
    It was only ten years ago that you were still ‘normal.’
    Nice shoes, though.

  179. Robert P

    Oh shit. I totally thought the
    Man on the phone said
    Gay Walk of Shame.

  180. Jerika Coleman

    The crotch makes it look like she peed.
    Her make-up makes her look like a clown.
    Even Louboutins look cheap on her!

    Very talented girl,
    Only you’d never be able to tell.
    Is that a fur-lined robe?
    Colby, Alexis, appreciates the try.
    Except this isn’t Dynasty, honey, not even close.

  181. Aanchal

    Blonde with red lipstick on
    Underwear has already gone
    Less is always more for her
    Least she could do was wear more fur
    She seems happy despite the stress
    Her body is going to burst out of her dress
    It is indeed truly amazing
    That people are allowed to walk outside in such a thing

  182. Little Liz

    Xtina, the Queen of
    Attire featuring
    Tatas looking

  183. Jordyn

    Out of all the bad decisions she has made thus far
    Running into a vat of burnt apricot paint
    And proceeding to roll through a pile crow feathers while
    Never bothering to change out of last night’s fishnets and corset
    Gives us complete authority to declare this outfit
    Excruciating, as if Xtina herself is pouring acid in our eyes

  184. Sarah C

    Ta-tas plus

    Net hose
    Equal angels
    Weeping. Next time,

    Give it
    A rest.
    You’ll thank us

  185. Sophia Loren

    Xtina is working big
    thighs and fishnets. What of it?
    think she looks
    almost statuesque.

  186. LibraryChick

    Oops, please excuse my problems with HTML in my previous post!!!

    Christina, I
    Applaud keeping the
    Nipples covered, but
    The truth is

    Hard to take sometimes. It’s true that
    Divas are

    Underrated, but
    Strutting publicly in

    Doilies, fur,
    Or fishnets
    Negate the problems with your Poise pad.

  187. RenaissanceGrrl

    Ugh, honey no!
    Push-up bra not needed.

    Oh, and you don’t
    Need a garter belt for waist-high pantyhose.
    Everyone can tell you forgot.

    Seriously, we liked it better when you were Monroe-ing it up.
    I’m hoping you’ll get a seven-year itch to go back to that look soon.
    End the trampy streak, please.

  188. Rachel

    Dearest Christina,
    Everyone would like a word.
    See, you’re beautiful and skilled,
    Perhaps you need not try so hard.
    Every layer of makeup makes you look a decade older,
    Really, we fear you’ve left good sense behind for good.
    Although pop stars are increasingly cracked out, you need not be
    Talent is your trump card.
    Embrace it. And pants. Definitely look into pants.

  189. yeahandalso


    Is only a movie

  190. yeahandalso


    Is only a movie

    sorry for the double post, had a typo in my e-mail

  191. Oblaadee


    Winch at Gay Walk of Fame
    Teese is not here, so I’m bursting on the scene
    Fug girls, I will not disappoint
    Uggh, I should have removed one thing before I left the building
    Garters, yeah, do you dudes have any scissors?

  192. cbgblena

    Slutty is not necessarily sexy, young lady.
    People will get the wrong idea!
    Are you prepared for that kind of attention?
    No self-respecting woman would wear that out in public.
    Xtina, you are grounded.

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