Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Fug

Here’s Chelsea Handler at Art Basel over the weekend:

And I know is, I am DYING to know what Diane von Furstenberg behind her said about this outfit. Because she’s making the classic, “wow, I have THOUGHTS” look on her face.

My personal thoughts include: that dress would be fine if it fit. But paired with those Oxfords, she looks like she lost her own shoes in a sloshy drunken bender and had to steal a pair from the nearest dude before sneaking home. Ain’t nothing wrong with doing a Stride of Pride, but this look is way more Walk of Shame.

[Photo: Splash]

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Comments (45):

  1. SharonCville

    Also, that dress is not doing her boobs any favors. On the other hand, it doesn’t look like she was prepared for a photo op, and I can’t imagine how obnoxious it must be to always be expected to look photo-ready, so I’ll give her a pass. The shoes are a big no, though.

    • Karen

      Well, there’s the pressure of always being ready for the photo op, and there’s walking out the door looking like crap. Fug from head to toe.

      • Jules

        There’s having to look photo ready when you’re running to the dry cleaners, and looking photo ready when you are a celebrity at Art Basel. It’s a huge event that everyone knows will be photographed to the nth degree. So, no pass from me.

    • wildviolette

      Her right areola appears to be making a run for it. Not good.

      • hb

        Yeah, I also remain unconvinced that this dress ‘would be fine if it fit”

      • derpshooter

        I seriously thought the problem was she was using a clutch under her arm to cover her boob that had escaped the dress and was trying to escape the purse too. I looked on in horror for a good 10 seconds before realizing the bodice of the dress is SO DUMB. Why is the black even there? Someone made the dress out of leftover fabric and didn’t quite have enough so they grabbed a bit of some other leftovers? Ugh. Terrible.

        Even if it fit, it’s a FUG.

  2. Jules

    Aw, man! I was almost there, too; I would have be so amused to see that concoction in action. We saw some beautifully cracked-out ensembles last year, and I swear 90% of the rich old ladies in Miami share the same one-template plastic surgeon.

  3. TonyG

    The dress looks like it’s been designed to look like a sheet with a pirate patch for her boob. The shoes need a shine and then need to be given away to one of her best male buds. She’d look better barefoot.

    • Scouse Helen

      I laughed a lot at the ‘drunken bender borrowed shoes’ theory. It’s also possible that she slept in a park following a series of hilarious scrapes involving travelling with her husband to the big city for an interview, like in ‘The out of Towners’. That’s the only other time I’ve seen a woman borrow a man’s shoes from necessity.

  4. Sabrina

    I know J. Aninston and others are given a lot of crap for wearing dressing that essentially look like towels/bedsheets but I have never seen a dress look more like it was literally a sheet. That, combine with the shoes, makes it look like she is doing the Walk of Shame of No Clothes.

  5. JtotheP

    Actually I think those are tap shoes. I SWEAR I can see toe taps on the them. Jebus save me.

    • Esme

      Yup! I wore them when I played a sailor (male, of course) in our all girls high school production of “Dames at Sea.”

  6. pantsonfire

    Yep on the dress–fine if it fit, like, at all. Though, I have serious doubts that that dress and Chelsea Handler could ever work together. So I amend my comment: That dress is really a great dress for Art Basel in Miami, if it were on someone else and fit properly.

    And obviously, the shoes are a monstrosity in this situation.

    Also, she reminds me of Paz de la Huerta (spelling?) here.

  7. pidget

    Unreservedly ugly. However, SharonCville may be right, and she doesn’t look prepared. I still wouldn’t walk off a plane in this, though.

    The shoes could look great in a sleek Marlene Dietrich ensemble, but they are goshawful with this towel (which is choking her boobs).

  8. maryse

    i like the shoes. but not with that dress. and that dress is all wrong period. and von furstenberg is looking a little like she’s coming straight from del boca vista herself.

  9. Vandalfan

    That’s not a dress, it’s a towel. She locked herself out of her hotel room and is creeping toward the front desk to be let back in.

    She does have lovely veneers, there’s that, I suppose.

  10. glee

    It’s amazing how appropriate (and wonderfully relaxed) DVF herself looks – this is effin Miami!

  11. Brenna

    I’m actually surprised she’s wearing those shoes, since usually, she wears pretty high heels. I actually don’t know that I’ve ever seen her in flats on her show.

    If the dress fit better in the chest, I’d wholeheartedly love it. But it’s doing extremely unflattering things to her chestal region.

  12. Sandra

    Did she come straight from the beach? We’ve got the scraped-back hair, the sunglasses, the beach-towel over a swimsuit and some random shoes. Badly done, Chelsea. Badly done.

    • Stefanie

      Yes, My thoughts exactly!!

    • Steph

      I concure! That was my thought too. Haven’t we all tossed on the saraong or towel around our chest and grabbed whatever shoes we had to dart back into the room?

    • WearingMyCrankyPants

      Indeed. This is the fancy version of the wrap-around-towel/cover-up I had when I was ten. (It closed with velcro.) I think the only difference is that hers cost more and is less absorbent.

  13. amys

    And what an unflattering length for the towel! Chelsea works hard to maintain her beautifully fit body, but it seems like she has no idea what to wear, ever. I actually think she looks much better unprepared, sunglasses perched on head, little makeup than she does all “done up” (but I still hate the shoes).

    • cc

      Everything she wears on her show is almost always super awkward and makes her look a lot more weirdly proportioned than I think she actually is.

  14. Rayna

    OY, I love me some Chelsea, but girlfriend is on a fashion trip to HELLNOtown.

  15. AM

    I like the shoes, well, I mean I would like the shoes with say, dark pants and a cardigan or jacket or something. Maybe even with a dress or skirt of some wintery material and dark tights. Not so much with a beach towel.

  16. Esme

    OK, this is the way nuns looked years ago the first time the habit was no longer mandatory.

  17. Celeste

    There is no excuse for this, unless as someone said, she accidentally locked herself out of her room; but she has no business being OUT of her room in that creation.

  18. Liz985

    And it looks the tail of this dress is actually longer. I think I see a dress/arm/loop thingy over her forearm. I suspect this is a evening dress masquerading as a day dress. All around a big fugly NO!

  19. lilywise

    Gloria Vanderbilt looks divine. Even her pedicure looks perfect.
    I can’t think of any reason at all ever for Chelsea to be wearing that outfit. It’s so unflattering to every single body part.

  20. Gabby

    I like her but I cannot actually believe she appeared in public looking like this. From head to toe, the hair, the shades, the shiny face, the sack dress, the man shoes… This takes Bohemian to a whole new level. I need a vodka now.

  21. steen

    I never thought I would say these words, but : Jessica, you are being far too kind. This dress isn’t okay. It’s an atrocity. Shame on whoever designed it.

  22. Helen

    Chelsea, I promise, when you fall asleep by the pool and lose your room key, it’s really okay to just NOT GO to the art fair.

  23. Jax

    She thought she was being arty.

  24. Goldi


  25. Ellen Cox

    Thank you for the Are you there God? It’s me Margaret reference. Takes me back…
    Oh and there isn’t anything good about this ensemble at all – and that’s from the front. I dread to think what DVF’s view was like from behind!

  26. Elle

    OMG I just got out of the shower and the photographers were already here..

  27. nobody much

    I thought it was a swimsuit and a towel. and ugly shoes because her feet are all burnt from hot sand.

  28. Amanda

    I’ve decided that there’s a barefoot assistant desperately trying to find her a pair of sandals to wear, after the strap on the ones she were wearing broke mid-event.

    I have no plausible explanation for the dress. Maybe she lost a bet?

  29. Kirsten

    I thought it was a guy in drag at first….NOTHING acceptable about this outfit.

    • Mifty

      Yes — she has great shoulders, actually, but the ill-fitting dress does make for a certain linebacker-esque effect.

      And of course she doesn’t need to wear tippy-toe heels if she doesn’t want to, but surely there was something a wee bit more feminine available?

  30. vhoop

    those are not her legs. i think she has a man under there.

  31. Lily1214

    The shoes ruin everything and every chance the gown had. Maybe these are her father’s?

  32. gigi

    didn’t realize 50 Cent owned that particular shade of oxfords…..

  33. bjhutch

    Now I know what happened to my grandma’s shoes…..